I look like a Who.

August Rush 2008

2009-04-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Somehow I ended up in finance. Sitting here with seven other people hacking through ticker symbols and price/earnings rations wasn't what I always had in mind. What I ever had in mind. A far cry from Swift and Shelley, I am trudging through the sludge that is the twenty-first century financial market, looking for a way to pass a test I am not prepared for, get a raise, and get my name on a list of registered representatives. When I think of a list of names I think of two things: 1)Santa Claus; 2) St. Peter. Either way you look at it, it is judgement day.

During our ten minute breaks I don't go sit outside and smoke, I indulge my caffeine addiction with Coke or Dr. Pepper, and my need to have something to chew on with Skittles. Taste the rainbow. The bathroom breaks get me through the day. I'm staying at the Embassy Suites and from 5:00-7:00 p.m. the managers host complimentary cocktails and chips, queso, and pico. After making friends with the bartender, an older gentleman who kindly makes me new drinks and is determined to help me find "my" drink, I decompress, watch the other happy hour guests and conquer "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

I'm not sure what I'm doing working for corporate America, aka "the man." I have yet to meet this man. I'm muddling through, wishing for the kind of focus I see in other people, or worse, read about in human-interest pieces on MSNBC. Some people have the career path mapped out, and some people are realizing they picked up a map for the wrong state, each looking for the toiling that will feed the mind, soul, and the much less idealistic pocketbook. The getting to that place isn't always easy, but knowing where you want to be seems like a nice idea.

Regardless, it is day five and I'm attempting to wrap my already jam-packed brain around variable annuities. I don't hate my job. I have hated a job before, and this is not it. I hardly understand my job, so I'm not sure I can hate it at this point. Their are ridiculous amounts of paperwork: sign here, sign this for your other signature here, sign this too...no, there is no reason, we just need you to sign. Delusions of corporate financial grandeur are possible, but I'm not really the type.

run it

2009-03-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

So remember that whole recreational writing thing? Due to some unforeseen circumstances I took a break again, but I'm back and better than ever. A quick run down, then on to the new.

-it is now March which means we've been through lots of holidays including my favorite-St. Patrick's Day

-I moved with the help of Kylie and Eric and Eric's student, Nathan. Turns out that if you get to the UHaul place early enough they will let you pick your truck. We chose the Venus Flytrap truck. She treated us well.

-The market has gone to crap and since I work in finance that means the 8-5 hours can be pretty heinous.

-Decorating of the new place is happening. More decorating happened in 3 weeks than 3 years at my old place. Starting fresh is nice.

-I've read "I was Told There'd Be Cake" and laughed out loud.

-I bought Twilight and have watched it 4 times.

Those are the high points. Moving on.

Kylie decided she wanted to run. Long distances. She asked me if I would be interested, and I said yes. She is much more dedicated that I am as it took me about two months to really convince myself that yes, I need to do this, not just so that Kylie will have a running buddy, though that is a noble cause. I need to do this for me. For more reasons than I know. Brief sentimental moment: the past year has been trying. It is time for serious change. Watch out, world. Big things ahead.

We have discussed the idea of making this a traveling hobby. First we will we travel to the Redbud Classic in Nichols Hill, OKC, for the 5K. Not a long drive really. (Note: Kylie did complete the Deer Creek Classic...solo! She is awesome, and told me to get my butt in gear.) Some other races we would like to attend, in no particular order: OKC Memorial Marathon (OKC), The Midnight Streak (OKC), Turkey Trot (Dallas), Midnight Sun Fun Run (Alaska), Rock n Roll Marathon (Las Vegas), Capital 10K (Austin). Yes, we know we may not make those all in one year, but it would be pretty awesome if we made it to all the local and at least one out of town. Watch for us in a city near you.

That said, my training started today. With the help of "The Non-Runners Marathon Guide for Women" by Dawn Dais I'm getting on track (no pun intended). She recommends journaling, so I figured I might as well recreational write about it. Here I will keep running songs, thoughts, meals (hopefully I only talk about them going down, not coming back up), exciting runs, photos, horror stories, and more. It may be boring. No one may read it, but at least I will be able to look back and appreciate the work three months from now. If you do read this, feel free to comment, lend your gazelle-like advice, donate your frequent flyer miles, or laugh along with me as I try this out.

Day one. I went for two miles. I say "went" because there is no way in hell I was going to make it running the entire time. My maltipoo did better than I did. She only stopped to go number twosies (and yes, I am a responsible pet owner). I did the run/walk and my calves hate me. But I looked cute in my new shoes. They did me well--Asics, I don't remember the style off the top of my head. More on equipment later. I attempted to stretch post run, and my muscles still hated me. I'm afraid this is a preview of the joy to come, but that's cool. I'm into it right now, I'm motivated. I like my dri-fit Nike socks so far. As I'm sitting on the floor (my desk is not spray painted yet) I see that they are labeled L and R. I didn't know it mattered...maybe the kind people at Nike test drove these socks on a group of novice runners and found that they were so blinded by a) disillusionment that they would be awesome runners the first go round, b) pain, c) throwing up on their feet, that all runners needed their socks labeled. Fabric is not ambidextrous .

Today's music: Savage, Fall Out Boy (always favorite exercise tunes), Pussycat Dolls, Janet Jackson, Flo-Rida. I needed serious beats.

out of here

2009-01-25T14:51:00.000-08:00

Well. It has been quite some time. I imagine anyone who used to frequent this blog no longer does. AI'm getting back to my roots and resuming my recreational writing. You know, the whole new year thing applies change across the board, so I might as well pick up some of the old habits.

I've spent the past 48 hours attempting to pack up my apartment. The apartment I've lived in since I moved here two and a half years ago. Nearly to the day. Why the change? To quote Rafiki, "It is time." 2008 was a whirlwind--up and down, back and forth, circles, circles, circles--and a change in environment is necessary. I've found a rent house, and I'm really excited. I will be making the transition from apartment to rent house in about 3 weeks, and I couldn't be more ready. Minus the whole being packed thing.

Packing is a trip. I'm a pack rat and keep things for years and years and years. I found journals from my freshman year of college. Wow. I read through them last night and it was interesting (to say the very least) to see how my life has progressed, the people who have moved through it, the people who remain, and the way I've changed. The past year has been a difficult one. Reading my journals reminded me that I've had difficult times before (duh, who hasn't?), but it was enlightening to see how I've changing in regards to handling the stresses of life. It is the beginning of a new year, so of course change and progression is on the brain, maybe even more so with the changes we experience on a national scale (the election, new president, economic turmoil, in case you've been living under a rock). I have reached a crossroads. Again. And I'm finally okay with it. It has taken me a few months of questions and sudden changes and slow changes and reminders, but I'm here. Ready.

Life is uncertain. Each day is a new one. We retain the memories of the one before, but we have the opportunity to make new ones. In the past few weeks so many things have become more clear. I've had a few of those lightbulb moments that I'm anxious to seek out, anxious to share, but satisfied in the waiting. I am just becoming comfortable in my skin again and it is nice. I missed me. So, back to packing, back to the trip, back to change.

It has been awhile, but you didn't think I'd come back with something light and airy, did you?

punctuation, she has a degree in that, you know

2007-06-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

It is almost three. Hooray. Well but sort of not hooray. Depends on how you look at it. I have dance rehearsal tonight beginning at 5:30. I'm hoping we won't be there until all hours of the night, but I'm also assuming that is wishful thinking. Apparently I'm going to help make calls on lighting. Should be interesting, my portfolio of skiiiillllls is growing daily.

So I was watching the History Channel last night and saw some interesting things.
April 29, 1975, the signal was given for the U.S. to evacuate Saigon.
-Americans began marrying Vietnamese women just to get them out of the country, and the cost to marry went from $20 to $2,000.
-1373 Americans were evacuated
-5595 Vietnamese were evacuated and taken to U.S. aircraft carriers
-During the operation, the aircraft carriers were filled with people, and helicopters were no longer able to land; to make room 45 helicopters were pushed off the carriers or landed in the ocean.
-Following the operation $3.6 million dollars in American currency was burned at the Embassy in Saigon to prevent the North Vietnamese government from accessing it.

Interesting, huh? I just thought it was bizarre to see the footage of helicopters being dumped into the ocean. Meatloaf hosted this special, which was followed by a special on the history of illegeal drugs in America (See posts from June of last year, it's the same special. Really interesting though.)

oh, but if you only knew, but i'm finally convinced you don't care

2007-05-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

I had a nice weekend. The sun wasn't out as much as I would have liked, but it came out when it mattered. I spent about eighteen hours in the car, but it was worth it. I got to be at the wedding of a dear friend, and spend time in a place I love. One funny thing about the weekend: I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because it took me six hours to drive from Dallas to Austin; I cried when I saw my "summer family;" I cried when I talked to adults I love and respect about what I'm doing with my life and what I'm not; I cried when I talked about a love lost; I cried during the wedding vows and I cried during the first dance and I feel like crying now. I guess the tears are supposed to be cleansing. Hot drops of relief, with no place else to go. They just bubbly up and make the world blurry for a few seconds, then fall allowing you to refocus and maybe see the world a little differently.

I kept getting these waves of enlightenment, like little calls to action, but the actions that feel necessary, well, I feel like they will achieve nothing. That's where my confusion lies. Do I take an action, to just take it, and hope it makes a difference, or do I bide my time, waiting it out, hoping for the best case scenario? Tough call, especially when you feel fully convinced that your action will do nothing, move no one, cause no change. It is action take too late. What is it that people say? "Too little, too late." Only this isn't too little. I'm afraid it's too big. Much too big. It's scary, really, thinking that taking that chance, jumping off that bridge, won't matter. Maybe that is why I cried. Because I was afriad it would be pointless. I considered that virtue I do so poorly with--patience--but then wondered about the fine line between having patience and missing your window of opportunity. I know we don't get countless opportunities to make job changes, make friends, say what we're thinking, give our opinion, share something with another person or whatever Sometimes we only get one "big chance," sometimes we are presented with several "small chances." The trouble lies in discerning between the two, and understanding exactly what it is the other side needs or wants. But what if you think your chance is already gone and you have action you feel you must take?

What do you do? Wait? Or jump? Wait? Jump?

I'm finding that in some areas of my life I need to jump. Now. In others though, I think I have to wait. I've already kind of missed my turn to jump, so I have to wait for it to come back around, if it comes back around. I wish I could just butt in line and jump and hope for the best, but I'm not even sure that is an option.

For now, I have to finish reading my goal for the day, for the month. Then maybe I can figure out a way to prepare myself to jump. To make myself known.

tollway ends in 2 miles, all traffic must exit

2007-05-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

This link is to an entry on a blog I read pretty frequently. I am completely guilty of this and just really enjoyed her point of view on it. So take a look. We all know the people who do this, most of us do it ourselves, or at least we want to, but just get nervous and don't follow through at all--forget making it an afterthought.

http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/greek_tragedy/2007/05/the_oh_by_the_w.html

That's really all for today, I just thought I'd share. Enjoy. I'm leaving for Dallas after work and Austin tomorrow sometime. I sure hope I packed everything. The rain is torrential this morning and my pants are irrevocably wrinkled. But they're seersucker so you can't tell too much. I hope.

a four-part harmony for you and me

2007-05-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

First: Happy graduation to Becca! Aloha and buneos dias to the traveler!

I am scrolling through the music available on the network here at the office and am finding nothing to suit my ears today. That seems to be the trend lately. I can't find any melody, any lyric, any bridge or any note to hum. What is the deal? Here are some options:
CRASH: a playlist of Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, and Silverchair. Oh and don't forget George Strait.
Carol's MuZak: highlights including Johnny Cash: Unearthed I-V alongside the Pussycat Dolls
Traci's Tunes: of the bubblegum variety, featuring Britney, Christina, and Ashley Parker Angel
Wordless Chorus: aptly named for the apperance of My Morning Jacket, this list also includes personal favorites, Jeff Buckley and Explosions in the Sky, and golden oldie Miles Davis

Nothing is doing it for me these days. I need some new music. The Maroon 5 album is out today, maybe that will be a good alternative. Since I haven't been able to be satisfied through muisc, I've started watching back episodes of TV shows online while I work; this way I have background noise and I can catch up on whatever I've missed. I watched The Bachelor this morning, and since I'm on Carol's MuZak, looks like Rascal Flatts is my poison until the shuffle setting settles on something else. I hardly listen to my own playlist anymore, it just makes me restless and usually annoyed. But I sure miss listening to Elvis.

This week I am preparing to go to Austin for a wedding. I couldn't be more excited. I'm so happy for Joanna and Tanner, and I can't wait to be a part of the celebration.

I'll be staying with Lindsay Thursday night, then trekking down to an awesome city that I love on Friday. A six hour drive from OKC, I think it will be more tolerable in two doses, with one big haul made back north on Sunday. I do have reservations about my trip though. How strange it will feel to be there again. I haven't been there since January when I waved goodbye to a dear friend, leaving to chase the life he's always wanted. Different things in our lives often absorb different meanings for us. To me, Austin is one of those things, which may sound completely ridiculous to you, reader, but it is a city close to my heart. It represents a new horizon, open doors, open minds, open hearts. Big defining moments of my life have managed to occur in and around Austin, and I don't just mean something I was involved in, I mean things said, things done, people met.

I've gained friends that are like family, a "summer family'' I would do anything for, a mentor; I've been to court there, seen friends fall apart there, fallen apart myself; I have memories of friends who have drifted away; some of the most kind words I've heard have been spoken there; I've cried there for my losses, I experienced the suprise of another chance at something I thought was long gone, something that has now taken another turn. I don't have a single bad memory of the place, and I've experienced quite a few different things there with different friends and different circumstances; and the opportunity for bad memories has most definately been present, but all I've ever found myself leaving with is a new opportunity, a new outlook, a new thought, and the need to act. I'm not sure if it is fair that I've so many happy, growing memories there. Something about being there makes me brave. Nerves have begun to surface about the visit, for reasons I'm not quite sure of, becuase I sure don't have anything to be nrevous about except for traffic on I-35, but I look forward to the peace that I think will come with absorbing whatever love affair I have with the place. Just for a little while at least.

you know i love you

2007-03-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Let's start with a story, though it may be a story focusing on the worn out cliche about the simplicity and joy of children, I love it all the same. On of my preschool dancers (two years old) walked up to me on Monday as we were helping the girls try on their recital costumes, looked me in the eye, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "You know I love you." I said, "Really?!" And she said, "Yes. I love you," and grinned. So I said, "Well, I love you!" and she jumped in my lap and gave me a huge hug (huge for such a small person at least). I thought, I wish I had the conviction to tell the people around me "You know I love you." I proceeded to make a mental list of all the people I would tell and all the people who may never know. That may seem to be an odd statement, but it has just become "one of those things;" we hesitate to express our love for others because "that might be weird." Well, yeah, but at least I can treat you in a way that shows you how much I care, so that will be my alternative until I get brave. I'm really not terribly brave though, sometimes I just forget to doubt.

So much has happened since I last wrote, if I covered it all I think you would stop reading. I think I've covered some of my most emotional ground during the lapse, but it is probably better I didn't write about it. Now there is hindsight, possibly insight, but I'm not sure of the difference necessarily. I read something that said "Insight is just a rearrangement of available facts." What do you think?

My mom and sister are here for the weekend, and I'm glad. Since they were planning to come visit, I had to clean. Scary. One of the goals for the weekend is closet organization. Slowly and surely it will happen and maybe I will be able to function like everyone else who doesn't throw everything on the floor of their closet. I did some laundry; I washed those shirts, and I put them away. I put them away, nice, clean and folded, not at all resembling how I feel about my association. What else should I have done? Out, messy and unkempt is what they should be, wrinkled and worn on the bedroom floor, a more accurate reflection of something that would be much easier if it could be washed, folded and put away. But it just can't, and it won't allow itself to be treated that way.

Anyways, Happy almost St. Patrick's Day. It is my favorite holiday (I don't know why), and I wish I was back in Ireland. That would be quite nice. I wore green today (I start celebrating early), and I hope you did the same.

it's been a long time, been a long time

2007-03-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

It has been a while. I've upgraded to this "new" blogger bit and here we go. I'm at work so I can't really write much right now, but I can say that my life is drastically different from the last time I wrote. I have smiled, cried, laughed, hurt, loved, and gotten a few pedicures. We've been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day and soon we are approaching one of my favorites, St. Patrick's Day.

I have resolved to blog again. Though I still refuse to blog just about my day and the monotonous events that create it. I will continue to write as I have, probably sharing too much, but if not now then when? So until the next post (it will be sooner than later)...

bear hugs and eskimo kisses.

still waiting

2006-10-29T11:36:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday afternoon and I'm working. Again/still. Haha. But it is okay, I finally, finally feel better after being sick for a week, and I feel like I'm really productive. Well, obviously I'm not being overly productive right now, but everybody needs a little break every now and then.

You know those days when you are just frustrated. I'm having one of those so far. But not for too much longer, I've just been flustered. Just shake it off. This weekend of rest and getting work done has been great for me. There is nothing I can do about how other people are going to act, so I need to just take care of myself and act nicely, and things will work themselves out. Choose your battles. I think that will be my new motto. Sometimes, it just isn't worth your time to fight it so hard. There could be a lot of other things going on that you have no idea about. I'm just shaking it allllll off.

It is hot here today. 80-something. It is really nice outside though! We are having out editor's get together tonight to get ready for Tuesday's festivities, and I'm really excited. I'm looking forward to being around the other editors outside of the workplace. It will be fun I think. I'm heading out here in a bit to go cook with Kylie, but I think I'll stop and get some sweet tea first. I've been drinking a lot of that lately. Better than drinking Cokes I guess. Eh.

Watching: Dogma

as detroit goes down in smoke

2006-10-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well. It has been about a month since I've written. Whoops. It is currently Friday night, and I'm watching the Tigers get just hammered in Game 5 of the World Series. 8 errors. 8. That is a ton. Top of the ninth...Anyways...

Not much to report really. I wish I had something incredibly profound to say about my ways in the world recently, but I'm fresh out of ideas. This week has actually been pretty rough. Well really the past two weeks. This whole being in a new place thing is taking a toll on me again. I don't mean to complain. I don't want to complain. I want to be happy where I'm at, I just know I'm getting adjusted. Still. Getting adjusted is a lot of work. I think in my case, it is my social life, or lack thereof that is truly causing me grief. I think I addressed that some in the last post. I'm to the point where I'm just frustrated with myself I think. I'm used to having some way to find any kind of relief from the loneliness, but now it seems that I just can't find anything to ease the "pain." (Cardinals are one out away from winning in case you were curious. It looks cold there in St. Louis. ) You know, it's not like I don't know that things will get better, that I will be okay, that this state of I'm-all-alone-in-this-big-bad-world-north-of-the-Red-River will pass. I know all of these things. I'm just seeking some peace in the meantime, and I'm pretty sure I'm trying too hard.

Detriot has a runner on base. Interesting, but Jeff Weaver of the Cardinals has had nothing but solid pitching and fielding. Impressive to watch.

I explained a little bit of my mentality to someone at work today. I've been here four months and I still feel like the new kid. For me I was more comfortable living in a foreign country, at least then I knew, and was practically expected to be completely different. Here, things are familiar enough that I relate, but different enough that I feel like a total outsider. So we'll see. I haven't made it to the six month mark. Check back with me in January, and I'll tell you what I think.

On a lighter note, I've made a few more friends at work that I'm pretty excited about. Our company volunteers at a charity golf tournament, and I volunteered to work (we could have also gone into the office that day) and I got to be around people from other departments, outside of the office. They are really nice and it is fun getting to know them. It has made me excited about my workplace again.

In other news, it is cold up here. It is pretty nice though. I like the chilly weather, though I've ended up with a sinus infection, and hopped up on steroids and antibiotics the past few days. I think my productivity at work actually went down. I don't need to be on the juice. Our office becomes a bit of an elementary school around the holidays apparently. We are strongly encouraged to dress up for Halloween, there is a pizza party and prizes and awards are given out. The editors are dressing up as Scare Bears, originally Care Bears, but there were some who wanted something more goulish I guess. So Scare Bears it is. I think it will be funny. I'll post a picture next week.

And the Cardinals win! I'm prety sure I could watch a World Series celebration every morning and that would make my day. I'm sure a number of other things would too, but it's just a really interesting thing to watch. You have the team and the fans--all those tens of thousands of people cheering for a group of about thirty men they will probably never meet. Pure joy. Of course there is always the losing team, and to them it is just bittersweet. Fireworks and confetti. Man, I love baseball, though I'm sure my commentary is probably less than adequate.

The O.C. premiers on Thursday! Yeeeeeessssss. My upstairs neighbor has a pug that runs around all the time. It is so weird.

she's got the look

2006-10-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

Sunday night. That means Extreme Makeover: HE and Desperate Housewives. I probably don't need to say again how much I love watching E.M. I'm such a huge sap for stuff like that, but it is just nice to see people doing nice things for others. All those volunteers from the community and everything...it is just good to watch. It is nice to see good in other people.

I'm not going to lie, but I am not really pumped to go to work tomorrow. I've got a lot to do, but it is Monday, so it will be good to start a brand new week and get tons done. I will just make a list and go from there I suppose.

The new Lost is Wednesday. Yeeeesssss. Good grief. Welcome to life after college in a new city where your life revolves around work, extra work, television and your sleep schedule. Awesome.

