what i can and cannot do

I feel better today. I made myself go to sleep earlier, even though I probably should have done some more work, but I feel better so hopefully I'm being more productive today. Note I say that while I'm writing a blog. Eh. Oh well.

So today has been funny so far. That is good, I like funny. I've read some things that I have just balked at. Seriously done a double take and then gagged a little. I know sometimes I am overly critical, and I should be much less condescending, but some people's actions/words/sentences are a little ridiculous. But that is just one person's opinion. I should be nice, it is much more polite.

I have taken a liking to analyzing/laughing at situations again. "Here we go." I know that is probably what you are thinking, but I probably won't share here. Just doesn't always seem appropriate. I know I'm vague sometimes, but some days it just isn't worth the hassle. I'm generally laughing at the ridiculous nature of what I am observing, but before you think I'm just laughing at other people, please know I am most often laughing at situations I find myself in/a part of/involved with somehow. Just silly really. I'm more likely to be specific with you in a one on one situation.

Another thing I find silly. When I talk to some people and they ask how living here is it is automatically "How do you like it?" "How is the job?" "Have you made new friends?" "Are you dating anyone?" Basically rapid fire. And seriously. Give me a break, if you know anything about my "more than friends life" in the past year you know that is a slimey can of worms. Okay, okay, not the males involved themselves--not sleazy for the most part, and those who are don't read this so it doesn't matter--but the situations just managed to end up totally whacked out for no good reason. Everything that has happened in my life in those regards probably could have gone much much smoother, but it didn't, and I learned from it, and everyone emerged on the other side fairly unscathed. And now those things are funny, sometimes secrets to laugh about when there are only two or three of you, but funny, regardless.

On a more serious note, a lot has changed in the past year. In the past two months for that matter. For the better really. I've come out of that weird cloud I was under and I feel like myself again. Whatever that feels like. The other day I thought about that and realized that those new friends I had in Abilene were great. (I single out those friends, becuase my other friends already knew my antics...the Abilene friends were those I found when I was there from last August to this July) There is really no explanation for that in my mind--a lot of weird circumstances were happening--this is totally cheesy sounding I'm sure, but thinking about all of that makes me know that God puts people in your life for a reason. I see people in my life right now who I thought were pretty much one act players, but they are still around and I think that is good, interesting, weird, funny, cute, silly, etc. Sorry to get all Oprah there. I'm over it now.

Kylie said to me "You do realize you have had more drama recently with guys who you aren't even dating than with anyone you have actually ever dated?" I said yes. Then I gagged. :) Please know this is all in jest, well mostly.

In answer to the four FAQs: OKC is good, I'm still learning fun things about it. Work is fine. I work a ton, it keeps me busy and I teaching six hours of dance classes a week as well. Yes, I have made a few new friends, but give me some more time I haven't even been here two months yet. No, I am not dating anyone, nor have I been on any dates. I have had one, maybe two people sort of register as blips on that radar since I made the great trek north, but no. I am obviously not ready for that, otherwise something might happening--my full take on things warrants a separate blog.

Back to being judgemental, we were joking about guys and "ugly" girls earlier. Yes, ugly is all about perception, I realize that. Please keep in mind that we do not think we are super awesome, nor were we comparing ourselves to any one person; we were not trying to be hateful. If you know either of us, you know what I'm saying here. It is less a theory about "ugly" girls and more of a silly theory about guys--you know, the whole "the opposite sex is a mystery, let's find ridiculous ways to explain it" type thing. You get the point. Here is a theory as presented by Kylie. "I have a theory about guys and ugly girls. If you rearrange the letters in ugly and take out the l, that spells guy. Maybe that makes guys think they have more in common with those girls, that they'd be easier to get along with."
P.S. My ears are actually sore from those dang headphones.

Listening: The Streets, Hardest Way to Make an Easy Living

headphones hurt my head

I went to Walgreen's at lunch and bought some little headphones to leave here at work. They are hurting my ears. Maybe I just didn't put them in right. I don't know, I think my ear holes are too small for these things. They really hurt! This is ridiculous.

