let the bad air out

I pretty much purged my apartment tonight starting around 10. I scrubbed down nearly every surface I could find, and the only thing that kept me from dusting and vacuuming was the fact that wen it was time for that it was a bit late and I think my neighbors below me would fire me. So that will have to wait until tomorrow. But when it happens, my house will be germ-free. I ended up with 2.5 bags of things to throw away, and 5 loads of laundry that I'm still waiting to retrieve from the dryers. One thing about laundry, I love for everything to be clean, but absolutely HATE folding clothes. I hate it. Drudgery.

I'm sitting in the dark watching the weather channel and trying to cool off in here. My dishwasher is running and is a bit loud, but I also have fans going and my balcony door open as well as my bedroom window. I'm trying to ciruclate the air, becuase when I was scrubbing I nearly had a heat stroke, so I turned off as many lights as I could and kept going. Silly maybe, but its 12:45 and nearly 70 degrees outside. This weather makes me think of Costa Rica. Only without the sound of the beach, (unless you count to water in my dishwasher...if I close my eyes I'm there) howler monkeys and crazy birds that made the weirdest noises I've ever heard (every morning around 4...just in time to get you ready for the sun to come up at 6). Seriously, this bird or lizard or whatever the heck it was made the scariest noise; take the noise you get when you need your brake pads replaced only magnified times five, add it to Rudolph's nose noise (see "lights will guide you home" post for clarification), marry that pair to the waving dissonance you get when attempting to tune two instruments together (wah wah wah wah wah) and you have something pretty close. Needless to say it scared me to conciousness the first morning.

Other than that, I'm just trying to get my feet under me this week with changes in jobs and that sort of thing. Tomorrow will shed some light on everything and hopefully I'll know a little more what is going on. Regardless, the job search continues, the resume is updated (but I definately want someone else to look over it again) and now I just have to get all my contacts together and start trying to convince people I'm cool enough, smart enough, tall enough, fast enough, funny enough, (insert your preferred adjective) enough to hire.

I will let you know what I find out.

for all the hours here that move too slow

I have the worst cramp in my toe right now. I think toe camps are the weirdest and probably one of the most painful types of cramps to get, besides those killer calf ones that tend to disable you for at least 20 minutes.

Another Monday come (and almost gone). I'm proud of myself for actively looking for a job throughout the weekend, and I found some interesting and not so interesting things.

Little to say today. No reactions to much of anything. Well okay, I always have reactions to things, I just am not sure what I really have to say about them right now. New music I'm listening to: Arctic Monkeys. I like it. Give it a spin. Let me know what you think. They are playing at SXSW, I wish to see them, as well as some others.

I was introduced to GrizzlyMan on the Discovery Channel a few days ago. Crazy stuff. I mean the guy really was a little nutso, often speaking with a fox he named Iris, and as funny and odd and weird as it is, you feel a bit sorry for him; he was so disappointed with society and most of the people in it.

Whew, what else to say? For some reason I have had "Father Hear the Prayer We Offer," in my head for the past few days. I have no idea why either, I haven't heard it since Kylie and Eric's wedding. It is a nice prayer, a faithful prayer, accepting the fact that life is tough, but continually trying to have faith and recognizing grace as sustaining. The fifth verse is left out of a lot of hymnals, but it might be one of my favorites, well I like the whole thing. Thats all. I think I just want to have that kind of faithful prayer, and not praying that it won't be hard or diffucult, but just praying for some help and not trying to have too much control.

Okay I'm done I think. I have to go get some lotion for my legs anyways.

feelin good, feelin great; feelin great, feelin good, how are you?

I'm sitting here eating Sour Patch Watermelons about to watch Must Love Dogs. I went to the So Percussion performance tonight at school and it was really good. It is funny in situations like that, how people "watch" music. Some just sit, some tap their feet, some bob their heads. I'm a head bobber. And you don't realize you are doing it until you see someone else doing it and then you think about it and realize you are totally guilty too and then you smile to yourself and keep going.