I wish I had something really profound to write about. But I don't really. I read a friend's blog today, and it really got me thinking. But I'd like to think on it some more. Think think think. Okay, on to the next step before bed.

getting bored on a peavy amp in 1984

2006-09-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

i've neglected my blog. though i don't have much to say. i just have a few thoughts for today, then i've got to do some work. i find that even when i have a "game plan" i don't follow it. i find myself getting caught up even when i'm trying to be overly cautious. why is that? i guess just because it can be fun and easy and a great distraction from the mundane. and much of the time we get caught up in things we enjoy, things that we like spending time doing, seeing, things that flatter us, things that make us feel special, needed, etc. i just find it interesting. when do you stop fighting and get caught up? i think i used to be good at discerning that, but i'm not sure as of late. i'm either one extreme or the other it seems. i don't think i like that. i mean i'm doing okay right now, but i'm pretty sure it is going to catch up with me sooner than later. it always does huh? or i think i'm doing okay, and i find myself getting caught up and have to reel myself back in again. i don't know what it is...

anyways, i need to drink a bunch of water. grey's anatomy premeires tonight, as does the office!!!! who else is excited. but i'm going to have to tape one of them. either that or just get the office off itunes tomorrow.

i wish i was napping. i might do that when i get home for a few minutes. i super excited about some things this week. that is nice.

i was just asking

2006-09-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

MB said I needed to write a blog. So here I am. Something I have been lately is fickle. I think I am more fickle all of the time than what I realize. I have always described it as restlessness, and I guess it is sort of the same, but then again I don't know.

Thus far, Sunday to right now, this week has been kinda funny. Honestly I would like to zone out right about now. I feel like I'm all over the place, but not in a super desperate kind of way. 've had some suprises and comfort has come from unexpected places. I'm not even sure it is really comfort, but I'm not sure how else to talk about it. So there you go.

Sometimes I wonder how we can become so confident and wrapped up in ourselves. I know I'm totally guilty of it too, but do you ever want to look at someone and say "Get over yourself." ?Maybe they would say it back. Probably. We are always so ready to assume that everything is about us, concerns us, needs our attention. But then again I often have a hard time taking things at face value, so maybe not everyone is wrapped up in themselves after all. I will think about it that way, I'd rather give humanity the benefit of the doubt.

I'm feeling a bit anxious about the remainder of the week. It will be fine. But I'm pretty excited because ACL is this weekend and I'm going. I'm excited to be going to Texas and excited to be going to Austin. It should be fun, I'm really looking forward to it. I miss Texas. I miss my friends. I miss some other things too. The honeymoon period is wearing off and the day to day is setting in. I've got to make my adventures I guess; put myself in cool-type situations. Or something like that. One of these days I'll find my groove.

Two things before I go. I'm listening to the new John Mayer CD and I like it. It is a different sound and one that I like. Second, there is a guy who works in the marketing department here who walks down the hall like Mussolini. He just walked by and I felt like I needed to salute him or something.

Listening, Continuum, John Mayer

oh, the places you (or i) will go

2006-09-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, 11:00 p.m. and I am writing a blog. Cool. :) Today was a good Saturday. Didn't do a whole, whole bunch, but that can be nice. I helped Kylie out with a bridal shower this morning, then came home and went back to sleep for a few, okay maybe three hours. Whoops. Then I went to Kylie's and we watched ridiculous episodes of Next, the UT/OSU game, ate spaghetti-o's and did some work.

What a day. I just got home and made myself a to-do list for tomorrow. The to-do list can have a fascinating presence in my life. Without it, I function okay, but with it, I function a heck of a lot better. The sad part is, I have to also put time goals on each task in order to keep myself in line. This self-imposed schedule really does help me get things done. If I'm feeling really ambitious I'll even put time restrictions on meals, showering, or random tasks like paying bills or going to the store. Scary, yes, but you should see my list for tomorrow. It is a little over-whelming, so I'm going to start some of it this evening.

Errrrg, I guess that's all I have to share. I had some crrrraaaaazy dreams during that nap today. They were pretty funny. I need to vacuum.

Watching: Can't Hardly Wait

just the same as the last time

2006-09-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like I got things done at work today, which was nice. Sometimes I am working and I feel like I'm just a hamster running on a wheel, but on days like today, I really like coming away from work feeling like I've accomplished something. In my job it always sees there is something hanging over your head. Projects seem to always be "open," at least none of mine have been closed yet, but I'm close on a few. Very close.

Tomorrow is Friday, the end of the week, and I like that. I like short weeks, or maybe I just like the weekends. Maybe a little bit of both. I refuse to be unproductive this weekend, it is going to be awesome. Slightly boring you might ask, okay, maybe a little, BUT don't worry, my home and I will feel great because of it. Get ready.

So this one time today I had this funny realization, and I was like "Oh man, not again." :) But it is okay, it is something that feels so completely unreachable, that it probably doesn't even matter. Okay, so maybe not unreachable, but possibly unrealistic. Yeah, unreachable isn't accurate, that makes me seem inadequate, and I don't feel that way; it is just slightly unrealistic right now. Maybe ever. I don't really know. This is my attempt at just putting faith somewhere other than in myself and letting love ride, if you will. It is slightly amusing I guess, it is something I hadn't thought of ever considering. And it is probably one of those things that will pass, I'm actually not sure what I'll do if it doesn't. Just something to think or not thing about really. This was vague, sorry, just let your imagination run wild.

I miss things, again. But it is okay, what can you do? Especially if things don't miss you back. And things can't always miss you back anyways.

Listening: Agaetis Byrjun, Sigur Ros

london fog

2006-09-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Oklahoma weather has improved considerably throughout the past two weeks. There will still be some days that are out of control hot, but for the most part it has been around 85 and sunny. I like it. It makes me wish there was a window in my office though.

Yesterday was Tuesday, but it sure felt like a Monday. I started feeling super bad at work so I left at 3 and went home. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess it is my allergies. I went home and slept for a little bit then went to the store and was in bed again before too long. I tried Tylenol p.m. to get rid of my headache and help me sleep, and it helped a lot, but I feel a bit groggy this morning. My head is just heavy and my eyes feel weighted down. Hopefully I'll snap out of it before lunch. Ha. I already feel better than I did yesterday though, so that is good.

At our staff meeting yesterday we took a field trip to Sonic. But we had to wear the shoes of the person who was sitting to the left of us in staff meeting. It was pretty funny, a little cheesy, but an overall fun motivational type thing. The activity wasn't supposed to symbolize walking in the shoes of one of our peers at Tate, but walking in the shoes of one of our authors. If my head wasn't so fuzzy, therefore making typing a little difficult, I would go into it, but just not right now.

Bleh. My toes are freezing right now. Ummm, okay I don't have anything else to share. I'm coming out of my fog so that means I need to work. I wish I had something sort of exciting to share, but I've got nothing thus far. Maybe later today something super cool will happen.

Listening: Further Seems Forever, The Moon is Down

here we are now, entertain us

2006-09-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

What is it with children? I teach dance classes, as everyone probably knows. This week was good, but horrible at the same time. The pre-schoolers were great, the middle school and high schoolers were great, the 7-10 year olds...sucked.

Like this hippo here, she looks kinda sweet, but see that glint in her eye? Yeah thats tween-age bratiness at its finest. That glint is the one that compels her to roll all over the floor, stick her hands in her mouth, complain incessantly about the wedgie her leotard is giving her, ask 40 times if she can go to the bathroom, and gives her the right to feel like she doesn't have to do what the rest of the class is doing becuase she either doesn't have an attention span longer than eight seconds or she simply thinks she can get away with not participating (knowing full well her parents are paying good money for her to be there). Crazy second graders. "When are we going to be done???" Seriously, we're done when we're done, get your hands out of your mouth and stop hanging from the bar. It is not my job to entertain you, it is my job to teach you. If you want to be entertained go home. Dance is fun, yes, but you are learning skills, so stop being such a jerk. I never thought second graders could be jerks, but a few of them are. Ha.

Today is Friday, thank goodness. After a horrendous deadline at work, September has begun, and hopefully with that will come some relief in the form of a smaller word count. That would make me a happy person. I got a call from the dentist this morning (in Abilene) reminding me of my appointment. I should probably reschedule that. I really like my dentist in Abilene (despite the cavity experiences in March) and I need a good haircut anyways--I haven't found a hair place here that I like--so it looks like I'll be in Abilene sooner than I expected. Who knows when that will be though. This is me thinking in type...

Clarification from last time: The "drama" in my life is funny. No harm, no foul.

I have had some serious highlights to my week. Little unexpected things that have made my days a little cheerier. It is kind of weird really. Me and Kylie are leaving the office around 3 to drive to Dallas for Labor Day weekend. We have Monday off (thank goodness). We are meeting the other girls there and it should be a fun weekend of hanging out.

Yesterday Kylie and I ate lunch at Tater's, this little diner down the road from our office. Theyhave greta burger and fries and even better corn nuggets. So I went into the bathroom and guess what I saw? An Elvis cut-out facing the toilet. This very cut out, mind you. Yes, folks, eat at Tater's and Elivs will watch you take care of your business. I couldn't stop laughing.

I'm drinking a lot of hot tea these days, and yesterday I broke down and drank coffee since I was wiggin out about deadline and working on about three and a half hours sleep. I need a serious nap right now. I sure hope it is supposed to be warm this weekend becuase I didn't even check the weather, I just packed. Ha. But I think I packed enough for a small army, so I should be good to go. Well, I gotta do stuff now, since I'm at work and all.

Love and other indoor sports,

Listening: Jeff Buckley, Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk

what i can and cannot do

2006-08-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

I feel better today. I made myself go to sleep earlier, even though I probably should have done some more work, but I feel better so hopefully I'm being more productive today. Note I say that while I'm writing a blog. Eh. Oh well.

So today has been funny so far. That is good, I like funny. I've read some things that I have just balked at. Seriously done a double take and then gagged a little. I know sometimes I am overly critical, and I should be much less condescending, but some people's actions/words/sentences are a little ridiculous. But that is just one person's opinion. I should be nice, it is much more polite.

I have taken a liking to analyzing/laughing at situations again. "Here we go." I know that is probably what you are thinking, but I probably won't share here. Just doesn't always seem appropriate. I know I'm vague sometimes, but some days it just isn't worth the hassle. I'm generally laughing at the ridiculous nature of what I am observing, but before you think I'm just laughing at other people, please know I am most often laughing at situations I find myself in/a part of/involved with somehow. Just silly really. I'm more likely to be specific with you in a one on one situation.

Another thing I find silly. When I talk to some people and they ask how living here is it is automatically "How do you like it?" "How is the job?" "Have you made new friends?" "Are you dating anyone?" Basically rapid fire. And seriously. Give me a break, if you know anything about my "more than friends life" in the past year you know that is a slimey can of worms. Okay, okay, not the males involved themselves--not sleazy for the most part, and those who are don't read this so it doesn't matter--but the situations just managed to end up totally whacked out for no good reason. Everything that has happened in my life in those regards probably could have gone much much smoother, but it didn't, and I learned from it, and everyone emerged on the other side fairly unscathed. And now those things are funny, sometimes secrets to laugh about when there are only two or three of you, but funny, regardless.

On a more serious note, a lot has changed in the past year. In the past two months for that matter. For the better really. I've come out of that weird cloud I was under and I feel like myself again. Whatever that feels like. The other day I thought about that and realized that those new friends I had in Abilene were great. (I single out those friends, becuase my other friends already knew my antics...the Abilene friends were those I found when I was there from last August to this July) There is really no explanation for that in my mind--a lot of weird circumstances were happening--this is totally cheesy sounding I'm sure, but thinking about all of that makes me know that God puts people in your life for a reason. I see people in my life right now who I thought were pretty much one act players, but they are still around and I think that is good, interesting, weird, funny, cute, silly, etc. Sorry to get all Oprah there. I'm over it now.

Kylie said to me "You do realize you have had more drama recently with guys who you aren't even dating than with anyone you have actually ever dated?" I said yes. Then I gagged. :) Please know this is all in jest, well mostly.

In answer to the four FAQs: OKC is good, I'm still learning fun things about it. Work is fine. I work a ton, it keeps me busy and I teaching six hours of dance classes a week as well. Yes, I have made a few new friends, but give me some more time I haven't even been here two months yet. No, I am not dating anyone, nor have I been on any dates. I have had one, maybe two people sort of register as blips on that radar since I made the great trek north, but no. I am obviously not ready for that, otherwise something might happening--my full take on things warrants a separate blog.

Back to being judgemental, we were joking about guys and "ugly" girls earlier. Yes, ugly is all about perception, I realize that. Please keep in mind that we do not think we are super awesome, nor were we comparing ourselves to any one person; we were not trying to be hateful. If you know either of us, you know what I'm saying here. It is less a theory about "ugly" girls and more of a silly theory about guys--you know, the whole "the opposite sex is a mystery, let's find ridiculous ways to explain it" type thing. You get the point. Here is a theory as presented by Kylie. "I have a theory about guys and ugly girls. If you rearrange the letters in ugly and take out the l, that spells guy. Maybe that makes guys think they have more in common with those girls, that they'd be easier to get along with."
P.S. My ears are actually sore from those dang headphones.

Listening: The Streets, Hardest Way to Make an Easy Living

headphones hurt my head

2006-08-28T13:28:00.001-07:00

I went to Walgreen's at lunch and bought some little headphones to leave here at work. They are hurting my ears. Maybe I just didn't put them in right. I don't know, I think my ear holes are too small for these things. They really hurt! This is ridiculous.

Kylie and I were talking the other day and recognized the fact that we have a "finals week" every month. That week is this week. We are in the throes of finals week and I'm already ready to jump off a cliff. I got really bogged down last week with a couple of projects and will be scrambling this week. I've made some serious progress toda though; after work, and two hours of dance I will do home eat a sandwich or make a hot dog with ketchup and work for two more hours then go to bed. That is my goal anyways. I think doing that will make me feel better tomorrow about where I'm at with my word count.

Enough of that boring stuff...oh wait, I'm just kind of boring. Ha. I apparently couldn't get enough sleep this past weekend. No matter when I went to sleep, I ended up sleeping a solid 12 hours and am still exhausted today. I am a little concerned that I am getting sick. My allergies are going crazy and my throat has been killing me the past few days. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I've already had mono (and have had the opportunity to get it again several times), so I don't think that is the problem. I don't know what the problem is. I want to start running again, that will probably help me feel better too, but I don't have time this week--at least not these first few days.

It is 3:30 p.m. and I'm yawning like crazy. Good grief. Today is first day of classes at ACU. Ahhh, Opening Chapel. Always such a sight. I know this sounds funny, but I've been missing Abilene things/people the past few days. I think about things or people and I get a little sentimental. To all those people/things: I miss you.

I have experienced new levels of flakey from people since I've moved here. But it is probably for the better.

My eyes are totally drooping right now, I'm going to have to get up and walk around.

Oh yeah, I will be running away soon, just in case you were wondering. Not sure when, not sure to where, and it all may be a little more planned out rather than spontaneous, but I will run away for a few days and it will be an adventure.

Listening: In the Reins, Calexico/Iron & Wine

pick out what you like (new and improved version)

2006-08-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Just in case you weren't sure, Laguna Beach is back. I don't know about you, but I was a little excited. It is a guilty pleasure type thing, what can I say? I missed yesterday's episode, so I'm trying to catch it on MTV even though I should be in bed.

Today was the basketball game at work. The team I was a fan for lost, soooo we don't get to go in late tomorrow. Gotta be on time. Again. It is okay though, I've got to get some serious work done. Here are some pictures:

The Gorillaz (in red)

The game. Duh.

The fans...they take the annual game pretty serious around here.

aaaaaaaaand...

The final score: Smurfs 30, Gorillaz 14. Hey, look at that really cute scorekeeper, too bad her team didn't win, she looks like she could have used two hours extra sleep. Don't worry, she's got plenty of work to do anyways.

I don't have anything to say again. Oh well. I read some interesting things today. I would like some new music. I'm going to the driving range with Ky tomorrow. Maybe I'll have something else to say tomorrow. I'm thirsty.

It's kinda intense, huh?

the abomination that causes desolation

2006-08-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

i should be in bed. seriously. it is 11:30 p.m., and i should be in bed. sometimes i get tired of typing grammatically correct, well-punctuated and capitalized sentences. i'm sorry your eyes and brains must suffer from my present lack of capitals punctuation and grammar. whatever, i can't help the at least halfway decent grammar.

it is wednesday, and it was a pretty good day. i have a huge bruise on my knee from who knows what. i think it is from dance class. i decided to turn over a new leaf tonight. hopefully i'll still be on the right side tomorrow. new leaves can be good. jennifer leaf bass. that's what i used to say instead of leigh.

tomorrow is the annual tate publishing basketball game. it all goes down at 4 p.m. i'm a fan for team one--the gorillas, represented by the color red. whoo hoo. whichever team wins, they and their fans get to go into work two hours late on friday. not to mention we all go to a gym an hour before the workday ends in order to watch/play basketball. and we get paid for it. pretty coolio, huh? it is the gorillas v. the smurfs, in case you were wondering.

seriously, i think i have a magnet somewhere on me that puuuuuulls awkward things my direction. it is funny and weird. mostly funny. :) i had a few more of those "huh???" moments today. ha. things that i had to repeat to myself a few times in my head and think about because for some reason i was easily confused today. i just felt like some of these things were out of no where and i didn't always understand the point, but then again i always analyze things to death, it's what i do. sorry, guys. if you're reading this you're probably over that flaw though. whatever.

i ranted to my senior editor, cdub, today. he thought it was funny. he just hasn't seen that side of me yet and he found it fairly amusing. cool.

i not very sure what to say now. i don't really want to go off on any tangents or address anything specific. sorry for the boring posts, i seem to forget funny or amusing things when i sit down to write a blog. maybe you will get lucky tomorrow. i pretty much love my bed.

Watching: The Fighting Temptations

ooohhhh, baby, baby

2006-08-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

i have a few minutes to kill, so i thought i'd write a quick blog. blaaaaah. that was me gagging b/c my day has been out of control. there were so many visitors at the office today and it took every ounce of sefl-control to open my door and smile. ugh.

so i got super stressed out today. sucks. i have absolutely nothing clever to say here. nothing. i want to go home, but i have two more dance classes tonight. i've really got to work on this heinous schedule of mine. 8-8 isn't cutting it anymore. maybe in college, but not now, and seeing how i don't even know what i'm getting paid for this dance gig, i think some changes should happen.

tomorrow is wednesday. cool. if it is anything like today i'll hate it as i usually do. sometimes i feel sorry for wednesday. but usually not. but at least my new pefume still smells good.

some things i would like right now:
a nap
my sweats
fuzzy sox
mac and cheese
a strawberry smoothie, no more of this fuze tropical punch crap
dance party
a camera
clove (or 6)

that's all i can think of. i've got to get out of here now. see ya, suckas.

what is it about love that makes us so stupid?

2006-08-19T20:09:00.001-07:00

I'll take a mulligan. Thanks. Now that we have that out of the way...

Today was one of the most emotional wracking days I've had since I left Abilene. Come to think of it, the past two days have been a bit trying. I know my past few entries have been a bit introspective, but what can you do? If you don't want to read it, you don't have to, okay? Okay. Now that we have that out in the open...today is Saturday. I am currently sitting on the couch at Kylie and Eric's house watching ABC Family and dog-sitting.

I feel like I got quite a few things accomplished today, but I have been in a daze--just going through the motions really. Last night a friend told me they were disappointed. I was so sad. It made my heart hurt; it was a fact I knew myself, but it is just different when someone else who knows you on a unique level tells you that. I know they weren't trying to hurt my feelings, just being honest, but it just reiterated some thoughts I've been having, and it made me miss the type of reality checks and tough love kind of relationship that I have with that friend.

This morning one of my very dearest friends told me he will be leaving for Baghdad in three weeks. I just sat on the floor and cried. I haven't talked with him in a few weeks, but I imagine I will be talking with him a few times before he leaves. I'm just not sure what I'm "supposed" to think or whatever.

Then some tentative plans for this evening were cancelled due to some circumstances. It is a weird situation, and I'd rather not get into it, but there was a conversation that I think really needed to happen; maybe that is just my opinion though, when I should just move on. Who knows. So that was slightly disappointing I guess, but more frustrating. It'll get worked out, I know.

Then there is this other thing that I just feel completely stupid about. Yeah. Stupid. I'm a stupid girl. I think one thing and say it; I make myself vulnerable and with that vulnerability eventually comes the realization that I'm just caught up in something that may be complete nonesense. It is nonesensical really, nothing about it makes any sort of sense, or has any kind of semblance to any sort of reality. But is that really an accurate reflection of the situation? If there is no relevance, why is it happening? Is there something in those circumstances worth paying serious attention to?

I realized today what I want. Not sure if it is the same thing as what I need, but sometimes the two align right? It is storming outside. ut I think there are a few ways to accomplish both things, I guess it will just be a suprise as to which way/when/how/if it all happens. Because sometimes we get what we want/need in unexpected ways.

There is a new show coming on ABC this fall called Six Degrees. It is about the statistic that any one person is connected to any one other person through six other people at most. I love things like that. That is the part of life that fascinates me the most, who we are, who we know, and how each person who comes in and out of our lives has an effect on us. Maybe that is why I have been thinking so much about all of the above circumstances. Eh, next time I will think less, I will make a list or something, or just give a play by play of my day. Something really regular like that. Regular like undiet Coke. It is storming bigger now. Please come share the storm with me. Tomorrow it will be Sunday, my favorite day for afternoon movies with you.

Watching: Under the Tuscan Sun

do your chain hang low

2006-08-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well. It is Friday. Thank goodness. I'm restless and just ready for some weekend time when I can schedule whatever I want and not do whatever I want. There are a few things I definately need to get accomplished, but it will be nice to just do it on my own time.

