tell me sweet little lies

worked with flowers.
priced bottle corks decked out with headless, well-endowed women with frilly panties.
thought about you.
bought a new toothbrush.
wanted to take a late night run.
listened to cat power and wanted to be the greatest again.
thought about me.
sang in the car.
ate greasy food and drank a coke.
wished i was on the beach.
wished i was in the mountains.
wished i could write a book.
wished i could help someone.
read your blog, her blog, his blog.
remembered how much i love gatorade.
wanted to be in the nook.
realized i hate carrie's fanny pack.
listened to the sexiest song i've ever heard.

in this ordinary moonlight

It has been a few days. Like five. I have done everything and nothing in that time. Last week ended better than it began. Much more exciting, at least I got some socialization. I loved that part.

I went to Dallas to visit Linds this weekend (YAY!). It was great. I left Abilene a bit late on Friday though so I didn't get to her apartment until close to 8. It was rainy and sort of chilly, but it turned out to be nice the rest of the night. We went down to Deep Ellum to watch a band. We missed them. Whoops. We went north instead of south. That will make a big difference when you are trying to get somewhere. But it was okay because we saw people that we knew afterwards and talked to them. Ended up going to a little cafe thing and sat with three people we had just met (from ACU). It could have been potentially awkward, but they were super nice and it was pretty fun to talk to new people, and good to see people I already knew.

Okay, so I had this weird experience while there. There is this girl, okay, we will call her Sally. Now, I've seen Sally in similar social situations before, besides the face that I actually had a class with Sally. So Sally (in class) would always look at me a little funny (not funny-haha, funny-mean) when I would walk into class, despite the fact that I would smile or say hi while walking down the row to my seat. I always thought that was a little odd, but didn't think too seriously about it. So at these functions, I've again done the smiling thing, and I get nothing. NOTHING. Not even acknowledgement of my presence, despite the fact that she sat one row over and one seat in front of me. Seriously??? How hard is it to be a little cordial? That is when I thought it was a little more that odd. Okay, so the story about the other night is I walk inside from being outside and old Sally gives me the nastiest look! Blatently. I kid you not. It actually startled me. How often do you look up into a restaraunt of people and see one or two sending death rays your way? Yeah someone else had joined in on the fun. (But I had been around that person another time too and they just looked like they were trying to figure out what I was doing there so maybe that was the face they were making). Maybe it is just her "resting face" and she gives everyone those kinds of looks. I sure hope so, becuase I'm not exactly sure what I did to her, I don't think we've ever spoken. I just thought it was weird. I have the sneaking suspicion I have been stereotyped, and that is okay. Funny how we are so willing to do that to people. Anyways, maybe I have misunderstood Sally, I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt, and in the big scheme of things I really don't care what her opinion of me is, but she could at least put on a polite face. We're all civilzed people here.

Second weird situation. So there is someone who I used to talk to quite a bit, but (it seemed like all of the sudden) then nothing. Even when I just say hi I feel awkward and like they are being put out by speaking to me. Weeeeeeird. I decided just to keep saying hi and being friendly. I mean what else is there to do? Don't know why I felt the need to share that.

I do not have road rage, I just get annoyed when stupid people drive.

There is a third weird "situation," but I think it is me being neurotic about common courtesies, so I will think about it some more, and if I feel less like a pin-head I will tell you about it. So more than likely you will hear about it later on this week.

I tried to keep my head on straight, I think I get a gold star. You can have one too.

I had an interesting week even though I look at it and feel like I overslept the entire time. I had some funny things happen. I heard some funny things. Some silly things, some fun things, some sad things, some things that made me smile in a really weird way. Some spontanaeity--that was great, I might try that again...Had some nice conversations, heard some interesting comments. Giggled quite a bit. Some things happened that suprised me, and caught me off guard, and made me look at things differently. (This is vague, sorry about that, I just don't feel the need to be uber-specific) Lots of things happened that I didn't expect, but that I was suprisingly comfortable with. I want all of this week to be interesting. Lets make it happen.

