i want to stand and stare again

disclaimer: I don't know how I fully feel about this post, but I wrote it anyways. I may go back and edit it, so keep that in mind when you are reading it. Sorry.


Today I decided that I don't much care for Wednesdays. At least for the time being. I never really have if I think about it, but for different reasons than now. This Wednesday was a beautiful day, sunny and warm and just nice. I went in to work at school today and my happiness slowly drained out of me, to when I went home I was sad and lonely and bummed out. I don't know why. Maybe I just wanted to be enjoying the day outside and I spent some time at the computer, and in the car. Tomorrow will be nice too, maybe I will take my lunch to the park.

Silence got to me today. It got to me on the inside. I wasn't sure what to make of it, if I was supposed to make anything of it, and it made me feel sad. You know how some silence can be satisfying or weird or just is. Today the silence I experienced changed. At first it was an okay comfortable kind of silence, then it changed to a sort of uncomfortable kind of silence--the kind you just want to walk away from, then it changed in one fail swoop to the kind you would slit your throat to aviod. (maybe thats a little extreme, but I think you get my point) It was the last silence that made me so sad. And maybe the silence never really changed, I just made too much of the silence. Probably, I generally do. But it still made me sad. You think that you find a friend, someone things are nice with, but then things change and things get sad. At least for me. Losing friends makes me sad even though it is undoubtedly inevitable. You think you have some sort of connection with a person (whatever kind: intellectual, spiritual, whatever) then you get sad silence. Weird, sad, you-are-pushing-me-away-again-this-has-happened-before, why do i even care, why is this weird, friend losing silence. But I'm thinking too much again. Story of my life. I should just go.

edit: So I thought about it, and I thought: instead of thinking that I'm losing a friend, I should just remember that it is a busy time of year for everyone. Evyerone is stressed and busy and sick, especially this week with everything going on. So I thought I should chalk it up to that. It makes me sad to think of losing friends, so I think I will try to think about silence in a less sad way, and hope that I'm not losing that things just are. That will help.

This morning I was thinking while watching Say Anything: Why is it that some people you just can't be mean to? You just can't ignore? As much as you would like to sometimes, for some reason you can't. And no matter how they treat you, you just can't not want to be nice to them. You can't bring yourself to treat them the way they have treated you, to treat them with the same disregard as that you recieve. For whatever reason. Who knows. Then there are those people who you probably deserve to be treated poorly by and they just keep treating you nicely. Funny how that works. Gets me everytime.

This post has been random and weird and I'm sorry it just hit me and I needed to say it.

I'm getting golf clubs. And I'm glad.

edit: Speaking of golf clubs. Yesterday and today (well and the past year really) I have been constantly reminded by this little tugging in my heart of the things I have yet to fulfill spiritually. Not things for myself necessarily, but I have just felt lost as to how whatever talents I have can be used for ministry. I know and have known for awhile (I seriously considered picking up a Bible/ministry minor sophomore year but the 2 majors seemed overwhelming enough at that point) that I want ministry to be a part of my life and my career. And I know that the way we live our lives can be a ministry, but for me that is not enough. I've been praying for direction and I know that it will be clear at some point, but it is like I am waiting for something to click.

Last Wednesday afternoon, my little corner of the world came crashing down around me, and I was a basketcase (ask my co-workers). And the catalyst was something small, but it seemed so huge to me at that point, and I couldn't see past it. I guess that is the nature of personal problems. I read the scriptures on love and friendship and perseverance through trials, I mean I tried every tried and true section of the Bible I could think of and then started referencing the index and covered just about every topic I felt like was related to my grief. Things improved during the weekend, my Dad came through town and I needed that I think. I was thankful.

Then Sunday came and I was told a sad sad story of a terrible accident and all I wanted to do was cry. I cried for her, for her family and friends and I think I cried for myself a little too becuase I felt so incredibly selfish. I know that may not make sense, but thats what I felt, I was almost embarassed because I had been so worked up a few days prior and was again reminded of how easy it is to lose sight of things. It happened again yesterday. At the flower shop, there was an order going to a room in Hendrick Hospital and what we were supposed to write on the card was "Happy Valentine's Day, I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you." and I was an emotional mess (exhaustion also contributing I'm sure) from then on out. I know those two instances (the accident and the card) really may have nothing to do with getting myself out of my comfortable place and helping others or just helping raise awareness of the general population to injustices that we become blind to, but both with both instances I couldn't shake the strong feelings I had to want to make a change. Something. Anything.

Last week when I was putting my corner back together or just surveying the damage I said to a friend "there has to be more to life than this." Thats how I feel right now. Just frustrated becuase I am in between.

This ended up being incredibly long and jumpy. But I don't know, people who read this are my friends and I figure you want to know these things about me. And if you didn't, well you just got a ton of information. ha. It exhausted me.

Back to the silence.