It is thundering outside and it is peaceful. The rain has had a calming effect on me and I love that. Though I have been a little stressed and worried and just frustrated with so many things, specifically where my life is headed as far as job, career, grad school, etc, etc. WOW, it just lightning-ed and thundered super loud. I'm glad I'm indoors though I think I will open my blinds so I can watch and listen. The lights keep flickering too. YIKES! Anyways, I know to pray about it and I know and truly believe that things will work out fine, but I can't help my worries. Okay, the thunder is past the point of peaceful and is starting to scare me now. No lie, it shook my couch. I wish it would rain again as well as thunder. Back on track here...I know I will find something, I just feel so in-between. (The rain just started....awesome) When I talked to Joel (the dear friend from last night's post) so many things came out of my head, just concerns about the whole "grown-up" thing, and what we have to do in this life. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I think too much, worry too much about what I'm going to do with the time I'm given, not only where am I going to take myself but where am I going to take others...sometimes I feel like one of those "tortured-soul" type persons, but I don't think that is the case. I said that to Joel and he told me that I didn't qualify as a tortured-soul type person, but that the tortured-soul type person is the one who wakes up when they are 45 and realizes they haven't thought about any of that stuff. (Okay so he was more articulate, but you get the point.)

I used to let the small things consume me, and that is still true sometimes. But I have started thinking that is only because I seek to be content. I don't ever want to be comfortable, I want to feel challenged and like there is something out there for me change or be changed by. Maybe that is weird or idealistic, but I've never thought of myself as an idealist.

The rain is slowing down and I with it. The computer is making my legs really hot, though it probably doesn't help that I am covered up with a blanket. Ha. The past few days I have been in a really happy state. I realized that I love loving, (doesn't matter what kind), but I do get frustrated with unrequited love (doesn't matter what kind). But I also realized that not everyone loves the same way, so I need to cut people some slack. It is that whole relationship thing I seem to keep coming back to. I love friends. Love them. To pieces. Relationships are great and wonderful, but they can be work. Sometimes a lot of work, sometimes a little work. I guess I'm just saying that I'm always willing to put in the work. I don't know, that was totally random and maybe it will make more sense tomorrow and I will clarify or something.

Right now I'm going to watch my movie. I also got Boondock Saints, which I love. Okay, if nothing else, it should bring back all kinds of memories from Oxford, and how it seemed to be on in House 9 for like 2 weeks straight for some reason. It was Oxford weather today. I missed being there. Such a completely different time for me. I would love to go again and see things through the eyes I have now. The eyes I had then were totally cool too, I just know I would take away new and great things. There will always be a place in my heart....someday I will be back there.

5 to 9, magnum bars, navy sweats, birks, Que Pasa, Summertown, the market, our balcony.

hours run into days

So I thought I maybe needed a plain blog for today. Today ended up being a pretty nice day overall. I spoke with a dear friend tonight on the phone and it was a bit of a purge for me. It was good. Then I looked for jobs. Found some interesting stuff, I may be saying farewell to Abilene sooner than I had thought. Cross your fingers.

I put a lot of energy into things I have no reason to put energy into. I need to just move on, move in, move over. Whatever. I really don't think about some issues as much as you might think. But anyways, despite my contemplations, and traditional overanalyzation for the day, I took the day with a grain of salt and ate some mac and cheese. I'm watching Jay Leno and actually laughing out loud. I rarely do that. But it is really funny, Hannah (I don't know her last name), the women's snowboarding gold medalist, age 19, she was just totally chill and funny during her interview.

I don't have anything to say about the rest of the day since the last time I wrote. Oh yeah I thought the kissing thought I talked about earlier and giggled to myself. I hope someone else out there did too. It was totally funny and silly. Nothing big, nothing small, just funny and silly. You know, you know. Well I think I might have some stuff to say, but no reason to say it right now. I have no words for articulation.

