i am ready

i'm at square one.
starting over.
i miss my friends.
this week has completely broken me down, not even in the obvious ways.
i've been made aware of so many things.
i've always had so much direction in my life, but i feel so spacey right now and that drives me bananas.
but i feel selfish.

i'm giving up control.
i've been fighting it, but its time. way past time.

i aim to please, but i can't do that, i know i can't, so why do i try so hard?
because thats who i am, thats what i like doing, i love seeing people happy, even if it is at my own expense.
i should stop worrying about that so much probably.
i'm tired of not living.

i am who i am.
i think too much, i say sarcastic things even though i'm pretty sensitive, i need my independence and my space and my time by myself, but i need other people in my life to make it full, i love laughing and i love stupid jokes, i love you and you and you and you and me, lip gloss and teddy bears are my secret loves, i hate feeling insecure, but i need affirmation just like anybody else. i want to rely on myself less and God more. i love being alone but i hate feeling lonely, i love the person who can silently keep me company; i hate it when things get to me and make me heartsick; i love when people tell me they care so much about me, and i love telling people how much i care about them, but i hate letting them down. i also love when i know that people care about me, and they don't even have to say anything. i can take care of myself, but i need steady support. i tend to take the high road even when my whole self wants to take the other one...i like taking leaps of faith, and i like trying new things. i want people to know how deeply i care, and i know i don't say it enough, but i do, truly. i like to pretend i have it all together, but i am a complete and total and utter mess, about practically everything.

so its 12:40 a.m. on friday night/saturday morning and i am ready. thank you and goodnight.

p.s. global night commute tomorrow night (saturday), you should sign up at www.invisible children.com, really unique way to raise awareness.

Listening: to the deafening silence

if i could find you now

so i think too much.
i know. sorry.

so today. oh today, what a wednesday. love-hate relationship. but its over now so i can love again.
i peeled myself out of my bed this morning, oh how i did NOT want to get up and face the day.
i was completely and wholly against it.
but my day was fine really.
started out a little meager, but i read some james, 1 peter, some hebrews and just tried to focus.
i went to the acu library today, took my computer and looked for jobs.
i needed a change of scenery, it is so fancy in there now, and i think my apartment is depressing me.
maybe i should rearrange furniture. or something. or just get out more.
i will get out tomorrow too, don't know where, but i will find some place.

i'm fine. really, thanks for asking. (this is you and me talking, whoever you are).
today was fine. i hope your day was great.

so i'm trying to do some understanding. some accepting. some unselfish thinking.
i think it is working. i want it to. so badly.
i never meant to be selfish.

also, something came to mind today. God's role in my life...yes we all know i have some sort of complex, i wouldn't say i exactly have control issues becuase usually i feel out of control. either way. here's what i'm thinking: sometimes it seems like we, (or maybe just i, i will use i) know we need to listen to God, know we need to seek help, know thats what we want to do, know thats what we need to do. so we try, right? we try really really hard...now, isn't it possible to try too hard? (kind of the way i think too much???) we mean so well right? we are listening so hard for what God has to say to us, and thinking about it and looking for it, but God does not always hit us in the face with a 2 x 4. at least not in my experience, sometimes yes, it is dead obvious, but others, eh. so can we be thinking so hard and trying so hard to have our hearts and minds in the right place that we totally miss the proverbial 2 x 4. 0r we get hit with it and we just think that can't possibly be it, thats too obvious? or sometimes its just a quieter answer maybe? not even a 2 x 4, but we are too busy thinking about listening for God that we miss it? i mean what if it is sitting right there in front of us and we are too busy thinking about other aspects of the situation and too busy worrying about waiting and hearing that we miss it? i don't want to miss it. how frustrating. i have faith, i do. it is such a fine line for me. a huge tension in my life right now. tension like my need and want to make a change and make a difference, but my continual frustration with myself for my lack of action and lack of direction, but right now i guess i should be satisfied with the desire, the opportunity will come, yes?

i feel like there are many things hanging in the balance right now. that is what is making everything a little more difficult for me i believe. i know it will ease up. i just hate thinking that i'm missing it.

i don't know. just some things i've been tossing around for a little while. i don't know if that makes sense, and i know it isn't perfect, but i hope someboday maybe gets it. i'm all about editing when new thoughts come along.

overall it was a good night. i was slightly disappointed, but not suprised about some things, but had some suprising entertainment in the form of the sweetest 9th grade girls--i went to a "d-group" that a friend of mine leads. it was their "hangout night" which was just what i needed. (i guess you're just what i needed...please sing that) it was so funny, they were so great. then i chit chatted with the friend and her husband for awhile. it was good.

it can only be as strong as its weakest part--i don't think i fully appreciated that until this evening.

can't see tomorrow with yesterday's eyes

okay.
i don't know.
i just don't know.
things are sort of okay on the outside.
but i'm feeling like i'm fooling myself on the inside.
its not that big of a deal right?
not that much has changed.
just maybe the motivation? but i'm not sure that has even changed....simply the exectution.
but i'm not for sure on that.
i'm constantly exhausted.
i don't want to be.
there are things i want, and things that i don't.
i'm working through it. with some help.
just gotta keep working through some things.
yeah. keep on truckin.
i have things to say, but not here. nope.
i like people better than computers anyways. they are nicer.
less crunchy....
they hug back.