Emotional detachment. Do we actually have that capacity? And why do we want to be that way? Isn't that sort of cheating at life? Emotions are scary, especially when you feel them strongly. Those ones that almost jump up in your throat and make your gut feel weird. Someone was talking to me about that last week, and that got me thinking about it when I was driving from Dallas today. They just seemed suprised about how strongly they felt a few things, or at least just not sure what to do with the fact that they did feel those things the way they did. I think part of them wanted to push away and part of them just wanted to get lost in it. I didn't really know what to say in return. I don't think I was much help. Hmmm.

I need to just "be" sometimes.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
I'm done thinking now.
I've re-thought my week.
Re-thinking it was silly.
But I didn't care.

I can't wait to run tomorrow. I think next time I will write less. New York Super Fudge Chunk is the best.

once i wanted to be the greatest

It is Tuesday night. Well, officially Wednesday, but for all practical purposes, Tuesday night. My internal clock is completely out of whack. I mean irrefutably (I just really wanted to use that word, and I'm not sure I spelled it correctly...) messed up. Monday I slept until 12:30 in the afternoon (I wasn't feeling well, so it isn't like I was totally worthless-just mostly), went to work at school for about an hour, came home, read a chapter in a book and ended up sleeping for another 2 hours. Who know one person could be so sleepy?? Needless to say last night I was wide awake watching TV at 2:30 a.m. when I finally told myself that I should at least go lay in bed and see what happens. So I did. And I fell asleep until 9:30 this morning when I began the dangerous cycle of snooze-and-roll. I did the snooze-and-roll for about two and a half hours. Ridiculous I know. I was actually totally worthless. So then I just take forever to get ready and go downtown to the Arrangement to set up a work schedule. It was nutso around there, which is only going to get worse with Valentine's Day coming up. I will probably have rose thorns stuck in my fingers for about a week before Valentine's Day, but it will be okay becuase I am hopefully going to learn a ton about floral design! I am really looking forward to that because I love flowers and the way they make people feel. I mean think about it, you give someone flowers and it makes you feel happy, you receive flowers from someone and you are happy. For me I am just amazed at some flowers, they are so delicate and intricate, a true testament to the brilliance of creation. Those were the past few days in a nutshell. You're speechless, I'm sure.

Tomorrow I'm going to work at school for a bit. Hopefully there will be something to do. I may resort to filing or helping with the clipping and photocopying, although all of those tasks always leave me with a ton of papercuts. Oh yeah, please watch this clip and laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/w/Lazy-Sunday?v=HNKE4Fr03jU&search=lazy%20sunday
some of you will probably find it funnier than others. But I laughed. Enjoy. Since I can't give you flowers, I'm giving you that instead.

Sunday I went to church at Highland and Jerry Taylor spoke. I really enjoyed it for a few reasons, one being I enjoy his speaking, his style I guess. He is fun to listen to, and people always "Amen," "Praise God," "Hallelujah," 'Thank you Jesus" when he speaks, granted he asks for "a little bit of help" but I think it is great that he gets reaction. Anyways, he spoke about heavenly citizenship. I think one of my favorite things he said was "we do not live in the context of memory, but in the context of sanctified imagination." He addressed the tension we feel as we are pulled forward by the hope that is heaven but pulled back by our past lives, mistakes, etc, but that it is essential to walk in the salvation of today. Something that hit me pretty hard was that all I am is what I am today, right now...I guess it goes back to everyday being a new day (see post below). I mean when push comes to shove, I am not what I hope to be tomorrow, at the end of the day this is me, today is what I've got and I have to live in that and make that as much as I can and revel in the fact that heaven is in the future and be excited about it. (Sorry, that sentence was a run-on in so many ways, but that is just how it came out of my head...love me anyways though I am such a comma splicer) I am still processing the whole thing, but it was a nice message to hear Sunday, it was funny how some of the things I said in my blog really corresponded with what was being said and the scripture referenced. I smiled to myself.

