do a little bit more service and repair

Techinically it is the last day of the year. Well, 2 hours into it anyways. I have no idea why I am still awake, I've just been regurgitating memories and thinking things over the past 40 minutes or so. Why? Who knows. Becuase that is what I do when I'm bored, I overanalyze, or just analyze, I haven't decided which is more applicable to the current situation.

So I know this is absolutely ridiculous. But today I read something on someone's Facebook wall, and what was written and the person it was from made me feel weird about my connection to the first someone. I know this is completely ambiguous, but I can't be much more specific without probably embarassing myself or at least losing some face (save some face, you know you've only got one). So what I read shouldn't bother me, for several reasons. I don't even know the intentions of the writer, I don't know the writer's current connection to the owner of the wall, and I don't know how the owner will respond. Next, it shouldn't bother me becuase I'm not supposed to care that way. Not in the "what-does-that-mean?"-weird feeling-in-my-stomach-please-God-make-me forget-about-this-becuase-I-know-it-is-
doing-nothing- for-me kind of way. And especially if the owner of the wall wouldn't get that same "what-does-that-mean?"-weird-feeling......about me. UGH.

It is a matter of self-preservation. As much as I live to and want to fully not care about that kind of thing, to not care if my feelings are unrequited, I can't help it. I don't want to look back on any feelings about anyone and think about my wasted heart. Maybe I am wasting my heart by not just letting it run it's course, even though it has the strong potential to completely suck emotionally. I mean it sort of has already. Maybe I got that weird feeling for no reason. I just got jumpy becuase I don't know if it is for no reason, and I don't think I will know for a little while. I guess it is just uncertainty on my status. But that is okay, maybe I will not care in "that" way anymore. I am sure I am overanalyzing, which is no fun. And makes you feel even worse when you are pretty sure the other end isn't overanalyzing. When you're pretty sure the other end isn't even thinking about it, or concerned about the status the way you are. I am spilling my guts here. I probably shouldn't becuase I am making myself sound nutso. But being at my parents' house tends to leave me with a lot of free time to over-think life. I hope I don't read this in a few days and think to myself "get a grip."

I don't know. Check me in.

all the colors mix together

Day 7 at my parents' house. Nothing is new, nothing is old, everything just is. I will be heading back to Abilene either tomorrow or Saturday, though I have a rather bleak outlook at this point. Which is odd becuase a few hours ago I was singing "No big deal, I'm a big girl, I can handle it," tune. Now I'm singing a different verse that goes "Woe is me, I'll be all alone, I'm probably spending New Year's alone watching a movie; what will I do for 3 months by myself??" Granted I won't be completely by myself for 3 months, there will be one of my "freshman year best friends" left. I guess I need to strike out and find some new buddies, or at least continue building something with buddies I started building with last semester. This would be the point when someone tells me to "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it." I'm dealing, I swear.

If you asked me to describe my emotions to you right now I don't think I could. They are just all jumbled and weird and they give me a headache behind my eyes. I'm usually not this whiny, I promise, it is just the weather, and I will be over it soon. I just need out, you know. This city's made us crazy and we must get out. I pray for patience.

I think I'm going to Austin Jan. 6-10. I'm looking forward to it. I love it there. It is such a fun city, I'm going to a few shows at Emo's on Saturday night, hopefully hear some great new music, I can't wait. Just what I need. Those are really the only plans I have, oh and to eat at Matt's El Rancho to get Bob Armstrong dip, and also to go to the Drag and visit Urban, Texadelphia and get a pink lemonade Tyler's shirt And of course I will be venturing to Barton Creek and the Arboretum for some serious browsing, heaven (and my bank account) knows I don't need to do any buying. But looking is just as fun. Hopefully I will come back to Abilene on the 10th with a new found glory, ready to start this part-time temporary job. Killer.