Reading: Job posts. yeeeeeaaaaah.

can't tell the truth in a house of lies

Today has been ALLLLLLLLL over the place.
But I'm thinking it is okay. Or at least it will be okay at some point. I think we are going to just be.

Here is what I think:
Today I felt so incredibly lost. I thought I had some things figured out, and what I had figured out hasn't changed, but the capacity in which those things are applied is just taking a little tweaking. Sigh. Emotionally strung out. This week has been trying on my spirit. I have felt excited, deprived, sad, happy, needed, completely unwanted, silly, content, uncomfortable, and just plain weird. I have seen potential for great things, and oddly enough I don't think that has gone away. Maybe that is a bold statement, and not everyone will understand how to take that, but just ask me if you want to know, okay? For some reason I was really popular tonight, I got a lot of phone calls. People checking on me, I have friends who care. Couldn't ask for more really. Today I've done a lot of thinking about letting God do his thing in my life and what that means for me personally. Timing is pretty crucial, huh? Things are going on that I don't understand, but I don't have to. I want to just be, I want to just smile, and I want to just see what will happen. Lets do that. Why do people choose to hold on with such veracity? I mean when everything is telling them to let go and they just can't seem to shake it for some reason, something keeps them there, something makes them want to stay involved anyway they can. Sometimes I wish I understood why, but I think if we put our trust in the right place we will end up in the right place. Maybe we hold on to things not only becuase we want to but becuase we feel like that is where we are being put. I mean why else would we hold on? (that was a big random mess of thought vomit...excuse it if it doesn't make sense) I thought today was going to end with some more tears, and there have been plenty of those today, but I got some reassurance. From unexpected places, from sort of unexpected people. Pleasant suprises are so great. I think it was good. Thank you. Thank me. Ha. Back to the basics. Like I said a few weeks ago, we gotta go back to the basics. Keep it simple. Keep it light. Just keep caring, please.

So there are a few things. Also, took the post-GRE-prep-course practice test tonight and got a great math score. I was SO excited. Dear Andrea Kelley made me Death by Chocolate Explosion, and I binged. Funny how things like that can help. My brain is fried. Yeck.

Thats all I feel I can say right now. That is all.

Oh and a Happy Birthday to Camille and Rosalyn Perry!

"What does it matter what anybody thinks? Most people don't think."--Wonderboys

Watching: I wish I was watching 24.

give a little bit

so i slept on it.
i am done.
i'm tired of feeling like people are faking "it" (whatever "it" is).
i don't want to feel like a second choice or a charity case.
i want it to be fun.
i like smiling.
i do not like feeling like i'm giving myself to something and then feeling or realizing that people are just taking and taking and not giving anything in return.
i also hate it when i realize that i've been the taker.
"it" can't just be (whatever "it" is).
but communication is so important isn't it?
i'm confused. yikes.
it makes you feel like you are wrong for feeling the way you do.
the worst is when you feel like you are convincing people, it makes you feel that it isn't genuine, that it isn't sincere, that it has lost its innocence.
it makes my stomach turn.
trust is a fierce animal.
i have got to get out of here.
yup.
i am done.
there are some things that i would love to adjust, love to change, love to get my foot in the door again, say how about my spiritual life....thats a huge one i've been thinking about a lot lately.
now, interesting thought for me is the fact that yes, it is something i can work on all by myself, but it is always good to have encouragement from people around you, the great thing is i don't have to do it alone, there are other people out there wanting the same thing (not exactly i'm sure, but you all know what i'm saying) and guess what, it can be mutually beneficial.
man, oh man, if i was 6 again.
my prayer for the day is patience. patience, discernment, a clear head and recognition that i need a little bit of help with this life.
sometimes i forget that.
i'm not needing to make any earth-shattering decisions today, but i would like to approach several different areas of my life with a certain sensitivity.
whatever happened to just living it all?
can i please do something right? and feel like i'm doing something right? instead of feeling like i'm doing everything completely wrong?
i'm not liking theses realizations i've been having, they are blindsiding me, which is ridiculous becuase i should have seen them all coming too.
ug, everything is NOT that big of a deal. ITS NOT.

*i just had to get that out of my system is all. no rhyme, no reason, just had to purge. and i think writing down things i need to work on holds me more accountable. so there you go, monday's list of personal improvements to be made. getting them out of my system this way helps me feel like i don't have to roll them around in my head all day. its really nice outside and i am going to appreciate that. like i said. i'm done.*

could we take a walk?

So I didn't really eat anything but lunch today so I was super hungry a little bit ago. I decided to eat some tuna, garlic and herb flavored. When I was putting it on the plate I guess I dripped some tuna juice on my foot, so not only do I have rank breath (garlic and herb tuna, really??), but I am pretty sure that I smell of tuna, even though I washed my foot off. Yikes. I have not been feeling well the past week or so. I'm trying so much herbal tea to help chill. I'll let you know how it goes.

Today was Camille and Marcos' Abilene wedding shower and it was so fun to see them and everyone who was there to support them. Both of their families have been in Abilene for so long and have so many close friends here who you can tell are just so happy for them. It was great.

I guess I haven't said anything since Friday afternoon, whoa, what is the world coming to?? Anyways, not a whole lot happened, I kind of feel weirdo, but I'm hoping it will go away soon and I will just be happy again. Maybe me not feeling good has something to do with my overall mood being weirdo too.