I've been feeling kinda funky the past couple of days. Just thinking a lot again. I'm finding I don't have a whole bunch of time to let my brain just run wild, so these past few days when it has, it has sort of made everything off-kilter. Not quite sure what it is. The 6-week funk maybe? Probably, I've heard that's pretty catching.

I'm dog-sitting for Immy and King this weekend. Should be fun, I'm looking forward to playing a lot. We're pretty good friends. I just know it is going to make me want a puppy even sooner. All in due time. We have a refrigerator at work and it has an ice machine in the door. There is NEVER any ice in there, but people always, without fail, pound the lever over and over. It is all in vain. Just open the door and look before you go pounding away, they should know after five visits to the freezer that there is never any ice in there. Seriously. Maybe I am just more sensitive to it seeing as how my office is like three yards from said appliance. It just drives me crazy.

Here's the thing, there are some circumstances in life that I think I will absolutely never understand. There are a few right now to which I just say "Ummmm, what???" Yeah. We all have those, right? (my eyes are burning right now, dang contacts are driving me bananas) I'm sleepy, I stayed up past my bedtime last night talking on the phone. I felt like I was in high school again, it was funny. The whole thing was funny, not just feeling like I was in high school. I'm such an oversharer; I need a new filter. Whatever, I obviously am not too afraid of offending anyone; if I was I probably wouldn't say half the things I do. Things are funny. I feel like I have plenty of things to consider, but aboslutely no ability to take an action or make a decision. Why is that? Circumstances. People always say "timing is everything" with relationships or whatever, but isn't that pretty true in the rest of life? I feel like timing is everything has become my life's mantra. That and "patience grasshopper." ha.

THE ICE MACHINE HAS NO ICE! STOP POUNDING!

Back to my thoughts, anyways, so I have been experiencing so many odd things lately. That is really the only was to describe them. Odd. They aren't "super weird" or "awful" just odd. Random would probably work too. Just funny occurances, conversations, thoughts, looks, ideas, intentions, etc. Just all over the place. This morning at one point I totally weirded out. It was like I took a step back and saw everything that was going on and realized that I felt silly. I kind of like being silly though. Anyways, the moral of the story is, things are odd, and I'm back to my daily grind of attempting to process and realize where it all fits in, becuase honestly a lot of it seems erroneous. Like static. But it is still happening, not just a blip, so what's gonna give? I mean seriously, some of it just seems like it is happening just to happen, for no purpose or good or bad, it is just going on. Just thinking in type...that's all. So then there are those times that you do or say things and then you just stop and think "Whhhhaaaaatttt?" Haha. Oh man, these days.

Anyways, that is all. I'm all over the place, as normal and I'm again missing some things today. Also wanting some things, not wanting some things, wishing I had some things, thinking how nice it might be if things just "were" instead of being complicated. But there are always little strings somewhere aren't there? We just don't always see them at first.

whatcha wanna do?

2006-08-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

i'm really really grumpy. grumpy beyond compare. and a little bummed out about some things. how is it that i've been here less than six weeks and I'm already itching? i don't understand, will someone please explain? since i'm grumpy i've decided to make a list of things i like in order to make myself feel less grumpy. then i'm giving up on tuesday and going to bed. i wish i was in bed already.

things i like: (part 3 i think)
thunderstorms
funny kids
big big hugs
my teddy bear
chapstick
yummy perfume
puppies
cuddling
hot showers
smiling
naps
kisses on my forhead and nose
wearing skirts
not feeling weird
baseball season
bests
funny circumstances
pillows
jokes
hot tea
swimming
sunday afternoon movies with you
funny dreams

time for bed. i'm missing things right now.

natural artesian water

2006-08-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

So the other day I'm watching the TV guide channel, right? Because, let's face it, I really like the TV guide channel, even though Talan from Laguna Beach is now a contributing reporter for "Teen Talk" or something like that. It took me a minute to figure it out, but it is definately him. Anyways, so I'm watching all the shows scroll by, and have you noticed they scroll so slow when you are just ready to get to a certain channel, but scroll super fast when you are actually trying to read everything?? We get to the Discovery Channel, right, and guess what is coming on at 8:30 p.m.? "The Science of Shark Sex." WHAT??? a) what member of American's general population is really going to watch that? b) who in their right mind in the marketing department at the Discovery Channel thought shark sex was the next big thing? c) how did the camera guys feel about having to tape that? No, I didn't bother watching.

Next. It seems we have entered some sort of countdown stage to the five year anniversary of 9/11. Please do not misunderstand me here, I think it is a day that should be remembered with reverence and sobriety, but doesn't it feel like everyone is going a little crazy? With the whole giant terrorist arrest in London last week, and 9/11 coming up, people are freaking out. And CNN, Fox News, the History Channel, et al, are showing specials about different aspects of 9/11. "The Miracle of Stairway B" about the people in the second tower who escaped down a stairwell, specials about the security of America and the number of possible targets in any given city--landmarks, ports, airports, shopping malls; World Trade Center opening last week (which had very low numbers at the box office)... I don't know. It just makes me think. I understand the exploration may just be part of the healing process. And it was a very public event, so it seems natural that healing must take place on a public level, but something about all the hoopla just rubs me the wrong way.

It is Tuesday and it feels like Monday. Last night was my first night of dance classes, which were fun. Tonight we go at it again, and then again tomorrow. I think having another place to go besides work, home and Ky and Eric's house will be good for me. I was going to start running again last night, but it started pouring. It was torrential when I was driving home from the dance studio, then it lightened up, but was pretty steady until I went to bed. The ground needed the rain though. Still raining this morning, though there isn't a window in my office so it may have stopped by now.

At work I like to eat beef jerky and fruit roll-ups. My bangs are in my face right now. Kind of driving me crazy. I feel very mod today. Is it obvious that I am not wanting to work? Yeah...I thought so. There is a furry headband at J. Crew that I think needs to belong to me.

I freak out less these days. That is good. Even though there are probably a few things that I should in fact freak out about. I just haven't been really. I like that. Although I'm looking for a few things to reach a breaking point in the next five days or so; an experience I am actually anticipating, just so I don't even have to consider a few thoughts anymore. That'll be good.

I love the rain. Would someone like to come play in it with me? Great, see you outside.

Listening: Sigur Ros, ( )

just look at it again

2006-08-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

It is 12:36 a.m. Why I am up is lost to me. It is that night owl tendancy, I just can't overcome it. Never will. Hopefully when/if I get married, he will understand.

Last night I stayed up sort of late and unpacked some boxes that were still waiting patiently. And I cleaned while I watched Almost Famous. It was good for me. I'd been in a bit of a funk, so it was good to be really produtive in an area of my life other than my job. I think I am coming off of the "I just moved to a new city/got a new job/new life of sorts" high, and I'm coming down kind of hard. But I am staying incredibly busy it seems, though I would like to work on my social life a little bit. New church on Sunday though, so that should be good, right?

My job...lots of work outside the office. But it is okay, I'm still trying to get my feet under me. I have some work to do over the weekend, but hopefully it will stay within reason. I've got some interesting books this month. One is written by a woman who used to be Mormon and is now (involved in) Christian(ity). Maybe I'll finish that one tonight? Maybe not. I feel like the biggest nerd, reading for work on a Friday night, but you know, you do what you can I guess.

edit: for Price...well and the rest of the general public/the 15 people who read this: Mormons are Christians. I didn't mean for it to sound like they weren't; I meant to get the point across that this woman was a Mormon, then joined mainstream Christianity. So I guess I should have just said that...sorry guys. Though, after reading her book, she didn't really do that so much either, so I don't really know what she classifies herself as now.

Today after work, Kylie and I went to the mall and ratted around, then she, Eric and I went to the Fox and the Hound and bummed around for about an hour. Baseball was on and so was a station with a great series of music videos, i.e. Coldplay's Yellow...it has been a few years hasn't it? Ha. Then home I came. I missed a phone call tonight that I would have like to have not missed.

I will be teaching some dance classes at a studio in Yukon (a suburb). I'm excited, it should be fun. We start on Monday; I'm a little nervous actually, it has been awhile since I've taught, but I'm excited. I'll have kids as young as 2 and as old as 10, I believe. We'll see how that all goes.

I'm yawning now. Time for something. Maybe I will just curl up and fall asleep in my favorite chair. :) I'm a bit worried there is something up here that is making my allergies seriously unhappy. I'll have to work on that.

Watching: Mona Lisa Smile

where i want to be

2006-08-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

Uh-oh...two posts in the same week, watch out world, I'm getting back in my groove. So I'm about to go to sleep and I can't wait, but I just felt like I needed to use the creative energy or whatever it is that is making my brain run. I don't understand the express lane at Target, it is NOT quick. It poured here today, but it was kind of nice. I wish it was still raining, I like it when it rains.

Do you ever just feel kind of stupid and funny about something? I do. About a few things really. Like you're just playing a giant game or something. Don't get me wrong, I believe I have a pretty light-hearted attitude about some occrances right about now, which is great for me. I tend to dwell and overanalyze, but I've gotten to the point where I just accept. You truly never know what is going to happen. I have realized that I absolutely despise when someone tells you one thing because they think it is what you want to hear, but their actions refute their words. Consistency is key. Eh. Whatever. I don't know. I just know I'm pretty happy with where I'm at for right now. Granted there are a few things I might tweak, but overall, I'm good. I've realized a ton of things about myself and about people I've surrounded myself with. It has been enlightening. To say the very least (this post sounds a little like those from the first part of the year...but believe me--completely different).

Though I do have some things inside my head that I would like to get out, but sometimes that just doesn't happen on my own personal time now does it? Patience is a virtue, one I occasionally lack in. I thought I was getting closer to being done with all my adjusting, but new adjustments came this week, so I'm trying to get my thoughts together.

Anyways, that is all. I don't care to get particularly specific right now, seeing as how I'm exhausted and I just don't want to get into it. :) I love my bed and I love laying in it. So that is what I will do.

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm happy for the weekend, though I thought of 24 today and Jack Bauer and I miss watching it. I hadn't thought of it in awhile. I work a lot. I moved and said: Hello real world, goodbye 24 marathons. I miss those, that was time well spent.

thats just crazy talk

2006-08-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am completely failing in the blogging department. it is 3:45 p.m. on Tuesday and work is tedious and weird. I got a new officemate today, so we are getting used to each other, meaning she is listening to her iPod and I am blogging. No, seriously, shes cool, kind of quiet, but alright.

So I have been meeting lots of new people. I've been haning out with Mike Booker a lot, going to church, just hanging out with him and his friends, and it has been fun. Everyone has been really nice, and even though he is moving to Augusta, GA, at the end of the week (I'm sad) I think the people I've met will still be friends with me.

I've tried a church, just one though. But I really liked it. Memorial Road Church of Christ. The singles class is really big so that is a huge plus.

Still haven't finished unpacking completely. That is on the books for this week/weekend. My first deadline was yesterday and it was super hectic and I'm glad it is over. We got new book assignments today at work so I'm glad to be starting a new month, and this time I'll have the whole month!

Ummmm, okay thats really it as far as a quick update. My foot is COMPLETELY asleep. It is going to be funny to try to walk on it. Man oh man.

do ya do ya

2006-07-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

There is someone in the kitchen area at work who is cackling. Incessantly. Why, I'm not sure. It is one of those laughs that you could ehar for miles and miles. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. She has crazy big hair.

I have no desire to be reading right now. My eyes are tired and I've got the beginnings of a headache. But not too much of one really, just a little bit. And it doesn't seem like it will be one of those super painful ones, it just seems like it will be one of those dull aching ones that doesn't seem to go away. It could just be my officemate though. Ha. Is it possible to get toxic posioning from a toaster?

Our office has become somewhat more girly. Or it at least has some color now. Before today my desk was bare except for the random stapler and perpetual can of Coke. My officemate's desk has a bunch of papers, a bookend with a lion head on it and a giant ceramic bull. We named the bull Fred, short for Fredirico. Fred is anatomically correct. I will try to snag a picture with Fred before my office buddy leaves so everyone can enjoy him. Anyways, today I brought in a vase with orange poppies, three frames, a lamp with a light blue shade and a bulletin board covered in orange-ish pink satin. I'm pretty sure Officemate went into shock. Slightly.

I enjoy casual Fridays. And really we only have 2 hours and 45 minutes left becuase of Fast Cash. But at least I'm out of the competition now. Thanks to my killer dancing skills last week. I'm anxious to see what today's competition will bring. I'm yawning excessively.

roly poly

2006-07-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

I have a roly poly infestation. I'm not even kiddng. As soon as I get the rest of my boxes unpacked, I will get the place sprayed again. Its so weird. But at least it is roly polies and not roaches. Sick dude.

Today was my second Monday on the job. I still like it, so we are good to go. This weekend was good. Friday Kylie and Eric came over and helped me unpack, which was a HUGE help. For real. Then Saturday Kylie and I went to the Yard Dawgz (don't ask me about the spelling...) game. That is the arena football team. It was interesting to say the very least. But still kind of fun. Then we went around downtown for awhile and found some fun places to go. Sunday I worked a lot of the day and just hung out, so that was good too. I'm learning my way around somewhat. I can get to downtown without a problem, but leaving downtown is a bit of an issue. Umm, thats all for right now. Bedtime.

so fast

2006-07-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

this will be quick becuase i'm so tired and want to get some decent sleep tonight so i can enjoy the weekend, plus i am waiting on some laundry--tomorrow is casual friday and all my jeans were dirty. 4th day of work was good. fairly uneventful, though it was raining this morning about the time i needed to get up and that made me want to sleep all day. after work i went to dinner with mike booker, which was great. i hadn't seen him in so long. he lives here but will be moving to augusta pretty soon, so it was awesome to hang out with him. he took me around downtown and we walked around some and walked through the bombing memorial which was really amazing. i would like to go back during the day and walk through the museum.

i've been thinking about a lot of things during my hours at work reading and sitting in the dark. i'll write about them sometime probably. right now my eyes are tired, i need some serious rest. i wish my dang washer would hurry the heck up.

Listening: Strange and Beautiful, Aqualung

here i go, here i go, here i go again

2006-07-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

Halfway through my first week in the real world and so far I'm fairly unscathed. I am an editor, therefore I read book manuscripts and fix people's mistakes. 9-5, with a 1 hour lunch break. I like it so far. The first day was a little nerve-wracking, I felt like I was being pummeled with information and people and faces and technology, but now I think we're okay.

I go meet the carpool at 8:25 a.m. and we get to the office about 8:55 a.m. Most everyone there shares an office with someone else, and I got put with a guy named Mark who will actually be leaving at the end of the month to start law school, so I'll have to start all over with someone new after he leaves. We get along pretty well, and I'm glad I got put with someone who is friendly. Our office is a bit like a cave though. He never turns the lights on and just uses a floor lamp, so I feel like a bat. Plus the first two days he was using this candle that was caramel flavored and it was so incredibly strong. We would leave the office and smell like caramel. I'm not even kidding. Yesterday when I got home and the apartment people had left me a candle as a "housewarming" gift, I decided to put it to good use. No more caramel, at least for now.

Other than that, my apartment is still sort of in boxes. Well, not sort of, it is. But I am sleeping in my bed and I can sit in the living room and watch TV while I unpack boxes. What a week. It is 10:35 p.m. and I am exhausted. But happy. I like it here so far. The transition has been pretty smooth up to this point. I miss people though. I'm excited for the rest of the week and the weekend when I will get to explore a little bit. It is bedtime I think, I need to "catch up" on some sleep, even though I know that is scientifically impossible.

Listening: The Streets

the amount of time spent blogging is inversely proportional to the amount of time spent packing

2006-07-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

If I have to pack another box (which I do) I will scream. So hold your ears. Pack, pack, pack. But today is go day. Well at least loading all my stuff into a truck go day. Tomorrow is the real thing. I go to OKC and I start working on Monday. My things will follow Monday morning since I can't move into my apt. until Tuesday. The moving process is stretched out over multiple days, which is less than ideal, but you take what you can get I guess.

Ros and I wreaked havoc on my apt. last night. It was HUGE help, thanks Ros. I had just gotten to the point that I knew what needed to still be done but I was so blah I couldn't seem to get it done. So she gave me a little push, and we knocked a ton of it out. Well most of what was left really. I will spend the time today (until my parents get here) throwing the small stuff left into boxes and aimlessly labeling them. ha. Well and the Salvation Army is coming to pick up some of my furniture (thanks to my grandmother and aunt I will have basically all new furniture!!!). Those are my plans for the day.

I have a mosquito bite on my hand and it itches like crazy. Okay, so I want to know HOW I manage to situation myself in the most awkward situations ever, on a regular basis. Is there no relief from the madness? Probably not. It is just wishful thinking. Well and then I would like to know how I manage to be a magnet for people who generate awkward moments. Granted I'm guilty too, but for a couple of days it has just seemed to hit me from all sides. But at least it is a source of entertainment (?).

Well, the time has come for me to do stuff. I'm not stressed yet. But I imagine I will be later. But maybe not, everything is pretty much packed up, I just can't walk anywhere in my apt. without tripping over boxes. My walkways are limited to about a foot and a half wide, so moving around has become increasngly difficult. I feel like a mouse in a maze, but I don't have any cheese. I like cheese though.

Watching: Old School

it feels like

2006-07-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

This morning when I woke up, I was pretty sure it was Sunday. Maybe that is wishful thinking on my part, with my mountains of boxes and belongings strewn everywhere. Either I'm wishing it was Sunday (two days ago) so I would have more days to pack, or Sunday (five days from now) so the packing would be finished. I'm at that point where there is no light at the end of the tunnel, just piles of stuff. Has to get worse before it gets better.

It has been quiet around here though. I was sort of hoping people would come by and relieve me of my belongings, but so far no takers. Ha. You know, maybe that guy with the gun? I have had a couple of realizations out of freaking nowhere, but that is a good thing right? But I haven't quite figured out how to verbalize them, that will come later. Eh.

I'm such a cheeseball, I've driven around Abilene a little the past few days when I've run errands or whatever and I've just tried to take it all in. It is time for me to leave, but I will miss some things about it. I've gone into that mode where I'm just curious about where I'm headed in life, who will be with me while I'm headed there. Not worried, just curious. I'm ready though. Slightly terrified, but ready. "Everything will be okay."

With that, I will tackle the remainder of my closet. It is like a black hole. Maybe if I travel far enough into it at a fast enough speed I will discover a white hole and a parallel universe (I learned that at the planetarium). Everybody, dance!

and some nights are just big

2006-07-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I've packed some boxes. Books mostly. The fact that I have multiple boxes of books may be totally weird to some, but completely normal for me. Whenever my family moved around, and it seemed to happen every five years or so, I always had a ton of heavy boxes for a little kid becuase I had so many books. I'm such a nerd, but I don't mind, starting next Monday I'll be paid to be a nerd.

Yesterday I went to the driving range with Erin and it was pretty fun. I didn't suck nearly as bad as I have in the past, I was pretty proud of myself considering my status as fairly unexperienced. It was good for me though, I would like to go again this week sometime I think. Ros came into town yesterday afternoon and having her here was g-r-e-a-t. We just had fun and it was the coolest. So good. Last night we went to a wedding reception, and we tried to fit in a lot of "Abilene things" yesterday and today, (i.e. Blizzards, limeades, Chicken E..etc, etc) but we didn't get to Mary's Palateria. That will have to be next time.

I think I'm going to stay up late tonight and pack, hardcore. I'll just put in a movie and work my butt off. Stress level update: I think it has gone down a little. I got a little better sleep last night, but my tummy is still full of squirrels. Sucks, but I know it is just the stress of everything that is going on. Whew. I should start watching Pride and Prejudice before I go to bed. When I got stressed out a few months ago, that always seemed to help calm me down. Who the heck knows why, though. Kind of a weird practice, I know.

I've been writing a ton lately (and I don't mean on my blog, though the past few have been a little lengthy). Just writing in a little spiral notebook. I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing for, no real purpose, I just sit down and write, not poetry though. I was never one of those kids who sat and wrote poetry though. Some people have that knack, I just never particularly cared for it for some reason. Mine is more like a conversation that you and I would have. That is the way I like it. Sometimes I just feel like I have things to say, so I write them down. Maybe someday I will let you read them. It would be interesting for someone to respond. But probably a little scary as well. Eh.

I'm starting to like the way packing tape and sharpies smell.

and i said...

2006-07-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

I got a ton of boxes from wal-mart tonight. I went and shopped for boxes...I got a ton of diaper ones and they kind of smell like diapers. Weird. But please note there are some creepy dudes at wal-mart late at night. For the record I don't like being followed, stared at or ogled over. Geez. Its like they'd never seen a female before. Seriously, I saw them do it to other girls too. Yeck.

Stress is what I have. Sort of. I mean like a freaking disease. I don't know if anyone remebers back to my posts at the end of April/beginning of May, but I'm at that point of stress and it hit me today. My sleeping has been out of whack, and my poor tummy is constantly nauseated. I'm ready for the mental and emotional stress to calm down, and I try to do things to give myself some relief. Like I'll go walk/run a few miles or just get out of the house and go sit at the park, or like tomorrow I'm going with Erin to the driving range and I'll have the great opportunity to hit things. Plus Ros is coming to town and that will give me some comfort too I think.

I was slightly concerned that I would get emotional and weird at some point this evening, but I did pretty well. I don't know. It is good though. I actually feel kind of peaceful. Slightly sentimental, but what can you do about that? I actually think I finally believe that it will be okay. And I'm beginning to feel like I need to credit my intensified prayer life for that kind of peace. It is just something I've been working pretty hard on, and thinking a lot about. There have been a few things that have completely shaken me, given me a bit of a reality check and I've tried to refocus. Some things are pretty unclear to me still, and I'm really seeking discernment. I just have this funny feeling about a few things, and sometimes my funny feelings are completely off, but usually they are dead on. Maybe my intuition is just more sharply focused than my brain sometimes. Ha. But my funny feelings aren't something I can put too much stock in becuase there are always other factors, you can only control so much and the rest is up to other people and a much higher power. The most important thing is I'm not too caught up I don't think, I'm really trying to just take things for what they are and let God do his thing and show me/help me discover what I need to.