Big gulps, Eh?

if you want it, here it is, come and get it

Today is a rainy day! But it is actually pretty nice. I'm in a happy mood and that is lovely. Work is quiet, quiet, quiet, but that is okay too. Tomorrow is Friday and that is good. I have no idea what I am doing for the weekend. A percussion ensemble is performing on campus tomorrow night and I was thinking I might go to that, you know Johnny Cash says to get rhythm when you get the blues. I don't particularly have the blues, but I always like rhythm and it will get me out of the house, even if I am going alone.

What else? Not much today. I have that thing again today that I was talking about yesterday, where you just want to blurt something out. Ha. But don't worry, I haven't done it. Maybe later. Maybe not. Maybe I will say it. Maybe I don't have to.

I read my blog from yesterday and laughed about the Grey's Anatomy part. Thinking about kisses is funny and silly and can sometimes make you want it again, or sometimes make you not want it again. Ha! Kissing is one of those things I guess you don't think about too much until it happens, then you can't stop thinking about it, then when you are dating someone it can become like a habit and don't think about it like it is a big deal. You know what I mean? Oh goodness. So kiss someone today if you can and think about how silly and great and awkward it is. Then when someone asks you if you remember the last time you gave/got a kiss you will remember in extreme detail. Ha. I am giggling like a schoolgirl while I write this (at work nonetheless). I am ridiculous, but I don't mind, I hope you don't either. I would talk about it more, but I don't kiss and tell. Well okay, so I did this once, and it turned out really really badly becuase then it started this awful mix-up and made things uber weird and I am the one who ended up getting her feelings hurt--go figure. Have a moment today where you see someone and want to say to them "Is it bad that I really want to kiss you right now?" It will be funny, don't worry; I'm not telling you to necessarily act on it, but maybe it will make you giggle. Just revel in the silliness and beauty and innocence of it. It is kind of nice just to think about it that way. I don't mean go around laying your lips on just anyone or being like out of control lusty--not like that. I think you all know what I mean so I will stop trying to explain myself so much. There is something about that kind of thing that makes you a little shy again. I think you all know what I mean again here, just that schoolyard kind of thing, and it is just fun and silly and nice or something. You know what I mean, when you stomach drops when someone touches your face and kisses you good. Yeaaaahhhh.

Anyways, that was totally random. I will try it too though and see if it makes me feel silly! Ha. I'm glad I'm in a good mood today, its lovely.

I need to look for a job. Eek. Real world here I come. I got so incredibly doomsday about the real world yesterday that it wasn't even funny. But today I feel sort of excited about it I think. Okay, I'm going to do some work or something.

I sang loud to the Beatles today.

how do you bust the clouds

Well another Wednesday come and gone. It is everything I expected and nothing I hoped for. Today was cloudy. This post will probably be all over the place becuase my head is all over the place.

This afternoon I met with my boss at school to find out when exactly the world of unemployment would open its arms to me. Nothing was really decided for certain, but it looks like it could be as early as next Wednesday. See I have this thing about Wednesdays.

Next Thursday afternoon I will be going to College Station to visit Becca. I am excited. Last year we went while she interviewed for grad school, and we also went to some shows during the Northgate Music Festival. Looks like we'll be doing that again only minus the whole grad school interview thing. So if anyone needs a ride to College Station on a Thursday afternoon, lemme know, it will be fun.

This afternoon I said some things as jokes and I think they were taken seriously. Today I experienced some feelings that I would like to write about, but I'm not going to right now. I don't know, sometimes I get to talking about feelings or emotions or reactions and I just go on and on. I think that is becuase I know this is the chance I have to say something, otherwise you'll never know, now will you? There are some occasions that I wish I could be completely candid. But we can't ever really do that huh? Not very ladylike, but sometimes you just want to blurt out what you are thinking, one of those just so you know things. You don't expect a reaction necessarily, but you just have to get it out of your head. I had that today. I will might have it tomorrow too. But I don't expect to be able to say anything. It isn't like it is bad. It is good; well it can be I guess. I don't know. Maybe I will say it.

