give a little bit

so i slept on it.
i am done.
i'm tired of feeling like people are faking "it" (whatever "it" is).
i don't want to feel like a second choice or a charity case.
i want it to be fun.
i like smiling.
i do not like feeling like i'm giving myself to something and then feeling or realizing that people are just taking and taking and not giving anything in return.
i also hate it when i realize that i've been the taker.
"it" can't just be (whatever "it" is).
but communication is so important isn't it?
i'm confused. yikes.
it makes you feel like you are wrong for feeling the way you do.
the worst is when you feel like you are convincing people, it makes you feel that it isn't genuine, that it isn't sincere, that it has lost its innocence.
it makes my stomach turn.
trust is a fierce animal.
i have got to get out of here.
yup.
i am done.
there are some things that i would love to adjust, love to change, love to get my foot in the door again, say how about my spiritual life....thats a huge one i've been thinking about a lot lately.
now, interesting thought for me is the fact that yes, it is something i can work on all by myself, but it is always good to have encouragement from people around you, the great thing is i don't have to do it alone, there are other people out there wanting the same thing (not exactly i'm sure, but you all know what i'm saying) and guess what, it can be mutually beneficial.
man, oh man, if i was 6 again.
my prayer for the day is patience. patience, discernment, a clear head and recognition that i need a little bit of help with this life.
sometimes i forget that.
i'm not needing to make any earth-shattering decisions today, but i would like to approach several different areas of my life with a certain sensitivity.
whatever happened to just living it all?
can i please do something right? and feel like i'm doing something right? instead of feeling like i'm doing everything completely wrong?
i'm not liking theses realizations i've been having, they are blindsiding me, which is ridiculous becuase i should have seen them all coming too.
ug, everything is NOT that big of a deal. ITS NOT.

*i just had to get that out of my system is all. no rhyme, no reason, just had to purge. and i think writing down things i need to work on holds me more accountable. so there you go, monday's list of personal improvements to be made. getting them out of my system this way helps me feel like i don't have to roll them around in my head all day. its really nice outside and i am going to appreciate that. like i said. i'm done.*