That was a huge long thought. :) Man oh man. Sometimes you don't have to say anything, you just know. That is good.

Watching: Sliding Doors

another day, another dime

2006-06-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

More like another dime spent. But eh. Soon enough I'll be in the full-time swing of things and it will be gravy.

I should have done more today, but I did not. I guess that is what tomorrow is for.

I stayed up WAY too late last night, but it was okay becuase I had a giant funny conversation with an old friend. I laughed a whole whole lot.

Recently I've felt a little like I've had some indirect hits thrown in my general direction. Like when someone says something in an indirect way in order to make a point with you. And these instances have come from the most unusual places. Places I NEVER expected. I probably shouldn't even think twice about that happening; I'm probably being a little self-absorbed. Whatever man. Mostly it just annoys me. I've also felt as if I'm being humored in some ways, now that a huge life-changing event is occuring in my life. Which is me being insecure more than anything--I hope, but part of me thinks it is me being able to see through the BS. I have felt naieve, like I should see past an "act" if there is an act, like I should be able to see past the wrapping and understand something for what it really is. It is just disconcerting begin to think that you're being played for a fool. Although it is worse not being able to just believe when you really really want to, and you know you probably should, and so then I just feel suspicious of people. Which is stupid and really pretty ridiculous the more I think about it. I can't stand feeling like that, and I know I should just ignore it and give the benefit of the doubt like I always have. But I give the benefit of the doubt and sometimes get slapped in the face and that sucks butt. That annoys me too. Anyways, I just have to take what is said directly to me, and people's actions as the truth. I like living life better than way anyways. I hate feeling like I'm looking over my shoulder expecting someone to decieve me/manipulate me/lie to me/be hateful/let me down. What a miserable existence. I care to have no part in it. That was all random and weird, but something I thought of when I was driving today, so I shared. Eh.

I want to go to sleep early tonight, but I'm not tired at all right now. Hitchell Molt and I finished disc 4 of season 2 of 24 tonight and George Mason died, but he went down with the plane and the nuke so Jack Bauer got to live. Two really good episodes, both rather emotional for 24, but not overly sappy, so it wasn't cheesy really. I liked George and was sad to see him go, but this leaves us with Tony in charge of CTU, and I like him too.

The past two days have been COMPLETELY weird. Tuesday I managed to stick my foot in my mouth big time. I felt like such an idiot. I did my apologizing and I think I made things right. I probably overcompensated a little, but I just felt like a huge dummy and felt really bad about it. Then yesterday....oh yesterday. I should have just sought shelter. I annoyed someone, somewhere and my bad karma was coming back around. Maybe it was from me being a moron on Tuesday. I had some trash in my car (straw wrappers, that sort of thing) and I was leaving to go to the bank and so I just stopped by the dumpster in the apartment parking lot. I toss my stuff in there and step inside my car and see a guy come up to the dumpster and throw in a gun. Yes a GUN. Then he just turned around and walked away, me sitting there the whole time. So I drove off, but curiosity got the best of me and I circled the apartment complex and came back to the dumpster, found something else in my car to throw away and walked over there. SURE ENOUGH, I look in and lying on top is a .177 caliber handgun. So of course I go into CSI mode and use the paper in my hand to pick it up and yup, it was real. I dropped it a little freaked out and it fell to the bottom of the dumpster. But seriously, WHO DOES THAT???? Then I drove through and got some food and was going to sit at the park and eat, so I go to the park and see a firetruck and an ambulance and they are putting someone in the back of the ambulance. Then I went to the mall and was looking at comforters and the entires shelf fell down and everything went everywhere. Seriously.

Reading: The Debutante Divorcee, by Plum Sykes

hello world

2006-06-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

The quick version just in case someone reading this doesn't already know: last week I got a job in Oklahoma City. At Tate Publishing. I'll be an editor and I start on July 10. So I have a week a half remaining to pack up my life and move. It is weird and exciting, and I'm just hoping that it all comes together. Kylie and Eric live up there, Kylie actually works at the same place--so that is a huge blessing, and Mike Booker lives there too. So I will know a couple of people and that is good.

I really need to pack today.

Some things that have gone through my head:
Moving is something I haven't done in awhile. 12 years actually. My parents moved away from Abilene, but I haven't yet, and last week I realized that I am leaving home. We all complain about this little town, but it isn't too bad. I'm not scared to leave, that isn't it at all, just sentimental I guess. Abilene has been good to me.

Saying "goodbyes." That is a sensitive thing. I've said "goodbyes" to my bests already, a long time ago, but we say "hello" a lot too, so there is just an understanding, so this isn't about them really. There aren't too many people left in Abilene that I would call close friends of mine, but there are a few and they will be dearly missed. I've already said "goodbye" to one, well two really, and there are a few more coming up in the next few days I think. Sigh. Some "goodbyes" aren't even really that. They are more like "talk to you soons." Then there are the "goodbyes" that you leave and you know the liklihood of you ever seeing/speaking to that person purposefully-in order to further your relationship-is slim to none, but neither of you has a problem with that, so it really isn't a big deal. Those usually happen at times like graduation, with people that you only saw in passing. What is weird is when that happens with someone you thought was a "talk to you soon." But it usually doesn't happen that way with the "talk to you soons" and I don't forsee that happening with any of the people that I have classified as good friends here. Which I like, because those few people here have seen me at one of the weirdest times in my life thus far and they have muddled through with me despite my excessive displays of emotion (I'm pretty sure I've cried more in the past 3 months than in the past 3 years), and have constantly reassured me. I have no idea what role any of these people will play in my life in the future, but the role they have played so far has been significant, despite the short time I have known them (some as few as 5 months--AK!!!). They have seen the absolute best and worst of me (sorry about the latter), we've gone through a lot, but we've stuck for some reason or another, and I can only be thankful for having them put in my life. I didn't always understand in some situations, and maybe I never will, but I know these people are true. Otherwise they'd be long gone. But to those people, and you know who you are, thanks. I could thank you for a lot of things, but this is neither the time nor place, and I've already said too much, so thanks will have to suffice. :)

When you have big news, you realize who the most important people in your life are, because those are the people you tell the soonest, when you may have never considered their place in your life before. It can be startling, comforting and slightly disorienting all at the same time when you realize who your "persons" are.

Okay I had no intention of this becoming emotional and more like an Oscar acceptance speech than a blog. I guess I wasn't quite ready to tackle cleaning out my desk, which I have been dreading. I don't even like having a desk in my room. I never use it. It is storage basically. I'm just not a desk at home type person. Maybe I will keep putting it off until after lunch. I drove by this place downtown yesterday a building on which the only sign was "Garage Sale." It looked like they might have some interesting things, so I thought I would go check it out today. Yeah, that is what I want to do. They had this really neat birdcage in the window (no, MB, I'm not 70 years old) and it maybe totally lame once I actually see it up close, but I thought it might have some potential. And no I wouldn't actually get a bird. Birds as pets have always kind of weirded me out.

Listening: (Whats the Story) Morning Glory?, Oasis

someday you will find me

2006-06-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

I should write many things in this space. Not tonight though. My day was: long, hot, sweaty, messy, dirty; I swept, mopped, dusted, scrubbed, made deliveries, laughed with Brooke a lot; ate chips and salsa and queso for dinner at 11 p.m. I've had some great nights recently. I've walked with Andrea and we've pigged out on French Silk Pie, last night I met her at Kadesh devo and saw Jo, Tucker and AB and was so happy I could burst. Literally, I thought my heart was going to explode. A summary of my recent life will come soon I suppose, although, I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this already knows what is going on, but for posterity sake. Or something--there is always something other than the practical to share, and I will share that too.

"There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up."
--Oscar Wilde

Listening: Whatever and Ever Amen, Ben Folds Five

i don't think you're ready for this jelly

2006-06-18T23:12:00.000-07:00

23. I am officially 23. Doesn't feel much different than 22, and I think it is funny when people ask "Do you feel older?" I say "Nope. People still think I'm in high school." So I don't really say that but I think it. Today was a good day. It was a pleasant birthday. I had several phone calls, a visit and gorgeous weather. Plus I'm about to splurge on some Ben and Jerry's Black and Tan. I really had no intention of staying up this late (being 1:15 a.m.---yeah I know, not that late by my standards), but I've just been ratting around for awhile.

Signs was on TV tonight, and everytime I see that movie I always get a little creeped out. It isn't even THAT scary, just weird. I love the scene when Mel Gibson walks in and Joaquin Phoenix and the two little kids are sitting on the couch, completely still, with aluminum foil helmets/antenae. I laugh out loud every time.

I still have no idea what the build up around birthdays is about. Some people get really excited about them, some people could care less, I think I'm somewhere in the middle, leaning to the excited side. I just think they are kind of fun and for some reason they always make me think of when I was younger as opposed to thinking about the fact that I'm getting older. Odd, I know. I had a lovely day though. :)

I want to tell you more, just not right now. Now it is time for ice cream and a movie or a book. I can't decide which. What do you think? I'll let you know tomorrow what I decided.

where the air is rarefied

2006-06-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

It is birthday eve! Well technically, although I doubt the time on this post will reflect as much, it is officially my 23rd birthday. What? How did I get this far? I don't mean that in the I-have-reckless-behavior sense, although at times it is applicable, but I just mean how did I get this far and not notice? It seems at some point on some annual occasion it is inevitable for people to get nostalgic, wondering where the time has gone and what they have done with it. We'll save that for another day. Everyone always asks you what your plans are for your birthday. I don't really have any, but that is okay. It is my first birthday not to be around family or lots of friends, which is a little weird in theory for me, but not so weird in practice. I just mean that to say it doesn't bother me so much as I thought it might. Birthdays are funny like that. Sort of a weird "holiday," but always enjoyable. I'm pretty sure I'm going to like mine. It will be fun. I just know it.

Today I got a pedicure and the nail lady was funny. So was her husband, they were both really excited about the World Cup match between the US and Italy. When she handed me my shoes she said "long feet," and I just said "yeah, I know." It was funny, usually total strangers don't remark on the size of your feet, regardless of how large they are. She is funny though, usually our conversations consist of two or three word questions or remarks that she sends in my general direction with a giant smile to have me respond in two or three words with a giant smile.

I also rented two movies, neither of which I have watched yet, and bought two books. I'm a book-aholic. I finished one of them tonight, which I didn't mean to do, but I just got caught up. One of the plotlines is so easily identified with for me that I just couldn't not read it. It was weird. Totally weird. I'll share some the high points some time. Just uncanny how paralell it is.

The sky was a pretty gray tonight. And it rained. It smelled so good outside, I love summer rain.

Oh and a Happy Birthday to Emily!

don't worry baby, everything will turn out alright

2006-06-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

---from one of my all time favorite Beach Boys songs.

I really don't have much to say today. I sweated like a pig while I was at work today. I went walking, I sat outside in the storm and watched the lightning until the wind changed direction and I started getting drenched. Then I just listened to the rain. Please see the new Dodge Caliber commercial-I laughed so hard.

I was feeling silly tonight and had a ton of time, so I took a bunch of online quizzes. I think they are dang funny, I took quite a few--they are addicting!! It was sort of like a sleepover where you take those goofy quizzes in Seventeen...only I was the only one quizzing. Here are some of my favorites; some funny, some sorta true, some just ridiculous. So read if you will, laugh (I did) and enjoy this ridiculous insight (?). If nothing else, please find out what kind of donut you are. This may very well be my most useless blog yet, but entertaining to me. :)

What European City Should You Live In?
You belong in Dublin.
Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What Time of Day are You?
You are Midnight.
You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

How do you live your life?
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How are you in love?
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

Your Stripper Song Is: (Um, whoa. What?? Racy lyrics dude.)
Closer, by NIN
When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

The Muppet Personality Test.
You are Fozzie Bear.
"Wocka! Wocka!"
You're the life of the party, and you love making people crack up.
If only your routine didn't always bomb!
You may find more groans than laughs, but always keep the jokes coming.

What Food Are You?
You are French Food.
Snobby yet ubiquitous.
People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What is Your Love Style?
Your love style is agape.
You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What kind of donut are you?
You are a Boston Creme Donut.
You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

Watching: Family Guy

i can turn your gray sky blue

2006-06-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

So this thing happens to me. And it is weird. After I am in the car driving somewhere (like from town to town) I have this enormous amount of energy once I get to point B. On occasion I'm drained and bored of being in the car, but usually I'm just rarin' to go, as was the case today. And usually I have absolutely no outlet for this energy, as was the case today, therefore I get slightly annoyed that I'm actually excited about life in general and have nothing to do with that great amount of excitement. I could always unpack, but where is the fun in that? Either way, I always live through it to see another day, and search for another outlet. Although I did get to experience some 24 this evening, so I was able to live vicariously through the awesomeness of Jack Bauer.

Next, I'm trying to figure out why in the world my apartment smells like reheated brisket. I guess one of the neighbors was cooking, but it is late, who cooks brisket so late? Sick.

Third, I am apparently overqualified to work at Victoria's Secret. Found that out today. So...add that to another job-ish thing that was completely fruitless last week in Lubbock (the one I talked about just being so annoyed about that I didn't even bother to explain), and, well here I am, every kind of unemployed. I would like a "big kid" job, really, I would, but while I'm in the process of finding said job, I've got to have some source of income. Sigh. Where the heck am I in this whole thing? I'm trying hard not to get down about it, but after the whole Victoria's Secret thing, it is kind of hard not to. ..

I would like an adventure. Going on an adventure and want some adventerous company? Just bring me along, I will make myself useful, I promise. I will earn my keep. I can read a map, keep the car clean, do laundry when clothes run out...see the possibilities are endless. So know of anyone who needs a mapreader/makeshift maid???? Okay, so maybe no one needs one of those, but maybe someone out there wants to go on a day adventure with me? It could be great. Totally great. You and me, lets go. Not right now though, I have a toe cramp.

I just know some things. And I know I need patience. That is one of the things I know. I also know I need an open mind, now more than ever, and an open heart. I should probably open my eyes a little too and get my head out of the clouds or something supremely cliche like that.

Some Hawaiian Punch and bedtime.

it ain't over till the fat lady sings

2006-06-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

I heard "Hangin' Tough" on the radio today. The title of this blog is dedicated to The New Kids on the Block. The quasi rapping of the song intermittent with laughter and "oooooh o0000h oooooh oh oh. we're rough!" is about all you could heard for three and a half minutes while I was driving. It was so great. I'm pretty sure that made my day.

Housesitting is over. I sure sat well. Ugh. I think I could probably turn that into a profession (a very unhealthy one), although I told my parents tonight that I was going to become a pirate and sail the open seas instead of referring to myself as unemployed. Think how much better that looks on a resume, instead of a gaping amount of time with no employment you have "world travel." I mean if you can swashbukcle okay then there has got to be pretty substantial room for advancement in piracy. Just a thought.

I'm pretty proud of the way I have handled myself recently. This sounds completely arrogant, I know, but go with me for a minute. I think in the recent past, I have not handled my emotions very well. I know I haven't--making life more complicated. In the past few weeks I have attempted to take a more proactive approach to addressing problems/situations/emotions/gastrointestinal issues (kidding about the last one). There is still work to be done I think, but I've made some progress in some areas where I had been lacking before. Which is nice I suppose. I am trying to take some things with a grain of salt, which creates a bit of a tension, for me especially when I feel that there should be more of a mutual accountability for words/actions/emotions/whatever, but I'm searching out the balance, and I think that has become the more important issue. Not me worrying about what is "supposed" to go on so much as me taking steps to make sure that I'm holding up my end of the deal. Even though I'm not exactly sure what my job description is sometimes. This sounds weird, but I think I'm trying to care less. Okay, not care less per se but care about the things that matter. And sometimes it takes something crazy weird to make you have a "come to Jesus" moment, but then wrinkly things start getting ironed out okay. And maybe it is more like your favorite white linen skirt that will never NOT have wrinkles becuase that is just what linen does, but you finally think "it is going to be okay" and you can hear that and really believe it, and you feel a little wary because you want to believe it; you've wanted to believe it for awhile, and tried but it always turned out more wrinkly and yuck so you never really did, but you do now. You are just pretty sure believing it is what you should do, and that is all you can do and you just trust that you are doing the best you can. All of that to say I feel productivity in my life and I am thankful for it, it is an answered prayer really.

I don't know where that came from. :) That paragraph made me thirsty.

Reading: The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis

lets rearrange

2006-06-13T01:04:00.000-07:00

Day 5:

Pretty much the same as day 4. Only I drove around for half an hour looking for a mailbox that had a late pickup time. I finally found the post office. Then it rained. Hard. Really hard. The kind of rain that actually sounds a little like hail. It happened all of the sudden, then it was pretty much over. It was nice to listen to though once I got back to the house. I've been cleaning and doing laundry and I'm wating for stuff in the dryer that is why it is 3:30 and I'm sitting here killing time.

Other than that I paroused both Facebook and MySpace for ridiculous amounts of time becuase I was bored and there are pictures to look at. Ha. Something interesting. A special on Vh1 called "America: The Drug Years" was tonight. Interesting and funny at points too. It is a documentary with different scientists, cultural critics, and historians. They showed clips from films made during the early 60s warning kids about the dangers of marijuana. One depicted a "pot party" with "youngsters" and followed the story of one kid who "put his dignity and future on the chopping block" when he accepted a joint. Clips from Reefer Madness, the infamous marijuana warning film of which I'd already actually seen some of (random I know), were used and they are so out there--this woman going maniacal playing the piano while smoking pot. Crazy. It also talked about how drugs like LSD became highly recreational after the CIA began to fear that it would be used by the Russian government as a truth serum of sorts. So the government started doing private studies. Nutty. That was my random information share for the day. You should watch it if you like documentaries about the evolution of culture, etc.

I just sounded like a huge nerd, but thats okay. I need some water.

Watching: Last Holiday

i'm tired of running, lets walk for awhile

2006-06-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

Day 4:

It is official that I have gotten too much sleep when I toss and turn all night. This is probably the only time in my life that I will feel constantly rested so I suppose I should enjoy the vitality, but I like being able to sleep when it is dark outside, heck I like being able to sleep when it is light outside, but not sleeping at night=no fun.

I cleaned today. My grandmother said she'd pay me extra if I cleaned house since her cleaning lady's husband decided he wanted to be a missionary and they took a Winnebago to Mexico last week. I only got part of the way done, and I'm pretty sure I nearly died cleaning the jacuzzi bathtub. It is really wide and deep, and it is funny how slippery things get when you have sprayed them down with bathroom cleaner and you are running water to scrub everything off. But it was only a near catastrophe.

There is a cat who keeps walking around and sort of growling/hissing. Incessantly. I've gotten mad at him, but he doesn't seem to care. Obviously you can't really scold cats the way you scold dogs, but good grief, wouldn't you get tired of growling all day long? I wonder if he has a hairball?? The friendly cat thought it would be funny to crawl in the kitchen cabinets tonight while I was putting things away--don't worry he is out now. When he got in there I tried grabbing him, the last thing I got was his tail and then I thought "that probably isn't very good for the cat..." so I let him go for fear of fracturing or de-tailing the poor guy.

Now I am listening to Sigur Ros. Last night I was thinking of how I missed my friends and doing random things in the night with them. Just whatever our little hearts desired. I thought of that becuase I was up in the middle of the night thinking how fun it would be to do something silly.

Coming attractions: Reflections on movies, specifically those aimed at the "teeny-boppers" or romantic comedies or basically any movie with some sort of romantic subplot.

Watching: Fast Times at Ridgemont High

i think you're crazy, just like me

2006-06-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

Day 3

Just as uneventful as yesterday. Except I let myself sleep in as long as I wanted. Which was quite nice. Now I am drowning myself in water because I think I have drank too much Coke today and not enough water and it has made me feel ew. I haven't set off the alarm yet, and last night was less scary than the night before. But still a little weird. I had to force myself to roll over facing away from the door to the bedroom and just close my eyes. I think I am secretly worried that someone is going to break through the skylights in the living room and rappell down and steal me or take all the furniture or something. Hahaha.

Yesterday I was at the ATM machine, as I was pulling away the guys in the car behind me cat-called me. I thought "you can't even see my face you weirdo, all you can see is sunglass and my hand as I reach for my receipt. you've got to be kidding me." It was funny though, I laughed out loud.

I took a jacuzzi bath tonight after I ate pizza and watched Runaway Jury, which was fun. I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow. I went to the mall today, and usually I love the mall, any mall really, but today I walked around the entire thing in less than half an hour and was totally bored of it. What is wrong with me??? Ha, kidding. But really, I never get bored of the mall. I guess I just know I don't need anything so I would feel completely guilty about buying anything.

Daily fact: 98 degrees was only the second all white group to be signed by Motown Records, after they were signed, Motown moved them to Harlem where they were instrucuted to join a church choir in order to increase their soul.

do you ever think that you might be searching for something you already have? just something for anyone/everyone to consider I suppose.

i'm awake, you're still sleeping

2006-06-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

Day 2:

Well, besides being decidedly more uneventful than day 1, day 2 was fine. I got up unusually early for me but then proceeded to move my lazy self from my giant bed to a cush chair in th living room where I binged on Making the Band 2. Which did absolutely nothing for the way I felt, making me feel more lazy, watching these girls dance their butts off for hours at a time. I was completely jealous, and have fully decided to rekindle my passion for dance ASAP. Are you with me? If not, you should be, it is awesome. I would do a little sequence for you, but you can't see me, so you will just have to imagine it and love it, and live with the knowledge that next time we are together we will dance ourselves into a frenzy.