There is a lot going on. Not necessarily in the superficial sense, as in stuff to do, it just seems like there is a lot for me to take in right now. Just trying to figure out where I fit in. If I fit in. If I can fit in. If I'm wanted to fit in. I feel the need for some general reassurance. It would make me feel more comfortable, though, but I know we can only ask for so much, and we can only give so much, and there has to be a point where we realize that we are giving all that we can give and that the "other" is giving all they can give at that point. I need a lot less than people think, it is the little things that matter. I love the little things. Baby steps.

I just want so badly to be comfortable, I mean within reason. Comfortable within the realm of what is realistic. I guess I would just prefer feelings of reassurance over those of constant uncertainity (who wouldn't???), and maybe that is just a personal issue. It is more than possible that I have no reason to feel uncertain. There is no exact way things should happen or exact way things should go, and I know that, and I'm okay with that, I really really am. It may boil down to the age old need to feel needed and wanted, in so many different capacities, not just the obvious.

I just hate having to feel like I need to dull my feelings, or ignore them, or that I even have to think about them within certain perameters instead of just feeeeeeeeling them. That is the funny thing about feelings, they seem to lose their innocence when you have to think about them too much. Maybe I'm the one with the romanticized view of things. That may make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Ha. Sorry. I would like for things to be siiiiimple.

Ohhhhh weeeellllll. I know it will be "okay," it is just getting to that point. It all comes out in the wash. I really don't feel that badly, I was good to go for awhile and so when things got shaken up I said "ACK!" Overall things are good. Things in life are new and exciting right now and that is fun and scary and cool and funny and silly and ridiculous and happy and worriesome and great all in one fail swoop! (Imagine me smiling, cause it is oooooookay). Monday is tomorrow, a new day!!! I am thankful for new days. I am glad we are given new days. Things to do, I will do things and it will be good. Last GRE prep class too. All we have to do is a practice test, so that means I get out early!!!

Watching: Stepmom

the only thing i'm guilty of

gag.
seriously??
you've got to be kidding me.
wow.
vomit.
geez.
WHAT?
stop.
i can't believe this.
ugh.
barf.
get a grip.
bench me.
you're joking right?


i felt the need to share these exclamatory remarks, in a g-rated fashion. eh. didn't really have anything else to share. no funny stories, no lovely anecdotes, no emotional tirades, just whatever. pardon the excessive use of "upchuck" type words, but i think throw up words are kind of funny. bleh. thats me, bleh. i'm going to eat a sandwich now. I want to go to Chameleon this weekend, I know it will make me miss my dancing days. I need to cut a good rug.

Listening: Middle School Mania--personal mix (its pretty awesome: Mariah, Dream, BSB, J. Simp.....)

hey there lonely girl

Could I please be a little more all over the place? And maybe I could avoid questions a little more too...I'm not sure I'm doing that enough as it is. Whatever. I'm being vague again, for absolutely no reason, besides the fact that I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I don't mean to be grumpy, really I don't. I'm trying to be good at this really, I am.

Ew, vomit. That is kind of what I have felt like doing ALLLLL day today. Make it stop.

I think I am just needing some reassurance. Or something. Just needing some reassurance that I'm doing okay. I also need a blueberry muffin. Lucky for me I made some last night.

Sometimes we just need a little extra love I think.

I don't know what to say besides the obvious. Yes, the obvious. But apparently I'm the only person who knows what "the obvious" is. Man oh man.

Also, it has been really wet outside becuase of the rain (duh) and I was leaving a parking lot tonight and my tires spun a little I think and I hope no one thought I was trying to be uber cool and speed out of the parking lot. I'm pretty sure that would make me anything BUT uber cool. EW. yikes.

Oh and I'm pretty sure I want to sign up for the Invisible Children Global Night Commute. I think it sounds awesome. I'll let you know when I do so you can look up info about it too.

Cohen: "This is about the girl."

Reading: Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes

i get kind of hectic inside

Um whoa.

Some things on my brain: I'm on an emotional see-saw, but right now I'm on the upside, so I'd be okay with whoever is on the other end just not pushing off the ground. Okay thanks. I think I teetered to the middle a couple of times today, but I'm repeating my "chill out" "just ease on down the road" mantra and I think it is helping. Next, today was alright, I mean it was a Wednesday (cue scary music) but really pretty good.

Here is my theory on productivity during the day. I spend time alone right? We all know this. Well, on days that I don't have work, I am at home alone and I am trying not to spend money just driving around or shopping frivolously, so that limits my hobbies for the daylight hours. So the later I stay up in the evening, the longer I sleep in the morning, therefore minimizing the daylight hours for me to be alone looking for things to do. Thus, the reason behind my night-owl tendancies. It makes total sense right? Yeah, don't answer that.

Next for today, I cleaned my bathroom, cleaned my kitchen, vacuumed and did laundry. Oh and went running. Then I ate leftovers and watched Amazing Race 9, I will be on Amazing Race someday, mark my words. Watched lightning, and made muffins (there goes the clean kitchen). Making muffins proved to be more difficult than I expected seeing as how I appreantly don't have a mixing bowl of any sort, so I had to stir the batter in a pot. I felt like I was making blueberry stew or something. By the way, where is the jelly aisle at the store? I looked EVERYWHERE. Killing me.