There is something about going to church alone that makes me sad and lonely. I don't ever feel uncomfortable or out of place or anything, but it is nice to have someone you know sitting with you sometimes. But it is okay, I am getting to do a lot of things alone this semester, and I think I had better get used to that. I know I won't always have someone there to sit by me or anything, and sometimes I revel in that, but sometimes I just feel alone. Which isn't necessarily bad, just different. I guess I am just hoping to get myself fully comfortable with it becuase when I move from here, it will be highly likely that I will not know a ton of people. I think that is something we all know about "life after college" but I don't know if we always conciously think about it. I'm probably trying to hard to transition myself into "big girl-hood."

I don't know what else to write really. I'm still running and developing a love for it. (love-hate, but leaning toward love). Somehow I ended up coming back from my parents' house with a white headband. Like the ones tennis players wore back when John McInroe was cool. I wear it and feel like Richie Tenenbaum. Next I will buy a fur coat and a polo dress and smoke a cigarette. I guess that is it.

Mr. Pibb + red vines = crazy delicious.

say goodnight and go

I am cold. I'm just chilly all over and inside, even my teeth are cold, I can't figure this weird stuff out, and I would really like to be warm. I am blaming myself becuase I went on a run and probably should have worn more clothes than I did. It was a nice run, but a little weird. Imogen Heap is my new running music. For this week anyways.

So I'm running right? It is a little dreary outside, cold, overcast, it wasn't too late yet, just around 5, and all of the sudden every ounce of my body just feels heavy. Not even like physically heavy, it was like my emotions were making my body heavier and heavier. It was the strangest feeling. It was like I was bloated (gross word I know) with emotion and thought and craziness. Like I lost all sense of what was going on. Do you ever have those moments when you know you're moving fairly quickly but it just feels like you are standing still? (You're probably saying "Only when I take those funny pills...") But I am serious, it felt like it took me FOR-EV-ER to pass just a single house. I was just looking at it and it seemed to never end, and I thought about the fact that the sensation was totally weird and shook my head and said "What?" but it did not go away. I mean I don't even know what I was thinking about or being emotional about. I am not really that stressed out about any particular thing, I'm not really confused or sad or happy or disappointed or anxious. I just am. (This is the good part) Then I just started crying! While I was running!!! Seriously. What the heck?? But I haven't cried in a long time at least it seems that way. Maybe I just have emotional build-up. Sort of like plaque. Like when you get fuzzy teeth and feel like you need to brush them, maybe I have a fuzzy heart and fuzzy brain and they just need a good pressure wash. So weird I know.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow. I feel too far separated. It is funny how we try to figure out what we need. Who am I kidding??? I don't have a clue what I need or half the time even what I want. I mean I know some wants, but sometimes I find myself in a completely apathetic state. I did not even know that was possible for me, however, it has happened more in the past 4 months than in my entire life. I want my passion back. Maybe that is what made me cry today. Maybe I figured out that I was dispassionate. I think I just want to know that I mean something in the big scheme of things. And in the back of my head I know I do, but I'm pretty sure we all forget sometimes. But tomorrow is a new day. I am so thankful for those. They are what get me through sometimes. I'm looking for that balance between living each day to its fullest all while preparing for the next. I don't know what I'm talking about. Ha. It is also funny the people God puts in our lives. I mean if I look back I have had the biggest smorgasborge (sp?) of personalities and people in my life. And even weirder how some seem to be just "coincidence" or "chance" or whatever, but then you step back and look at everything, or you learn about other surrounding circumstances only to realize that that person was inevitably going to be in your life one way or another, at some point. What are you supposed to do with that? And how weird is that to think about? I think it is weird and funny and whatever. I mean think about how many people in your life are like that. You might find more than not. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, it is still kind of weird, but a little comforting at the same time. Once again, I don't know what I'm talking about. All of that to say I'm looking forward to church.

