your guess is as good as mine

Okay, 25 minutes left at work. This is what I will do with my time. The work I have done this afternoon has been tedious...fixing stuff online, just formatting, etc., but for some reason things aren't getting posted the way they should, and I just don't think it looks that great, so I've been working on it. Today I suppose I will be saying farewell to my college job. Not going to lie, I'm a little weirded out.

It is beautiful outside, and I hate the fact I have been inside all day. I would like to go to the park, lay on a blanket and just read or take a nap or look at the clouds. Wouldn't that be nice? Yes, yes it would. I wish I could have just hung out today. Just run errands if I wanted, go outside if I wanted, hang out with people if I wanted, or alone too, go to Mary's and get ice cream or a fruit bar or a drink. Anything. But I've been pretty much alone today and inside looking out. I kind of always feel like I'm inside looking out though.

There have been about a zillion ideas run through my head today, and I feel like I've thought seriously about all of them. Thought them around and around and around. So I don't know where to start. I just feel like something is changing. I don't know. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is just the weather. I've felt so spastic lately. Just all over the place--emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically--I need some zen or something. So I turned on "Circle of Life" from The Lion King. Remember when we saw The Lion King in London? How great was that, we were like little kids. I want to go back and play on the lions in Trafalgar Square. Do you ever just feel ridiculous? I have several times this week. When you think or someone says something or looks at you funny and it just sets off this self-concious thing in your brain and you feel ridiculous for all of your previous actions or words? Just plain silly, and you feel like it was pointless. What a deflating feeling. (Now we are listening to "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid ) I am not explaining myself very well. Its more than just feeling silly, maybe it is more self-conciousness more than anything. Then everything around you tends to drive you just nutso. I'll have to think about that one some more and come up with a better explanation. Although I heard the funniest observation today, I might share it sometime, but now I am just going to laugh to myself about it.

Okay 10 minutes, so this will wrap up about now. Still so much unsaid. Lots of springtime love.

Listening: A Disney Smorgasborge-not really a CD, but you get my point.

i'm walking on a wire, running out of time

Okay so today was fairly uneventful, although I have written more obituaries at work in the past three months than the past three years. I actually think this will be my last stint at ACU for awhile though. For real. Yeah I know I've told all of you that before, and I had a couple of weeks where I wasn't there, but I knew that I would be up there this week. But they haven't talked with me anymore about coming back, soooooo, farewell college job. So weird.

Anyways, ABC has been showing special editions of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They are doing rebuilding in the gulf coast, and I caught part of one tonight. It was so good. Next week looks great too. Tonight they were in Bayton, Miss., which had been hit mostly by Wilma. Apparently this town LOVES little league baseball, one of their teams lost the Little League World Series last year, so they are hardcore, but the fields were destroyed by the storm. So ABC set out to rebuild one of the fields, and the spotlight was on a team of nine year olds and Coach Ed. The team got to go to spring training with the Florida Marlins, and they had their own mini-Marlins uniforms and the players came out and coached them some, it was awesome to watch their little faces, and Coach Ed was so great, he was so happy for those kids and it was dead obvious how devoted he was. So anyways, the redo one of the fields and it is gorgeous and hurricane proofed (as much as possible) and when they revealed it the kids said things like "The is the bestest day," and "We have our field of dreams." They were just jumping and running around the bases, and when the reveal happened, Coach Ed bent down and the whole team just ran over and he put his arms around all of the them the best he could in a huge hug. Come to find out, and electronic company has donated the money to complete the other four fields. Needless to say I was in tears, the entire time. Not just little ones, I was sobbing. The head of the electronics company was presenting the check (he wasn't even from the community) and he said that he knows the kids will grow up and remember this and do the same thing for other people. I just love that attitude, and in a world where it seems like the negative is always focused on, I think it reminds us to breathe when we realize there are other people out there who have hearts of service and kindness. At least that is what it does for me, and I love the idea that people are so inspired to want to just help out and love the people around them, even if they are complete strangers. So great.

Tomorrow is Friday, here comes the weekend. I'm not sure what else I have to say, not much. Oh yeah, The O.C.?? I have been completely disappointed lately, but tonight was an improvement. Though, Marissa and coke? I mean come on, she was already drunk at school.... then Sadie tries to pick up and leave and Marissa plays the unselfish card for once, but only to hang out with psycho surf dude and inhale scary drugs (that looked unsettlingly like powdered sugar) while sitting on the beach? By the look on her face it seemed like she figured out that yes, coke does hurt when you decide to breathe it up your nose. Not that I know from experience, but come on, first TJ, then the obsessive alcoholism in season 2 and now coke and smoking out the trailerhouse? She's killing me. Anyways, thats all I have to say about that. Until next week with the Cohens.