I had a happy night. I like it when things make me happy. Little things, not even the things you expect. It is great. It makes my smile stick. Okay so, sometimes I feel ridiculous for letting myself get silly, but I haven't been caring. Maybe its the springtime. Everybody gets a little silly in the springtime. Urg, but I am afraid to get caught up. But part of me wants to. Really. And part of me already has. Geez. You know when you just grin and it is great, and yeah its just great. Okay, I'm done, I could keep going, but I'm going to be done. I will just tell people about it in person, it is more fun to talk about. Just imagine me smiling.

So I'm really serious about this puppy thing, although I'm pretty sure the apartments here don't allow pets, that doesn't mean I can't look for when I move right? I've decided that wheaton (thats what they call the white ones) scottie dogs are toooo cute. I've always liked scottie dogs, ever since I saw Lady and the Tramp when I was little. But I don't know. Westies are adorable too. Okay, so I just love animals. I need a furry, four-legged companion to sit with me and who will love me despite my nuttiness.

This was ALL over the place sorry, its the endorphines. Or the blueberry muffins. I am loving listening to the rain. I may put the movie on mute and just lay on the couch and listen.

Watching: Must Love Dogs

come on get happy

thank you partridge family. in light of the serious posts i decided on my "personal day" to list some things that i enjoy doing, experiencing, etc. most of you probably know most of these things already, but maybe there will be a suprise somewhere along the way. none of this is meant to be cheesy, but we all know i'm a little cheesy sometimes, so i hope you can grin and bear it.

sun
late night movies (currently watching must love dogs)
laying out in the sun
swimming pools
nice days where you roll down your windows and listen to music and feel cool
beaches
sunglasses
costa rica
puppies/dogs (i have been wanting one soooo badly lately!! maybe soon?)
special k red berries (currently ingesting this)
looking at the moon and the stars
teddy bears
pedicures
cameras and using them
tap dancing, or any kind of dancing for that matter
lip gloss (my favorite is lost and i'm really not happy about that)
hugs
kisses
witty banter
bad jokes--the kinds i make, terrible, just make you roll your eyes
flowers, right now i think tulips are adorable--specifically parrot tulips, and there is always the classic rose...just not red (if red then black magic) but i'm loving the orange ones right now, lilies, anything tropical
books
cuddling (i told you it was cheesy, but i can't help it! who doesn't like that anyways??)
rolling stone
naps
fruit, pretty much anything that tastes like fruit
shopping--malls, or the kind where you get to walk outside in between stores and little shops, so great
chips and salsa
flowy dresses
rain and walking in it
singing in the car, dancing in the car is pretty great too
shoes
smiles and looks
cute skirts
wearing perfume
smelling cologne
cards, sending and recieving
buying little gifts for people
smoothies
parks

okay that list is long enough for now. hope you enjoyed it as much as i do. tomorrow is wednesday. erg, it'll be good though right? make it a good one.

chasing our tails

monday. what a day. oh yeah, so i was so caught up in my emotional whatever that i forgot to share with you the petty details of my weekend. lets see how much i can get through, when i get all emotional and stuff i tend to forget the regular old day stuff. here we go. friday was a day off so i chilled, it was nice. i took it easy and that was good. did some returning, some exchanging, etc, etc. saturday i slept in a bit and tried to pick up the clutter than managed to accumulate in my home. eh. then i went to the second installment of silence sessions featuring homer hiccolm and the rocketboys. i rather enjoyed it. it was an hour of good music in a dark room. the rest of the day was spent in some sort of sleepy, emotionally charged fog. sunday, you've heard about and today was a monday. i did some stuff. not enough probably. and i'm still awake at 3:30 a.m., for who knows why (besides talking to mize), and thinking about how i should probably go to bed. "the scientist," coldplay, was just on nocturnal state. interesting. now we've got "cold december," matt costa. today i recognized the fact that i enjoy wearing sweatpants and shorts and tshirts. i would like to live in them. i think someone should help me find a job wear i can wear awesome stuff like that everyday. as much as i enjoy dressing up, it is a lot of work, and it is always a relief to put on your "home" clothes. hm. i'm talking about absolutely nothing, but that is kind of nice for me right now. "upside down," jack johnson. i love this song. it makes me happy. but it also makes me miss things. "high and dry," radiohead. vh1 is doing a bang up job tonight. gre prep was boring tonight, but helpful still. okay i'm done, i'm fresh talked out. i'm just beat, emotionally strung out, just full and empty and everything in between and totally needing to just chill out. that is my goal for tomorrow. i'm taking some time for me, and trying to chill out. check back and see how it went.