Remeber that time when we were friends? Yeah, it was awhile ago.

On Grey's Anatomy two weeks ago Meredith said to McDreamy, "I don't remember what it was like the last time we kissed," (or something to that effect). So I'm pretty sure that plenty of people thought back to see if they could remember the last kiss they had received/given and what it was like. Or maybe that was just me, but I would have a hard time believing I was the only one. Meredith and McDreamy's last kiss together was a "comfortable" one, those brief ones that say "I'll see you later," those "I'm leaving for work" ones. We've all had them, we've all loved them, we've all hated them. Do you remember the last kiss you gave/received? I do. I thought of it then (well and obviously I'm thinking of it know) and kind of smiled. I think becuase it was one of those "comfortable type" ones too. But it was a suprise "comfortable type" one, unexpected, and those are almost just as cool as those ones that cause a crack in the planet. Quick, almost effortless, not quite enough time to respond properly to but just enough time to respond sufficiently to. Those that barely interrupt whatever else it is you are doing and fit in the situation no matter how odd the situation might be and they are still comfortable no matter if you will ever kiss that person again. Weird to think about I guess. One of those things you don't think about for too long otherwise you want it again....Ha, or maybe you want it again anyways, I don't know. Thinking about those things are funny to me. This has been a silly paragraph, but it has been kind of fun to write. eek.

I saw and talked to someone today who made me smile. They have always been kind to me though we haven't spent much time together, especially recently, but I truly appreciate the kindness. It seems sincere maybe that is why. I guess they could be fooling me, but I'm not going to be that jaded, just becuase I was fooled before. I have no idea if they read this or not, probably not, so maybe I will say thanks someday for real.

I went to a "lecture" tonight. I liked it. Afterwards I sat at a table for awhile and just wrote everything down that I was thinking in my head, most of which I'm not sure had anything to do with what was said. But it didn't seem to get any more empty. Sometimes I feel so full. I haven't always been like this. Well to a certain extent, but it never used to bother me the way it does now. I don't mind being full, I'm really okay with it, I just mind when being full bothers me. I shouldn't let it anymore. I just kept writing until there were only about 12 people left in the room. Then I realized I was the only person sitting down, and since I had come alone and didn't know anyone in there anymore I figured I might should leave. There was one sentence said tonight that served as a bit of a "thought catalyst" for me. I think I just related to what the person was saying they had felt. That was nice to experience.

I rode in my car and yelled. Sometimes I like to yell.

I don't think I have anything else to say. I'm sure I could think of something, but this has been all over the place anyways, so I will stop.

i've had my run

I worked at the Arrangemnet today and the whole day we listened to the Micheal Buble "It's time" album. When I walked in this morning the song "Home" was playing. To me it is sad and happy at the same time. But the whole thing was just weird because one of the hosts at Sing Song sang that and it made me cry...both times I saw it performed!! I know, I know. But it was just weird. It caught me off guard.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. Oh Wednesday, what am I going to do with you? Buck up I guess. Mize is leaving tomorrow, which will be sad. We watched Elizabethtown last night and it brought back a lot of memories for me. Memories of the first time I saw it at the movie theatre in October and everything that was going on with me then. I felt so weird. There were things in that movie that I guess I tried to relate to or maybe that I just placed significance on. Weird how we do that. Now with those things, I know what significance I put there and its not the same becuase things have changed, things have been said, things have been done, etc. I don't know. My brain is kind of tired. Maybe I will say more later.

