do a little bit more service and repair

Techinically it is the last day of the year. Well, 2 hours into it anyways. I have no idea why I am still awake, I've just been regurgitating memories and thinking things over the past 40 minutes or so. Why? Who knows. Becuase that is what I do when I'm bored, I overanalyze, or just analyze, I haven't decided which is more applicable to the current situation.

So I know this is absolutely ridiculous. But today I read something on someone's Facebook wall, and what was written and the person it was from made me feel weird about my connection to the first someone. I know this is completely ambiguous, but I can't be much more specific without probably embarassing myself or at least losing some face (save some face, you know you've only got one). So what I read shouldn't bother me, for several reasons. I don't even know the intentions of the writer, I don't know the writer's current connection to the owner of the wall, and I don't know how the owner will respond. Next, it shouldn't bother me becuase I'm not supposed to care that way. Not in the "what-does-that-mean?"-weird feeling-in-my-stomach-please-God-make-me forget-about-this-becuase-I-know-it-is-
doing-nothing- for-me kind of way. And especially if the owner of the wall wouldn't get that same "what-does-that-mean?"-weird-feeling......about me. UGH.

It is a matter of self-preservation. As much as I live to and want to fully not care about that kind of thing, to not care if my feelings are unrequited, I can't help it. I don't want to look back on any feelings about anyone and think about my wasted heart. Maybe I am wasting my heart by not just letting it run it's course, even though it has the strong potential to completely suck emotionally. I mean it sort of has already. Maybe I got that weird feeling for no reason. I just got jumpy becuase I don't know if it is for no reason, and I don't think I will know for a little while. I guess it is just uncertainty on my status. But that is okay, maybe I will not care in "that" way anymore. I am sure I am overanalyzing, which is no fun. And makes you feel even worse when you are pretty sure the other end isn't overanalyzing. When you're pretty sure the other end isn't even thinking about it, or concerned about the status the way you are. I am spilling my guts here. I probably shouldn't becuase I am making myself sound nutso. But being at my parents' house tends to leave me with a lot of free time to over-think life. I hope I don't read this in a few days and think to myself "get a grip."

I don't know. Check me in.