Kylie and I were talking the other day and recognized the fact that we have a "finals week" every month. That week is this week. We are in the throes of finals week and I'm already ready to jump off a cliff. I got really bogged down last week with a couple of projects and will be scrambling this week. I've made some serious progress toda though; after work, and two hours of dance I will do home eat a sandwich or make a hot dog with ketchup and work for two more hours then go to bed. That is my goal anyways. I think doing that will make me feel better tomorrow about where I'm at with my word count.

Enough of that boring stuff...oh wait, I'm just kind of boring. Ha. I apparently couldn't get enough sleep this past weekend. No matter when I went to sleep, I ended up sleeping a solid 12 hours and am still exhausted today. I am a little concerned that I am getting sick. My allergies are going crazy and my throat has been killing me the past few days. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I've already had mono (and have had the opportunity to get it again several times), so I don't think that is the problem. I don't know what the problem is. I want to start running again, that will probably help me feel better too, but I don't have time this week--at least not these first few days.

It is 3:30 p.m. and I'm yawning like crazy. Good grief. Today is first day of classes at ACU. Ahhh, Opening Chapel. Always such a sight. I know this sounds funny, but I've been missing Abilene things/people the past few days. I think about things or people and I get a little sentimental. To all those people/things: I miss you.

I have experienced new levels of flakey from people since I've moved here. But it is probably for the better.

My eyes are totally drooping right now, I'm going to have to get up and walk around.

Oh yeah, I will be running away soon, just in case you were wondering. Not sure when, not sure to where, and it all may be a little more planned out rather than spontaneous, but I will run away for a few days and it will be an adventure.

Listening: In the Reins, Calexico/Iron & Wine

pick out what you like (new and improved version)

Just in case you weren't sure, Laguna Beach is back. I don't know about you, but I was a little excited. It is a guilty pleasure type thing, what can I say? I missed yesterday's episode, so I'm trying to catch it on MTV even though I should be in bed.

Today was the basketball game at work. The team I was a fan for lost, soooo we don't get to go in late tomorrow. Gotta be on time. Again. It is okay though, I've got to get some serious work done. Here are some pictures:

The Gorillaz (in red)

The game. Duh.

The fans...they take the annual game pretty serious around here.

aaaaaaaaand...

The final score: Smurfs 30, Gorillaz 14. Hey, look at that really cute scorekeeper, too bad her team didn't win, she looks like she could have used two hours extra sleep. Don't worry, she's got plenty of work to do anyways.

I don't have anything to say again. Oh well. I read some interesting things today. I would like some new music. I'm going to the driving range with Ky tomorrow. Maybe I'll have something else to say tomorrow. I'm thirsty.

It's kinda intense, huh?

the abomination that causes desolation

i should be in bed. seriously. it is 11:30 p.m., and i should be in bed. sometimes i get tired of typing grammatically correct, well-punctuated and capitalized sentences. i'm sorry your eyes and brains must suffer from my present lack of capitals punctuation and grammar. whatever, i can't help the at least halfway decent grammar.

it is wednesday, and it was a pretty good day. i have a huge bruise on my knee from who knows what. i think it is from dance class. i decided to turn over a new leaf tonight. hopefully i'll still be on the right side tomorrow. new leaves can be good. jennifer leaf bass. that's what i used to say instead of leigh.

tomorrow is the annual tate publishing basketball game. it all goes down at 4 p.m. i'm a fan for team one--the gorillas, represented by the color red. whoo hoo. whichever team wins, they and their fans get to go into work two hours late on friday. not to mention we all go to a gym an hour before the workday ends in order to watch/play basketball. and we get paid for it. pretty coolio, huh? it is the gorillas v. the smurfs, in case you were wondering.

seriously, i think i have a magnet somewhere on me that puuuuuulls awkward things my direction. it is funny and weird. mostly funny. :) i had a few more of those "huh???" moments today. ha. things that i had to repeat to myself a few times in my head and think about because for some reason i was easily confused today. i just felt like some of these things were out of no where and i didn't always understand the point, but then again i always analyze things to death, it's what i do. sorry, guys. if you're reading this you're probably over that flaw though. whatever.

i ranted to my senior editor, cdub, today. he thought it was funny. he just hasn't seen that side of me yet and he found it fairly amusing. cool.

i not very sure what to say now. i don't really want to go off on any tangents or address anything specific. sorry for the boring posts, i seem to forget funny or amusing things when i sit down to write a blog. maybe you will get lucky tomorrow. i pretty much love my bed.