I'm just too far.

cozy in a rocket

Well, I survived the weekend. Not like it was going to be work or anything, but it was busy. It started Friday in the freezing cold when I found Mize outside of Moody and I squealed. Then it got better when we went to the airport and picked up Mary Beth. Then it got even more awesome when the three of us went to Cracker Barrel and met Linds, Camille, Rosalyn, Becca and Emily. Wow. I know, I'm still pretty excited too. I ate really really fast and went to Sing Song to work Diva Central. It was pretty quiet in there so I went and watched part of the show. Then I went to the Perry's where Kylie and Eric were! Yay. After that Mize and I went to Wal-Mart to get tissue paper and ended up staying for about 45 minutes in the CDs where we scanned the barcodes and listened to the 3 sample songs and 1 video from each one. Then we danced up and down the aisles. I did the Beyonce walk and dance and a woman walking by saw me and gave me a funny look. Mize nearly passed out laughing and so did I, but I did not care becuase it was awesome anyways.

Saturday was Camille's lingerie shower and then we all just ran around and did some errands. Dinner at Abuelo's and Sing Song, which I'm sure all of you have heard about the scoring debacle. Ha. Oh man. So weird. Sunday was another brunch and then a lazy day. Mize and I went to a lecture thing at the Bean Sprout, "U2 and the Psalms: From Rage to Ecstacy." Homer Hiccolm and the Rocketboys played the music and there was a speaker and I found it to be pretty interesting. There were a ton of people in there and it was out of control hot, but good. People I haven't seen in awhile, people I didn't know at all, young people, parent-type people, people I remain to be uncomfortable around and people who suprised me with their friendliness and conversation and likewise people who suprise me with their unfriendliness. Oh, people! Tonight is a similar lecture about the movie Crash. I might go even though I haven't seen the movie yet.

Ummmm, thats really it. Well, my level of unemployment is becoming increasingly greater, and may be even more so as of the end of this week. We will have to see. The real-real wolrd is running in my direction and I pretty much freaked out about it yesterday, but then told myself there was nothing I could do until I found out for sure so I might as well chill. Having my friends here was great. I haven't felt excitement and happiness like that in awhile. There is just something abot having your bests around that is satisfying, especially after the week I had two weeks ago and the "sad silence" post. So for a few days, I don't have any sad silence. Thank goodness. I miss my friends dearly. I get lonesome. It was a good weekend though. Very good.

I think I'm done for right now. I have nothing to reflect on at the moment. Tomorrow it is supposed to be 72 degrees and I like that. Wednesday is after Tuesday and we know how I feel about Wednesdays. But for right now it is Monday and I am good.

i want to stand and stare again

disclaimer: I don't know how I fully feel about this post, but I wrote it anyways. I may go back and edit it, so keep that in mind when you are reading it. Sorry.


Today I decided that I don't much care for Wednesdays. At least for the time being. I never really have if I think about it, but for different reasons than now. This Wednesday was a beautiful day, sunny and warm and just nice. I went in to work at school today and my happiness slowly drained out of me, to when I went home I was sad and lonely and bummed out. I don't know why. Maybe I just wanted to be enjoying the day outside and I spent some time at the computer, and in the car. Tomorrow will be nice too, maybe I will take my lunch to the park.

Silence got to me today. It got to me on the inside. I wasn't sure what to make of it, if I was supposed to make anything of it, and it made me feel sad. You know how some silence can be satisfying or weird or just is. Today the silence I experienced changed. At first it was an okay comfortable kind of silence, then it changed to a sort of uncomfortable kind of silence--the kind you just want to walk away from, then it changed in one fail swoop to the kind you would slit your throat to aviod. (maybe thats a little extreme, but I think you get my point) It was the last silence that made me so sad. And maybe the silence never really changed, I just made too much of the silence. Probably, I generally do. But it still made me sad. You think that you find a friend, someone things are nice with, but then things change and things get sad. At least for me. Losing friends makes me sad even though it is undoubtedly inevitable. You think you have some sort of connection with a person (whatever kind: intellectual, spiritual, whatever) then you get sad silence. Weird, sad, you-are-pushing-me-away-again-this-has-happened-before, why do i even care, why is this weird, friend losing silence. But I'm thinking too much again. Story of my life. I should just go.

edit: So I thought about it, and I thought: instead of thinking that I'm losing a friend, I should just remember that it is a busy time of year for everyone. Evyerone is stressed and busy and sick, especially this week with everything going on. So I thought I should chalk it up to that. It makes me sad to think of losing friends, so I think I will try to think about silence in a less sad way, and hope that I'm not losing that things just are. That will help.

