something happened on the way to heaven

Part of me wants to go back and read some old posts that I've written. But another part of me refuses to let myself do that for fear of feeling ridiculous. Part of me loves Wednesdays and part of me hates them.

Today more than ever in the past 3 months or so I have felt completely misunderstood. Funny thing is I know why that is, but I really don't feel like I can say anything about it to clear it up. Do you ever feel like someone think they "get" you only to realize (slowly or quickly) that they completely missed the mark? It is quite possibly my own fault. Maybe I'm not misunderstood. I could only be showing people what I think they want to see, but what is the point in that???? Nothing. There is no point in that. But at the same time people have to be patient and put out the effort to "get" you. Maybe I don't want to be gotten, or maybe I'm just choosy about who I let "get" me. I don't know. (I suppose it is all about the construction of identity, thank you Dr. Bill Rankin).

I take that back. I want to be gotten. I want someone to get me, or maybe I just want someone to want to get me. Or at least get where I'm at right now and get the fact that I won't always be that way. Not that I'm even sure where I'm at right now, but they could at least try. It is funny how we choose who we want to "get" us. What if they don't want to "get" us, or want to try to "get" us. Then we are disappointed. I think I am disappointed. Over the years I've let a few friendships get my hopes up at something stable, only to realize that a) I was being fooled, b) the other person wasn't interested in "getting," c) my belief that people have good intentions is overestimating the general population, d) I generally put more effort into sustaining relationships than other people. (I'm not jaded, I just had a rough final 20 minutes of my workday). Wow, this is seriously making me emotional. But I want to be gotten in the sense that it is okay that people don't fully "get" me becuase I don't know if that is possible for anyone to be completely "gotten," and in the sense that what they do take is from me, not about me from someone else through another person who talked to me. "Getting" is progressive. Maybe I just want to be given a fair shot, and it makes me sad more than mad when I don't get that, and I know that I've been shorted before, and the reasons were always asinine. I guess I just try not to do that to others, and I would like the same in return. But it is probably partially my own fault when that happens. Discretion is the key word.

I don't want to write anymore, my thoughts are jumbled and I have no place for them to get sorted out. I'll probably remove this or change it later, but I just needed to get a few thoughts down and typing doesn't make my hand hurt as quickly as writing does.

Tomorrow is another new day, with new conversations, new interactions, new thoughts.

I had a little cry. I am heartsick.