I read my 2006 horoscope online tonight. It was generally upbeat. I always think horoscopes are funny, becuase you can read whatever you want into them, especially if you are at the dentist and you pick up one from last month, and you are like "Oh my gosh, that totally happened! Remember on the 15th?? It was totally Venus in my sign that made my relationships rocky, but as Water sign I pulled through and focused on Mars entering my orbit on the 20th." So anyways, that was the funniest thing I have done today, I checked my general overview, my romantic overview, my career overview and found a few zodiac love matches. Any Leos or Aquarius out there? (here is where you sing "Age of Aquarius"). On that note, I will break for the night, gone to watch either The Incredibles, which I adore, or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, which I haven't seen. I hope your planetary stars align.

eyes wide open

It is late. Here is my theory: the longer I stay awake at night, the less time I am awake during the day. Therefore, the less time I feel I have to find something to do around here during the daylight hours.

Andrews is slow moving....still, big suprise, and last night was the first time I tried my theory. It worked. Granted I was a little sick today so I laid low anyways, but still. I think my mom was/is upset that I am not staying through the New Year here. Maybe I am being selfish. I don't know, I enjoy being at home, yet I'm not going to lie, I get bored, and if I were to stay here for New Year's I would be alone. Seriously. Now chances are I might be alone if I go back to Abilene too, but at least I might have better odds of finding something to do. Here I'm fresh out of luck, and of people I know. I'm not really complaining, I've come to terms with the fact that, like Ashley said, I come "house" not home.

I don't have much to say today, so rejoice in the short read. I apologize for writing so much all the time. At least recently I've been trying to catch up so they will be shorter.

I have decided that in the spring when I am making money (although I should save it) there are some things I want to do. One weekend I will go to Boston and go to a Red Sox game during which I will eat a hot dog. Duh. I love baseball, I love baseball stadiums, they are so alive. The feeling I get in those places is fantastic. I have always wanted to go to Boston and Fenway Park, so much history, so much life, you get to just breathe it in. Elvis was on the radio today and that inspired me to visit Memphis and Graceland. I have never been the Tennessee at all, and everyone is always saying how great it is, so why not do the Elvis thing while I'm there. I suppose you haven't lived until you've visited Graceland. Plus I like Elvis, he makes me think of my Grandaddy (so does Buddy Holly), and I've heard Memphis is quite nice. I would also like to go to the new International Spy Museum in D.C. becuase I just think it sounds cool. Spy stuff, who doesn't love spy stuff??? And I would like to go back to the Museum of Natural Science. So I've got three places so far. All east of here. The makings of a great travel log, and some awesome pictures. I can't wait.

part deux: i'm sleeping my way out of this one

I took a killer nap today.

Andrews, TX, is just that. Nothing too special, although there is a movie theatre here now and I saw The Chronicles of Narnia two nights ago with my mom. I loved it, I wanted to hug Aslan myself, I thought he looked so real. Other than that, it smells like crude oil here, but that is nothing new (some people say "Smells like money!!!" which out here, it really does...); went to Sonic, and wrapped Christmas gifts. In animal news around the Bass household, the kitty, Buddy (I didn't name him), attacked me yesterday morning then proceeded to eat a hole in my red and green flannel pillowcase. What a jerk. Well I will have the last laugh when his litterbox is festive the next day or two (good thing it is not my job to scoop).

Next on the list. Well I don't know, thats really been my life the past week and a half or so. For those who care, things with Guy settled I guess. We haven't spoken much since the break, which I have mixed reviews about. I'm trying things this way (whatever this way is) and thinking about how it sucks to even have to be concious of things like this instead of "just being." I know that may make no sense at all, but maybe one day it will to at least one of you.