This morning I was thinking while watching Say Anything: Why is it that some people you just can't be mean to? You just can't ignore? As much as you would like to sometimes, for some reason you can't. And no matter how they treat you, you just can't not want to be nice to them. You can't bring yourself to treat them the way they have treated you, to treat them with the same disregard as that you recieve. For whatever reason. Who knows. Then there are those people who you probably deserve to be treated poorly by and they just keep treating you nicely. Funny how that works. Gets me everytime.

This post has been random and weird and I'm sorry it just hit me and I needed to say it.

I'm getting golf clubs. And I'm glad.

edit: Speaking of golf clubs. Yesterday and today (well and the past year really) I have been constantly reminded by this little tugging in my heart of the things I have yet to fulfill spiritually. Not things for myself necessarily, but I have just felt lost as to how whatever talents I have can be used for ministry. I know and have known for awhile (I seriously considered picking up a Bible/ministry minor sophomore year but the 2 majors seemed overwhelming enough at that point) that I want ministry to be a part of my life and my career. And I know that the way we live our lives can be a ministry, but for me that is not enough. I've been praying for direction and I know that it will be clear at some point, but it is like I am waiting for something to click.

Last Wednesday afternoon, my little corner of the world came crashing down around me, and I was a basketcase (ask my co-workers). And the catalyst was something small, but it seemed so huge to me at that point, and I couldn't see past it. I guess that is the nature of personal problems. I read the scriptures on love and friendship and perseverance through trials, I mean I tried every tried and true section of the Bible I could think of and then started referencing the index and covered just about every topic I felt like was related to my grief. Things improved during the weekend, my Dad came through town and I needed that I think. I was thankful.

Then Sunday came and I was told a sad sad story of a terrible accident and all I wanted to do was cry. I cried for her, for her family and friends and I think I cried for myself a little too becuase I felt so incredibly selfish. I know that may not make sense, but thats what I felt, I was almost embarassed because I had been so worked up a few days prior and was again reminded of how easy it is to lose sight of things. It happened again yesterday. At the flower shop, there was an order going to a room in Hendrick Hospital and what we were supposed to write on the card was "Happy Valentine's Day, I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you." and I was an emotional mess (exhaustion also contributing I'm sure) from then on out. I know those two instances (the accident and the card) really may have nothing to do with getting myself out of my comfortable place and helping others or just helping raise awareness of the general population to injustices that we become blind to, but both with both instances I couldn't shake the strong feelings I had to want to make a change. Something. Anything.

Last week when I was putting my corner back together or just surveying the damage I said to a friend "there has to be more to life than this." Thats how I feel right now. Just frustrated becuase I am in between.

This ended up being incredibly long and jumpy. But I don't know, people who read this are my friends and I figure you want to know these things about me. And if you didn't, well you just got a ton of information. ha. It exhausted me.

Back to the silence.

every rose has its thorn

15 hour work-day.
tired, but satisfied.
tomorrow is tuesday, another busy, busy flower day.
rode a ticked-out pink bike around dowtown abilene trying to sell flowers.
the best ride of my life.
laughed.
made TWO flower arrangements for delivery (not much but i'm new).
got glitter up my nose.
drank bubba cola and ate choclaty white-walls (spelling is correct to the packaging...)
stabbed myself with a thorn and bled profusely.
giggled.
declared that i preferred st. patrick's day to st. valentine's day.
tied a ton of ribbons.
the sound of the phones at work are ringing in my head.
yawned.