Though I was in a good chair today, my favorite chair in the whole world, unfortunately (?), does not face the TV. I was tempted to move it today. It is one of those chair and halfs that are perfect for just about everything. I love them so much, and this one is just great. Instead one of the cats (the friendly one) slept in it all day. But at least he kept me company sort of, even though he was comatose. All but one of the others run away from me--seriously! Am I that scary?? I don't think so. They are just wusses. I'm totally an animal person too and I'm getting rejected. It is tough on a girl.

What else? I was only borderline disappointed (but more annoyed) about a job thing today. It is dumb to the point that I'm not sure I care to explain it becuase it just annoys me more than anything. And the friendly cat just turned his back on me and is sleeping facing the wall. Really, am I that unbearable? Haha.

I was scared silly last night, so I stayed up super late reading. I couldn't bring myself to sleep. Even though I was locked in the house and totally secure, I managed to freak myself out. I'm one of those people who will sit in a room and plan my escape route with different catostrophic scenarios in mind. And I also add up the numbers in street addresses to equal a single digit. There I confessed! My two obsessive compulsive tendancies. Please love me anyways? But I think tonight will be better. I'm super tired (from staying up so late last night I assume) so that should help. Tomorrow is Saturday, I don't know what I will do. Probably a lot of the same, but I may go wander around Kingsgate shopping center, it is a fun one, or maybe go to the mall? But there will be zillions of people at the mall tomorrow and I'm not sure I want to deal with it, so I might save that for Sunday afternoon and/or Monday.

Watching: Wedding Crashers

you are the only one who needs to know

2006-06-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

Adventures in Housesitting: Day 1

Well, 24 hours have passed and I have completed my first day of housesitting. Fairly uneventful. Last night when I got here, I was briefed in everything housesit-ish. Such as the proper use of the house alarm, important phone numbers, etc. I'm worried I will accidentally set off the alarm at some point. We'll see. So far I'm 1 for 1. But I think I'm going to enjoy the time that I'm here. Only one of the cats, Dash, has been very social so far. One of vie. Five cats, I had forgotten there were that many, but I really don't notice becuase they are shy.

I feel a little like I'm staying in a hotel. I have 4 beds to choose from and 4 other rooms in which I can sit in big chairs and read books and I can take jacuzzi baths and watch big screen TV. Last night I slept in one of the king-sized beds. I was in my own kingdom! That is the greatness of having a king-sized bed when you are married, I will have my kingdom, you will have yours, but we can be diplomatic about things. Ha. Although, right now, I have decided that if I am single forever I won't own a king-sized bed, it is too lonely, queen is good enough for a person my size. I like it for "vacation" and I like all the pillows, but I have a feeling that in a few days I will think a sleepover would be really fun too.

Today was all about catching up. Had lunch with an old friend, ran errands with another and ate dinner with another. Whew. I'm all socialized out! But it was good and fun, I hadn't seen any of those friends in a long time and it is always nice to catch up with people. I also went to Barnes and Noble and bought 3 books. I love book buying, it is one of my favorite things.

I was also thinking how great it would be to have friends come visit. How fun would that be huh??? Super fun. I know! So who wants to come visit me? I'm at 64th and Memphis. You should come. It will be fun, we can sleep in, play, just have a good old time hanging out. I would love that. We could go paint ceramics, go to the OMNI theatre, bum around. Sounds good to me. What do you say?

Fact: Syracuse University offered a class in 2001 entitled Queen Bitch 101: The Life and Times of Lil' Kim. The curriculum was focused how Lil' Kim and her openness with her sexuality affected popular culture. She even lectured to the class.

Uh-oh, here comes Dash, hes coming to check me out and be friendly. Oh just kidding, he passed me up. It is about letting go and allowing things to happen, it is about trying something you normally wouldn't and finding happiness.

Watching: Gladiator

ha.

2006-06-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

--Elbert Hubbard

I just thought this was funny. :)

little heartbreaker

2006-06-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today have been weird. Those kinds of days that are really cool, then something hits you and turns it all upside down, then it is better again. That is why they have been weird. Like I said in a previous blog, the little hiccups should be straightened out soon enough.

I got to eat lunch with Becca yesterday when she stopped here on her way to Austin. That was fun as always. I have drank so much water today, I feel water-logged. But water is good for you, so I guess it is okay. I should drink more water every day anyways. I had another Sex and the City marathon yesterday as well. Then I stayed up too late again. Go figure.

I have this feeling. Something big is going to be decided soon. Well a few things big. I am leaving on Wednesday at some point and will be gone for awhile. I hope some things are decided before then, and I know that a few things will not be decided until after I return. And maybe decided is not the right word, but neither is resolved and neither is figured out, so we'll stick with decided for lack of a thesaurus. I'm kind of anxious, but I am just more "ready" than anything else. Ready probably is not the right word, I'm not really sure what would be best. Ummm, yeah. That and there are just some things that need to be taken care of, not exactly loose ends, yeah, not loose ends at all, just a little reassurance and clarification. No, not even clarification, mostly the reassurance and just getting back on track. Not any particular track. Any track really. Could I have a few more vocabulary issues tonight? :)

Did you know that Gene Simmons was Liza Manelli's manager at one point? Weird.

Watching: Something New

somewhere only we know

2006-06-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

For dinner I had pizza. Now I am sick. But I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I worked today and took a random mid-evening nap and have watched about 3 movies on TV since then. Tomorrow I'm cleaning my house, like it has been never been cleaned before, or at least like it has never been cleaned in the past 3 weeks. I was going to last night, but I ended up staying up too late talking with a friend. But that is okay. There is tomorrow for the cleaning.

So. I've been writing play-by-play posts. Hopefully they have been nothing but pleasure for those of you who tire of the other kind. For the first time, well ever, I'm tired of writing. Talk with me? Please?

Things are going along fine. Recently there has been a hiccup or two, but its going to be okay... I think it will be settled better in a few days. I would like it to at least. I've not been over-thinking in the least (be proud for me). Some things are clear, some things are still a bit cloudy, but isn't that the way it always is? But suprisingly I think I know. :) Unusual huh? Take note, it may not happen again for awhile. ha.

The funniest things can happen in the quiet times, but is it in those quiet times that we really are being true? Those quiet times when nothing else seems to matter, it is only before/after the quiet time that we are reminded of everything else. So which is the truer...the quiet or the before/after the quiet? At least that is how it seems anyways. Ah yes, but it seems to be all about the search for truth, ja know?

Something I was reminded of today at work, it is all about perspective. Oh that and I learned that one of the largest gun distributers in the nation operates here in Abilene, though apparently not that many people know of the place, its an unmarked building or something like that. So clandestine. I'm pretty sure he's banking, either way...it sure seemed that way at least.

Everyone MUST see the pop and lock pepto bismol commercial. It is the best I've seen yet.

I've been cheery for awhile now. Nice.

lets fly away

2006-06-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

It seems like I have read/heard several things today that have made me go "what..." and then laugh hysterically. I love things like that. Things so totally random. Well and then some of the other things were so incredibly below the belt/cynical that you just have to laugh at the irony and remember that laughing is awesome. Oh man.

I put a faux finish on the men's bathroom at work today. So basically I spent all day in the bathroom with incredibly strong smelling paint. It didn't smell normal, it was like paint on steroids. I'm cheery. 16 days until my birthday. Although it is not a big exciting number or anything, but it is a birthday, and it is fun to be excited about birthdays, it makes me feel like a little kid. I am sharing with dads all over the world this year.

Here is something to look into: "King of blue eyed soul meets chairman of the board." That is the tagline for "Bolton Swings Sinatra" a new CD by Michael Bolton. I'm not joking either.

ba ba ba ba ba, the joy of cola

2006-05-31T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to Coke (A Cola). I'm not even kidding. Mary Beth wants to marry stuffed crust pizza, I want to marry a can of Coke. I'm addicted and admitting to your addiction is the first step right? And I know it is bad for you to drink too much Coke, I should definatley drink more water, but how about I just leave my Coke intake the same and drink more water? That'll work right? That is all I'm willing to give right now, maybe someday I will be super inspired to quite drinking Cokes, but I don't see that day coming anytime soon. :)

What else? Another Wednesday come and gone. It was alright. It was nice and cloudy today, I was really hoping we would get rain...the kind where it rains when the sun is out too. I love that so much. I know I've talked about it before, sorry.

I rediscovered the girls of Sex and the City this afternoon. It has been quite entertaining. I'm about to watch more of it. And probably more tomorrow. I need a snack. And a smoke (Carrie is rubbing off on me), although I know I will never need to smoke. Maybe I will go and drink a Coke too for good measure.

Watching: Sex and the City the complete third season

please don't crazy if i tell you the truth

2006-05-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

"Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you." The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis

I sought some words of wisdom this evening and I kept coming back to this. It fits well right now. There is much going on, and in everything I find there is absolutely nothing. I feel an incredibly strong pull right now, or maybe it is a push, toward something, and I'm not sure how to execute what I feel like I'm supposed to be or whatever. (I know that probably makes no sense) It will come, or I will go to it--that might be the more apropos phrasing. I do not know. I should probably just put faith in doing things the way I am and just keep on going. I just know what I feel like I should be doing and I am not exactly sure I am getting it done. Like I said I should just put faith in the fact that what I'm doing is what is right for right now. I'm not one of those people who has ever really felt "put" in a place by God. I've never gone anywhere or done anything becuase I felt like God was pointing my life in that direction. I've just figured out that I fit there after the fact. Not sure I would quite call that blind faith, but I suppose I did just put faith in the fact that I was getting somewhere or doing something at all.

I needed words of wisdom and I thought I would share. They gave me some comfort, like a hug or a smile (the kind without teeth, the kind that you see in someone's eyes more than on their face), a reminder, a refocus to what I'm ultimately seeking. Having perception of self through spiritual identity. In a nutshell. So basic, yet so easily lost. Sometimes you don't even realize that you have lost it. It is something that has been weighing me down pretty heavily for awhile now. I couldn't figure out what it was, then came the proverbial anvil. A few posts ago I talked about a priority list--this is at the top.

Lewis just happens to be more concise, his 2 lines to my 20.....

I'm listening to the thunder.

p.s. I was really excited about the banana/coconut frappuccino at starbucks...vanilla still wins

if it looks like it works, and it feels like it works, then it works

2006-05-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

not sure i agree with that or not. i've seen stuff that looked like it worked, and felt like it worked, but it totally did not work. nice principle though. it'll get you through the day.

anyways, i went to my parents' house this weekend. the little sister graduated from high school. i feel SO old. (23--what?????--birthday in 21 days for anyone keeping track). regardless, it was pretty fun actually. andrews h.s. does outdoor graduation in the stadium, old-school-small-town type thing. it rained. the entire time. it was really funny though. i think i laughed through most of it. it was raining these HUGE raindrops and the wind was out of control so the kids kept losing their hats and the ushers had to chase them down and the poor acapella choir sang but you couldn't hear anything because the wind was blowing in the microphones. then after all the pompous and circumstantial you go down on the field and find your respective graduate and take as many pictures as possible. which we did. and because my parents are the way they are we were inevitably the last ones there chit chatting with whomever. it is funny going to andrews becuase no one really knows me since i've never really lived there. they just see this girl (me) standing with my parents and usually get a confused look on their face because they know i look a little like steph (little sister) but i'm definately not her so either they introduce themselves or ask "oh is this your other daughter??" or continue in a conversation with my parents casting me sideways glances trying to figure out if i'm the estranged cousin or something. it is funny. even 5 years later.

saw the da vinci code. eh. it was good i guess, maybe i just wasn't as thrilled becuase i've read the book a few times and knew all the "suprising" stuff. but it was quite nice to see the louvre and london...i miss those days. i left the theatre wishing for a night in paris.

this afternoon i played 9 holes of golf with my dad and another father-daughter set. i was terrible. i redefined terrible, although as we progressed i got a TON better. but it was still fun i guess. excitement on the links: rattlesnake in the middle of the fairway of hole 6. it was large and unhappy. i was pretty sure it was going to jump into the cart next to me. snakes can sort of "leap" right?? (sometimes i have an overactive imagination...) regardless, it was gross and very snakey.

Listening: Final Straw, Snow Patrol

this time around

2006-05-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

Wendesday is over. Okay, and it really wasn't too bad. :) Ummmm. I thought I had a bunch to say. but I'm over it I think. Here are a few things though: I think I may have taken too many painkillers...I am truly becoming lackidaysical (don't ask me how to actually spell that) and completely absent-minded and I'm kind of freaking out about it. So if your phone rings in the middle of the night, try and answer, it is me calling you because I'm ill. I really think I'm fine, I'm just freaked out about it a little, because if I actually did take two in 45 minutes I could be doing the technicolor yawn for hours. And that would suck. So far I feel fine though, we'll keep our fingers crossed. I really am losing my mind though, I need some sort of beeper on everything becuase I keep losing things like keys, my phone, my glasses, etc, etc. What has gotten into me? Who am I kidding, I've always been a little scatterbrained about the little stuff.

Tonight I drove around by myself for an hour and a half. Yes, a total waste of gas and with gas money, but I prayed nearly the entire time. And maybe it is weird for me to share something like my prayer life (even though I'm not really sharing much) via blog, but it just felt right. I don't know. I've needed a sounding board the past few days, I've got a lot going around in my little brain, completely new things, and I've not had a situation in which to share them, or really anyone to share with. I have plenty of people to share with via phone or email, but sometimes that just doesn't feel right. So I'm holding onto my stuff until further notice, or until that situation reveals itself. There is a lot moving around in there, stuff I'd like to suss out at some point, things I'm really really excited about too. Oh man, am I excited. Big lessons for me right now: patience and self-control.

It is summertime, and I love summertime. With all of me. It is much different from last year at this time though. I miss the companionship I had. I just love the comfort of friends I guess. As much as I love being alone and doing things by myself, I still love being around others. I hope that when I move I can get that at some point. I know it takes work, but if it isn't worth working for is it really worth it? I don't know. Feeling lonely has been a struggle for me the past few months anyways. I know I'm in a state of transition, but I'm used to being able to take care of myself (I don't know how else to say it) and I've felt in desperate need of support lately. Which is unnerving to someone like myself I suppose. I'm seeking something different though, needing someone to lean on a little or maybe I 'm needing someone who can lean on me a little as well? Interesting thought. Either way, it all seems to be going back to the giving and recieving. Anyways, I said more than I intended. Tomorrow is Thursday, and who doesn't love Thursdays? Next time I think I will talk about pet peeves. We talked about those at work yesterday and I heard some funny ones, so I will share them.

Watching: Rumor Has It

my heart goin boom boom boom

2006-05-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Saturday Camille and Marcos got married. It was great. I couldn't be anymore happy for them. All the bests were back together for 4 whole days and that was pretty great too. We started on Thursday and stopped yesterday. A tiring, but wonderful 4 days spent.

The ceremony itself was so fun. Or at least I thought so. Everyone was comfortable, and truly happy and it was so personal and you just felt really involved in what was going on. Two great families have come together. Something that was discussed frequently Friday and Saturday was God bringing the two together, God's preparation of each individual for collaboration...it just made me think.

Weddings can do funny things to people. You know the cliche of weddings being great places for guys to get a date, that sort of thing. Going to weddings, especially those of close friends always makes me want that. That not being some random guy hitting on me, but that being the what weddings stand for. Not necessarily the wedding part, because I don't at all think I'm looking for marriage right now, but the unconditional love and the grace that is involved. Thankfully, we already get both of those regardless of our relationship status, but it isn't me thinking "I want someone to love me..." I think it is more wanting the giving and recieving, having the opportunity to give as well as recieve. Which may sound weird. I don't know. And it isn't only that, it is being involved in something so much bigger than yourself. Something that isn't shallow, something that is solid, meaningful and something that you have to work at. It isn't even that I'm searching for a relationship right now, or that finding a relationship is a top priority for me, it probably is not on my top five (yeah, I'm totally serious). If something comes along, I'm not going to fight with it, but I'm not actively seeking it. For me, it is just seeing the beauty of something like that and realizing that it is totally possible and can be completely within reach. I doubt I'm explaining myself very well so I will stop for right now. I'll clear it all up later.

I'm waiting for a box in the mail and trying to figure out what I will do with the rest of my day.

Watching: Fever Pitch

the sooner we are, the sooner the fun

2006-05-17T23:34:00.000-07:00

only 15. holy moly.

i like staying busy. i should do this all the time.
it is playtime.
my back is burned. ouch.
and my little toe is seriously injured. its swollen and was bleeding earlier.
OUCH!
basically i'm falling apart.
but i couldn't be any happier doing it.

me and mill and papa perry got stranded on s. 14 and treadaway today in the green machine with two giant port-a-cools in the back end. which mill and i very successfully helped load. we are nothing short of muscle maniacs. we are girls, but we can load heavy things. the lady in the lane next to us was NOT nice. poindexter helped us push. well they pushed, mill steered, and i gave the mean lady dirty looks.

i have to get an early start tomorrow. i've got some prep work to do.

i love this part of spring. it was so nice outside today, and its beautiful outside right now, it is just great. it makes me glad. plus you can still see three planets, which is pretty dang cool too. i'm smiling for you.

i told her that i didn't know

2006-05-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

happiness is.....

tonight.

today i had the weirdest experience, i was in the car and listening to music and all of the sudden it was like a brick wall hit me (not i hit a brick wall) and i started tearing up and then i just couldn't stop laughing. i am pretty sure anyone who was on the road with me thought i was heading to the funny farm. but i didn't care. (did i mention i was alone? hahaha). it was surreal, honestly. as much as some people don't like surreal, i like it. it was just good.

i figured it out. i should have written it down, but i didn't have anything to write with or on for that matter. i'm going to try to remember before i go to bed so i can tell you. i'm ready, lets talk, it is probably my turn. then it is your turn. i'm sorry if i don't let you have turns the way i should. it isn't fair. so maybe it is your turn first, then mine. i like talking. i like listening. i like me talking to you, but i also like you talking to me.

i'm excited but i'm not going to tell you about what becuase i'm afraid if i tell i might lose it. especially if i tell over blog. i will tell in person. not blog.

i love frank sinatra. since i have loved him since i was in middle school does that make me a huge dork? probably, but i was really into that era back then. not that i'm still not into that era. my favorite thing to dress up as is nancy sinatra. okay so i'm probably making myself even more dorky.

we listened to music tonight and it was great.
i heard words.
really heard people's words.
and i was really listened to.
i want to do that for someone tomorrow.
i like this.

tomorrow is wednesday. don't like wednesdays, but i'm thinking tomorrow will be salvagable.

Listening: Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, Blink-182

if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

2006-05-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

i am having happy days. and i like that.
there are some people who can tell when i'm faking it.
but i really haven't been faking it, i've been happy.
who knows why?
i not very sure.
anticipation? :)

is it true that there are just some things that are better left unsaid? and unknown for that matter?
ignorance can be bliss, although, perspective changes with knowledge so i guess it is a give and take type thing.
i believe i have been lacking perspective.
i've been tried and found wanting--to steal a famous line.

this weekend got me to thikning:
the lack of saying or doing things causes frustration for me and just about everybody else on the planet probably.
as does knowledge.
as does over-reaction.
as does missing.
as does knowing that you aren't someone's person--to steal from grey's
there is probably someone out there who is completely apathetic to the people around them, i'm sure, but i don't know that person. although it might be interesting to meet them.
you know, sometimes people are there for you, and sometimes you are there for them, when do you get to be "there for each other?" you probably always are really, that was a dumb question, i guess you just don't always need each other in the same way at the same time?
i don't like shallow, except in swimming pools.
comfort zones are so funny.

the grey's anatomy season finale was on tonight.
it was great. sad, but also happy, but great.
i like the monologues in grey's. they speak to me. i'm a sucker for the metaphors i guess. eh.
ironically they used the fight or flight principle.
flight is obviously the easier choice of the two, unless you get chased down, ha...but i've come to the conclusion that i fight most of the time.
i'm not a very good flee-er. but i will admit i like it that way. i like to earn things, i like to work for what i get, even though i don't have to sometimes.
i'm not very good at knowing when to quit.
speaking of sometimes: sometimes i just want to yell at people, and i don't really yell. sometimes i just want to grab them by the shoulders and look them in the eye and say whats going on. (usually while i'm driving or in line at the grocery store or walking around the mall.....haha) okay i don't want to yell at anyone, i guess i just want to feel like they are listening. really listening. and being concientious.
i hope people know i'm really listening.

i thought george was profound this evening, haha, or at least his script writers were: "just becuase you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much." he's right. sometimes you just can't. i have empathy for george or whoever wrote the script.

there i go getting in too far again, sorry. i'll stick with the short weird stories.
i'm tired of watching tv.
i just want to go sit outside and talk and sit and stand and stare.
i feel like i'm under some sort of curfew.
i think i will play golf on wednesday.

you gotta help me out

2006-05-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

short story:
today we went to mary's palateria (yum!) and then went to quizno's and we were driving back on ambler and right by fiesta foods it smells awful. drive by there, it stinks. like sewage. okay, so we are going through the light at ambler and pine and there is water all in the street. (oh yeah we had the top down on the car.)it splashes on my face and smells like sewage. i didn't get really all that much water on me, but it was the principle of the matter. yuck. but i laughed. then i found five dollars.