Watching: The Fighting Temptations

ooohhhh, baby, baby

i have a few minutes to kill, so i thought i'd write a quick blog. blaaaaah. that was me gagging b/c my day has been out of control. there were so many visitors at the office today and it took every ounce of sefl-control to open my door and smile. ugh.

so i got super stressed out today. sucks. i have absolutely nothing clever to say here. nothing. i want to go home, but i have two more dance classes tonight. i've really got to work on this heinous schedule of mine. 8-8 isn't cutting it anymore. maybe in college, but not now, and seeing how i don't even know what i'm getting paid for this dance gig, i think some changes should happen.

tomorrow is wednesday. cool. if it is anything like today i'll hate it as i usually do. sometimes i feel sorry for wednesday. but usually not. but at least my new pefume still smells good.

some things i would like right now:
a nap
my sweats
fuzzy sox
mac and cheese
a strawberry smoothie, no more of this fuze tropical punch crap
dance party
a camera
clove (or 6)

that's all i can think of. i've got to get out of here now. see ya, suckas.

what is it about love that makes us so stupid?

I'll take a mulligan. Thanks. Now that we have that out of the way...

Today was one of the most emotional wracking days I've had since I left Abilene. Come to think of it, the past two days have been a bit trying. I know my past few entries have been a bit introspective, but what can you do? If you don't want to read it, you don't have to, okay? Okay. Now that we have that out in the open...today is Saturday. I am currently sitting on the couch at Kylie and Eric's house watching ABC Family and dog-sitting.

I feel like I got quite a few things accomplished today, but I have been in a daze--just going through the motions really. Last night a friend told me they were disappointed. I was so sad. It made my heart hurt; it was a fact I knew myself, but it is just different when someone else who knows you on a unique level tells you that. I know they weren't trying to hurt my feelings, just being honest, but it just reiterated some thoughts I've been having, and it made me miss the type of reality checks and tough love kind of relationship that I have with that friend.

This morning one of my very dearest friends told me he will be leaving for Baghdad in three weeks. I just sat on the floor and cried. I haven't talked with him in a few weeks, but I imagine I will be talking with him a few times before he leaves. I'm just not sure what I'm "supposed" to think or whatever.

Then some tentative plans for this evening were cancelled due to some circumstances. It is a weird situation, and I'd rather not get into it, but there was a conversation that I think really needed to happen; maybe that is just my opinion though, when I should just move on. Who knows. So that was slightly disappointing I guess, but more frustrating. It'll get worked out, I know.

Then there is this other thing that I just feel completely stupid about. Yeah. Stupid. I'm a stupid girl. I think one thing and say it; I make myself vulnerable and with that vulnerability eventually comes the realization that I'm just caught up in something that may be complete nonesense. It is nonesensical really, nothing about it makes any sort of sense, or has any kind of semblance to any sort of reality. But is that really an accurate reflection of the situation? If there is no relevance, why is it happening? Is there something in those circumstances worth paying serious attention to?

I realized today what I want. Not sure if it is the same thing as what I need, but sometimes the two align right? It is storming outside. ut I think there are a few ways to accomplish both things, I guess it will just be a suprise as to which way/when/how/if it all happens. Because sometimes we get what we want/need in unexpected ways.