more later, i'm sleepy. yay. i have things to say about last week. so much, but not enough really. it is okay though, i am okay though. more flowers tomorrow, more crazy men making last minute purchases tomorrow. if they only understood how easy it is to pre-order and how happy flowers can make a person in their life (mother, wife, sister, daughter, girlfriend, aunt, cousin, whoever.....). i think it is amazing how people just glow a little bit when giving or recieving gifts straight from creation (well i mean not THE creation, but i think you know what i'm saying).

it is nice.

something happened on the way to heaven

Part of me wants to go back and read some old posts that I've written. But another part of me refuses to let myself do that for fear of feeling ridiculous. Part of me loves Wednesdays and part of me hates them.

Today more than ever in the past 3 months or so I have felt completely misunderstood. Funny thing is I know why that is, but I really don't feel like I can say anything about it to clear it up. Do you ever feel like someone think they "get" you only to realize (slowly or quickly) that they completely missed the mark? It is quite possibly my own fault. Maybe I'm not misunderstood. I could only be showing people what I think they want to see, but what is the point in that???? Nothing. There is no point in that. But at the same time people have to be patient and put out the effort to "get" you. Maybe I don't want to be gotten, or maybe I'm just choosy about who I let "get" me. I don't know. (I suppose it is all about the construction of identity, thank you Dr. Bill Rankin).

I take that back. I want to be gotten. I want someone to get me, or maybe I just want someone to want to get me. Or at least get where I'm at right now and get the fact that I won't always be that way. Not that I'm even sure where I'm at right now, but they could at least try. It is funny how we choose who we want to "get" us. What if they don't want to "get" us, or want to try to "get" us. Then we are disappointed. I think I am disappointed. Over the years I've let a few friendships get my hopes up at something stable, only to realize that a) I was being fooled, b) the other person wasn't interested in "getting," c) my belief that people have good intentions is overestimating the general population, d) I generally put more effort into sustaining relationships than other people. (I'm not jaded, I just had a rough final 20 minutes of my workday). Wow, this is seriously making me emotional. But I want to be gotten in the sense that it is okay that people don't fully "get" me becuase I don't know if that is possible for anyone to be completely "gotten," and in the sense that what they do take is from me, not about me from someone else through another person who talked to me. "Getting" is progressive. Maybe I just want to be given a fair shot, and it makes me sad more than mad when I don't get that, and I know that I've been shorted before, and the reasons were always asinine. I guess I just try not to do that to others, and I would like the same in return. But it is probably partially my own fault when that happens. Discretion is the key word.

I don't want to write anymore, my thoughts are jumbled and I have no place for them to get sorted out. I'll probably remove this or change it later, but I just needed to get a few thoughts down and typing doesn't make my hand hurt as quickly as writing does.

Tomorrow is another new day, with new conversations, new interactions, new thoughts.

I had a little cry. I am heartsick.

i do believe its true

I don't really have much to say. I greened vases all day today and yesterday at a flower shop. I am working on two loads of laundry right now, and I am looking forward to sleeping in, even if it is just an extra hour, tomorrow morning.

Working at a flower shop makes you realize that some people have an eye for shape, color, space, etc.; some have an eye that can be trained, and others are just blind or cycloptic (I don't know if that is a real world but I think it sounds okay). I have found that I am somewhere between choice A and B. Greening vases (putting in the initial greenery a.ka. the leaves) does not look that complicated neither does it seem that complicated when you start out. But when your Marilyn vase (yes that is the name of the vase, I'm sure you can guess its namesake as well as shape...its actually my favorite) ends up looking as unruly as Bob Marley's dreads after 45 minutes of clipping and strategically placing pieces of greenery, you get a little frustrated. I finally got the hang of it yesterday and was old hat today. Though poor Daphne, another girl, well 40 year old woman really, working there couldn't ever quite get it. At first hers were all too short, and mine were all too tall and wild. Maybe that says something about our personalities. Ha. So anyways, my floral eye is becoming more focused and I like it.