Listening: White Elephant, The White Stripes

all that noise

2006-05-13T00:31:00.000-07:00

i am up way later than i should be since i have to work tomorrow.
but i didn't care.
suprise visits make fridays like today awesome.
i tend to leave sticks and leaves behind on my floor--they get stuck on the bottom of my jeans at work.
today work kind of drove me nutso, thank goodness for brooke.
i am bouncing off the walls.
some guy spent $200 on his girlfriend's birthday today. he was super funny, but in a ridiculous way.

"we're too excited to sleep!!"

riot in the streets

2006-05-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

so pre-mother's day stuff is going on at work, and it is nutso. not as nutso as valentine's day, but still kinda crazy. i was at work until 11:15-ish tonight. thats a freaking long workday. and i have come to the (not so startling) conclusion that chuck taylors don't necessarily provide the best arch support for 16 hours on your feet. if you recall daffney from valentine's day posts, she is working right now too, and she is so funny. she is nothing but fresh air, and constantly makes me laugh. i love it.

i've decided i'm experiencing some sort of eomtional purge or something. like letting the bad air out. fung shui-ing (i know thats not spelled right, but i don't feel like google-ing right now) my spirit or something like that. or maybe this is just my inner-emo coming out to torture everyone i know. :) but seriously, this week has really been better than the past few. i've done many things out of the ordinary for me. and i'm getting my silly back i think. funks are so weird, they make your silly go away, and this one has taken awhile to shake, but i will have to be like jay-z and just shake them haters. or something like that. meanwhile we listen to the "disco and 80s" station at work and thats nothing but good times with abba, weird star wars medleys, michael jackson (you know which song i'm talking about), blondie, etc, etc. mostly people are like "how do you know these songs?"

so with that in mind here is the (i'm so sure) second installment of things that i like:
soy milk (new addition)
shoes
cheese sticks from denny's
facials
breezes
hats
naps (i know that was on the last list, but come on, i love them)
smiling
lamps
chair and a halfs plus the ottomans that go with them
vanilla milkshakes
lemonade
costa rica
sharpies of any color and writing in them all the time
arranging flowers (i did 3 $50 arrangements tonight...cool huh?)
details
kisses
dresses
counting down
birthdays
soft pretzels
big sunglasses
hugs
staying up late
cleaning (but not my own space, other peoples' spaces...weird, i know)
looking people in the eye
writing
listening (moreso than talking)
feeling excitement and happiness for other people
shampoo
the book i like you by sandol stoddard warburg
key lime pie
hanging things on walls
sno cones
cokes
stars
rearranging furniture

oh man. what a list. well, there you go. tomorrow is "the day before morther's day" since we aren't open on sunday. so it will be interesting to see how busy it is. i'm sleeeeeeepy. today was long.

2006-05-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

fight or flee.
which should i choose?
probably neither.
always reliable.
i not very sure.

Listening: The Cure

come down flying low for me

2006-05-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

weeeeeeeelllllllll.
i'm pretty boring today, nothing new to report.
although i realized that i do get excited about the stupidest stuff, stuff i probably have absolutely no reason to be excited about. but i get excited anyways, well okay, maybe silly (in a happy way) is a better word.
i have come to have a love-hate relationship with the silliness. mostly love, but a little hate, for the simple fact that i'm not sure if i'm allowed to be silly.
well okay, so i'm allowed, if you want to be technical, i'm allowed to do whatever i suppose, BUT i just hate being silly about things unnecessarily, becuase then you feel totally lame when you realize or when you are told that you were silly unnecessarily.
who even knows what i'm talking about at this point??? i'm not sure i even follow myself....ha.

OH! finished the first season of 24 today!! jack is just about the coolest ever. the wives (the ones that i said kind of sucked in Friday's post) well, they totally got the boot in the season finale. one is possibly dead, so i guess i shouldn't be too "excited" about that, but she was starting to drive me crazy, and sherry "the manipulator" palmer got served (divorce papers, well not yet, but close enough). i sure hope someone out there laughed at my stupid joke. but needless to say, i'm more than ready for season two. although, jack cried excessively in the final episode, which is alright i guess becuase according to my sources, his tears cure cancer, but i expected more (or less?) from ctu's resident bad-a.

TEN DAYS.

random questions, are just that: random. and i think "what is the purpose of you asking me that?" that happened to me a few times today, in random places, like wal-mart. WHAT? who are these people??? anyways, questions that solicit the blank stare response. or the blank stare, then goofy smile, what the heck response. thats more what i give.

i'm liking some things. still sort of wading in slowly. i realized that i try to play it joe cool, but i'm not really. i'm learning some things too. like how to bite my tongue, self-control, patience. it is good for me. i've had happy days.

i used the turn of phrase today "i'm on the bench." i think its funny, even though its not really that accurate. i mean sometimes yeah, but eh, not so much right now, or really ever. as much as i would like to think that i'm sitting on the bench just chillin, watching things go by, trying to avoid getting slammed with some sort of sporting good, but i think i get too bored. another thing i'm learning: how to be proactive instead of reactive. granted there is a time and place for both, but i think i've needed to work on the proactivity.

and (this is the last thing, then i'm done for the day) i did some job stuff today. i looked at pr jobs and got this sick feeling in my stomach. i saw myself sitting in an office going through spreadsheets, talking promotions, doing marketing plans, talking target markets, projecting outcomes and i wanted to hurl. i don't think the agency life is for me, but maybe i can find a great fit out there with an agency. i don't know, i'll talk about this some other time. but i felt i needed to share that reaction. :)

i'm liking this whole out-of-the-funk-happy-mood stuff.

yesterday i felt a little like a fish. bass, like the fish.

Listening: Elizabethtown, soundtrack

i'm in over my head

2006-05-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

nice outside, yup.
super nice.
watching taped desperate housewives and grey's anatomy. (whew, i missed last week!)
rearranged my furniture yesterday and tried to severely clean.
the kitchen, "dining room," and living room are alright, buuuuut my room looks like a bomb went off.
yiiiiiiikes.
tomorrow is monday. whoo hoo.
i've gots stuff to do.
it seemed like nearly everything i heard today i could relate to some aspect of my life...you know like random songs, little cliche sayings...it feels like sometimes those things just click for some wierd reason.
aaaaaaand, i love me some baseball, but i doooo like the gatorade commerical that uses "take me out to the ballgame" for soccer; tagline "the new ballgame."
ummmm, what else?
not much.
i've worked through some stuff, that's good.
still have some things to work on, and that's okay too.
11 freaking days, that's awesome.
i feel like i have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks.
i sure hope so at least.
life is developing at a dizzying pace. well sort of. but i think i'm always dizzy.
if i can keep this attitude life will be great.
but like it says, i'm in way over my head, and i know it.
although honestly, i kind of like it that way.
i like a little silly, and thats how being in over my head makes me feel.
i've had some weird stuff go through my head.
but thats okay.
i had one of those funny experiences when people are asking you questions that you really don't want to answer, and you feel totally shady giving the answers you give......ha. so weird, i just tried to skirt around the subject as much as possible.
i also think reactions are funny. i've gotten some reactions lately that have been completely unexpected. the kind that make you say "........" or something like that. that doesn't make much sense. sorry.
hmmm. yup.

i must have been asleep for days

2006-05-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day. I liked it. It gets best all-around, well until I have another good day. Hang on until the end of this play-by-play and you'll heard about my really really scary experience last night.

Friday started off kind of squirrely, with the maintence guys coming to fix my shower drain (SICK) at 8:30 a.m. and not finishing until 1:30 p.m. Yeah. So I borrowed AK's shower yesterday morning (thanks again) and slept intermittenly while I waited. Ran a few errands--got a Yankee Candle housewarmer thingy, one that plugs in to the wall, becuase I felt like my house smelled like sewage. Now it probably smells like sewage and "home sweet home," but at least the smell is improving. I'll just open all the windows. Maybe that will help?

As for the rest of my day, I watched 24 (disc six of season one, yeah it is taking us awhile, we do what we can, but it is okay becuase I am in good company), and I love it. Jack Bauer and David Palmer are super cool, but the wives on the show kind of suck. Well okay, maybe suck is harsh, but they are pretty crazy. Only two episodes left in season one! I can't wait for season two, I've been told it just gets better and better. I can't imgaine what is in store. Although if it keeps taking a month to get through a season I won't be caught up until September.

I talked to some friends on the phone yesterday! TWELVE DAYS.

Ohhhh, heres the sort of exciting part about last night. I went and saw Mission Impossible: 3, which was action from beginning to end. No stopping. I was kind of tired when it was over, but I really liked it. But so it had been storming really bad, lots of wind, lightning, you get the picture. So we are driving back, Brian, Kevin and I, (Brian is driving, I'm in the passenger seat) and we turn from the loop onto EN10th, the two-lane part that is really bumpy and stuff, and see the cars in front of us slowing down and we see flashing lights from a firetruck. There is a guy standing on the side of the road with his cell phone and firemen out everywhere, so we assume it was an accident, but they are waving people through pretty quickly. So we keep going and as we get closer we see that it is a downed powerline, not a wreck. The firetruck was parked just in front of the powerline, and we are waved through. As we are driving past the power line, it sparks, goes "zzzzzzzzzt" and I see all this bright light outside my window incredibly close to Brian's car. Um scary. I'm pretty sure I screamed and was halfway across the console, and Brain keeps driving and we were all like "uhhhhhhh" and kind of laughed it off a little, then it starts smelling like burned something and I see the panicked look on the next fireman's face as he waved us through frantically and realized that was actually really serious. It was scary. Really scary. But we are okay and Brian's car is okay, but it was just scary. Then after they dropped me off, I had visions of Final Destination when they are avoiding that loose power line.

So theres my story. I've been totally lazy so far today, but I don't mind that too much. I got some very restful sleep, it was much needed. I'm ready for more days like Friday, only minus the near-electrocution.

I wish we could play today. Maybe later.

Watching: The Firm, good book, good movie.

you threw a chair right upside my head

2006-05-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

the past two days:
gorgeous days, beautiful nights
sun, thunder, lightning, rain!
last week it rained when the sun was out, i love love love that. so much. i thought of costa rica. i like watching the rain fall when the sun is out. it melts my heart, and regardless of anything else going on gives me this crazy happy feeling. love it man, love it. (i'm such a cheeseball)

i played disc golf on wednesday. i was terrible, i mean bad. but it was still fun. i don't quite have the approach down, mine consists of strolling to the edge of the tee box and throwing the disc. described as a bit nonchalant and prissy. but i'm going to work on it so i can kick some serious tail. seriously, i'm going to tear it up. i'm ready for another try.

today was totally random and weeeeeeird. . yeesh. it was funny though. i feel a little mean for saying that it was "weeeeeeeird" but it was. gone most of the afternoon, but theres a totally cool harley-davidson exhibit at the grace. mize: i think it will still be here when you get here, so we will go, even if we have to take a stealth mission in the night. you will see this awesome collection. there is also a "history of baseball in abilene" exhibit that fun too.
"my firm has tickets to the Met."
"i love baseball!!"

thats all. maalox has become a major food group me, joining the ranks of soy milk and soup. man i'm in LOVE with the beige diet.

Listening: Gold, Ryan Adams

stab my back

2006-05-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

despite the omnious entry title, i'm really fairly optimistic about things right now.
i took a "getaway" and i feel better.
for the most part.
went to the planetarium this evening, that was silly and fun. it was more on a 4th grade education level, but i thought it was cool anyways.
crazy storm tonight. amazing though. great to watch. everything about it was pretty dang cool.

you know when you get that funny feeling that people just aren't being straight with you?
maybe for "good" reasons, maybe for reasons you'll understand later, but that doesn't make that weird feeling any easier. it is still just as unsettling.
part of me is still screaming "tell me the whole truth."
the rest of me is whispering "nobody has to actually do that."

i have decided after talking to a friend of mine, that the worst feeling i could experience right now (right now at this point in my life this feeling is the hardest to experience) is the feeling of being replaced.
the feeling of being disposable.
that feeling is completely and totally awful.
i have a little inkling of that.
i sure hope i don't make anyone feel that way.
booooooooo to that.

do you ever think "you are completely and totally missing the point?" or "i am completely and totally missing the point?" yeah, me too.

unfortunately i don't have work this week.
therefore my already overly actively imagination will want to go crazy.
i can't let it.
help keep me busy, okay? please?

that is all. i promise to deliver something more mundane next time.

no no no no, don't lie

2006-05-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

what a day. or half a day since i slept part of it away.
last night was dinner at the church for the graduating seniors, (my sister). there was a slideshow and it was funny to see some of the pictures of my sister that i hadn't seen in forever. i was in there a few times with her, man i miss those huge glasses, my perm, and that awesome retainer.....
oh and i decided that if i don't find a job my sister and i will take our tap shoes and hit the road, like the andrews sisters, only we'll be sisters from andrews....

i got really sick last night. NOT pleasant. i took some phenergen to keep me from getting sick again and it knocked me out, but i woke up with one of those medicine hangovers.

lying sucks (i'm sooooo verbose huh?). and we are all guilty i believe.
although, i guess there is a chance of someone out there living who has never told anything even closely resembling a lie.
is not telling the whole truth a lie too? i mean not telling everything?
we talked about the nature of "lying" in the linguistics class i took last year, and "what is a lie?" was the topic for discussion one day.
interesting to hear what people had to say about what exactly defines a lie, and the difference between that and an "untruth" or simply being "mislead."
we talked about this for 45 minutes at least, no joke.
i am incredibly trusting, so when it comes around (which it nearly always does, i mean come on, it does) that someone has lied, it huuuuuuuuuurts.
i want to trust, i hate feeling jaded in that sense.
it hurts worse when they lie to your face, becuase they looked you in the eye. (eye contact=huge for me)
especially when they expect you to trust them and want you to trust them.
but how in the world can you trust them if you know they are lying?
even worse when you know they are lying and they know they are lying, but they don't know you know they are lying.
ewwwwwwww.
not cool man, not cool.

i've had a few experiences with this, they are always unpleasant.
even though i'm really trusting, i have found myself sussing out lies pretty easily.
even worse, i'm one of those people that will ask you about it or i will choose not to say anything at all.
either way is messy, but turns out okay.
always guaranteed to be painful though.
i just like honesty and forthrightness, becuase that is what i try to give, thats what i want to give.
when push comes to shove, i would just like for people to try the same in return.
i was listening to the black-eyed peas and they sing about lying so i thought i'd write about it.

i feel a second installment of "what i like" coming on soon. anyways, mi casita for dinner tonight. then just ratting around, what i freaking do best.
lets have a dance party.

p.s. anyone want to help me rearrange furniture?????

Watching: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

i am ready

2006-04-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

i'm at square one.
starting over.
i miss my friends.
this week has completely broken me down, not even in the obvious ways.
i've been made aware of so many things.
i've always had so much direction in my life, but i feel so spacey right now and that drives me bananas.
but i feel selfish.

i'm giving up control.
i've been fighting it, but its time. way past time.

i aim to please, but i can't do that, i know i can't, so why do i try so hard?
because thats who i am, thats what i like doing, i love seeing people happy, even if it is at my own expense.
i should stop worrying about that so much probably.
i'm tired of not living.

i am who i am.
i think too much, i say sarcastic things even though i'm pretty sensitive, i need my independence and my space and my time by myself, but i need other people in my life to make it full, i love laughing and i love stupid jokes, i love you and you and you and you and me, lip gloss and teddy bears are my secret loves, i hate feeling insecure, but i need affirmation just like anybody else. i want to rely on myself less and God more. i love being alone but i hate feeling lonely, i love the person who can silently keep me company; i hate it when things get to me and make me heartsick; i love when people tell me they care so much about me, and i love telling people how much i care about them, but i hate letting them down. i also love when i know that people care about me, and they don't even have to say anything. i can take care of myself, but i need steady support. i tend to take the high road even when my whole self wants to take the other one...i like taking leaps of faith, and i like trying new things. i want people to know how deeply i care, and i know i don't say it enough, but i do, truly. i like to pretend i have it all together, but i am a complete and total and utter mess, about practically everything.

so its 12:40 a.m. on friday night/saturday morning and i am ready. thank you and goodnight.

p.s. global night commute tomorrow night (saturday), you should sign up at www.invisible children.com, really unique way to raise awareness.

Listening: to the deafening silence

if i could find you now

2006-04-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

so i think too much.
i know. sorry.

so today. oh today, what a wednesday. love-hate relationship. but its over now so i can love again.
i peeled myself out of my bed this morning, oh how i did NOT want to get up and face the day.
i was completely and wholly against it.
but my day was fine really.
started out a little meager, but i read some james, 1 peter, some hebrews and just tried to focus.
i went to the acu library today, took my computer and looked for jobs.
i needed a change of scenery, it is so fancy in there now, and i think my apartment is depressing me.
maybe i should rearrange furniture. or something. or just get out more.
i will get out tomorrow too, don't know where, but i will find some place.

i'm fine. really, thanks for asking. (this is you and me talking, whoever you are).
today was fine. i hope your day was great.

so i'm trying to do some understanding. some accepting. some unselfish thinking.
i think it is working. i want it to. so badly.
i never meant to be selfish.

also, something came to mind today. God's role in my life...yes we all know i have some sort of complex, i wouldn't say i exactly have control issues becuase usually i feel out of control. either way. here's what i'm thinking: sometimes it seems like we, (or maybe just i, i will use i) know we need to listen to God, know we need to seek help, know thats what we want to do, know thats what we need to do. so we try, right? we try really really hard...now, isn't it possible to try too hard? (kind of the way i think too much???) we mean so well right? we are listening so hard for what God has to say to us, and thinking about it and looking for it, but God does not always hit us in the face with a 2 x 4. at least not in my experience, sometimes yes, it is dead obvious, but others, eh. so can we be thinking so hard and trying so hard to have our hearts and minds in the right place that we totally miss the proverbial 2 x 4. 0r we get hit with it and we just think that can't possibly be it, thats too obvious? or sometimes its just a quieter answer maybe? not even a 2 x 4, but we are too busy thinking about listening for God that we miss it? i mean what if it is sitting right there in front of us and we are too busy thinking about other aspects of the situation and too busy worrying about waiting and hearing that we miss it? i don't want to miss it. how frustrating. i have faith, i do. it is such a fine line for me. a huge tension in my life right now. tension like my need and want to make a change and make a difference, but my continual frustration with myself for my lack of action and lack of direction, but right now i guess i should be satisfied with the desire, the opportunity will come, yes?

i feel like there are many things hanging in the balance right now. that is what is making everything a little more difficult for me i believe. i know it will ease up. i just hate thinking that i'm missing it.

i don't know. just some things i've been tossing around for a little while. i don't know if that makes sense, and i know it isn't perfect, but i hope someboday maybe gets it. i'm all about editing when new thoughts come along.

overall it was a good night. i was slightly disappointed, but not suprised about some things, but had some suprising entertainment in the form of the sweetest 9th grade girls--i went to a "d-group" that a friend of mine leads. it was their "hangout night" which was just what i needed. (i guess you're just what i needed...please sing that) it was so funny, they were so great. then i chit chatted with the friend and her husband for awhile. it was good.

it can only be as strong as its weakest part--i don't think i fully appreciated that until this evening.

can't see tomorrow with yesterday's eyes

2006-04-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

okay.
i don't know.
i just don't know.
things are sort of okay on the outside.
but i'm feeling like i'm fooling myself on the inside.
its not that big of a deal right?
not that much has changed.
just maybe the motivation? but i'm not sure that has even changed....simply the exectution.
but i'm not for sure on that.
i'm constantly exhausted.
i don't want to be.
there are things i want, and things that i don't.
i'm working through it. with some help.
just gotta keep working through some things.
yeah. keep on truckin.
i have things to say, but not here. nope.
i like people better than computers anyways. they are nicer.
less crunchy....
they hug back.

Reading: Job posts. yeeeeeaaaaah.

can't tell the truth in a house of lies

2006-04-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today has been ALLLLLLLLL over the place.
But I'm thinking it is okay. Or at least it will be okay at some point. I think we are going to just be.

Here is what I think:
Today I felt so incredibly lost. I thought I had some things figured out, and what I had figured out hasn't changed, but the capacity in which those things are applied is just taking a little tweaking. Sigh. Emotionally strung out. This week has been trying on my spirit. I have felt excited, deprived, sad, happy, needed, completely unwanted, silly, content, uncomfortable, and just plain weird. I have seen potential for great things, and oddly enough I don't think that has gone away. Maybe that is a bold statement, and not everyone will understand how to take that, but just ask me if you want to know, okay? For some reason I was really popular tonight, I got a lot of phone calls. People checking on me, I have friends who care. Couldn't ask for more really. Today I've done a lot of thinking about letting God do his thing in my life and what that means for me personally. Timing is pretty crucial, huh? Things are going on that I don't understand, but I don't have to. I want to just be, I want to just smile, and I want to just see what will happen. Lets do that. Why do people choose to hold on with such veracity? I mean when everything is telling them to let go and they just can't seem to shake it for some reason, something keeps them there, something makes them want to stay involved anyway they can. Sometimes I wish I understood why, but I think if we put our trust in the right place we will end up in the right place. Maybe we hold on to things not only becuase we want to but becuase we feel like that is where we are being put. I mean why else would we hold on? (that was a big random mess of thought vomit...excuse it if it doesn't make sense) I thought today was going to end with some more tears, and there have been plenty of those today, but I got some reassurance. From unexpected places, from sort of unexpected people. Pleasant suprises are so great. I think it was good. Thank you. Thank me. Ha. Back to the basics. Like I said a few weeks ago, we gotta go back to the basics. Keep it simple. Keep it light. Just keep caring, please.

So there are a few things. Also, took the post-GRE-prep-course practice test tonight and got a great math score. I was SO excited. Dear Andrea Kelley made me Death by Chocolate Explosion, and I binged. Funny how things like that can help. My brain is fried. Yeck.

