breathe

When it rains, it pours. That couldn't be more true for me right now. I haven't felt this overwhelmed in a long long time. It is making me tired and sick and I'm pretty sure it is making me no fun. I don't mean to make light of the situation, becuase it isn't light.
What's on my mind/heart:
1) i am not trying to worry or think more than necessary
2) i have more than just me to think about here, so that is why it isn't as light
3) truly caring for someone is a big deal
4) my brain hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, i'm numb, but i still feel so much
5) i'm praying hard about this, i know i need to listen...
6) i don't have answers, i'm sorry, i don't
7) tonight i said "i don't know" and i'm pretty sure that is the only time i have TRULY meant it other than in math class when i was totally clueless; i mean i honestly had NO idea, none
8) i hate hurt and disappointment, and i hate causing it, and i hate the way it makes me feel, and i don't want to make others feel that way. right now i feel like that is the only potential result on all sides
9) i'm terrified. completely and totally terrified.
10) i have had some intense conversations, and it has been trying for me, i feel so concerned, but i wish that it was just simple, no pressure, just easing into things
11) i don't like not being trusted, i don't like it when people are skeptical of me and my intentions and my motivations
12) i don't understand how to help people understand that i don't have the master plan for my life in my head, i have some ideas of what i feel like i need and want, but nothing is set in stone; it seems there are some things that you just don't know how they will turn out, when they will turn out, what will ultimately happen---i feel pressure to know, to give a guarantee, i don't know how to do that, am i supposed to? maybe i am?
13) i think i am searching for some contentment. with any part of my life
14) i'm tired of being in limbo

That is all I can get out of my head right now. It is spinning. I hope it all makes sense. The oven has been on for the past 30 minutes. I was going to make some cookies, but I haven't put them in to bake yet. Is there such thing as death by running? I think I tried it this evening. I went up to school to go running since it was already dark outside and the sidewalk at school is well-lit, apparently I felt the need to sprint. WHAT? I did great for about 3/4 of a mile then I was pretty sure I was going to die. My chest was tight, my throat hurt, I was ready to pass out. My thoughts: "Geez. It has been way too long since I've run...what happened??" I am watching a new show on A&E, "God or the Girl" about 4 guys across the nation who feel called to the Catholic priesthood. It is fairly interesting. I need some sleep. I need some release. I need some love. I need some serious tickles. I need my bests to come to town (31 DAYS!). That is all. I'm going to lay on the couch some more and hopefully blank out. That'll be good. I would like a puppy.