if i could find you now

so i think too much.
i know. sorry.

so today. oh today, what a wednesday. love-hate relationship. but its over now so i can love again.
i peeled myself out of my bed this morning, oh how i did NOT want to get up and face the day.
i was completely and wholly against it.
but my day was fine really.
started out a little meager, but i read some james, 1 peter, some hebrews and just tried to focus.
i went to the acu library today, took my computer and looked for jobs.
i needed a change of scenery, it is so fancy in there now, and i think my apartment is depressing me.
maybe i should rearrange furniture. or something. or just get out more.
i will get out tomorrow too, don't know where, but i will find some place.

i'm fine. really, thanks for asking. (this is you and me talking, whoever you are).
today was fine. i hope your day was great.

so i'm trying to do some understanding. some accepting. some unselfish thinking.
i think it is working. i want it to. so badly.
i never meant to be selfish.

also, something came to mind today. God's role in my life...yes we all know i have some sort of complex, i wouldn't say i exactly have control issues becuase usually i feel out of control. either way. here's what i'm thinking: sometimes it seems like we, (or maybe just i, i will use i) know we need to listen to God, know we need to seek help, know thats what we want to do, know thats what we need to do. so we try, right? we try really really hard...now, isn't it possible to try too hard? (kind of the way i think too much???) we mean so well right? we are listening so hard for what God has to say to us, and thinking about it and looking for it, but God does not always hit us in the face with a 2 x 4. at least not in my experience, sometimes yes, it is dead obvious, but others, eh. so can we be thinking so hard and trying so hard to have our hearts and minds in the right place that we totally miss the proverbial 2 x 4. 0r we get hit with it and we just think that can't possibly be it, thats too obvious? or sometimes its just a quieter answer maybe? not even a 2 x 4, but we are too busy thinking about listening for God that we miss it? i mean what if it is sitting right there in front of us and we are too busy thinking about other aspects of the situation and too busy worrying about waiting and hearing that we miss it? i don't want to miss it. how frustrating. i have faith, i do. it is such a fine line for me. a huge tension in my life right now. tension like my need and want to make a change and make a difference, but my continual frustration with myself for my lack of action and lack of direction, but right now i guess i should be satisfied with the desire, the opportunity will come, yes?

i feel like there are many things hanging in the balance right now. that is what is making everything a little more difficult for me i believe. i know it will ease up. i just hate thinking that i'm missing it.

i don't know. just some things i've been tossing around for a little while. i don't know if that makes sense, and i know it isn't perfect, but i hope someboday maybe gets it. i'm all about editing when new thoughts come along.

overall it was a good night. i was slightly disappointed, but not suprised about some things, but had some suprising entertainment in the form of the sweetest 9th grade girls--i went to a "d-group" that a friend of mine leads. it was their "hangout night" which was just what i needed. (i guess you're just what i needed...please sing that) it was so funny, they were so great. then i chit chatted with the friend and her husband for awhile. it was good.

it can only be as strong as its weakest part--i don't think i fully appreciated that until this evening.