Last night Becca was here and we ate dinner with Camille and Emily. It was great. I miss my friends terribly sometimes. Just awfully other times. But I miss them either way. Weird knowing that you are probably all going to be apart for the rest of your lives. Sad, but not too sad because being reunited with people can be awesome.

Okay it is 7:30 p.m. and I've got some time to kill before it is time for sleep. I don't know what I am going to do. Hopefully I will find something. If nothing else, I can get industrious and clean and do some laundry!! I like starting off the week fresh. Even though my work week is not starting until Wednesday again this week, but hopefully that will be remedied next week.

I think someone around here has a pet skunk becuase all of the sudden it smells like skunk. I've decided that I have a really sensitive smeller.

underneath the covers

I am at work. Yeah, seriously. It is completely dead here today. At least here in the bowels of the Vanderpool building. Go figure. The one day I'm kind of sleepy and would love to have something to keep me busy is the one day there isn't a ton to do. I'm listening to Aerosmith, Sweet Emotion, becuase this song always kind of gives me a little pick me up for whatever reason. I don't know why I'm so sleey, I get a ton of sleep since I don't really do much of anthing, but I'm not on much of a regular schedule, so that might have something to do with it. I need a nap.

So in about an hour or so I'm calling and turning down a job. "Weren't you supposed to do that last week?" you ask. "Yes, I was but I called and they weren't there so I left a message and my call has never been returned," she said. That should be interesting. I'm nervous. I got all my courage up last week, and now here I am, as cowardly as ever. Just kidding, not really a cowardly lion, but somewhere in between Lion and Dorothy.

A new OC tonight. I can't wait. That is a reason Thursdays are great. The only thing about not being in school or being involved in extra-curricular activities is that I have no idea what to fill my time with. My "real" senior year of college was so busy with club/officer stuff ALL YEAR LONG, and school and work that I'm not sure I remembered to breathe half the time. But for some odd reason I thrive off being that busy. I have yet to figure that out. I can't remmeber the last time I had as much free time as I do now, and free time and I have a love-hate relationship. Oh well.

Okay I'm going to find something to do. I have on light blue pin-stripe pants today, and I'm loving it.

every little thing is gonna be all right

I woke up about 3 hours later than I intended today to my phone ringing "the text message noise" at me. Sometimes that is pleasant, sometimes that is not. Today it was somewhere in the middle. Me: "Uhhh, seriously? Who the heck is that?" (glance at the clock) "What? I totally set my alarm last night. Ugh." (Yeah all of that really was out loud). (I read text message) "What does that mean? Chapel? Huh?" Apparently I'm all kinds of clueless in the morning, and yeah so it was 11 and the rest of the civlized world had been up for about 4 hours already, but I'm working on moving into the civilized world as we speak. I can't even get simple jokes right after I wake up, unless I am mentally prepared to be alert post-snooze button. It is a pretty good rule that I need about 10-15 minutes on a good day to start moving at a comprehensible speed towards my daily productivity.

So then I got ready for my day and had my usual lunch, toasted turkey and cheddar sandwich, which I imagine I will be pretty sick of, oh like tomorrow. Anyways, then I ventured forth to Municipal Court, at City Hall, where I would be "appearing" to reconcile the traffic ticket I got two days ago. Now this wasn't a speeding ticket (try to silence yourselfs as you gasp in disbelief) but a "failure to obey a red light" type traffic violation. So here's the deal: I was just plain stupid. No other reason behind it. None. Unfortunately. I was driving the other night to get some Gatorade, and there is a flashing red light, I change my mind at the last minute about which way I'm going to turn and just straight up go through the light. I felt like a moron. But then the officer made me a little angry. He wasn't rude per se, but he talked down to me I assume becuase I'm a twenty-something female in a new car. Now, I don't think that is a very valid reason, I'm fairly car-savvy (just ask Becca-haha). I've had am engine basically blow up while I was driving and I still managed to do okay. (This was only after I walked 2 miles for more coolant and oil and used a Dr. Pepper bottle as a funnel. Yeah it still blew up...not my fault.) Anyways, that ruffled my feathers, but I was polite to him and provided him with all the information he asked for, yet he still insisted on speaking to me like a petulant child. I doubt there is anyway he will ever come across my blog, but if you do Officer Buras, just know I didn't appreciate that. Okay I will step off my soapbox now.