breathe

When it rains, it pours. That couldn't be more true for me right now. I haven't felt this overwhelmed in a long long time. It is making me tired and sick and I'm pretty sure it is making me no fun. I don't mean to make light of the situation, becuase it isn't light.
What's on my mind/heart:
1) i am not trying to worry or think more than necessary
2) i have more than just me to think about here, so that is why it isn't as light
3) truly caring for someone is a big deal
4) my brain hurts, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, i'm numb, but i still feel so much
5) i'm praying hard about this, i know i need to listen...
6) i don't have answers, i'm sorry, i don't
7) tonight i said "i don't know" and i'm pretty sure that is the only time i have TRULY meant it other than in math class when i was totally clueless; i mean i honestly had NO idea, none
8) i hate hurt and disappointment, and i hate causing it, and i hate the way it makes me feel, and i don't want to make others feel that way. right now i feel like that is the only potential result on all sides
9) i'm terrified. completely and totally terrified.
10) i have had some intense conversations, and it has been trying for me, i feel so concerned, but i wish that it was just simple, no pressure, just easing into things
11) i don't like not being trusted, i don't like it when people are skeptical of me and my intentions and my motivations
12) i don't understand how to help people understand that i don't have the master plan for my life in my head, i have some ideas of what i feel like i need and want, but nothing is set in stone; it seems there are some things that you just don't know how they will turn out, when they will turn out, what will ultimately happen---i feel pressure to know, to give a guarantee, i don't know how to do that, am i supposed to? maybe i am?
13) i think i am searching for some contentment. with any part of my life
14) i'm tired of being in limbo

That is all I can get out of my head right now. It is spinning. I hope it all makes sense. The oven has been on for the past 30 minutes. I was going to make some cookies, but I haven't put them in to bake yet. Is there such thing as death by running? I think I tried it this evening. I went up to school to go running since it was already dark outside and the sidewalk at school is well-lit, apparently I felt the need to sprint. WHAT? I did great for about 3/4 of a mile then I was pretty sure I was going to die. My chest was tight, my throat hurt, I was ready to pass out. My thoughts: "Geez. It has been way too long since I've run...what happened??" I am watching a new show on A&E, "God or the Girl" about 4 guys across the nation who feel called to the Catholic priesthood. It is fairly interesting. I need some sleep. I need some release. I need some love. I need some serious tickles. I need my bests to come to town (31 DAYS!). That is all. I'm going to lay on the couch some more and hopefully blank out. That'll be good. I would like a puppy.

this city's made us crazy

Happy Easter. I've had a rough start to the day. I got up in plenty of time to get ready for church and be there on time, but apparently I lost track of all of this time while in the shower becuase when I got out it was 8 minutes until church started and I would have been a good 25 minutes late. It probably shouldn't matter, I should have gone anyways, but I will do a little something for myself later on. So despite starting off on the wrong foot, hopefully today will improve?

It is gorgeous outside. I think I will go to the pool later on. Being outside in the sun always makes me feel better. I'm in a funk. It hit me last night like a ton of bricks. Which is incredibly frustrating becuase I've managed to be super-happy-Jennifer for over a month now and here come the contemplative-over-thinking-crying-sheepish-grumpy-BLAH-bricks. They are not my friends. I've been pretty good about dodging them recently, but last night I just stood there and let them hit me in the stomach. Okay enough with the metaphor, I'm sorry.

All of that to say--YUCK. Why do we have to make so many freaking decisions?? Urg. And of course I am that person who feels responsible and like I do need to make decisions and not jut let things be, so I think and I worry and I make myself sick over it usually. I think that means I care too much. Then there is all the other random stuff that doesn't help the self-esteem either. Ugh. Stop. I'm done wallowing. I'm going to make my bed and finish getting ready for the day, maybe that will make me feel accomplished. It is the first day of the new week, I need to make it count.

Watching: the pink flamingo wind-chime hanging from my balcony

any way you want it

Erg. I have got to get myself on a regular sleep schedule so I can join the rest of the civilized world in concious work during the days instead of wandering around like a zombie. I took a huge nap late in the afternoon, so that may have something to do with the lack of zzzzz's right now. So I'm doing what I always do when I can't sleep, watch Pride and Prejudice and blog. Ha.

I've been terribly boring the past few days. Working up at school, I've been driving around giving posters to local businesses about an event that is coming up with the Philharmonic. It doesn't seem like a job that would take too terribly long, but Abilene being arranged the way it is, it takes forever to get around it seems. And I try to do the driving in a logical way, not driving back and forth across town a bazillion times, but it actually takes a long time.

I love dressing up. It is so fun. And I don't mean it in the costume party sense, although that is fun too, I mean it in the pretty dress, pretty shoes, scrub yourself kind of way. I know it is a bit petty, but there is just something about special occasions and dressing unlike you normally do that just sends a little thrill through me. Maybe it is becuase it makes you feel special. I don't know why I thought of that. Probably becuase I'm watching Pride and Prejudice and they were at a ball a few scenes ago. Who knows.

I liked today. Though the latter part was borderline unproductive, I quite enjoyed myself throughout. Before lunch I was in the car and we were driving by the fairgrounds, and what do I see, but elephants. FOUR! Apparently the circus is in town, and the elephants were out in their tent. It was so funny to see elephants standing there, but I still got really excited about it. But I was in a really good mood all day long, I don't know what has gotten into me. Maybe it was the Easter basket from my parents, but maybe something else.

Watching: Pride and Prejudice (how many times have we heard that?)

mary, mary, why you buggin?

I'm currently listening to the droning voice of my online defensive driving "instructor." It is thrilling. Really. Ugh. Only 4.5 more hours, but that is NOT happening tonight. No way man. But I'll finish tomorrow. Such a procrastinator. "Feelings and emotions can distract drivers"

So I think alot. Yeah, I know I do. And I know it isn't always good, but that's me. It is what I do. I wouldn't be anything like what I am if I hadn't always been that way. So if you like me, maybe you understand some more, if not, well, I don't know what to tell you. But I think a lot, sometimes I over-think many many things, sometimes just becuase I am bored and so I think. Sometimes so I can take as objective as a point of view as possible.