I got some Fun Dip tonight. I feel like I'm 12. Awesome.

didn't i, didn't i, didn't i

Okay, so yes I have been slightly obsessed with Chicken Little, but it has made me want to a) dance, b) do karaoke, c) have a pet baby duck or chicken. Other than that, I enjoy cinnamon chips from Bueno even though they are a bit chintzy sometimes, and I got some of them today with Andrea. Then there was this frozen pasta primavera, I'd never had it before, but I'm convinced I need to go to the store to get some, it was great. Erg, but I'm hungry now. Today was a Wednesday, but I'm over it. I really need to figure out how to get pictures on this thing. Tomorrow is Thursday, then there is Friday. I'm afraid work on Friday will be boring, I think I'm alone all day. It is usually too quiet when that happens, but I'll muddle through. Ju know? Less than 2 months until Camille gets married, awesome. It will be so fun. Where has the time gone, I kind of feel like I have missed something. Probably, I'm always too busy worrying about something else. I'll work on that.

Watching: CSI: Las Vegas--probably one of the weirdest ones I've seen....murder at a "plushies" convention, where people dress in animal costumes, think college mascots. Serioulsy funny.

really really really wanna zig a zig ahhh

Welp, I don't know man, I just don't know. Today I worked at the Arrangement, but only half of the day. I cleaned for about 4 hours, which actually was theraputic for me. I needed manual labor to work off some brainwaves or microwaves or radiowaves or something like that. There is a woman who comes in and makes this amazing toffee in the kitchen of the event center every week, and she was there today. Mmmmmmm. It smelled soooo good. So good. And she was listening to the "easy listening" station and it rocked my day. For real. I knew all the words to all the songs, and I'm pretty sure I looked ridiculous dancing with the dust mop, but I enjoyed it.

I decided that I would take a mulligan on the week. Yesterday--forget about it. It was so far out there that I still don't know what to make of it. It was just a weird weird day, everything was going fine, then the earth shifted and it was all off. I couldn't even manage to keep my car keys in check. Yesterday was totally out of whack, so I decided today that I would start over sort of. Today has been better as far as feeling like I haven't totally lost my mind. That's pretty nice. But uh-oh, we all know what tomorrow is-WEDNESDAY! Ha. I think it will be fine though.

Justification and rationalization have seemed to surround me frequently. I feel like I have had to stand up for myself a lot, but I don't think it is doing much good, I have only managed to change the view I had of myself. Which is slightly disturbing. Don't get me wrong, I think that self-evaluation can be incredibly healthy, we need to keep ourselves in check, make sure we're still heading in the right direction, but it can also be somewhat disappointing. I've just been thinking a lot about myself the past few weeks, and coming to some conclusions.

I have never been one of those people who has felt just misunderstood. But it seems that I have let people around me do exactly that. And I'm mad at myself for allowing that to happen and for not seeing it happen. I am not sure that I am one of those people who is overly concerned with what others think of me, as in I don't necessarily let run my life and my personality and my choices, but maybe I got too far on the other end of the spectrum. I don't see myself as mean-spirited, hateful, mean, unloyal, disembodied, emotionally detatched, conniving, uncaring, unkind or apathetic. On the contrary, I have always felt that I had a fairly upstanding general character, sometimes too emotionally involved, I am one of those people who cries when I see or heard of those in painful situations becuase my heart hurts for them, and I don't know how I can help, or I cry when I see people succeed and find happiness simply because I feel like they deserve it. I am a crier-obviously. (And it is NOT my intention to say that in order to make myself sound wonderful and amazing or anything like that; or in order to solicit compliments or reinforcements of my character, please, please do not take it that way.) I know I can be sarcastic and I know my sense of humor is a little out of whack sometimes, but I really hate that I haven't shown people that I care, and that I have managed to alienate myself from people who truly care and who I care a great deal for. I feel like people think I have an ugly black heart, look there is Jennifer a.k.a. Heart of Darkness (okay severe sarcasm there, just trying to lighten the mood...).

I don't know, I feel like I have more to say, but that paragraph just drained me. Unecessarily, though and I had no intention of writing something like this, but the people who read my blog are my friends, and I think they want to know what is going on in my head and heart. If you are a random-passer-byer, I hope maybe you can relate if nothing else. Usually I try not to be this intense, but it doesn't always work. I'm done, yo. I hope that everyone is having a wonderful day, and that Wednesday is great.