Back to Municipal Court. I waited in line for and hour. A WHOLE HOUR. It was torture. And it smelled really bad in there, like BO and dirty feet and that stuff they put on the carpet in elementary school when kids throw up and miss the trash can they are running towards. But I got it taken care of, and that was the most exciting thing I did today. Oh yeah, and I made a few flower arrangements at Hobby Lobby that were really fun (they included feathers!!!) but I decided not to buy them after I spent like 25 minutes wandering through the floral aisles picking through hydrangeas and peonies and wild tuscan rose sprigs. Then I ran a few miles. And let me just tell you that I thought I was going to die from being so cold. I am such a wuss. (This is when my mom laughs at me and says "And you're thinking about going to school in New York or Boston??") Yeah, I'll have to toughen up a bit.

What else? I've got nothing. No drama, no weird conversations, no nothing. I'm sorry for running short on diatribes, essays regarding odd relationships, or reactions to new information, if I'm your daily source, maybe there will be a new shipment soon. Right now I'm fresh out. But I'm thinking thats not a bad thing. Oh it is never really as dramatic or awkward as it sounds, well okay so sometimes, we all know that.

I think I will bake some cookies now. I even cooked myself dinner tonight, I will soon be competing for the domestic diva title. When you catch me in my heels and pearls, it is time for a intervention. But then again, June Cleaver had it pretty good.

so tired

All of the sudden I got sleepy. Who knows why. I realized a few more things. I'm tired of dealing with "stuff." Whatever stuff that might be. Why can't we all just live and do what we do and things be cool? But everything always gets so complicated. For absolutely no reason Drama rama (to quote a dear friend) Ew. (to quote myself) But the nice thing about it all is we can sit back and laugh at it when it is over. Something I give thanks for in my prayers: my sense of humor. It gets me through. Although sometimes I'm a bit smart aleck-y (sp?) about things when I should probably be more serious, but I think that is to communicate that everything is really okay in my book.

I like friends. They are nice. I'm happy for the ones I have had forever, but amazingly sad that I have to miss most of them. I am happy for those I have reestablished, for those I have but rarely see, and for the new ones. I think that covers all of them, except for those I don't have yet, but I'll be happy for them when I get them I'm sure.

Oh and I also love to dance. I would like to take this time to have a throwback to freshman year (and sophomore year for that matter), and say that I'm positive that I need a hardcore dance party on the 3rd floor after which the windows are fogged up and we have to crawl illegally out onto the balcony to cool off. If I thought I could dance so hard by myself here in my apartement that I could fog up my window, I would, but I think that is less than plausible.

i think i'll go for a walk outside now

I'm reading a new book and I am loving it. Not everyone will love it, but I do, so I'm going to tell you about it. It is Sex, Drugs and Coco Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. This book is laugh out loud funny. Seriously, I sit on my couch or on my bed and read it and laugh out loud, which I feel a bit silly doing, but at least I'm not on an airplane or in a waiting room or something.

So the premise is just one person's musing about the life he lives. A fairly ingenius commentary on popular culture. Granted there are some essays that are slower than others, and some I don't connect with nearly as well, and ideas that I don't agree with, but the fact that he can write so verbosely, literally about nothing, (i.e. cereal advertising and its effects on "coolness") is something to respect and laugh about at the same time. I think that is what I appreciate the most about the material. Not the fact that it will change the world or anything, but the fact that even nothing is something and he is making that point. Breakfast cereal, Billy Joel, his hatred for Coldplay, internet porn, Pam Anderson v. Marilyn Monroe,---he pretty much covers it all. We can all totally relate to certain nuances in our culture that seem like nothing, but when we really sit back and think about them tend to define the world we live in.