What else did I spout off about in my previous blogs? Ha, not a lot, sorry about that, I just get consumed. Personal relationships are a huge priority for me. I do not know how I would function without other people, despite the fact that I adore "my time." I believe that to a certain extent other defines self, and without knowing other how can you expect to know self? Maybe that is why people are so important to me, I know that through those relationships I am opened to so many new things about myself, the world, that person; maybe I am just too curious by nature. Other people affect me on all kinds of levels and even though it is hard and painful sometimes, I would not have it any other way. I love my friends, the close ones, the ones I lose contact with, the ones I only know a little bit about, and the ones I am still getting to know. I am one of those believers in "people come into your life for a reason;" I do not think that people just come in and out--although there are definately entrances and exits. The feeling of a connection with someone is exhilierating to me. I know you have all had it. Something just clicks. That feeling is exciting, something new to explore, I relish in it. I was lucky enough to have that this past semester, granted there were/are/I don't know some rocks, but I found a new connection with someone. Even when I was completely closed off to new connections, becuase to be perfectly honest I had been. I did not want to mess with it. But God knew I needed otherwise I guess. Once again shaken not stirred. I thank God for being relational and making us that way too.

HUGE tangent. But maybe you got something out of it. Maybe I just needed to say all of that, I spending time alone this week has caused me to be self-reflective ad nauseum. I'm okay with it though.

Today is Christmas and going to church this morning, I'm not sure what I expected, maybe more Christmas-y birth of Jesus type things, but I didn't get any of that. I mean the message was still good: forgiveness. I could spend a few paragraphs discussing forgiveness in my life. But that can be for some other time. The song leader picked songs all in the 300's within about 10 pages of each other, all sort of droned on a bit, but it was funny "Number 356.....Number 347 ." So on and so forth. I was thinking about the service when I was sitting in it and thought it didn't fit the Christmas-y mood, but that was okay. I think I just need some good old holiday songs that aren't "Rudolph." Speaking of holiday songs, at Highland in Abilene, Mike Cope was doing a series on Christmas hymns. I was able to catch one of them (the series started between Thanksgiving and the last week of school) and thought it was interesting and different. I enjoy the histories of songs, the one that morning was "What Child is This?" and apparently the tune is from a popular tavern song talking about cider and dirnking and women. Weird how the "new" verses just stuck. I love how even the "Jesus" Christmas songs have permeated popular culture (how many covers of "Oh Holy Night" have we heard--thank you Mariah Carey and Jessica Simpson) but we don't really think of them as"church" songs or "praise" songs. But they are right?

Okay sorry that was a weird tangent, but I've missed hearing those songs this year. Maybe I need to break out some old Christmas tapes and listen while I still have 3 hours left on the Christmas clock.

The "real world" starts January 3.

Merry Christmas to all my loves. Yes, I'm talking to you.

part 1: i keep a close watch on this heart of mine

So it has been about 10 days since the last time I "blogged." I have fully slacked despite the fact that I have most definately had the time to write. I just did not have the drive I guess. I want to change some things up a bit, I will keep up the "dear diary" type entries I'm sure, but I've had a hankering to try my hand at music reviews, cultural commentary, current events, that sort of thing. Bear with me please, I need to get it out of my system. Maybe I will just incorporate changes into regular blog type entires, so they are in disguise. Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled programming: here is a debriefing since Dec. 14.

Kylie got married!!! Yes, she is now Kylie Lyons and her wedding weekend was wonderful (ugh, sorry, I'm gagging on the alliteration too). She truly was the beautiful bride. I had the pleasure of coordinating the wedding for her, a job which I had no idea I would enjoy so much! I loved it, and suprisingly (or not) I could see myself pursuing it as at least a part-time career. You never know when you might need some extra work.

As wedding nazi, I told everyone when to line up and "go" if you will, and something that will stick in my mind is Eric in the hallway or emotion just prior to the ceremony. We had the groom, parents, grandparents, friends and relatives so emotions were high. But it was gorgeous, and seeing Eric before and then watching the ceremony (which I cried throughout) I was hit hard with how powerful the love we can find is. And simply the fact God even gives us that opportunity is phenomenal. The love we can find in a life-partner, should reflect the love God shows us. Don't get me wrong, I know it is no where near as perfect, it is work, but that is okay--I want that kind of work. You should all see that I am a hopeless romantic, I believe in love and the power of love under the best and worst circumstances. I do not think anything that happens to me will change my heart in that sense. And seeing them take their vows, you know there will be rough spots, times when things aren't so picturesque, but my heart (and tears) still swelled just becuase of the love you could feel between them; and you know they will be okay no matter what. They have not only love but a faith and a relationship founded in what it is supposed to be, and that is enough to keep anybody going.

