chuck taylors: those are what i'm wearing today

Final #2 is out of the way. It only took 20 minutes! I officially became "crinkled scantron girl" but thats okay. I was really embarassed to turn in my test actually becuase my scantron was so crinkly. Oh well, that just means it has personality right?

I studied hard at Denny's last night, where for the second time yesterday I ran into Brandon and Josh. It seems to be one of those things where you all of the sudden start running into the same people over and over. We saw each other earlier in the evening at Starbucks. It was a good thing though, I do not mind running into those boys, they make me smile and they are always sweet and I think that is great. I have been around them a bit the past few weeks, and that is fun!.

Another funny thing about Starbucks. So HE was there right? We know who I'm talking about, at least we should. Anyways, I go to study and this is after I get a really sweet email from him saying that he really hopes I'm not upset with him that he has had the best time with me and hopes that won't change. (The feeling is mutual.) He also hopes I can understand what he means when he says he doesn't think we should be more than friends. Which I do understand, I'm not socially inept. What I don't understand is his need to make such a vivid declaration of his lack of whatever for me. Its okay really, I was just under the impression we had established the lack of "dating" already and more than anything I feel like this whole thing is hurting the friendship. It is just way out of control and thats the fault of both parties. So thats the pretense of Starbucks. I'm sitting down, hadn't seen him and his friends sitting there, hear someone come up to me, I look up and guess who. I think I probably looked like I was going to throw up on him. He talks to me, its good. He was worried that I "hated" him. Which is no where near the truth and I told him that. I proceed to tell him that I just didn't understand why he felt like he needed to make the sort of decision that he did, the way he did when we had already established it wasn't an issue. He said he didn't want me to ever feel like I was led on. I said I didn't, but that I didn't think it was the time/place to talk about it and could we just finish later? He said eventually, I said when, he said he didn't like to talk about things after he had stated them, but knew that was unfair to me, and said we'd talk about it.

I study, think I do fairly well on my exam, HE and I proof each other's papers, which was super helpful, I'm so glad the teacher said we could do that. Then he jets out. This morning I get some IMs from him, and you know it was probably just me, but it just felt odd. Like awkward and weird and civil as opposed to friendly, but like I said it very well could have been me just being overly sensitive to the situation. And me, always wanting to fix things says "can we straighten things out before christmas?" He says he doesn't know what there is to straighten out, that he doesn't see us together and it is as simple as that, that I can't understand, that I WON'T understand, but yeah sometime we'll talk. That was it. I wanted to say, "I get it. I understand the decision, I just don't understand why you felt the need to make it when I thought we were just being friends. It wasn't even an issue. What I don't get is why you say you don't want things to change at all. Before all this weird mess we spent time together, now we aren't doing that." To me that is "change." It's easy I promise, just hang out with me, just talk to me. Its cool. Before I felt like I could call him or whatever and it wouldn't be a big deal, now I'm honestly worried to becuase I think I will get ignored or blown off or thought to be a stalker or something. Yeah right.

I was so upset I was shaking. And maybe it was the culmination of stress and a late night, and high emotions becuase I am graduating, but it just shook me up. I was shaking all the way through my final, and I teared up when I was walking out. I know, I'm being so emotional, but I just need to know that everything is fine. And I know I am probably am reading way too much into it, but my feeling have been hurt. I want to be this person's friend and it seems like he wants to be mine, but thats really hard to do when you don't hang out and you don't hear from the person. He said he's had the best time with me recently, and he doesn't want that to change. Since we did hang out and talk before all this, isn't not doing that changing things? We had a great time becuase we spent time together and enjoyed the company, its "just that simple." I just want things to go back to being okay, and to have a friend back Granted we weren't like BFF or anything, but it seemed like we both enjoyed the other person's company and stuff, so why should it be different now? A friend I can call up and not worry about them thinking about more than necessary, someone to hang out with, a friend to just watch a movie with, a friend to go to church with, a friend to give me hugs and high fives. I'm such a cheeseball here sounding like a bad inspirational poem on a waiting room poster, but I'm just telling the truth.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not sure which, I am extremely loyal. To the point of getting myself hurt sometimes. Once I have established a connection with someone, I like it to stick. Though I know people come in and out of life, I also know these people are a vital part of shaping who you are, etc, etc; and once I establish a relationship of any value with a person I want to continue on that path until there is some obvious reason not to. Maybe that is silly, but that is just me.

So I don't know what to say about it anymore. Nothing I guess. I'm done. I don't feel like I'm in a position where any attempt from my end to hang out or anything is wanted or will be accepted, so I guess I just have to wait. Christmas break is a few days away still, so I guess the possibility to successfully reestablish a friendship is there. I think we could hang out and it not be weird.

Am I overanalyzing? Yes, probably so. But when there something weird happens and you stop hanging out, etc, I find it difficult not to. Waiting in this situation is weird. Hopefully it is not in vain (thank Bob Marley for that one folks. If you are not singing I am sorely disappointed.) Or just not knowing if the other person would think it would be fun to hang out or even just speak to you is weird, when before everything was cool. I will be sad if I lose a friend over something like this. There is no reason why it should come to that. I'm numb, I'm tired, I'm confused and I'm in need of a hug. If anyone has an extra send it my way. Thanks.