oh, but if you only knew, but i'm finally convinced you don't care

I had a nice weekend. The sun wasn't out as much as I would have liked, but it came out when it mattered. I spent about eighteen hours in the car, but it was worth it. I got to be at the wedding of a dear friend, and spend time in a place I love. One funny thing about the weekend: I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because it took me six hours to drive from Dallas to Austin; I cried when I saw my "summer family;" I cried when I talked to adults I love and respect about what I'm doing with my life and what I'm not; I cried when I talked about a love lost; I cried during the wedding vows and I cried during the first dance and I feel like crying now. I guess the tears are supposed to be cleansing. Hot drops of relief, with no place else to go. They just bubbly up and make the world blurry for a few seconds, then fall allowing you to refocus and maybe see the world a little differently.

I kept getting these waves of enlightenment, like little calls to action, but the actions that feel necessary, well, I feel like they will achieve nothing. That's where my confusion lies. Do I take an action, to just take it, and hope it makes a difference, or do I bide my time, waiting it out, hoping for the best case scenario? Tough call, especially when you feel fully convinced that your action will do nothing, move no one, cause no change. It is action take too late. What is it that people say? "Too little, too late." Only this isn't too little. I'm afraid it's too big. Much too big. It's scary, really, thinking that taking that chance, jumping off that bridge, won't matter. Maybe that is why I cried. Because I was afriad it would be pointless. I considered that virtue I do so poorly with--patience--but then wondered about the fine line between having patience and missing your window of opportunity. I know we don't get countless opportunities to make job changes, make friends, say what we're thinking, give our opinion, share something with another person or whatever Sometimes we only get one "big chance," sometimes we are presented with several "small chances." The trouble lies in discerning between the two, and understanding exactly what it is the other side needs or wants. But what if you think your chance is already gone and you have action you feel you must take?

What do you do? Wait? Or jump? Wait? Jump?

I'm finding that in some areas of my life I need to jump. Now. In others though, I think I have to wait. I've already kind of missed my turn to jump, so I have to wait for it to come back around, if it comes back around. I wish I could just butt in line and jump and hope for the best, but I'm not even sure that is an option.

For now, I have to finish reading my goal for the day, for the month. Then maybe I can figure out a way to prepare myself to jump. To make myself known.

tollway ends in 2 miles, all traffic must exit

This link is to an entry on a blog I read pretty frequently. I am completely guilty of this and just really enjoyed her point of view on it. So take a look. We all know the people who do this, most of us do it ourselves, or at least we want to, but just get nervous and don't follow through at all--forget making it an afterthought.

http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/greek_tragedy/2007/05/the_oh_by_the_w.html

That's really all for today, I just thought I'd share. Enjoy. I'm leaving for Dallas after work and Austin tomorrow sometime. I sure hope I packed everything. The rain is torrential this morning and my pants are irrevocably wrinkled. But they're seersucker so you can't tell too much. I hope.

a four-part harmony for you and me

First: Happy graduation to Becca! Aloha and buneos dias to the traveler!

I am scrolling through the music available on the network here at the office and am finding nothing to suit my ears today. That seems to be the trend lately. I can't find any melody, any lyric, any bridge or any note to hum. What is the deal? Here are some options:
CRASH: a playlist of Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, and Silverchair. Oh and don't forget George Strait.
Carol's MuZak: highlights including Johnny Cash: Unearthed I-V alongside the Pussycat Dolls
Traci's Tunes: of the bubblegum variety, featuring Britney, Christina, and Ashley Parker Angel
Wordless Chorus: aptly named for the apperance of My Morning Jacket, this list also includes personal favorites, Jeff Buckley and Explosions in the Sky, and golden oldie Miles Davis

Nothing is doing it for me these days. I need some new music. The Maroon 5 album is out today, maybe that will be a good alternative. Since I haven't been able to be satisfied through muisc, I've started watching back episodes of TV shows online while I work; this way I have background noise and I can catch up on whatever I've missed. I watched The Bachelor this morning, and since I'm on Carol's MuZak, looks like Rascal Flatts is my poison until the shuffle setting settles on something else. I hardly listen to my own playlist anymore, it just makes me restless and usually annoyed. But I sure miss listening to Elvis.

This week I am preparing to go to Austin for a wedding. I couldn't be more excited. I'm so happy for Joanna and Tanner, and I can't wait to be a part of the celebration.

I'll be staying with Lindsay Thursday night, then trekking down to an awesome city that I love on Friday. A six hour drive from OKC, I think it will be more tolerable in two doses, with one big haul made back north on Sunday. I do have reservations about my trip though. How strange it will feel to be there again. I haven't been there since January when I waved goodbye to a dear friend, leaving to chase the life he's always wanted. Different things in our lives often absorb different meanings for us. To me, Austin is one of those things, which may sound completely ridiculous to you, reader, but it is a city close to my heart. It represents a new horizon, open doors, open minds, open hearts. Big defining moments of my life have managed to occur in and around Austin, and I don't just mean something I was involved in, I mean things said, things done, people met.

I've gained friends that are like family, a "summer family'' I would do anything for, a mentor; I've been to court there, seen friends fall apart there, fallen apart myself; I have memories of friends who have drifted away; some of the most kind words I've heard have been spoken there; I've cried there for my losses, I experienced the suprise of another chance at something I thought was long gone, something that has now taken another turn. I don't have a single bad memory of the place, and I've experienced quite a few different things there with different friends and different circumstances; and the opportunity for bad memories has most definately been present, but all I've ever found myself leaving with is a new opportunity, a new outlook, a new thought, and the need to act. I'm not sure if it is fair that I've so many happy, growing memories there. Something about being there makes me brave. Nerves have begun to surface about the visit, for reasons I'm not quite sure of, becuase I sure don't have anything to be nrevous about except for traffic on I-35, but I look forward to the peace that I think will come with absorbing whatever love affair I have with the place. Just for a little while at least.