The wedding was great, I'm so thankful to have been a part of it and to have Kylie and Eric in my life as friends. I headed back to Abilene and it was quiet. But good. I loved being by myself this past week, but it was bittersweet, some days I was content being alone, yet I still wanted someone around. Funny how that works. Update on the Christmas house across the street: small archways were added alond the sidewalk leading to the big archway that you walk under, a white plastic light up Christmas tree, candy canes along the front walk and net lights on the bushes. Hopefully by the time I return to my apartment, there will be a family of snow-people, 6 more reindeer, a sleigh that actually moves across the lawn and possibly an inflatable Mrs. Claus to keep old Santa company. Maybe some animatronic elves? Yes, please.

On that note: It is Christmas Eve. I can't believe it, where has my year gone? Okay, thats it, really. Tonight is always so exciting, no matter how old I get. I wish it was snowing. Santa flies tonight.

lights will guide you home

As you approach the turn-in to my apartment, you may see a glow. One glow comes from the parking lot light (about 4 jillion yellow kilowatts of pure city power) which in turn requires me to have blackout curtains in order to sleep without feeling like I live in Alaska in the winter (here is where you make reference to the movie Insomnia). Really the curtains are navy-blue, but you get my point. The other, more etheral glow comes from lower to the ground. What could that heavenly light be you ask? Try the monstrocity that is two yard reindeer, flashing Christmas balls hanging from a decripid tree, a plastic archway lined with lights and your friendly neighborhood inflatable Santa Claus. And this is mild.

Lets get one thing straight, I love Christmastime, I truly do (and I love the way Christmastime looks spelled out). But really, there is no need to ransack your neareast K-Mart garden-area-that-turns-into-the Holiday-decorations-section every Novemeber in order to one-up the entire neighborhood. Funnier still is the fact that the other decripid tree in the yard has been neglected flahsing Christmas ball privileges and is only allowed shiny balls with glitter swirls and stripes. No other house on the street has lights in any capacity, although if you make a right two blocks down you will find inflatable Santa's friend the Abominable Snowman from everyone's favorite holiday classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (the version where his nose lights up and kind of screeches at you in a testing-1,2,3-oh-your-mike-got-way-too-close-to the-speaker-and-deafened-the-audience kind of way. You all know what I mean and we love it anyways.) But don't worry, the Santa and friends are only inflated and properly lit after 6 p.m.

Now the yard I see from my lovely balcony is nice, but it is a lame attempt at Christmas cheer compared to the house you may see (who am I kidding, if you miss it you don't have eyes) driving down Campus Court near the new dorm on campus. You probably all know which house I speak of, but let me just give you a picture. There are probably a good 4000 lights on a small white house. They line the chain-link fence, the roofline, the yard, the sidewalks. The lights are accompanied by plastic reindeer, snowmen, Santas, the whole nine yards. It is truly something to marvel at. It flashes and spins and you half expect the house to take off. You stop at the 4-way stop sign and can't help but stare. That my friends is Christmas cheer.

I will say these houses always make me smile. Even though I may think they are a little tacky, or overdone, it just wouldn't be the holidays without them. Seriously, the house near Campus Court looks that way every Christmas and has since I moved here when I was 11. You can't help but love it.

I have no other news really. Its been awhile since my last "post" and a lot has gone through my head. I will save it for another day. I'm leaving for Kylie's wedding weekend after I get off work today and I could not be more excited. Well minus the packing part. It will be busy, but it will be great. So until I return to Abilene on Sunday, rest well, stay warm, listen to good music and find as many inflatable holiday toys in your city/town/Indian village as possible. Love it.

i possibly seem crazy

Okay, so reading the past blogs has been interesting. I have been pouring my little heart out. Thanks for humoring me by reading about it.

