it's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate

I have been more social in the past 48 hours than I have in the past 48 days. Go figure. I wonder why that is. Beats me. I don't think I've changed, but maybe I have, 48 days is a long time. Last night I had dinner company and tonight I again had dinner company, and it was great. I have gotten used to spending so much time alone, but being with these friends was an excellent change for me. Surely I can find some balance in the near future. That is what I will work on.

Around 9:30 this evening I decided to take my headphones and go to the park and swing. It was so nice outside and it there was lightning so I went to Cal Young Park and sat on the swings and listened to Damien Rice for about 45 minutes. That might have been the best thing I've done for my soul in a while. Granted it probably wasn't the safest place to be alone at night, but I parked close and kept a watchful eye out. I saw two disc golfers leave the park and watched a homeless man build a fire and sit and watch the lightning. But then I came home and felt all kinds of sick all over. I don't know why. So I layed on my floor then took a hot shower, that helped. I guess I steamed it out of me. Ha.

Today I didn't do much, it is the one day this week I didn't have to work, and that was a blessing and a burden all in one. But I got some things done and still felt fairly productive and rested. Tomorrow I'm working downtown, and tomorrow is Artwalk. March of the Penguins is showing at the Paramount and I am thinking about going. You should come too.

In some situations with some people I know exactly how to be a friend. In other situations I don't. I've encountered one of the latter and I just don't know how to act. So I try to just "be" and I guess it is working okay. There are just a lot of factors involved and it is silly and sensitive at the same time. I should probably not think about it and then it will be fine.

Today I wanted to ask a few questions, but I bit my tongue. It just didn't feel right or appropriate and I believe me, they were just sitting there perched on the end of my tongue and at the front of my brain, so it isn't like I didn't know what to say. It was like when you are going to go off the high-dive for the first time and you run to the end and stop and the very last minute and have to wave your arms to keep from plunging 15 down. These questions ran to the end of my mental diving board a few times, but never got up the courage to jump. I think I was concerned that they were self-serving, or just plain selfish; that they were questions that didn't matter in the big scheme of things--as most generally don't, but they still wanted to be asked. Most definately. I guess I just couldn't decide if it would be selfish of me to ask them, and so I didn't, though now I kind of wish I had. I don't know why either. Well, that isn't entirely true, I have an idea of the motivation behind the questions, and I think it is pure and well-intentioned, but when it all boils down to it I was just plain scared. Not in the screaming/shaking sense, but more in the anxious/apprehensive sense. Just didn't feel right. Wouldn't it make things easier if you just asked me what was on my mind and then I would tell you, that is if you were really interested; then I could ask you and you could tell me, becuase I am interested. That would be awesome.

I think I will start something new on my blogs, since a lot of other sites have it set up where you can put what you are listening to or reading or watching, but blogspot doesn't seem to...or if it does I haven't figured it out, and I think it is fun to know what people are listening to and reading and watching. I got jealous of other sites so here we go and we'll see if I can keep this up with any sort of variation (I have 2 today):

Listening: 0-Damien Rice
Reading: Hebrews 10-13