Totally weird, and I love it. Pick up this book if you even think you might enjoy reading it. You probably will enjoy at least some of it. The Royal Tenenbaums last night was most excellent. I enjoyed it.

Today I feel happy. I have a "we're all in this together" attitude today.

Something else that just came to me. So I'm pretty sure I come across (or have come across) as completely distraught about life in some of my posts. I'm not. I promise. I just have this weird ability to go on and on about one instance in my day, or one thought in my head, or one situation and make it seem like it is consuming my life. It is not. I promise. But if I gave you a play-by-play of my day (i.e. woke up, brushed teeth, took shower, thought about drinking orange juice but decided against it, checked mail, went to work, filed fingernails, etc, etc), you would be bored out of your mind, and maybe, just maybe I am providing some sort of entertainment while allowing my own little mind to process this life and what it is all about. Blog posts are not the enterity (is that a word??) of my (nor can I believe they are the enterity of anyone elses') thought process, feelings, emotions, whatever. Just a fraction. I just know that some people reading might be like "whoa, she needs a vacation from life" when really, as nice as that might be, its not time for a vacation yet. Maybe I have a flair for the mellodrama and no one told me, but I'm pretty sure that is my little sister's area of expertise, not mine. It is meant to be more just me talking to you or whoever else is willing to listen. No strings attached, no agendas, just talking. Just some things I like to chew on and so maybe you will too, but not for too long becuase if it is anything like the Pina Coloda gum that we love, it will lose its flavor by the time you finish reading this. Okay that is all the explaining/apologizing I am going to do for my writing. You don't mind too much or you wouldn't keep reading I suppose. Anyways....

Have a happy day. It is a bit cloudy here today, but happy cloudy. Hug someone (A hug is probably one of the greatest expressions of emotion on the planet. We take them for granted. We should stop that.) Fly a kite. Get a sno cone. Pet a dog. Run a mile. Take a candid picture.

This was kind of a random out there blog. But surely we can all appreciate stream of conciousness. Maybe I write the way I do becuase I live by myself. Sort of like having a conversation, minus the second party looking at you.

what she wants you to see

This entry is a tribute to Billy Joel. This is his "Always a Woman," and I know its about a girl and I am a girl, but I'm totally feeling this song right now for whatever reason that is. Comments will follow that may or may not be relevant to the song.
___________________________________________
She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
Yeah, she hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

(chorus:)
Oh-she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh-and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
__________________________________________

Okay now, you ask, "what is the relation?" Beats the heck out of me, she said. I'm just loving this right now, becuase the woman is so powerful yet so completely vulnerable. Something in that speaks to me, I think something in that speaks to mankind in general.

But the line "She only reveals what she wants you to see" is endlessly intriguing to me. Is that how we all are? I will admit it, as "straight-shooting" as I can be (or maybe as I want to be) sometimes, I know I'm guilty or giving off certain impressions of myself. When you sit back and think about it, it is funny how we pick and choose who knows what about our character, etc. Partially I think it is becuase we lack a full understanding of ourselves, but isn't that an issue that goes back to Eden (identity, what we put our identity in, what we do when we discover new things about ourselves, why we crave knowledge, why we despise not knowing the "whole truth," why are we seeking more when we could be satisfied with what we have been given.....maybe that is a weird interpretation, but it is one I cannot ignore). Interesting in court we are sworn to tell "the whole truth." Seems with our curiosity of the rest of the world we would be perfectly willing to tell the whole truth, since that is what we in turn expect. Tangent. Sorry, anyways....

It is so interesting how people react when they realize people are knowing things about them they had no idea people were knowing. We get scared. We run off, we pull away, or push others away. But why? I mean, what would be the purpose of pulling away once these things were already known? It doesn't make us any less vulnerable, it just gives a sense of control again in a world where we sometimes feel like we have none. But how do we pick and choose who to push away? And when the snowball gets rolling a little too fast down the hill we put on the brakes. But maybe we should just go with it. I don't know. Maybe I would feel less pressure if I just went with it. In moderation of course.