So I thought way too hard about things probably, but thats just something I'm cursed with. I mean is there anyone out there who wouldn't overthink that situation, it being all full of strange interactions and no complete conversation? Well some of you probably wouldn't think anything about it, but just bear with me. Just sucks when you feel like you are being pushed away or ignored or whatever. I hate having ruffled feathers with anybody, I just like things to be good, so when something like this happens I probably try too hard to make it right again. So I'm just sitting on the situation. Thats the only thing I know to do, I don't know how to try to be this person's friend becuase it doesn't seem like they want to talk to me or be around me, so I'm not exactly sure what to do. I'm not sure how receptive they are, etc, etc. Thats all. I think someday things will be regular again. I'm sorry if I've been saying the same thing over and over again. Its just been on the brain and what can you do?

I took my very last final today. It was the weirdest thing ever. 18th Century British Literature, and it ate my lunch. I mean I think I did fine, but it was hard and took some serious time to finish. But I did! Then I went and got my graduation "regalia" (I think that is a funny word) which was surreal, not to mention expensive. I talked to a teacher about grad schools today, I'm growing up and I'm terrified. I'm pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown last night from stress and emotions and reality in general. I would give details, but I think the description sounds pathetic and I would hate to add that to my slowly deteriorating image here on blogger. I hope you people know I'm not nuts, just overly concerned about my relationships with others becuase I think relationships just make things more worthwhile, and a little emotional about the whole "welcome to the rest of your life" kind of thing. Enter nervous breakdown and frantic praying. I'm not one to usually pray out loud when I'm alone, but I grabbed Beary and held on for dear life while I prayed out loud last night. I prayed for calm, for comfort and I apologized profusely for trying to do this thing alone. I also prayed for me not to weird out so much, for things to snap back into perspective and for other people in my life (yeah I know, DUH, how come I haven't been taking full advantage of that one for the past week and a half??). Its been a long time since I realized how powerful prayer was. I really have to work on that. It calmed me down a lot.

Then I had a splitting headache and proceeded to recognize that I still had HOURS of studying to do.

Me and Ashley tried Denny's, but alas everyone in there was annoying the heck out of us. It seemed like the people in the kitchen couldn't stop dropping the metal spatulas or something and the other people there "studying" sounded a lot like the Wicked Witch of the West when they laughed. It was a full on cackle. After two cokes and two coffees we gave up, drove through Whataburger (which was deserted) and came back to my house where we tried working but both ended up doing some sleeping. It all came out in the wash though.

My nose is a little stuffy because it is freezing cold outside so I've started with the sudafed. Its so funny to go and buy that now; They take your driver's license and your fingerprints and do a blood test and make you walk the line and do a background check and ask you for your great-aunt's maiden name. All so they can make sure you are not a drug czar wanting the generic sudafed so you run your meth lab in a double wide outside the city limits in order to fund excursions to small South American villages. Well really they just need your driver's lisence, but it sure did take forever. I also got anti-viral Kleenex, cough syrup and NyQuil, which I've never taken before, but sometimes when I'm stuffy I have trouble sleeping, so maybe that will help?

Okay I have a runny nose and I'm going to eat some soup and get ready to watch Lost. I cannot wait. It will be sublime. I hope everyone is keeping warm tonight, I'm going to sit on my couch and be snug as a bug in my puffy leopard print comforter. Try not to be too jealous. Sidenote: I keep hearing this sound from the next apartment over and it sounds like someone is taking a jackhammer to their toilet or something. Having some real issues I guess. Ew. Lots of wintery love.

chuck taylors: those are what i'm wearing today

Final #2 is out of the way. It only took 20 minutes! I officially became "crinkled scantron girl" but thats okay. I was really embarassed to turn in my test actually becuase my scantron was so crinkly. Oh well, that just means it has personality right?

I studied hard at Denny's last night, where for the second time yesterday I ran into Brandon and Josh. It seems to be one of those things where you all of the sudden start running into the same people over and over. We saw each other earlier in the evening at Starbucks. It was a good thing though, I do not mind running into those boys, they make me smile and they are always sweet and I think that is great. I have been around them a bit the past few weeks, and that is fun!.