I'm so sleepy right now. I have to get up in about 3 hours. UGH. I will take a nap tomorrow probably. I love naps.

I have been feeling like I can't do anything right. I'm really not sure why I'm feeling this way, it just feels like anything I do or say or whatever isn't "right." It is disheartening really and frustrates me. I guess I will just try harder? I'm probably trying to hard already or something, but if I am I wouldn't know, all I know is I can't seem to do anything right. I'm frustrated. Some things about my days I have been enjoying, some things have been not quite as smooth.

Today was a Wednesday, and it was okay. Some good, some eh, but overall it was fine. I didn't hate it like I have Wednesdays past. I don't know man, I'm tired though.

Listening: Californication-Red Hot Chili Peppers

you can go your own way

Urg. I'm tired. I'm about to go to sleep I think. But I kind of hope that I get to stay up a little later and talk to Mize. Thank goodness Vh1 picked up CBS' cancelled Love Monkey. The first three episodes aired tonight. I can't wait for more. It will be awesome.

My brain says "uhhhhhhhh." I feel like I've thought about so much the past few days. And it feels like it is the end all be all. I need to go back to the taking it easy and chilling out. Becuase then I go all super-analyzer on everyone and that can be unnnnnnpleasant. For everyone involved. I don't know. I hate being confused, I would rather things be simple and easy. I need to pray some more about my stuff. I know that will help. God's delays are not his denials. I wish I had an answer right now, for so many reasons, but I know patience is a good thing, and that I just need to give up some control (so hard for me sometimes).

I'm spent. But I LOVE water parks.

Watching: America's Best Water Parks (Schlitterbahn is the best--duh.)

i'm so enlightened i can barely survive

I did a random mix of things today. I should have done more. Eh. Okay, so I had one of those headaches today that just makes you want to cry. I went to the chiropractor and it was one of those things where it had to get worse before it got better. Curling up to die would have been nicer than the headache I had today. 4 advil and 3 tylenol later, I finally felt somewhat better, but I still had headache residue.

I was reunited with my love of science museums with a trip to the planetarium today. It was awesome. I like just sitting there leaning back staring at the ceiling and feeling a little sick when the stars start spinning. Ha.

Today I found this amazing dress online (on sale) that I would really really enjoy buying and would love to wear. Alas, it says "currently unavailable." It was a little fancy, but not too much, and would just be crazy fun to wear. Babydoll and pleats and venetian lace. It is just a sweet (as in awww) dress. Maybe it will become available again? Who knows. I just know I love to look a little fancy sometimes.

I think too much. WAY too much. You should know that if you read my blog even occasionally. I'm not sure why that is. Just the way I'm wired. But I'm trying to chill out still. I mean we should all know I've come leaps and bounds from being so incredibly tightly wound. Sometimes I think so much it just weighs me down constantly and I get so incredibly frustrated when other people don't think as much as me. Which is totally unfair and I know that. I'm working on it remember? The past week and a half or so has been badadeedada. I'm still sussing things out a bit. Yeah. Eh.

The movie American Dreamz looks good I think. I would like to see it. I think it looks funny, and I hope it is a clever as it looks. Plus it is a pop culture satire and we all know how much I love that kind of stuff. What a nerd. But movies like that are hard, it seems that either they are great or they are terrible. I hope this one is great.

Watching: Vh1 and Blender's 100 Most Wanted Bodies

you are what you love, not what loves you back

Well. 24 is moving along quite nicely, on disc 4 of season 1. Not too shabby, and I'm liking it more than I was at first. Okay so it is 3:35 a.m. and I have NO IDEA why I am awake. Alright, well I do a little, becuase I am talking to Ashley and there is a 2 hour time difference, but I'm not sleepy, so here I am.

Last night (Saturday) I went to a dinner at ACU at which Robin Roberts (Good Morning America) spoke. I really enjoyed it. I thought she was funny and very personable, and I also enjoyed what she had to say about putting yourself in the position for good things to happen to you. So that was good. My mom and her friend came into town for about 24 hours and that was pretty nice becuase I had a huge pile of ironing that she so graciously offered to help me with. And there is less clutter in my house now. Cool huh?

So as of right now I'm not working tomorrow, which is actually okay becuase I HAVE to take defensive driving. Erg. There go 6 hours of my life, but I will get over it I'm sure. Sonic has new peach tea and its pretty darn good. I love singing in my car.

As straightforward as I would like to be (as a general rule) I find that difficult at times. And it seems to be difficult at times when it would be most appropriate. One thing I realized is that I'm really good at thinking about what I need/want to say, BUT when it comes to the execution, I'm a little weak. I just get all tongue-tied and unbrave. Sigh. What to do but just buck up and get brave. Last week I decided to go back to the basics, and that worked pretty well for a week, I just hope I can keep it up. But not to the point of apathy. It is hard to shake the habit of over-analyzing and weirding out about life in general. I'm just awfully good at that sometimes, especially when it makes zero sense to be that way. So I'm working on it.