There is a new show coming on ABC this fall called Six Degrees. It is about the statistic that any one person is connected to any one other person through six other people at most. I love things like that. That is the part of life that fascinates me the most, who we are, who we know, and how each person who comes in and out of our lives has an effect on us. Maybe that is why I have been thinking so much about all of the above circumstances. Eh, next time I will think less, I will make a list or something, or just give a play by play of my day. Something really regular like that. Regular like undiet Coke. It is storming bigger now. Please come share the storm with me. Tomorrow it will be Sunday, my favorite day for afternoon movies with you.

Watching: Under the Tuscan Sun

do your chain hang low

Well. It is Friday. Thank goodness. I'm restless and just ready for some weekend time when I can schedule whatever I want and not do whatever I want. There are a few things I definately need to get accomplished, but it will be nice to just do it on my own time.

I've been feeling kinda funky the past couple of days. Just thinking a lot again. I'm finding I don't have a whole bunch of time to let my brain just run wild, so these past few days when it has, it has sort of made everything off-kilter. Not quite sure what it is. The 6-week funk maybe? Probably, I've heard that's pretty catching.

I'm dog-sitting for Immy and King this weekend. Should be fun, I'm looking forward to playing a lot. We're pretty good friends. I just know it is going to make me want a puppy even sooner. All in due time. We have a refrigerator at work and it has an ice machine in the door. There is NEVER any ice in there, but people always, without fail, pound the lever over and over. It is all in vain. Just open the door and look before you go pounding away, they should know after five visits to the freezer that there is never any ice in there. Seriously. Maybe I am just more sensitive to it seeing as how my office is like three yards from said appliance. It just drives me crazy.

Here's the thing, there are some circumstances in life that I think I will absolutely never understand. There are a few right now to which I just say "Ummmm, what???" Yeah. We all have those, right? (my eyes are burning right now, dang contacts are driving me bananas) I'm sleepy, I stayed up past my bedtime last night talking on the phone. I felt like I was in high school again, it was funny. The whole thing was funny, not just feeling like I was in high school. I'm such an oversharer; I need a new filter. Whatever, I obviously am not too afraid of offending anyone; if I was I probably wouldn't say half the things I do. Things are funny. I feel like I have plenty of things to consider, but aboslutely no ability to take an action or make a decision. Why is that? Circumstances. People always say "timing is everything" with relationships or whatever, but isn't that pretty true in the rest of life? I feel like timing is everything has become my life's mantra. That and "patience grasshopper." ha.

THE ICE MACHINE HAS NO ICE! STOP POUNDING!

Back to my thoughts, anyways, so I have been experiencing so many odd things lately. That is really the only was to describe them. Odd. They aren't "super weird" or "awful" just odd. Random would probably work too. Just funny occurances, conversations, thoughts, looks, ideas, intentions, etc. Just all over the place. This morning at one point I totally weirded out. It was like I took a step back and saw everything that was going on and realized that I felt silly. I kind of like being silly though. Anyways, the moral of the story is, things are odd, and I'm back to my daily grind of attempting to process and realize where it all fits in, becuase honestly a lot of it seems erroneous. Like static. But it is still happening, not just a blip, so what's gonna give? I mean seriously, some of it just seems like it is happening just to happen, for no purpose or good or bad, it is just going on. Just thinking in type...that's all. So then there are those times that you do or say things and then you just stop and think "Whhhhaaaaatttt?" Haha. Oh man, these days.

Anyways, that is all. I'm all over the place, as normal and I'm again missing some things today. Also wanting some things, not wanting some things, wishing I had some things, thinking how nice it might be if things just "were" instead of being complicated. But there are always little strings somewhere aren't there? We just don't always see them at first.

whatcha wanna do?

i'm really really grumpy. grumpy beyond compare. and a little bummed out about some things. how is it that i've been here less than six weeks and I'm already itching? i don't understand, will someone please explain? since i'm grumpy i've decided to make a list of things i like in order to make myself feel less grumpy. then i'm giving up on tuesday and going to bed. i wish i was in bed already.