Another funny thing about Starbucks. So HE was there right? We know who I'm talking about, at least we should. Anyways, I go to study and this is after I get a really sweet email from him saying that he really hopes I'm not upset with him that he has had the best time with me and hopes that won't change. (The feeling is mutual.) He also hopes I can understand what he means when he says he doesn't think we should be more than friends. Which I do understand, I'm not socially inept. What I don't understand is his need to make such a vivid declaration of his lack of whatever for me. Its okay really, I was just under the impression we had established the lack of "dating" already and more than anything I feel like this whole thing is hurting the friendship. It is just way out of control and thats the fault of both parties. So thats the pretense of Starbucks. I'm sitting down, hadn't seen him and his friends sitting there, hear someone come up to me, I look up and guess who. I think I probably looked like I was going to throw up on him. He talks to me, its good. He was worried that I "hated" him. Which is no where near the truth and I told him that. I proceed to tell him that I just didn't understand why he felt like he needed to make the sort of decision that he did, the way he did when we had already established it wasn't an issue. He said he didn't want me to ever feel like I was led on. I said I didn't, but that I didn't think it was the time/place to talk about it and could we just finish later? He said eventually, I said when, he said he didn't like to talk about things after he had stated them, but knew that was unfair to me, and said we'd talk about it.

I study, think I do fairly well on my exam, HE and I proof each other's papers, which was super helpful, I'm so glad the teacher said we could do that. Then he jets out. This morning I get some IMs from him, and you know it was probably just me, but it just felt odd. Like awkward and weird and civil as opposed to friendly, but like I said it very well could have been me just being overly sensitive to the situation. And me, always wanting to fix things says "can we straighten things out before christmas?" He says he doesn't know what there is to straighten out, that he doesn't see us together and it is as simple as that, that I can't understand, that I WON'T understand, but yeah sometime we'll talk. That was it. I wanted to say, "I get it. I understand the decision, I just don't understand why you felt the need to make it when I thought we were just being friends. It wasn't even an issue. What I don't get is why you say you don't want things to change at all. Before all this weird mess we spent time together, now we aren't doing that." To me that is "change." It's easy I promise, just hang out with me, just talk to me. Its cool. Before I felt like I could call him or whatever and it wouldn't be a big deal, now I'm honestly worried to becuase I think I will get ignored or blown off or thought to be a stalker or something. Yeah right.

I was so upset I was shaking. And maybe it was the culmination of stress and a late night, and high emotions becuase I am graduating, but it just shook me up. I was shaking all the way through my final, and I teared up when I was walking out. I know, I'm being so emotional, but I just need to know that everything is fine. And I know I am probably am reading way too much into it, but my feeling have been hurt. I want to be this person's friend and it seems like he wants to be mine, but thats really hard to do when you don't hang out and you don't hear from the person. He said he's had the best time with me recently, and he doesn't want that to change. Since we did hang out and talk before all this, isn't not doing that changing things? We had a great time becuase we spent time together and enjoyed the company, its "just that simple." I just want things to go back to being okay, and to have a friend back Granted we weren't like BFF or anything, but it seemed like we both enjoyed the other person's company and stuff, so why should it be different now? A friend I can call up and not worry about them thinking about more than necessary, someone to hang out with, a friend to just watch a movie with, a friend to go to church with, a friend to give me hugs and high fives. I'm such a cheeseball here sounding like a bad inspirational poem on a waiting room poster, but I'm just telling the truth.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not sure which, I am extremely loyal. To the point of getting myself hurt sometimes. Once I have established a connection with someone, I like it to stick. Though I know people come in and out of life, I also know these people are a vital part of shaping who you are, etc, etc; and once I establish a relationship of any value with a person I want to continue on that path until there is some obvious reason not to. Maybe that is silly, but that is just me.

So I don't know what to say about it anymore. Nothing I guess. I'm done. I don't feel like I'm in a position where any attempt from my end to hang out or anything is wanted or will be accepted, so I guess I just have to wait. Christmas break is a few days away still, so I guess the possibility to successfully reestablish a friendship is there. I think we could hang out and it not be weird.