But again, it is funny, we are okay with a special insight into others' world, but not okay with them having special insight into ours. We are a bit selfish with ourselves. But all with good intentions. Self-preservation is a powerful thing. It is just funny how that works out. People will take serious measures to remove, alter, change or erase information. Odd, but we have all done it. Well, I know I have, and that is the only reason I feel okay making that statement But understandable in a certain way. Oddly enough, it is those we know that we feel we must remove, alter, change and erase information for. Shouldn't we be more concerned with those we don't know? Yet continually, we worry about those we do. Since we do know them, and if they are of any value to us, shouldn't it just be okay? Shouldn't they love us regardless, in spite of and because of it all? I hope I can do that And not just do that, but be able to show that. That is what I pray for. That and discernment. That and discernment and that those I know can love me regardless, in spite of and becuase of it all. Maybe that is a tall order, but it is worth a shot right?

I will end with the definition of surreal. For several reasons. I like that word a lot, maybe it is the spelling; I like the idea of it; I like the principle behind its use; I like the little bit of eeriness it evokes; I like it in its positive connotation. So here we go:
surreal: adj; having an oddly dreamlike quality.

With that I'm off to view The Royal Tenenbaums.

a fool for lesser things

Well I spent the weekend (Saturday-early Tuesday morning) in Austin and it was great fun. I loved it. I got there on Saturday evening and went to some shows at Emo's. It was good, I will write more about them later, I'm bored beyond the point of extensive writing right now. Which is my own fault because I took a long nap this afternoon/evening so I'm currently wide awake.

Despite the fact that I woke up at 5:00 a.m. after tossing and turning all night, I feel suprisingly chipper. Not exactly bright eyed and bushy tailed, but somewhere remotely close. Maybe it is becuase I had a remarkably good weekend conisdering the serious amount of awkward situations I managed to put myself in . Namely last night. When multiple people you have any sort of relationship history with are in the same room, one is bound to feel awkward. And it seemed like they did at first, but then after the show when I spoke with them again it was better, and I was relieved. It was weird though becuase I hadn't seen said person probably in about 6-8 months, and I really was interested in what was going on in their life, but you could tell the person felt extremely uncomfortable at first. Other than that I got to see some old friends and some new friends I hadn't seen in awhile either, which was great. I wish I'd had the opportunity to talk to the latter a little more, but we live in the same town, so that is a little more likely to happen again. But seeing old friends from freshman year was nice. Very nice.

So I came back to Abilene with a positive outlook on things. Or maybe just a content outlook. I feel a little more steady where I am at with particular relationships and I like that. Granted there is always a little uncertainity, but it is nice for the steadiness to come in every once in awhile and give me some balance. Its feeling more balance, and I feel like things are going back to normal. Whatever that might be.

I was offered a job in Abilene last week. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. I'm thinking I'm leaning towards no. It would be a great first job (marketing and PR for a non-profit), but when push comes to shove, I feel itchy to get out of town. I'm here until March with the job I have now, but it has just been difficult to think about turning down a job that 1. I didn't apply for, they pursued me; 2. they offered to me and are being completely flexible and understanding. It is hard to know what to do. Do I take it and learn to like it even though I'm thinking it might not be a very good fit for me, I think I could work there, but I'm not sure I'm as passionate about it as I should be, and I think that can be a disservice, especially in a non-profit organization. At the same time, I got offered a job, that is a big deal, especially since I'm looking to be fully employed. I don't want to take it and kick myself if I find something better, but I don't want to not take it only to hate life when I can't find anything else in the cities I'm looking at. But I am glad that my first post-graduation interviewing process was positive, although it might have been nice to have a bad one so they could only get better from there. I welcome your insight.

In the meantime, it is time for nocturnal static, I mean state.

take a seat

I am nearing the end of my first day of "real" work. Technically I'm not sure it is still a real job or not, but I'm comfortable here. I've been a student worker in this office for the past three and a half years, so I know where things are, I know how things work. I like that. It is just deathly quiet. You get really really comfortable with the clicking of your own keyboard, and try to search out things to type so you don't have to hear the silence, becuase hearing the silence and seeing the rest of the world outside through the window going about things while you sit and are deafened by nothing.