Thats all I feel I can say right now. That is all.

Oh and a Happy Birthday to Camille and Rosalyn Perry!

"What does it matter what anybody thinks? Most people don't think."--Wonderboys

Watching: I wish I was watching 24.

give a little bit

2006-04-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

so i slept on it.
i am done.
i'm tired of feeling like people are faking "it" (whatever "it" is).
i don't want to feel like a second choice or a charity case.
i want it to be fun.
i like smiling.
i do not like feeling like i'm giving myself to something and then feeling or realizing that people are just taking and taking and not giving anything in return.
i also hate it when i realize that i've been the taker.
"it" can't just be (whatever "it" is).
but communication is so important isn't it?
i'm confused. yikes.
it makes you feel like you are wrong for feeling the way you do.
the worst is when you feel like you are convincing people, it makes you feel that it isn't genuine, that it isn't sincere, that it has lost its innocence.
it makes my stomach turn.
trust is a fierce animal.
i have got to get out of here.
yup.
i am done.
there are some things that i would love to adjust, love to change, love to get my foot in the door again, say how about my spiritual life....thats a huge one i've been thinking about a lot lately.
now, interesting thought for me is the fact that yes, it is something i can work on all by myself, but it is always good to have encouragement from people around you, the great thing is i don't have to do it alone, there are other people out there wanting the same thing (not exactly i'm sure, but you all know what i'm saying) and guess what, it can be mutually beneficial.
man, oh man, if i was 6 again.
my prayer for the day is patience. patience, discernment, a clear head and recognition that i need a little bit of help with this life.
sometimes i forget that.
i'm not needing to make any earth-shattering decisions today, but i would like to approach several different areas of my life with a certain sensitivity.
whatever happened to just living it all?
can i please do something right? and feel like i'm doing something right? instead of feeling like i'm doing everything completely wrong?
i'm not liking theses realizations i've been having, they are blindsiding me, which is ridiculous becuase i should have seen them all coming too.
ug, everything is NOT that big of a deal. ITS NOT.

*i just had to get that out of my system is all. no rhyme, no reason, just had to purge. and i think writing down things i need to work on holds me more accountable. so there you go, monday's list of personal improvements to be made. getting them out of my system this way helps me feel like i don't have to roll them around in my head all day. its really nice outside and i am going to appreciate that. like i said. i'm done.*

could we take a walk?

2006-04-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

So I didn't really eat anything but lunch today so I was super hungry a little bit ago. I decided to eat some tuna, garlic and herb flavored. When I was putting it on the plate I guess I dripped some tuna juice on my foot, so not only do I have rank breath (garlic and herb tuna, really??), but I am pretty sure that I smell of tuna, even though I washed my foot off. Yikes. I have not been feeling well the past week or so. I'm trying so much herbal tea to help chill. I'll let you know how it goes.

Today was Camille and Marcos' Abilene wedding shower and it was so fun to see them and everyone who was there to support them. Both of their families have been in Abilene for so long and have so many close friends here who you can tell are just so happy for them. It was great.

I guess I haven't said anything since Friday afternoon, whoa, what is the world coming to?? Anyways, not a whole lot happened, I kind of feel weirdo, but I'm hoping it will go away soon and I will just be happy again. Maybe me not feeling good has something to do with my overall mood being weirdo too.

There is a lot going on. Not necessarily in the superficial sense, as in stuff to do, it just seems like there is a lot for me to take in right now. Just trying to figure out where I fit in. If I fit in. If I can fit in. If I'm wanted to fit in. I feel the need for some general reassurance. It would make me feel more comfortable, though, but I know we can only ask for so much, and we can only give so much, and there has to be a point where we realize that we are giving all that we can give and that the "other" is giving all they can give at that point. I need a lot less than people think, it is the little things that matter. I love the little things. Baby steps.

I just want so badly to be comfortable, I mean within reason. Comfortable within the realm of what is realistic. I guess I would just prefer feelings of reassurance over those of constant uncertainity (who wouldn't???), and maybe that is just a personal issue. It is more than possible that I have no reason to feel uncertain. There is no exact way things should happen or exact way things should go, and I know that, and I'm okay with that, I really really am. It may boil down to the age old need to feel needed and wanted, in so many different capacities, not just the obvious.

I just hate having to feel like I need to dull my feelings, or ignore them, or that I even have to think about them within certain perameters instead of just feeeeeeeeling them. That is the funny thing about feelings, they seem to lose their innocence when you have to think about them too much. Maybe I'm the one with the romanticized view of things. That may make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Ha. Sorry. I would like for things to be siiiiimple.

Ohhhhh weeeellllll. I know it will be "okay," it is just getting to that point. It all comes out in the wash. I really don't feel that badly, I was good to go for awhile and so when things got shaken up I said "ACK!" Overall things are good. Things in life are new and exciting right now and that is fun and scary and cool and funny and silly and ridiculous and happy and worriesome and great all in one fail swoop! (Imagine me smiling, cause it is oooooookay). Monday is tomorrow, a new day!!! I am thankful for new days. I am glad we are given new days. Things to do, I will do things and it will be good. Last GRE prep class too. All we have to do is a practice test, so that means I get out early!!!

Watching: Stepmom

the only thing i'm guilty of

2006-04-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

gag.
seriously??
you've got to be kidding me.
wow.
vomit.
geez.
WHAT?
stop.
i can't believe this.
ugh.
barf.
get a grip.
bench me.
you're joking right?

i felt the need to share these exclamatory remarks, in a g-rated fashion. eh. didn't really have anything else to share. no funny stories, no lovely anecdotes, no emotional tirades, just whatever. pardon the excessive use of "upchuck" type words, but i think throw up words are kind of funny. bleh. thats me, bleh. i'm going to eat a sandwich now. I want to go to Chameleon this weekend, I know it will make me miss my dancing days. I need to cut a good rug.

Listening: Middle School Mania--personal mix (its pretty awesome: Mariah, Dream, BSB, J. Simp.....)

hey there lonely girl

2006-04-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Could I please be a little more all over the place? And maybe I could avoid questions a little more too...I'm not sure I'm doing that enough as it is. Whatever. I'm being vague again, for absolutely no reason, besides the fact that I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I don't mean to be grumpy, really I don't. I'm trying to be good at this really, I am.

Ew, vomit. That is kind of what I have felt like doing ALLLLL day today. Make it stop.

I think I am just needing some reassurance. Or something. Just needing some reassurance that I'm doing okay. I also need a blueberry muffin. Lucky for me I made some last night.

Sometimes we just need a little extra love I think.

I don't know what to say besides the obvious. Yes, the obvious. But apparently I'm the only person who knows what "the obvious" is. Man oh man.

Also, it has been really wet outside becuase of the rain (duh) and I was leaving a parking lot tonight and my tires spun a little I think and I hope no one thought I was trying to be uber cool and speed out of the parking lot. I'm pretty sure that would make me anything BUT uber cool. EW. yikes.

Oh and I'm pretty sure I want to sign up for the Invisible Children Global Night Commute. I think it sounds awesome. I'll let you know when I do so you can look up info about it too.

Cohen: "This is about the girl."

Reading: Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes

i get kind of hectic inside

2006-04-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Um whoa.

Some things on my brain: I'm on an emotional see-saw, but right now I'm on the upside, so I'd be okay with whoever is on the other end just not pushing off the ground. Okay thanks. I think I teetered to the middle a couple of times today, but I'm repeating my "chill out" "just ease on down the road" mantra and I think it is helping. Next, today was alright, I mean it was a Wednesday (cue scary music) but really pretty good.

Here is my theory on productivity during the day. I spend time alone right? We all know this. Well, on days that I don't have work, I am at home alone and I am trying not to spend money just driving around or shopping frivolously, so that limits my hobbies for the daylight hours. So the later I stay up in the evening, the longer I sleep in the morning, therefore minimizing the daylight hours for me to be alone looking for things to do. Thus, the reason behind my night-owl tendancies. It makes total sense right? Yeah, don't answer that.

Next for today, I cleaned my bathroom, cleaned my kitchen, vacuumed and did laundry. Oh and went running. Then I ate leftovers and watched Amazing Race 9, I will be on Amazing Race someday, mark my words. Watched lightning, and made muffins (there goes the clean kitchen). Making muffins proved to be more difficult than I expected seeing as how I appreantly don't have a mixing bowl of any sort, so I had to stir the batter in a pot. I felt like I was making blueberry stew or something. By the way, where is the jelly aisle at the store? I looked EVERYWHERE. Killing me.

I had a happy night. I like it when things make me happy. Little things, not even the things you expect. It is great. It makes my smile stick. Okay so, sometimes I feel ridiculous for letting myself get silly, but I haven't been caring. Maybe its the springtime. Everybody gets a little silly in the springtime. Urg, but I am afraid to get caught up. But part of me wants to. Really. And part of me already has. Geez. You know when you just grin and it is great, and yeah its just great. Okay, I'm done, I could keep going, but I'm going to be done. I will just tell people about it in person, it is more fun to talk about. Just imagine me smiling.

So I'm really serious about this puppy thing, although I'm pretty sure the apartments here don't allow pets, that doesn't mean I can't look for when I move right? I've decided that wheaton (thats what they call the white ones) scottie dogs are toooo cute. I've always liked scottie dogs, ever since I saw Lady and the Tramp when I was little. But I don't know. Westies are adorable too. Okay, so I just love animals. I need a furry, four-legged companion to sit with me and who will love me despite my nuttiness.

This was ALL over the place sorry, its the endorphines. Or the blueberry muffins. I am loving listening to the rain. I may put the movie on mute and just lay on the couch and listen.

Watching: Must Love Dogs

come on get happy

2006-04-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

thank you partridge family. in light of the serious posts i decided on my "personal day" to list some things that i enjoy doing, experiencing, etc. most of you probably know most of these things already, but maybe there will be a suprise somewhere along the way. none of this is meant to be cheesy, but we all know i'm a little cheesy sometimes, so i hope you can grin and bear it.

sun
late night movies (currently watching must love dogs)
laying out in the sun
swimming pools
nice days where you roll down your windows and listen to music and feel cool
beaches
sunglasses
costa rica
puppies/dogs (i have been wanting one soooo badly lately!! maybe soon?)
special k red berries (currently ingesting this)
looking at the moon and the stars
teddy bears
pedicures
cameras and using them
tap dancing, or any kind of dancing for that matter
lip gloss (my favorite is lost and i'm really not happy about that)
hugs
kisses
witty banter
bad jokes--the kinds i make, terrible, just make you roll your eyes
flowers, right now i think tulips are adorable--specifically parrot tulips, and there is always the classic rose...just not red (if red then black magic) but i'm loving the orange ones right now, lilies, anything tropical
books
cuddling (i told you it was cheesy, but i can't help it! who doesn't like that anyways??)
rolling stone
naps
fruit, pretty much anything that tastes like fruit
shopping--malls, or the kind where you get to walk outside in between stores and little shops, so great
chips and salsa
flowy dresses
rain and walking in it
singing in the car, dancing in the car is pretty great too
shoes
smiles and looks
cute skirts
wearing perfume
smelling cologne
cards, sending and recieving
buying little gifts for people
smoothies
parks

okay that list is long enough for now. hope you enjoyed it as much as i do. tomorrow is wednesday. erg, it'll be good though right? make it a good one.

chasing our tails

2006-04-18T01:24:00.000-07:00

monday. what a day. oh yeah, so i was so caught up in my emotional whatever that i forgot to share with you the petty details of my weekend. lets see how much i can get through, when i get all emotional and stuff i tend to forget the regular old day stuff. here we go. friday was a day off so i chilled, it was nice. i took it easy and that was good. did some returning, some exchanging, etc, etc. saturday i slept in a bit and tried to pick up the clutter than managed to accumulate in my home. eh. then i went to the second installment of silence sessions featuring homer hiccolm and the rocketboys. i rather enjoyed it. it was an hour of good music in a dark room. the rest of the day was spent in some sort of sleepy, emotionally charged fog. sunday, you've heard about and today was a monday. i did some stuff. not enough probably. and i'm still awake at 3:30 a.m., for who knows why (besides talking to mize), and thinking about how i should probably go to bed. "the scientist," coldplay, was just on nocturnal state. interesting. now we've got "cold december," matt costa. today i recognized the fact that i enjoy wearing sweatpants and shorts and tshirts. i would like to live in them. i think someone should help me find a job wear i can wear awesome stuff like that everyday. as much as i enjoy dressing up, it is a lot of work, and it is always a relief to put on your "home" clothes. hm. i'm talking about absolutely nothing, but that is kind of nice for me right now. "upside down," jack johnson. i love this song. it makes me happy. but it also makes me miss things. "high and dry," radiohead. vh1 is doing a bang up job tonight. gre prep was boring tonight, but helpful still. okay i'm done, i'm fresh talked out. i'm just beat, emotionally strung out, just full and empty and everything in between and totally needing to just chill out. that is my goal for tomorrow. i'm taking some time for me, and trying to chill out. check back and see how it went.

breathe

2006-04-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

When it rains, it pours. That couldn't be more true for me right now. I haven't felt this overwhelmed in a long long time. It is making me tired and sick and I'm pretty sure it is making me no fun. I don't mean to make light of the situation, becuase it isn't light.
What's on my mind/heart:
1) i am not trying to worry or think more than necessary
2) i have more than just me to think about here, so that is why it isn't as light
3) truly caring for someone is a big deal
4) my brain hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, i'm numb, but i still feel so much
5) i'm praying hard about this, i know i need to listen...
6) i don't have answers, i'm sorry, i don't
7) tonight i said "i don't know" and i'm pretty sure that is the only time i have TRULY meant it other than in math class when i was totally clueless; i mean i honestly had NO idea, none
8) i hate hurt and disappointment, and i hate causing it, and i hate the way it makes me feel, and i don't want to make others feel that way. right now i feel like that is the only potential result on all sides
9) i'm terrified. completely and totally terrified.
10) i have had some intense conversations, and it has been trying for me, i feel so concerned, but i wish that it was just simple, no pressure, just easing into things
11) i don't like not being trusted, i don't like it when people are skeptical of me and my intentions and my motivations
12) i don't understand how to help people understand that i don't have the master plan for my life in my head, i have some ideas of what i feel like i need and want, but nothing is set in stone; it seems there are some things that you just don't know how they will turn out, when they will turn out, what will ultimately happen---i feel pressure to know, to give a guarantee, i don't know how to do that, am i supposed to? maybe i am?
13) i think i am searching for some contentment. with any part of my life
14) i'm tired of being in limbo

That is all I can get out of my head right now. It is spinning. I hope it all makes sense. The oven has been on for the past 30 minutes. I was going to make some cookies, but I haven't put them in to bake yet. Is there such thing as death by running? I think I tried it this evening. I went up to school to go running since it was already dark outside and the sidewalk at school is well-lit, apparently I felt the need to sprint. WHAT? I did great for about 3/4 of a mile then I was pretty sure I was going to die. My chest was tight, my throat hurt, I was ready to pass out. My thoughts: "Geez. It has been way too long since I've run...what happened??" I am watching a new show on A&E, "God or the Girl" about 4 guys across the nation who feel called to the Catholic priesthood. It is fairly interesting. I need some sleep. I need some release. I need some love. I need some serious tickles. I need my bests to come to town (31 DAYS!). That is all. I'm going to lay on the couch some more and hopefully blank out. That'll be good. I would like a puppy.

this city's made us crazy

2006-04-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter. I've had a rough start to the day. I got up in plenty of time to get ready for church and be there on time, but apparently I lost track of all of this time while in the shower becuase when I got out it was 8 minutes until church started and I would have been a good 25 minutes late. It probably shouldn't matter, I should have gone anyways, but I will do a little something for myself later on. So despite starting off on the wrong foot, hopefully today will improve?

It is gorgeous outside. I think I will go to the pool later on. Being outside in the sun always makes me feel better. I'm in a funk. It hit me last night like a ton of bricks. Which is incredibly frustrating becuase I've managed to be super-happy-Jennifer for over a month now and here come the contemplative-over-thinking-crying-sheepish-grumpy-BLAH-bricks. They are not my friends. I've been pretty good about dodging them recently, but last night I just stood there and let them hit me in the stomach. Okay enough with the metaphor, I'm sorry.

All of that to say--YUCK. Why do we have to make so many freaking decisions?? Urg. And of course I am that person who feels responsible and like I do need to make decisions and not jut let things be, so I think and I worry and I make myself sick over it usually. I think that means I care too much. Then there is all the other random stuff that doesn't help the self-esteem either. Ugh. Stop. I'm done wallowing. I'm going to make my bed and finish getting ready for the day, maybe that will make me feel accomplished. It is the first day of the new week, I need to make it count.

Watching: the pink flamingo wind-chime hanging from my balcony

any way you want it

2006-04-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

Erg. I have got to get myself on a regular sleep schedule so I can join the rest of the civilized world in concious work during the days instead of wandering around like a zombie. I took a huge nap late in the afternoon, so that may have something to do with the lack of zzzzz's right now. So I'm doing what I always do when I can't sleep, watch Pride and Prejudice and blog. Ha.

I've been terribly boring the past few days. Working up at school, I've been driving around giving posters to local businesses about an event that is coming up with the Philharmonic. It doesn't seem like a job that would take too terribly long, but Abilene being arranged the way it is, it takes forever to get around it seems. And I try to do the driving in a logical way, not driving back and forth across town a bazillion times, but it actually takes a long time.

I love dressing up. It is so fun. And I don't mean it in the costume party sense, although that is fun too, I mean it in the pretty dress, pretty shoes, scrub yourself kind of way. I know it is a bit petty, but there is just something about special occasions and dressing unlike you normally do that just sends a little thrill through me. Maybe it is becuase it makes you feel special. I don't know why I thought of that. Probably becuase I'm watching Pride and Prejudice and they were at a ball a few scenes ago. Who knows.

I liked today. Though the latter part was borderline unproductive, I quite enjoyed myself throughout. Before lunch I was in the car and we were driving by the fairgrounds, and what do I see, but elephants. FOUR! Apparently the circus is in town, and the elephants were out in their tent. It was so funny to see elephants standing there, but I still got really excited about it. But I was in a really good mood all day long, I don't know what has gotten into me. Maybe it was the Easter basket from my parents, but maybe something else.

Watching: Pride and Prejudice (how many times have we heard that?)

mary, mary, why you buggin?

2006-04-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm currently listening to the droning voice of my online defensive driving "instructor." It is thrilling. Really. Ugh. Only 4.5 more hours, but that is NOT happening tonight. No way man. But I'll finish tomorrow. Such a procrastinator. "Feelings and emotions can distract drivers"

So I think alot. Yeah, I know I do. And I know it isn't always good, but that's me. It is what I do. I wouldn't be anything like what I am if I hadn't always been that way. So if you like me, maybe you understand some more, if not, well, I don't know what to tell you. But I think a lot, sometimes I over-think many many things, sometimes just becuase I am bored and so I think. Sometimes so I can take as objective as a point of view as possible.

I'm so sleepy right now. I have to get up in about 3 hours. UGH. I will take a nap tomorrow probably. I love naps.

I have been feeling like I can't do anything right. I'm really not sure why I'm feeling this way, it just feels like anything I do or say or whatever isn't "right." It is disheartening really and frustrates me. I guess I will just try harder? I'm probably trying to hard already or something, but if I am I wouldn't know, all I know is I can't seem to do anything right. I'm frustrated. Some things about my days I have been enjoying, some things have been not quite as smooth.

Today was a Wednesday, and it was okay. Some good, some eh, but overall it was fine. I didn't hate it like I have Wednesdays past. I don't know man, I'm tired though.

Listening: Californication-Red Hot Chili Peppers

you can go your own way

2006-04-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

Urg. I'm tired. I'm about to go to sleep I think. But I kind of hope that I get to stay up a little later and talk to Mize. Thank goodness Vh1 picked up CBS' cancelled Love Monkey. The first three episodes aired tonight. I can't wait for more. It will be awesome.

My brain says "uhhhhhhhh." I feel like I've thought about so much the past few days. And it feels like it is the end all be all. I need to go back to the taking it easy and chilling out. Becuase then I go all super-analyzer on everyone and that can be unnnnnnpleasant. For everyone involved. I don't know. I hate being confused, I would rather things be simple and easy. I need to pray some more about my stuff. I know that will help. God's delays are not his denials. I wish I had an answer right now, for so many reasons, but I know patience is a good thing, and that I just need to give up some control (so hard for me sometimes).

I'm spent. But I LOVE water parks.

Watching: America's Best Water Parks (Schlitterbahn is the best--duh.)

i'm so enlightened i can barely survive

2006-04-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

I did a random mix of things today. I should have done more. Eh. Okay, so I had one of those headaches today that just makes you want to cry. I went to the chiropractor and it was one of those things where it had to get worse before it got better. Curling up to die would have been nicer than the headache I had today. 4 advil and 3 tylenol later, I finally felt somewhat better, but I still had headache residue.

I was reunited with my love of science museums with a trip to the planetarium today. It was awesome. I like just sitting there leaning back staring at the ceiling and feeling a little sick when the stars start spinning. Ha.

Today I found this amazing dress online (on sale) that I would really really enjoy buying and would love to wear. Alas, it says "currently unavailable." It was a little fancy, but not too much, and would just be crazy fun to wear. Babydoll and pleats and venetian lace. It is just a sweet (as in awww) dress. Maybe it will become available again? Who knows. I just know I love to look a little fancy sometimes.