Remember everyone it is Peep season!!!!! Go buy some $.88 treats for yourself and someone you love. You'll be glad you did. Especially when you put them in the microwave and they get HUGE.

Watching: Vh1-Nocturnal State/Static

i'll send an s.o.s. to the world

Okay well, I don't know much really. I scrubbed my bathroom tile this evening, that was kinda cool. It looks super super clean, and thats nice. Other than that, everything I have wanted to get done this week is gradually happening, although I wish it would go a little faster. Maybe it really is and i just feel like everything is dragging. Who knows anymore?? I'm sleepy. I have stayed up late too many nights this week and it is catching up with me. But tomorrow is Saturday and that means late sleeping. One thing I MUST do, is take defensive driving this weekend. Just have to get it over with. Not excited, but I'll make it through. Oh, and I started watching 24, all the way from the beginning, and I really like it. I hadn't been on the 24 bandwagon before this week, and I don't know if I qualify yet since I'm only on disc 2, but slow and steady wins the race. I'm about to pass out asleep so that'll be it for now, more to come I'm sure. I need to get outta here.

Watching: Vh1-VSpot Top 20 Countdown

hello you, hello me

I'm just going to make one of my great lists, I like that way of talking sometimes for some reason, it keeps things simple. I'm in a great mood, so this isn't meant to be "intense" or overly brooding, so just in case you weren't going to, read it with that in mind.

my mouth still hurts, it feels swollen and i'm tired but it is not very comfortable to yawn.
restlessness hit about 11 p.m., i'm pretty sure that has something to do with the three hour nap i took when i was trying to esacpe the mouth discomfort.
i thought about calling but i did not. i did not know if it was the right time. maybe that is silly, but it is true.
tomorrow is wednesday and i'm hoping i like it okay.
i like the perfume i have on right now.
one thing about being married that i am looking forward to, whenever that happens and whoever that happens with, is grocery shopping together; i think it will be so fun to put on sweats and go to the store with you, i hope that you let me push the cart through the store becuase i love doing that, and i will stand on the cart in the parking lot and you can push me and i will fly down the aisle and hopefully not run in to any cars.
i have been on some sort of high for the past 4 days, and i hope it lasts.
puh-lease.
i am ready to just sit and watch a few movies every now and then.
being friends can be such hard work sometimes, but we have to work for the good stuff sometimes, huh? that makes it a-okay.
don't ever let the dentist use the big drill on your mouth, it will vibrate your whole head and make you feel weird the whole rest of the day.
ew.
sometimes i worry that i'm not strong enough.
i still want to dance.
the aquarium scene in romeo+juliet makes me want the secret heart jumping that comes from looks like that; those are pretty cool sometimes, i think they are a guilty pleasure for most everyone.
i don't want to feel selfish and i am trying not to do thing that will make me feel that way.
i am missing.
sometimes you just need that different kind of companionship, but it is hard to find.
i am looking for stuff. hopefully not in vain.
all i've heard for the past 2 hours is music and it has calmed by brain but stirred up my heart.
having some advice that i would love to share, but i not knowing how to share it becuase i'm not sure i'm accepted in that capacity, is weird and makes me feel a little selfish for thinking i might know how to help, but i wish i could help anyways; i like to help.
just letting go of things, sometimes that helps. i'm trying it, we can try it together.
i am terribly thankful for new friends, old friends and friends who are somewhere in the middle.
in answer to a question asked of me yesterday: i have no idea what is keeping me connected, not a clue, it is just something, and maybe it will be made obvious to me that i should just let it go, but you know i fight that so until then, i'm hanging on and hanging out, even though sometimes it is confusing and hurts and sometimes seems like it isn't fulfilling in any capacity, there is something to be said for sticking it out.
maybe i should just let go of it, but honestly, i don't worry about it like i used to, i feel more content about it and have for awhile, and i would just like for the contentment to manifest itself and allow things to be just plain awesome.
something said to me on saturday scared me, reached inside me and ripped my heart out, but the same thing took my little heart and consoled it; it was the strangest and most unnvering feeling, i'm sorry i can't think of any other way to share it.
i want things to feel surreal again.
as much as i know what you mean, and as much as i agree, part of me thinks/wants differently, and not super differently, just barely differently.
i have realized there is something to be said for giving in to something a little bit, even though you might think you aren't ready; i wish it was that easy, but i of all people know it isn't.
i would like for someone to tell me when i'm supposed to know that i'm "ready" for things; it would be incredibly helpful. :)

I have yet to figure out why saying things in little spurts makes it seem easier. Maybe just because I get to talk in incomplete sentences and use improper punction (ooohhhh, I'm really letting loose, watch out!). I really don't feel that all deep-and-tortured-soul right now, but just didn't want to feel shallow. You know how I don't like shallow. Ha. Being so happy the last few days (from whatever source) has been great, I want to share it with you! It is late and I have laundry to do in the morning. Ewwwww. So happy Tuesday night and Wednesday, tomorrow we'll talk about Wednesdays.

Loving things, but hating the swollen mouth.

