oh, but if you only knew, but i'm finally convinced you don't care

I had a nice weekend. The sun wasn't out as much as I would have liked, but it came out when it mattered. I spent about eighteen hours in the car, but it was worth it. I got to be at the wedding of a dear friend, and spend time in a place I love. One funny thing about the weekend: I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because it took me six hours to drive from Dallas to Austin; I cried when I saw my "summer family;" I cried when I talked to adults I love and respect about what I'm doing with my life and what I'm not; I cried when I talked about a love lost; I cried during the wedding vows and I cried during the first dance and I feel like crying now. I guess the tears are supposed to be cleansing. Hot drops of relief, with no place else to go. They just bubbly up and make the world blurry for a few seconds, then fall allowing you to refocus and maybe see the world a little differently.

I kept getting these waves of enlightenment, like little calls to action, but the actions that feel necessary, well, I feel like they will achieve nothing. That's where my confusion lies. Do I take an action, to just take it, and hope it makes a difference, or do I bide my time, waiting it out, hoping for the best case scenario? Tough call, especially when you feel fully convinced that your action will do nothing, move no one, cause no change. It is action take too late. What is it that people say? "Too little, too late." Only this isn't too little. I'm afraid it's too big. Much too big. It's scary, really, thinking that taking that chance, jumping off that bridge, won't matter. Maybe that is why I cried. Because I was afriad it would be pointless. I considered that virtue I do so poorly with--patience--but then wondered about the fine line between having patience and missing your window of opportunity. I know we don't get countless opportunities to make job changes, make friends, say what we're thinking, give our opinion, share something with another person or whatever Sometimes we only get one "big chance," sometimes we are presented with several "small chances." The trouble lies in discerning between the two, and understanding exactly what it is the other side needs or wants. But what if you think your chance is already gone and you have action you feel you must take?

What do you do? Wait? Or jump? Wait? Jump?

I'm finding that in some areas of my life I need to jump. Now. In others though, I think I have to wait. I've already kind of missed my turn to jump, so I have to wait for it to come back around, if it comes back around. I wish I could just butt in line and jump and hope for the best, but I'm not even sure that is an option.

For now, I have to finish reading my goal for the day, for the month. Then maybe I can figure out a way to prepare myself to jump. To make myself known.