Tomorrow is another new day. Another Wednesday, how are we already at Wednesday?? Where does my time go, and how do I spend it? I don't know and somewhat alone. I watched a new TV show tonight, Love Monkey on CBS. It is about Tom, a record label executive who leaves his big wig label and joins an indie label. I like it. Lots of funny nuances and great little music and sports quips here and there. Tonight he referred to someone as a "conversational cul-de-sac," and I'm pretty sure we all know a few of those. I thought it was funny.

Okay so I just went and changed out my laundry. A few things about laundry. It is slightly gross when people don't clean of the lint catcher. Besides getting all linty, they tend to get slightly hairy. Ew. Secondly, I put clothes from the washer into the dryer. I remembered my quarters, but forgot my dryer sheets. I suppose I could have just left it alone, just let them dry without dryer sheets, but I'm sorry I need that Snuggle goodness in my life. So what do I do? I go downstairs and walk over to the laundry room once with the quarters and put the clothes in the dryer (here is when I realize the missing dryer sheets) walk back to my apartment, get dryer sheets, traipse back downstairs and to the laundry room and get the job done. Third, walking around my apartment complex at night creeps me out a little. Especially when I'm only weilding two Snuggle dryer sheets and my own brute strength. Yeah, I am laughing too. All of that work for good smelling laundry. I can probably be classified in the neurotic category for the OCD laundry move, but I'm okay with it I think.

I told you I didn't have much to say today.

never wanted to be your dancing shoes

bored silly.
watched the oc and audibly said "NO!" at the end.
took a field trip to wal-mart to pass some time.
they don't sell journals at wal-mart.
felt let down for some reason, still haven't figured out why.
ran until it hurt; it still hurts.
wanted to be around you; wanted you to want to be around me.
need a hug.
need a smoke.
need a movie.
heard the sexy song again and wondered if i was sexy too;
thought about how sexy is a funny word and a little bit taboo. (just call me dr. seuss)
wanted to ask you questions; wanted you to ask me questions.
wondered why neither party doesn't just walk away.
thought about why; didn't come up with anything.
typed a bunch of incomplete sentences.
oy.
wanted to hear what you always say to me when stuff happens.
thought about the super bowl.
can't figure out why i wanted so much today.
remembered i can't always have what i want when i want it.
felt dumb for wanting in the first place.
feel dumber for writing all of this.
told myself i was being silly.
said a little prayer.
i wish it wasn't so quiet in here.

i am an island

This week I am complacent. Or at least I'm telling myself that I am. I have done nothing to look for a job and I am pretty sure my tone of voice has been "pleasantly annoyed" all week. Sorry about that. I will run after work and I will sweat and that will make me feel better and I will be nice again.

Something that just rubs me the wrong way is when people don't follow through. And I'm irrevocably guilty. I have dropped the ball plenty of times when it comes to following through, just not on the big things like school, preventing nuclear wars, etc. But I don't think that is where it matters. It is the little things like telling people you will send them a card, or write them an email or give them a phone call or drop by to say hi. Maybe those "little" things have an effect on me becuase they remind me that I've got company while I'm trying to just get through. I don't know. I've just been thinking about that recently. So I'm going to try to follow through more effectively. Maybe it is just my need for socialization that has reminded me that I love receiving those gestures, so I should worry less about receiving them and worry more about giving them. I will be your company if you will have me.

What else? Not much really. It is a beautiful day outside, and I wish this desk was closer to the curb. A new OC tonight. It will be great. I'm listening to Eisley right now. Hmmmm, I think I'm fresh out of things to say. I would like to go home now. 1 hour and 45 minutes left though. I have begun to doubt my ability to make it through. Ah, it just hit me, I have a feeling about what I need (or maybe it is a want) and I'm pretty sure I know who can help me out with that. Interesting. Something to think about. But not too much. Maybe I will write more later if I am bored.

An island never cries.