things i like: (part 3 i think)
thunderstorms
funny kids
big big hugs
my teddy bear
chapstick
yummy perfume
puppies
cuddling
hot showers
smiling
naps
kisses on my forhead and nose
wearing skirts
not feeling weird
baseball season
bests
funny circumstances
pillows
jokes
hot tea
swimming
sunday afternoon movies with you
funny dreams

time for bed. i'm missing things right now.

natural artesian water

So the other day I'm watching the TV guide channel, right? Because, let's face it, I really like the TV guide channel, even though Talan from Laguna Beach is now a contributing reporter for "Teen Talk" or something like that. It took me a minute to figure it out, but it is definately him. Anyways, so I'm watching all the shows scroll by, and have you noticed they scroll so slow when you are just ready to get to a certain channel, but scroll super fast when you are actually trying to read everything?? We get to the Discovery Channel, right, and guess what is coming on at 8:30 p.m.? "The Science of Shark Sex." WHAT??? a) what member of American's general population is really going to watch that? b) who in their right mind in the marketing department at the Discovery Channel thought shark sex was the next big thing? c) how did the camera guys feel about having to tape that? No, I didn't bother watching.


Next. It seems we have entered some sort of countdown stage to the five year anniversary of 9/11. Please do not misunderstand me here, I think it is a day that should be remembered with reverence and sobriety, but doesn't it feel like everyone is going a little crazy? With the whole giant terrorist arrest in London last week, and 9/11 coming up, people are freaking out. And CNN, Fox News, the History Channel, et al, are showing specials about different aspects of 9/11. "The Miracle of Stairway B" about the people in the second tower who escaped down a stairwell, specials about the security of America and the number of possible targets in any given city--landmarks, ports, airports, shopping malls; World Trade Center opening last week (which had very low numbers at the box office)... I don't know. It just makes me think. I understand the exploration may just be part of the healing process. And it was a very public event, so it seems natural that healing must take place on a public level, but something about all the hoopla just rubs me the wrong way.

It is Tuesday and it feels like Monday. Last night was my first night of dance classes, which were fun. Tonight we go at it again, and then again tomorrow. I think having another place to go besides work, home and Ky and Eric's house will be good for me. I was going to start running again last night, but it started pouring. It was torrential when I was driving home from the dance studio, then it lightened up, but was pretty steady until I went to bed. The ground needed the rain though. Still raining this morning, though there isn't a window in my office so it may have stopped by now.

At work I like to eat beef jerky and fruit roll-ups. My bangs are in my face right now. Kind of driving me crazy. I feel very mod today. Is it obvious that I am not wanting to work? Yeah...I thought so. There is a furry headband at J. Crew that I think needs to belong to me.

I freak out less these days. That is good. Even though there are probably a few things that I should in fact freak out about. I just haven't been really. I like that. Although I'm looking for a few things to reach a breaking point in the next five days or so; an experience I am actually anticipating, just so I don't even have to consider a few thoughts anymore. That'll be good.

I love the rain. Would someone like to come play in it with me? Great, see you outside.

Listening: Sigur Ros, ( )

just look at it again

It is 12:36 a.m. Why I am up is lost to me. It is that night owl tendancy, I just can't overcome it. Never will. Hopefully when/if I get married, he will understand.

Last night I stayed up sort of late and unpacked some boxes that were still waiting patiently. And I cleaned while I watched Almost Famous. It was good for me. I'd been in a bit of a funk, so it was good to be really produtive in an area of my life other than my job. I think I am coming off of the "I just moved to a new city/got a new job/new life of sorts" high, and I'm coming down kind of hard. But I am staying incredibly busy it seems, though I would like to work on my social life a little bit. New church on Sunday though, so that should be good, right?

My job...lots of work outside the office. But it is okay, I'm still trying to get my feet under me. I have some work to do over the weekend, but hopefully it will stay within reason. I've got some interesting books this month. One is written by a woman who used to be Mormon and is now (involved in) Christian(ity). Maybe I'll finish that one tonight? Maybe not. I feel like the biggest nerd, reading for work on a Friday night, but you know, you do what you can I guess.

edit: for Price...well and the rest of the general public/the 15 people who read this: Mormons are Christians. I didn't mean for it to sound like they weren't; I meant to get the point across that this woman was a Mormon, then joined mainstream Christianity. So I guess I should have just said that...sorry guys. Though, after reading her book, she didn't really do that so much either, so I don't really know what she classifies herself as now.

