i am ready

i'm at square one.
starting over.
i miss my friends.
this week has completely broken me down, not even in the obvious ways.
i've been made aware of so many things.
i've always had so much direction in my life, but i feel so spacey right now and that drives me bananas.
but i feel selfish.

i'm giving up control.
i've been fighting it, but its time. way past time.

i aim to please, but i can't do that, i know i can't, so why do i try so hard?
because thats who i am, thats what i like doing, i love seeing people happy, even if it is at my own expense.
i should stop worrying about that so much probably.
i'm tired of not living.

i am who i am.
i think too much, i say sarcastic things even though i'm pretty sensitive, i need my independence and my space and my time by myself, but i need other people in my life to make it full, i love laughing and i love stupid jokes, i love you and you and you and you and me, lip gloss and teddy bears are my secret loves, i hate feeling insecure, but i need affirmation just like anybody else. i want to rely on myself less and God more. i love being alone but i hate feeling lonely, i love the person who can silently keep me company; i hate it when things get to me and make me heartsick; i love when people tell me they care so much about me, and i love telling people how much i care about them, but i hate letting them down. i also love when i know that people care about me, and they don't even have to say anything. i can take care of myself, but i need steady support. i tend to take the high road even when my whole self wants to take the other one...i like taking leaps of faith, and i like trying new things. i want people to know how deeply i care, and i know i don't say it enough, but i do, truly. i like to pretend i have it all together, but i am a complete and total and utter mess, about practically everything.

so its 12:40 a.m. on friday night/saturday morning and i am ready. thank you and goodnight.

p.s. global night commute tomorrow night (saturday), you should sign up at www.invisible children.com, really unique way to raise awareness.

Listening: to the deafening silence