say goodnight and go

I am cold. I'm just chilly all over and inside, even my teeth are cold, I can't figure this weird stuff out, and I would really like to be warm. I am blaming myself becuase I went on a run and probably should have worn more clothes than I did. It was a nice run, but a little weird. Imogen Heap is my new running music. For this week anyways.

So I'm running right? It is a little dreary outside, cold, overcast, it wasn't too late yet, just around 5, and all of the sudden every ounce of my body just feels heavy. Not even like physically heavy, it was like my emotions were making my body heavier and heavier. It was the strangest feeling. It was like I was bloated (gross word I know) with emotion and thought and craziness. Like I lost all sense of what was going on. Do you ever have those moments when you know you're moving fairly quickly but it just feels like you are standing still? (You're probably saying "Only when I take those funny pills...") But I am serious, it felt like it took me FOR-EV-ER to pass just a single house. I was just looking at it and it seemed to never end, and I thought about the fact that the sensation was totally weird and shook my head and said "What?" but it did not go away. I mean I don't even know what I was thinking about or being emotional about. I am not really that stressed out about any particular thing, I'm not really confused or sad or happy or disappointed or anxious. I just am. (This is the good part) Then I just started crying! While I was running!!! Seriously. What the heck?? But I haven't cried in a long time at least it seems that way. Maybe I just have emotional build-up. Sort of like plaque. Like when you get fuzzy teeth and feel like you need to brush them, maybe I have a fuzzy heart and fuzzy brain and they just need a good pressure wash. So weird I know.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow. I feel too far separated. It is funny how we try to figure out what we need. Who am I kidding??? I don't have a clue what I need or half the time even what I want. I mean I know some wants, but sometimes I find myself in a completely apathetic state. I did not even know that was possible for me, however, it has happened more in the past 4 months than in my entire life. I want my passion back. Maybe that is what made me cry today. Maybe I figured out that I was dispassionate. I think I just want to know that I mean something in the big scheme of things. And in the back of my head I know I do, but I'm pretty sure we all forget sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day. I am so thankful for those. They are what get me through sometimes. I'm looking for that balance between living each day to its fullest all while preparing for the next. I don't know what I'm talking about. Ha. It is also funny the people God puts in our lives. I mean if I look back I have had the biggest smorgasborge (sp?) of personalities and people in my life. And even weirder how some seem to be just "coincidence" or "chance" or whatever, but then you step back and look at everything, or you learn about other surrounding circumstances only to realize that that person was inevitably going to be in your life one way or another, at some point. What are you supposed to do with that? And how weird is that to think about? I think it is weird and funny and whatever. I mean think about how many people in your life are like that. You might find more than not. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, it is still kind of weird, but a little comforting at the same time. Once again, I don't know what I'm talking about. All of that to say I'm looking forward to church.

Last night Becca was here and we ate dinner with Camille and Emily. It was great. I miss my friends terribly sometimes. Just awfully other times. But I miss them either way. Weird knowing that you are probably all going to be apart for the rest of your lives. Sad, but not too sad because being reunited with people can be awesome.

Okay it is 7:30 p.m. and I've got some time to kill before it is time for sleep. I don't know what I am going to do. Hopefully I will find something. If nothing else, I can get industrious and clean and do some laundry!! I like starting off the week fresh. Even though my work week is not starting until Wednesday again this week, but hopefully that will be remedied next week.

I think someone around here has a pet skunk becuase all of the sudden it smells like skunk. I've decided that I have a really sensitive smeller.