Watching: Romeo+Juliet

i'm going to find out just how boring i am

The right side of my face is numb, but not the whole thing, oh no, the part I can feel hurts. I had a cavity filled this morning that was apparently larger than it looked from the surface. Sort of like an iceburg. NOT pleasant. I'm a little grumpy about it. Boooooooooo. That's what I have to say about gross cavities. The dentist spent like 30 minutes drilling, used 3 different drills and then just dug at it for awhile too. Sick. I know. During the middle of the drilling it starting hurting and I guess I made a face becuase he asked if it hurt and proceeded to stop drilling and give me more novicaine. OW! So after an hour and 45 minutes I leave the dentist's office and when I was trying to eat soup (which was interesting in its own right) I realized that not only could I not feel part of my mouth, but the back of my mouth was incredibly sore. Sigh. When he was talking about how deep it had spread I was just waiting for him to tell me I would need a root canal. But lucky for us it didn't come to that. My eyes were already watering a bit becuase of the way it hurt (not searing pain hurt, but tingling, tickling hurt) and the big drill he used that vibrated my entire face. At least I'm not drooling.

I'm going to take some more tylenol. If you want to hear something a little funny call me and talk to me on the phone and get me to say things with lots of t's and s's next to each other, like dentist's . It's pretty funny to try to hear me spit it out. But that sensation won't last too much longer, the feeling is coming back, so you'd better hurry.

i get through thinking and the thoughts have left my head

Today was productive/nonproductive. Probably more nonproductive, but at least at the end of it I didn't feel that way right? So I slept late, apparently I can't get enough sleep. But I think some of that has to do with the fact that I am hopelessly nocturnal. I'm not wired to go to bed earlier than 1 or 2 a.m. Unless I'm sick or something. Weird huh? It has been that way for as long as I can remember, so at least it is nothing new.

One of the best seasons of the year began today. And I don't mean spring. I mean it was Opening Day.

I am happy. Or at least happier than I have felt in awhile. Despite my sad eyes. I looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror today, but I wasn't sure what I saw. You can tell me next time you see me what you think. I laid out by the pool yesterday, and I got some good sun, and my nose freckles are the returning. Ba. I really don't mind them too much. Anyways. Ummmm, I WILL be productive the rest of this week. I WILL!

GRE Prep Course, was incredibly boring. The teacher talks super fast but tries to witty comments that just really aren't that funny, and make him sound a little pretentious. It is so odd. We had to do practice math problems, and some of the computers are really squirrely, (mine was) so I had to share with the guy next to me and despite the fact the teacher had explained everything and it made sense then, applying it to the practice problems was ridiculous. And we overheard people asking the teacher questions and he answered them like he was the MicroMachines guy. Ugh.

Tomorrow morning is filling number 2. I'm not so much dreading it like I was the last one. I can't say I'm dancing in anticipation, but the worst is over at the beginning.

I hope we get some time this week. Good.

Do you ever feel like the only things that might come out of your mouth if you speak are "uh" "er" "ugh" "i, uh" "ummm" "ahh," and other forms of bumbling for words? I do. Like you know what you need/want to say but aren't sure how to put it into words so that it makes sense outside of your head? I guess that is what is totally awesome about those people that you can talk with who don't mind if you bumble around a bit, letting you think and talk at the same time. You, thanks for that.

Listening: Dazed and Confused--The movie soundtrack everyone will be toking about.

yeah shes dashing for the exit

Well, well. Spring forward. Awesome.
Today=love.

After much thinking and a little talking I've some to the conclusion that I've got to slow down. Everything. I must slow everything down. The way I think, what I say, how I act, what I do, sloooooowwwwwweeeerrrrrr. Okay, maybe not that slow, but I'll ease up a bit. What brings this about you ask?

Friday (like I said in that post) I did quite a bit of thinking. One thing I thought about Friday and through the weekend was relationships. Yeah, yeah, I know, I've harped on this one a lot, but keeping reading, this is new stuff, I promise. And if it isn't, you have every right to publicly mock me, that is if you don't already. Okay so most relationships (of whatever nature), contrary to what seems to be popular belief in the collegiate world, don't just happen. You can't forcefeed yourself a friendship, dating relationship or whatever else. I for one, am irrevocably guilty of thinking I can. Sorry about that. I know better, I really do. Natural is the key, huh? Eh. Last night I was jolted into this train of thought. Taking "it" all slow, not ever forgetting about "it," but allowing "it" to manifest gradually can be invaluable. I don't mean you should just idle, but I'm pretty sure you get my point. Just no setting huge expectations, just living, breathing, dynamic existence. No pressure. I feel oddly liberated for whatever reason, not sure what. I don't want to attempt to explain anymore right now. I hope I can apply this. It would be nice, it would have been nice in the past. Things might have been simpler then, making things more great now. But the past is what it is, and there isn't much to do about it other than build off of it.

So I just mentioned the "jolting" that took place to get me into this train of thought. I thought I knew what I was going to hear and say, but I was suprised and suprised myself. I just had some release, and it was comforting and incredibly uncomfortable at the same time. I'm sleepy.

Everyone is just going along trying to get through this crazy thing, huh? Thank goodness I'm not doing this on my own--I just have to keep that in mind.

I had several people (random employees at restaraunts, or people I ran in to and spoke with) tell me I had sad eyes. Sad eyes. Man, maybe I'm just tired, or hiding behind my bangs. Speaking of which, another several people told me that I looked like a completely different person with this new hair-do. Hmmmm. I don't feel too different.....but then again.

Watching: Elizabethtown