Am I overanalyzing? Yes, probably so. But when there something weird happens and you stop hanging out, etc, I find it difficult not to. Waiting in this situation is weird. Hopefully it is not in vain (thank Bob Marley for that one folks. If you are not singing I am sorely disappointed.) Or just not knowing if the other person would think it would be fun to hang out or even just speak to you is weird, when before everything was cool. I will be sad if I lose a friend over something like this. There is no reason why it should come to that. I'm numb, I'm tired, I'm confused and I'm in need of a hug. If anyone has an extra send it my way. Thanks.

the jerk, a wash of clarity

So the jerk is a movie, and it is also what I feel like right now. After a sleepless night and an emotional tummyache all day, I have realized that I have been a little too hard on Guy (see post below). Granted, my feelings have been hurt too, not necessarily by the decisions that have been made, but by lack of communication and some actions. I am kind of tough, but I did take a blow to the heart when I tried to be a friend and got kind of ignored in return. But that is no reason for me to be mean. I just reacted and post below is simply a result of that. To my readers: please realize it is not a comprehensive look at the situation, but one person's reaction and impression of what was going on. The story is still incomplete, note the dead phone batteries, therefore anticipate clarity and hopefully a more objective conclusion.

I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve, I wish I was more discerning, I wish things hadn't gotten so far out of proportion. All this wishing does nothing though, I have to be willing to do something about it. This whole thing just spun off into something increasingly volitale. I want to understand where the person is coming from. Enter communication. I will work on that, and I hope he will be receptive. I should be thankful for this uniquely dynamic friendship in a world of complacency. Despite the recent miscommunications, it is still something I want to be involved in. It is different and I think thats just what I need. (I hope all of you started singng "Just what I needed" by The Cars. If not, shame on you!) I also need a good hug and maybe some Elvis.

Hopefully all my emotions will calm down a little, everything is haywire. A little Grey Street and Hide and Seek get me through the day. Thank you DMB for words of passion and dispassion leading to serious tension. So empty but so completely full. I must get out. Thank you Imogen for words and a sound that make me feel like I am being pushed around by a crowd but seeing everything in slow motion.

That is all the thanks I have right now.

i'd like to see you undone

Sunday before finals week. It is a little daunting. Although tomorrow is Dead Day, I do have a final at 6 p.m. tomorrow night, and I have got to study for that tonight. Maybe during Grey's Anatomy. This week should be a rush of tests, work, and cleaning. Graduation is Friday and I don't know what to think about that.

This weekend was strange in so many ways. And I'm feeling more bewildered in regards to the happenings of this weekend than I ever have before. Friday was a whirlwind of weirdness. Here is a little background for you. There is this guy, we'll call him Guy. So Guy and I have been hanging out right? I have a class with him, and he is great and fun and all of that, and little over a month ago we started hanging out outside of the classroom. It was cool. He is nice, his friends are cool, etc. So at one point during all of this Jason and I decide to take some time off, but it has absolutely nothing to do with Guy-just so we are clear. So it turns out that both I and Guy might be interested as more than friends, but neither of us are ready/wanting to date anyone, and decide to just hang out as friends. We establish that. So we were hanging out a lot. Like daily. Initiated by him, but openly welcomed by me. A week before Thanksgiving things start getting a little funny. I attribute that to trying to establish a no pressure situation. Thanksgiving happens, then this week happens. This week was completely weird. (See the corpse bride blog). We hung out Monday for short time after our class and he makes it sound like we will hang out later on that night as well and do homework. I hear nothing. Corpse Bride happens, he apologizes for the awkward situation but still no hanging out. Every other day of the week happens, and nothing. He is scarce. That brings us to Friday when I ask him if he wants to be my lunch buddy, with intentions of asking why things are so weird. He can't go to lunch but before I say anything about how we need to chat, he suggests that we need to talk because there are some "misunderstandings between us." Hm.

