really really really wanna zig a zig ahhh

Welp, I don't know man, I just don't know. Today I worked at the Arrangement, but only half of the day. I cleaned for about 4 hours, which actually was theraputic for me. I needed manual labor to work off some brainwaves or microwaves or radiowaves or something like that. There is a woman who comes in and makes this amazing toffee in the kitchen of the event center every week, and she was there today. Mmmmmmm. It smelled soooo good. So good. And she was listening to the "easy listening" station and it rocked my day. For real. I knew all the words to all the songs, and I'm pretty sure I looked ridiculous dancing with the dust mop, but I enjoyed it.

I decided that I would take a mulligan on the week. Yesterday--forget about it. It was so far out there that I still don't know what to make of it. It was just a weird weird day, everything was going fine, then the earth shifted and it was all off. I couldn't even manage to keep my car keys in check. Yesterday was totally out of whack, so I decided today that I would start over sort of. Today has been better as far as feeling like I haven't totally lost my mind. That's pretty nice. But uh-oh, we all know what tomorrow is-WEDNESDAY! Ha. I think it will be fine though.

Justification and rationalization have seemed to surround me frequently. I feel like I have had to stand up for myself a lot, but I don't think it is doing much good, I have only managed to change the view I had of myself. Which is slightly disturbing. Don't get me wrong, I think that self-evaluation can be incredibly healthy, we need to keep ourselves in check, make sure we're still heading in the right direction, but it can also be somewhat disappointing. I've just been thinking a lot about myself the past few weeks, and coming to some conclusions.

I have never been one of those people who has felt just misunderstood. But it seems that I have let people around me do exactly that. And I'm mad at myself for allowing that to happen and for not seeing it happen. I am not sure that I am one of those people who is overly concerned with what others think of me, as in I don't necessarily let run my life and my personality and my choices, but maybe I got too far on the other end of the spectrum. I don't see myself as mean-spirited, hateful, mean, unloyal, disembodied, emotionally detatched, conniving, uncaring, unkind or apathetic. On the contrary, I have always felt that I had a fairly upstanding general character, sometimes too emotionally involved, I am one of those people who cries when I see or heard of those in painful situations becuase my heart hurts for them, and I don't know how I can help, or I cry when I see people succeed and find happiness simply because I feel like they deserve it. I am a crier-obviously. (And it is NOT my intention to say that in order to make myself sound wonderful and amazing or anything like that; or in order to solicit compliments or reinforcements of my character, please, please do not take it that way.) I know I can be sarcastic and I know my sense of humor is a little out of whack sometimes, but I really hate that I haven't shown people that I care, and that I have managed to alienate myself from people who truly care and who I care a great deal for. I feel like people think I have an ugly black heart, look there is Jennifer a.k.a. Heart of Darkness (okay severe sarcasm there, just trying to lighten the mood...).

I don't know, I feel like I have more to say, but that paragraph just drained me. Unecessarily, though and I had no intention of writing something like this, but the people who read my blog are my friends, and I think they want to know what is going on in my head and heart. If you are a random-passer-byer, I hope maybe you can relate if nothing else. Usually I try not to be this intense, but it doesn't always work. I'm done, yo. I hope that everyone is having a wonderful day, and that Wednesday is great.

Listening: Know Nothing Stays the Same-Copeland