On the desk I am sitting at there is an office-wide picture that we all took before the Christmas holidays. It is a pretty good picture, thank goodness it isn't last years' (talk about rough), but I think I look funny. Of course. I think you can tell I'm standing on my tippy toes. But I had to! I have developed the worst sleeping patterns the past two days and it is really catching up with me. My body is aching. My neck and shoulders are really sore, and my throat hurts. I hope I'm not getting sick, I've done pretty well at staying well this school-year, I don't want or need to get sick.

It is Thursday, I'm in love. Or something like that. I just am. Although I am having a hard time believing that it is Thursday. As much as this break felt like it would never end, I'm not sure where this week has gone. I'm supposed to leave for Austin tomorrow, and I hope I can get all my stuff together between now and then for the weekend so I can leave at 5. Otherwise I may not be leaving until Saturday morning, which is kind of a pain, becuase we all know I am a total night owl.

I know this was a completely anti-climactic, non-descriptive blog. I have some things to say about the first part of the week, but work is almost over, and there is no time, so I will save all kinds of excitement for tomorrow. Here is a re-cap: driving to Abilene, Rocketboys show, funny conversations, illnesses revleaed, lazy Wednesday, Papa Johns and the Rose Bowl. I hope everyone caught the Rose Bowl last night and saw my boyfriend, Matt, #11 for USC. Even though he was a bit grumpy during the post-game interview, he is nice to look at. Although I can't blame him, I would probably have been in a bad mood too, and he and Reggie Bush did go congratulate the horns, so he is completely redeemed in my book for any smart remarks about which way the game went. Sorry Matty, you'll still get drafted. You and Vince.

that you only meant well

It is my last day at my parents' house. All in all it has been good. I figured I'd blog while I was burning pictures onto CDs for my dad. He is at the Cotton Bowl and I am jealous. I wish I had gone, even though Tech lost. It would have been fun!

Okay so I read my last entry, and I'm not a nut I promise. Just don't read too much into it, okay? I'm not weirded out about whatever it was I was weirded out about anymore, I'm just complacent about it I guess. Nothing new I can really do or think about the situation, so I need to just take the advice I give to others and just breathe. I forget to do that sometimes. I need to just be. I try I really do, I just think way too much. Any of you who know me at all know that. Things will be fine. I am fine. You are fine. We are all fine.

I saw King Kong yesterday. It was good, although I could have done with fewer giant bugs, head-sucking swap worms, and tyrannosaurus rex v. King Kong fight scenes (in which Kong threw punches and I giggled to myself a little...I mean imagine monkey arms v. t-rex arms, its funny). There was extensive screaming, thrashing and running, but I still thought it was good. Jack Black was completely appropriate, and Naomi Watts was doe-eyed most of the time towards old Kong. I adored Adrien Brody's role, and the scenery was nothing short of spectacular considering a reasonable amount of it was computer generated or had computer generated images over it. Truly amazing to look at. Kudos to the newly thin, shaven, and groomed Peter Jackson. If nothing else the period costumes were gorgeous, note Watts' peacoat with Victorian style buttons on the sleeves--adorable, I am looking for something similar.

Well, my car is loaded, for the most part, and I'm off to Abilene. My boss at school had her baby yesterday morning, he was the first in Abilene of the New Year! So that is incredibly exciting, I can't wait to meet him; it also means I go in to work tomorrow afternoon to meet with the man I will be sharing her job with. I think it will be a fun couple of months, I'm excited about being on the non-student worker side of it.

Well that is all. Maybe I will have something to share when I get back to Abilene and get unpacked. Unpacking is a feat I am seriously dreading, but I have 2.5 hours in the car to figure out where everything will go. I hope some of you played outside today since it feels like springtime.

I love Paris in the springtime.