So Friday night I ride to Dallas with a friend to see a show--Homer Hiccolm and the Rocketboys. Heres a plug for these guys, because they are making great music. They are genuinely talented and have a love for their art. And they are nice. The sound you can hear and feel is unique but manages to be hauntingly familiar at the same time. It is that sound that you've always had in your head, but could never put your finger on. The band is a six-piece collaboration; each part distinctly individual with the ability to carry itself, but in the end coming together for a clean sound that is impressive considering the group has been together for only a year-ish, give or take. As for live, the stage prescence is there, and they are fun to watch; any audience member will see these guys are loving what they are being allowed to do. You can visit their myspace: www.myspace.com/rocketboys. Listen and love. There is my public service for the day. Anything to help musicians who are trying to make it in the world.

Anyways, the show was excellent. And Guy happens to be there. We talk for about 15 minutes, he says he has come to the conclusion he isn't ready to date anyone right now, and I agree saying I'm not either, but that this week has been completely weird, and that I think we are more on the same page than he thinks, but that I am tired of having to try so hard to be his friend. He says hes sorry and doesn't want me to be tired of being his friend. So we leave it pretty positive, but with the understand that there is more to be said.

Fast forward to Saturday. I send a text message in the afternoon saying that later on it might be a good idea to just go ahead and finish up the above conversation. So that finally happens via phone call, which I don't really prefer. There is just something about looking the person you are talking to in the eye. No matter the subject. Anyways, basically he tells me:
1. he is extremely attracted to me, thinks I'm great, awesome, etc, etc
2. doesn't see us ever dating
3. doesn't see himself with me in 10 years
4. he just doesn't "feel it," but he did at first, but now he doesn't
5. he doesn't see our lives going in the same direction
6. he really cares about me, a lot. he really does
My reaction is nothing short of disbelief. We were definately not on the same page. I don't understand why he is feeling the need to make that sort of decision, especially when I was under the impression that we were haning out getting to know each other as friends. I didn't know I was supposed to be making a decision on 3 or 4 weeks of randomly hanging out with Guy if I wanted to date him or not. I just don't understand his need to make that decision either way. And really nothing seemed to line up. Oh and the fact that one of his friends has been feeding him information, things I have said to someone else. I think it is a little lost in translation. But his conclusions are inaccurate. He said he had been freaking out about some things, things he had been hearing from this person. Things that aren't at all correct, so I'm confused as to how someone can make an accurate judgement based on things like that. Needless to say that conversation was not completed due to dead phone batteries, and I am still waiting to hear about when we might be finishing it. We'll see if we can get some clarity. It just really seems that the situation got blown way out of proportion, and the conversation last night shouldn't have ever had to happen. Things shouldn't have gotten all complicated and weird. People are right when they say communication is key.

Things with Jason are fine. We talk every few days, and I am feeling like we are actually communicating again. Which is nice. It was hard and sad to realize that you and one of your very best friends in the world were growing apart and you couldn't seem to just talk to each other. Enter the communication is key thing again. Who knew that was so important?? ha.

I am watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition and crying my eyes out. My stupid issues and misunderstandings are minor to what this family is dealing with. A 28 year old man is raising 3 daughters under the age of 6 becuase his wife died in her sleep. He went up to bed after her one night and found her there. He said "She died alone. She shouldn't have died alone. I was supposed to take care of her." It is heart-wrenching, so I need to go watch and get out all my emotions. So thats an update on my life. Some of you knew all of that, some knew none, and I'm sorry if things are vague, but I always write too much and I tried to be brief, but informative. I'm sorry if it sounded like a diary entry or something. Okay I'm really done now and its time for studying and EMHE. This show makes my heart happy. Happy Sunday.

thursday needs a quote

Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the trouble makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or villify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them, becuase they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.

Okay its from my favorite Apple commerical ever. I love it. It is just a great statement not to mention pure marketing genius. I think I'm just feeling all inspirational since I have 1 class left in my undergraduate college career. Either way, there you go. I hope you enjoy. I did.