I think too much. WAY too much. You should know that if you read my blog even occasionally. I'm not sure why that is. Just the way I'm wired. But I'm trying to chill out still. I mean we should all know I've come leaps and bounds from being so incredibly tightly wound. Sometimes I think so much it just weighs me down constantly and I get so incredibly frustrated when other people don't think as much as me. Which is totally unfair and I know that. I'm working on it remember? The past week and a half or so has been badadeedada. I'm still sussing things out a bit. Yeah. Eh.

The movie American Dreamz looks good I think. I would like to see it. I think it looks funny, and I hope it is a clever as it looks. Plus it is a pop culture satire and we all know how much I love that kind of stuff. What a nerd. But movies like that are hard, it seems that either they are great or they are terrible. I hope this one is great.

Watching: Vh1 and Blender's 100 Most Wanted Bodies

you are what you love, not what loves you back

2006-04-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

Well. 24 is moving along quite nicely, on disc 4 of season 1. Not too shabby, and I'm liking it more than I was at first. Okay so it is 3:35 a.m. and I have NO IDEA why I am awake. Alright, well I do a little, becuase I am talking to Ashley and there is a 2 hour time difference, but I'm not sleepy, so here I am.

Last night (Saturday) I went to a dinner at ACU at which Robin Roberts (Good Morning America) spoke. I really enjoyed it. I thought she was funny and very personable, and I also enjoyed what she had to say about putting yourself in the position for good things to happen to you. So that was good. My mom and her friend came into town for about 24 hours and that was pretty nice becuase I had a huge pile of ironing that she so graciously offered to help me with. And there is less clutter in my house now. Cool huh?

So as of right now I'm not working tomorrow, which is actually okay becuase I HAVE to take defensive driving. Erg. There go 6 hours of my life, but I will get over it I'm sure. Sonic has new peach tea and its pretty darn good. I love singing in my car.

As straightforward as I would like to be (as a general rule) I find that difficult at times. And it seems to be difficult at times when it would be most appropriate. One thing I realized is that I'm really good at thinking about what I need/want to say, BUT when it comes to the execution, I'm a little weak. I just get all tongue-tied and unbrave. Sigh. What to do but just buck up and get brave. Last week I decided to go back to the basics, and that worked pretty well for a week, I just hope I can keep it up. But not to the point of apathy. It is hard to shake the habit of over-analyzing and weirding out about life in general. I'm just awfully good at that sometimes, especially when it makes zero sense to be that way. So I'm working on it.

Remember everyone it is Peep season!!!!! Go buy some $.88 treats for yourself and someone you love. You'll be glad you did. Especially when you put them in the microwave and they get HUGE.

Watching: Vh1-Nocturnal State/Static

i'll send an s.o.s. to the world

2006-04-08T01:21:00.000-07:00

Okay well, I don't know much really. I scrubbed my bathroom tile this evening, that was kinda cool. It looks super super clean, and thats nice. Other than that, everything I have wanted to get done this week is gradually happening, although I wish it would go a little faster. Maybe it really is and i just feel like everything is dragging. Who knows anymore?? I'm sleepy. I have stayed up late too many nights this week and it is catching up with me. But tomorrow is Saturday and that means late sleeping. One thing I MUST do, is take defensive driving this weekend. Just have to get it over with. Not excited, but I'll make it through. Oh, and I started watching 24, all the way from the beginning, and I really like it. I hadn't been on the 24 bandwagon before this week, and I don't know if I qualify yet since I'm only on disc 2, but slow and steady wins the race. I'm about to pass out asleep so that'll be it for now, more to come I'm sure. I need to get outta here.

Watching: Vh1-VSpot Top 20 Countdown

hello you, hello me

2006-04-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to make one of my great lists, I like that way of talking sometimes for some reason, it keeps things simple. I'm in a great mood, so this isn't meant to be "intense" or overly brooding, so just in case you weren't going to, read it with that in mind.

my mouth still hurts, it feels swollen and i'm tired but it is not very comfortable to yawn.
restlessness hit about 11 p.m., i'm pretty sure that has something to do with the three hour nap i took when i was trying to esacpe the mouth discomfort.
i thought about calling but i did not. i did not know if it was the right time. maybe that is silly, but it is true.
tomorrow is wednesday and i'm hoping i like it okay.
i like the perfume i have on right now.
one thing about being married that i am looking forward to, whenever that happens and whoever that happens with, is grocery shopping together; i think it will be so fun to put on sweats and go to the store with you, i hope that you let me push the cart through the store becuase i love doing that, and i will stand on the cart in the parking lot and you can push me and i will fly down the aisle and hopefully not run in to any cars.
i have been on some sort of high for the past 4 days, and i hope it lasts.
puh-lease.
i am ready to just sit and watch a few movies every now and then.
being friends can be such hard work sometimes, but we have to work for the good stuff sometimes, huh? that makes it a-okay.
don't ever let the dentist use the big drill on your mouth, it will vibrate your whole head and make you feel weird the whole rest of the day.
ew.
sometimes i worry that i'm not strong enough.
i still want to dance.
the aquarium scene in romeo+juliet makes me want the secret heart jumping that comes from looks like that; those are pretty cool sometimes, i think they are a guilty pleasure for most everyone.
i don't want to feel selfish and i am trying not to do thing that will make me feel that way.
i am missing.
sometimes you just need that different kind of companionship, but it is hard to find.
i am looking for stuff. hopefully not in vain.
all i've heard for the past 2 hours is music and it has calmed by brain but stirred up my heart.
having some advice that i would love to share, but i not knowing how to share it becuase i'm not sure i'm accepted in that capacity, is weird and makes me feel a little selfish for thinking i might know how to help, but i wish i could help anyways; i like to help.
just letting go of things, sometimes that helps. i'm trying it, we can try it together.
i am terribly thankful for new friends, old friends and friends who are somewhere in the middle.
in answer to a question asked of me yesterday: i have no idea what is keeping me connected, not a clue, it is just something, and maybe it will be made obvious to me that i should just let it go, but you know i fight that so until then, i'm hanging on and hanging out, even though sometimes it is confusing and hurts and sometimes seems like it isn't fulfilling in any capacity, there is something to be said for sticking it out.
maybe i should just let go of it, but honestly, i don't worry about it like i used to, i feel more content about it and have for awhile, and i would just like for the contentment to manifest itself and allow things to be just plain awesome.
something said to me on saturday scared me, reached inside me and ripped my heart out, but the same thing took my little heart and consoled it; it was the strangest and most unnvering feeling, i'm sorry i can't think of any other way to share it.
i want things to feel surreal again.
as much as i know what you mean, and as much as i agree, part of me thinks/wants differently, and not super differently, just barely differently.
i have realized there is something to be said for giving in to something a little bit, even though you might think you aren't ready; i wish it was that easy, but i of all people know it isn't.
i would like for someone to tell me when i'm supposed to know that i'm "ready" for things; it would be incredibly helpful. :)

I have yet to figure out why saying things in little spurts makes it seem easier. Maybe just because I get to talk in incomplete sentences and use improper punction (ooohhhh, I'm really letting loose, watch out!). I really don't feel that all deep-and-tortured-soul right now, but just didn't want to feel shallow. You know how I don't like shallow. Ha. Being so happy the last few days (from whatever source) has been great, I want to share it with you! It is late and I have laundry to do in the morning. Ewwwww. So happy Tuesday night and Wednesday, tomorrow we'll talk about Wednesdays.

Loving things, but hating the swollen mouth.

Watching: Romeo+Juliet

i'm going to find out just how boring i am

2006-04-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

The right side of my face is numb, but not the whole thing, oh no, the part I can feel hurts. I had a cavity filled this morning that was apparently larger than it looked from the surface. Sort of like an iceburg. NOT pleasant. I'm a little grumpy about it. Boooooooooo. That's what I have to say about gross cavities. The dentist spent like 30 minutes drilling, used 3 different drills and then just dug at it for awhile too. Sick. I know. During the middle of the drilling it starting hurting and I guess I made a face becuase he asked if it hurt and proceeded to stop drilling and give me more novicaine. OW! So after an hour and 45 minutes I leave the dentist's office and when I was trying to eat soup (which was interesting in its own right) I realized that not only could I not feel part of my mouth, but the back of my mouth was incredibly sore. Sigh. When he was talking about how deep it had spread I was just waiting for him to tell me I would need a root canal. But lucky for us it didn't come to that. My eyes were already watering a bit becuase of the way it hurt (not searing pain hurt, but tingling, tickling hurt) and the big drill he used that vibrated my entire face. At least I'm not drooling.

I'm going to take some more tylenol. If you want to hear something a little funny call me and talk to me on the phone and get me to say things with lots of t's and s's next to each other, like dentist's . It's pretty funny to try to hear me spit it out. But that sensation won't last too much longer, the feeling is coming back, so you'd better hurry.

i get through thinking and the thoughts have left my head

2006-04-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

Today was productive/nonproductive. Probably more nonproductive, but at least at the end of it I didn't feel that way right? So I slept late, apparently I can't get enough sleep. But I think some of that has to do with the fact that I am hopelessly nocturnal. I'm not wired to go to bed earlier than 1 or 2 a.m. Unless I'm sick or something. Weird huh? It has been that way for as long as I can remember, so at least it is nothing new.

One of the best seasons of the year began today. And I don't mean spring. I mean it was Opening Day.

I am happy. Or at least happier than I have felt in awhile. Despite my sad eyes. I looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror today, but I wasn't sure what I saw. You can tell me next time you see me what you think. I laid out by the pool yesterday, and I got some good sun, and my nose freckles are the returning. Ba. I really don't mind them too much. Anyways. Ummmm, I WILL be productive the rest of this week. I WILL!

GRE Prep Course, was incredibly boring. The teacher talks super fast but tries to witty comments that just really aren't that funny, and make him sound a little pretentious. It is so odd. We had to do practice math problems, and some of the computers are really squirrely, (mine was) so I had to share with the guy next to me and despite the fact the teacher had explained everything and it made sense then, applying it to the practice problems was ridiculous. And we overheard people asking the teacher questions and he answered them like he was the MicroMachines guy. Ugh.

Tomorrow morning is filling number 2. I'm not so much dreading it like I was the last one. I can't say I'm dancing in anticipation, but the worst is over at the beginning.

I hope we get some time this week. Good.

Do you ever feel like the only things that might come out of your mouth if you speak are "uh" "er" "ugh" "i, uh" "ummm" "ahh," and other forms of bumbling for words? I do. Like you know what you need/want to say but aren't sure how to put it into words so that it makes sense outside of your head? I guess that is what is totally awesome about those people that you can talk with who don't mind if you bumble around a bit, letting you think and talk at the same time. You, thanks for that.

Listening: Dazed and Confused--The movie soundtrack everyone will be toking about.

yeah shes dashing for the exit

2006-04-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Well, well. Spring forward. Awesome.
Today=love.

After much thinking and a little talking I've some to the conclusion that I've got to slow down. Everything. I must slow everything down. The way I think, what I say, how I act, what I do, sloooooowwwwwweeeerrrrrr. Okay, maybe not that slow, but I'll ease up a bit. What brings this about you ask?

Friday (like I said in that post) I did quite a bit of thinking. One thing I thought about Friday and through the weekend was relationships. Yeah, yeah, I know, I've harped on this one a lot, but keeping reading, this is new stuff, I promise. And if it isn't, you have every right to publicly mock me, that is if you don't already. Okay so most relationships (of whatever nature), contrary to what seems to be popular belief in the collegiate world, don't just happen. You can't forcefeed yourself a friendship, dating relationship or whatever else. I for one, am irrevocably guilty of thinking I can. Sorry about that. I know better, I really do. Natural is the key, huh? Eh. Last night I was jolted into this train of thought. Taking "it" all slow, not ever forgetting about "it," but allowing "it" to manifest gradually can be invaluable. I don't mean you should just idle, but I'm pretty sure you get my point. Just no setting huge expectations, just living, breathing, dynamic existence. No pressure. I feel oddly liberated for whatever reason, not sure what. I don't want to attempt to explain anymore right now. I hope I can apply this. It would be nice, it would have been nice in the past. Things might have been simpler then, making things more great now. But the past is what it is, and there isn't much to do about it other than build off of it.

So I just mentioned the "jolting" that took place to get me into this train of thought. I thought I knew what I was going to hear and say, but I was suprised and suprised myself. I just had some release, and it was comforting and incredibly uncomfortable at the same time. I'm sleepy.

Everyone is just going along trying to get through this crazy thing, huh? Thank goodness I'm not doing this on my own--I just have to keep that in mind.

I had several people (random employees at restaraunts, or people I ran in to and spoke with) tell me I had sad eyes. Sad eyes. Man, maybe I'm just tired, or hiding behind my bangs. Speaking of which, another several people told me that I looked like a completely different person with this new hair-do. Hmmmm. I don't feel too different.....but then again.

Watching: Elizabethtown

your guess is as good as mine

2006-03-31T14:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, 25 minutes left at work. This is what I will do with my time. The work I have done this afternoon has been tedious...fixing stuff online, just formatting, etc., but for some reason things aren't getting posted the way they should, and I just don't think it looks that great, so I've been working on it. Today I suppose I will be saying farewell to my college job. Not going to lie, I'm a little weirded out.

It is beautiful outside, and I hate the fact I have been inside all day. I would like to go to the park, lay on a blanket and just read or take a nap or look at the clouds. Wouldn't that be nice? Yes, yes it would. I wish I could have just hung out today. Just run errands if I wanted, go outside if I wanted, hang out with people if I wanted, or alone too, go to Mary's and get ice cream or a fruit bar or a drink. Anything. But I've been pretty much alone today and inside looking out. I kind of always feel like I'm inside looking out though.

There have been about a zillion ideas run through my head today, and I feel like I've thought seriously about all of them. Thought them around and around and around. So I don't know where to start. I just feel like something is changing. I don't know. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is just the weather. I've felt so spastic lately. Just all over the place--emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically--I need some zen or something. So I turned on "Circle of Life" from The Lion King. Remember when we saw The Lion King in London? How great was that, we were like little kids. I want to go back and play on the lions in Trafalgar Square. Do you ever just feel ridiculous? I have several times this week. When you think or someone says something or looks at you funny and it just sets off this self-concious thing in your brain and you feel ridiculous for all of your previous actions or words? Just plain silly, and you feel like it was pointless. What a deflating feeling. (Now we are listening to "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid ) I am not explaining myself very well. Its more than just feeling silly, maybe it is more self-conciousness more than anything. Then everything around you tends to drive you just nutso. I'll have to think about that one some more and come up with a better explanation. Although I heard the funniest observation today, I might share it sometime, but now I am just going to laugh to myself about it.

Okay 10 minutes, so this will wrap up about now. Still so much unsaid. Lots of springtime love.

Listening: A Disney Smorgasborge-not really a CD, but you get my point.

i'm walking on a wire, running out of time

2006-03-30T22:24:00.000-08:00

Okay so today was fairly uneventful, although I have written more obituaries at work in the past three months than the past three years. I actually think this will be my last stint at ACU for awhile though. For real. Yeah I know I've told all of you that before, and I had a couple of weeks where I wasn't there, but I knew that I would be up there this week. But they haven't talked with me anymore about coming back, soooooo, farewell college job. So weird.

Anyways, ABC has been showing special editions of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They are doing rebuilding in the gulf coast, and I caught part of one tonight. It was so good. Next week looks great too. Tonight they were in Bayton, Miss., which had been hit mostly by Wilma. Apparently this town LOVES little league baseball, one of their teams lost the Little League World Series last year, so they are hardcore, but the fields were destroyed by the storm. So ABC set out to rebuild one of the fields, and the spotlight was on a team of nine year olds and Coach Ed. The team got to go to spring training with the Florida Marlins, and they had their own mini-Marlins uniforms and the players came out and coached them some, it was awesome to watch their little faces, and Coach Ed was so great, he was so happy for those kids and it was dead obvious how devoted he was. So anyways, the redo one of the fields and it is gorgeous and hurricane proofed (as much as possible) and when they revealed it the kids said things like "The is the bestest day," and "We have our field of dreams." They were just jumping and running around the bases, and when the reveal happened, Coach Ed bent down and the whole team just ran over and he put his arms around all of the them the best he could in a huge hug. Come to find out, and electronic company has donated the money to complete the other four fields. Needless to say I was in tears, the entire time. Not just little ones, I was sobbing. The head of the electronics company was presenting the check (he wasn't even from the community) and he said that he knows the kids will grow up and remember this and do the same thing for other people. I just love that attitude, and in a world where it seems like the negative is always focused on, I think it reminds us to breathe when we realize there are other people out there who have hearts of service and kindness. At least that is what it does for me, and I love the idea that people are so inspired to want to just help out and love the people around them, even if they are complete strangers. So great.

Tomorrow is Friday, here comes the weekend. I'm not sure what else I have to say, not much. Oh yeah, The O.C.?? I have been completely disappointed lately, but tonight was an improvement. Though, Marissa and coke? I mean come on, she was already drunk at school.... then Sadie tries to pick up and leave and Marissa plays the unselfish card for once, but only to hang out with psycho surf dude and inhale scary drugs (that looked unsettlingly like powdered sugar) while sitting on the beach? By the look on her face it seemed like she figured out that yes, coke does hurt when you decide to breathe it up your nose. Not that I know from experience, but come on, first TJ, then the obsessive alcoholism in season 2 and now coke and smoking out the trailerhouse? She's killing me. Anyways, thats all I have to say about that. Until next week with the Cohens.

I got some Fun Dip tonight. I feel like I'm 12. Awesome.

didn't i, didn't i, didn't i

2006-03-29T21:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so yes I have been slightly obsessed with Chicken Little, but it has made me want to a) dance, b) do karaoke, c) have a pet baby duck or chicken. Other than that, I enjoy cinnamon chips from Bueno even though they are a bit chintzy sometimes, and I got some of them today with Andrea. Then there was this frozen pasta primavera, I'd never had it before, but I'm convinced I need to go to the store to get some, it was great. Erg, but I'm hungry now. Today was a Wednesday, but I'm over it. I really need to figure out how to get pictures on this thing. Tomorrow is Thursday, then there is Friday. I'm afraid work on Friday will be boring, I think I'm alone all day. It is usually too quiet when that happens, but I'll muddle through. Ju know? Less than 2 months until Camille gets married, awesome. It will be so fun. Where has the time gone, I kind of feel like I have missed something. Probably, I'm always too busy worrying about something else. I'll work on that.

Watching: CSI: Las Vegas--probably one of the weirdest ones I've seen....murder at a "plushies" convention, where people dress in animal costumes, think college mascots. Serioulsy funny.

really really really wanna zig a zig ahhh

2006-03-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

Welp, I don't know man, I just don't know. Today I worked at the Arrangement, but only half of the day. I cleaned for about 4 hours, which actually was theraputic for me. I needed manual labor to work off some brainwaves or microwaves or radiowaves or something like that. There is a woman who comes in and makes this amazing toffee in the kitchen of the event center every week, and she was there today. Mmmmmmm. It smelled soooo good. So good. And she was listening to the "easy listening" station and it rocked my day. For real. I knew all the words to all the songs, and I'm pretty sure I looked ridiculous dancing with the dust mop, but I enjoyed it.

I decided that I would take a mulligan on the week. Yesterday--forget about it. It was so far out there that I still don't know what to make of it. It was just a weird weird day, everything was going fine, then the earth shifted and it was all off. I couldn't even manage to keep my car keys in check. Yesterday was totally out of whack, so I decided today that I would start over sort of. Today has been better as far as feeling like I haven't totally lost my mind. That's pretty nice. But uh-oh, we all know what tomorrow is-WEDNESDAY! Ha. I think it will be fine though.

Justification and rationalization have seemed to surround me frequently. I feel like I have had to stand up for myself a lot, but I don't think it is doing much good, I have only managed to change the view I had of myself. Which is slightly disturbing. Don't get me wrong, I think that self-evaluation can be incredibly healthy, we need to keep ourselves in check, make sure we're still heading in the right direction, but it can also be somewhat disappointing. I've just been thinking a lot about myself the past few weeks, and coming to some conclusions.

I have never been one of those people who has felt just misunderstood. But it seems that I have let people around me do exactly that. And I'm mad at myself for allowing that to happen and for not seeing it happen. I am not sure that I am one of those people who is overly concerned with what others think of me, as in I don't necessarily let run my life and my personality and my choices, but maybe I got too far on the other end of the spectrum. I don't see myself as mean-spirited, hateful, mean, unloyal, disembodied, emotionally detatched, conniving, uncaring, unkind or apathetic. On the contrary, I have always felt that I had a fairly upstanding general character, sometimes too emotionally involved, I am one of those people who cries when I see or heard of those in painful situations becuase my heart hurts for them, and I don't know how I can help, or I cry when I see people succeed and find happiness simply because I feel like they deserve it. I am a crier-obviously. (And it is NOT my intention to say that in order to make myself sound wonderful and amazing or anything like that; or in order to solicit compliments or reinforcements of my character, please, please do not take it that way.) I know I can be sarcastic and I know my sense of humor is a little out of whack sometimes, but I really hate that I haven't shown people that I care, and that I have managed to alienate myself from people who truly care and who I care a great deal for. I feel like people think I have an ugly black heart, look there is Jennifer a.k.a. Heart of Darkness (okay severe sarcasm there, just trying to lighten the mood...).

I don't know, I feel like I have more to say, but that paragraph just drained me. Unecessarily, though and I had no intention of writing something like this, but the people who read my blog are my friends, and I think they want to know what is going on in my head and heart. If you are a random-passer-byer, I hope maybe you can relate if nothing else. Usually I try not to be this intense, but it doesn't always work. I'm done, yo. I hope that everyone is having a wonderful day, and that Wednesday is great.

Listening: Know Nothing Stays the Same-Copeland