Today after work, Kylie and I went to the mall and ratted around, then she, Eric and I went to the Fox and the Hound and bummed around for about an hour. Baseball was on and so was a station with a great series of music videos, i.e. Coldplay's Yellow...it has been a few years hasn't it? Ha. Then home I came. I missed a phone call tonight that I would have like to have not missed.

I will be teaching some dance classes at a studio in Yukon (a suburb). I'm excited, it should be fun. We start on Monday; I'm a little nervous actually, it has been awhile since I've taught, but I'm excited. I'll have kids as young as 2 and as old as 10, I believe. We'll see how that all goes.

I'm yawning now. Time for something. Maybe I will just curl up and fall asleep in my favorite chair. :) I'm a bit worried there is something up here that is making my allergies seriously unhappy. I'll have to work on that.

Watching: Mona Lisa Smile

where i want to be

Uh-oh...two posts in the same week, watch out world, I'm getting back in my groove. So I'm about to go to sleep and I can't wait, but I just felt like I needed to use the creative energy or whatever it is that is making my brain run. I don't understand the express lane at Target, it is NOT quick. It poured here today, but it was kind of nice. I wish it was still raining, I like it when it rains.

Do you ever just feel kind of stupid and funny about something? I do. About a few things really. Like you're just playing a giant game or something. Don't get me wrong, I believe I have a pretty light-hearted attitude about some occrances right about now, which is great for me. I tend to dwell and overanalyze, but I've gotten to the point where I just accept. You truly never know what is going to happen. I have realized that I absolutely despise when someone tells you one thing because they think it is what you want to hear, but their actions refute their words. Consistency is key. Eh. Whatever. I don't know. I just know I'm pretty happy with where I'm at for right now. Granted there are a few things I might tweak, but overall, I'm good. I've realized a ton of things about myself and about people I've surrounded myself with. It has been enlightening. To say the very least (this post sounds a little like those from the first part of the year...but believe me--completely different).

Though I do have some things inside my head that I would like to get out, but sometimes that just doesn't happen on my own personal time now does it? Patience is a virtue, one I occasionally lack in. I thought I was getting closer to being done with all my adjusting, but new adjustments came this week, so I'm trying to get my thoughts together.

Anyways, that is all. I don't care to get particularly specific right now, seeing as how I'm exhausted and I just don't want to get into it. :) I love my bed and I love laying in it. So that is what I will do.

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm happy for the weekend, though I thought of 24 today and Jack Bauer and I miss watching it. I hadn't thought of it in awhile. I work a lot. I moved and said: Hello real world, goodbye 24 marathons. I miss those, that was time well spent.

thats just crazy talk

I am completely failing in the blogging department. it is 3:45 p.m. on Tuesday and work is tedious and weird. I got a new officemate today, so we are getting used to each other, meaning she is listening to her iPod and I am blogging. No, seriously, shes cool, kind of quiet, but alright.

So I have been meeting lots of new people. I've been haning out with Mike Booker a lot, going to church, just hanging out with him and his friends, and it has been fun. Everyone has been really nice, and even though he is moving to Augusta, GA, at the end of the week (I'm sad) I think the people I've met will still be friends with me.

I've tried a church, just one though. But I really liked it. Memorial Road Church of Christ. The singles class is really big so that is a huge plus.

Still haven't finished unpacking completely. That is on the books for this week/weekend. My first deadline was yesterday and it was super hectic and I'm glad it is over. We got new book assignments today at work so I'm glad to be starting a new month, and this time I'll have the whole month!

Ummmm, okay thats really it as far as a quick update. My foot is COMPLETELY asleep. It is going to be funny to try to walk on it. Man oh man.