Listening: Know Nothing Stays the Same-Copeland

oh-oh, nobody knows it

I would like to share the joy of Chicken Little. I am laughing out loud, and hard. Which is awesome. I feel a little silly for a) renting a kids' movie b)watching it alone and laughing out loud through the majority of it. But it is great. GREAT. I totally needed this today.

I'm strung out on emotions. Seriously. Which is fine. I had a good morning, totally excited about everything, I stayed busy today, I was happy, then I got tired and bored, then I got weirded out (see post below--a bit overdramatic, but it was funny) and laughed lonely and grumpy, then I had to go to GRE Prep and got super bored and annoyed with people asking questions like "So when exactly is the last class session?" (When we signed up we were informed it was a six week class, every Monday, and last week was week one...so doesn't that mean we could just use a calendar?) So then I called 4 people and no one answered, then I lost my phone and my house keys, sat in my car and screamed, and then dance and then I rented Chicken Little. Now I was so inspired to rent CL because Friday night when we rented more "sophisticated" entertainment, they were playing CL over the TVs, and I couldn't stop laughing, but they were all out, so I went back today. This is so great. You've got to watch this with me.

Then I talked to a friend who helped me work through the fact that I feel like I'm sucking at life right now, not all the time, but enough to bother me. And then I recovered. Okay, so today has been a whirlwind. But I am back to "normal" or whatever.

"Those are your parents?? And they brought the Galactic Armada??"

Watching: Chicken Little

check up on it

edit: to all of you concerned citizens out there, okay, yes i was totally freaking out, but not in a end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it kind of way, more in a this-is-too-weird-all-i-can-do-is-laugh-becuase-sometimes-life-is-just-that-funny kind of way. glad we got that straight.

yeah, apparently we've got to check up on everything. seriously???? i was talking with someone just a few minutes ago and i am sufficiently in shock. shock i tell you!! enough to afford multiple punctuation marks in successtion. yeah. no lie. HOW??? and who??? that's what i want to know. my world keeps on getting smaller and smaller, why didn't anyone tell me it was shrinking so quickly? well obviously someone finally did. and apparently it was super small before i even knew it. my mind is racing. that is all i know. i want some answers. so i'll probably never get them but still it might be nice.

okay i don't even feel as if i was able to concoct a complete thought, that is how jumbled i am right now. maybe later. ugh, maybe never. all i can do is laugh becuase the whole thing is just so ridiculous. honestly. honestly. it's only monday and i already need a day off.

Listening: In With The Old- Pepper

but you better hurry cause its going fast

So my weekend. Fairly quiet, but that was fairly nice. I just worked on Saturday and went to church this morning and took it pretty slow today, which is good becuase the wind was going pretty fast.

I started reading and am nearly finished with he's just not that into you. And right now I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a heat stroke. It is super hot in my house, maybe becuase I have the computer in my lap. Back to the book. I think it says some good things, but I think there is good in retaining the idea that there really aren't such easily defined black and white rules to things like this. But I think I am getting that it is more about women realizing their potential and the principles of not making excuses for guys that just really aren't that interested. So yeah, eh. Some of it is dead obvious and some really funny, but some interesting ideas if nothing else. Knowing that I have been actively involved in some of those "hes not that into you..." situations it is interesting. I'm not going to swear by this book or anything, but I do actually think I will look at some things differently. Maybe. Who knows. Eh.

I should totally be in bed right now, tomorrow I'm working at school. Should be interesting and maybe a little busy. Alright, thats all for now.

I'm over it.

Reading: He's Just Not That Into You-Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

take it easy

Today at work we cleaned. And cleaned, and cleaned. I had the worst headache when I got home from inhaling chemicals like Pine-Sol, Zep 40, Lysol toilet cleaner and Clorox bathroom cleaner. Oh and floor wax. I'm not kidding. People think this working at a flower shop/event center is a flashy gig, no way Jose, it is manual labor. I'm beat.

Tonight I watched The Constant Gardner. Wow. Really good. I'd been wanting to see it, and just hadn't rented it yet. I recommend it. I mean it is intense, but very good. Though the story is fictional (it was actually a novel first) it raises some important questions--such as the fact that there are thousands and thousands of people who are in need of help, so when we see one or two that we can is it useless? Do we take the attitude that there are just too many in need so we just can't make a difference or do we help even just a single person when given the opportunity? Interesting to see how that comes into play in the storyline and the driving force behind it.

Chuck Norris is currently promoting the Total Gym on the TV Guide channel. Oh Chuck. This is where I won't insert a Chuck Norris joke becuase it seems those have been flying around more lately and so you've probably heard them all.

Anyways, I think I'm going to rearrange some furniture. I have that loveseat temporarily living in my apartment and I just want to be able to chill on it. It will be gone in a few weeks, so I might as well use it even thought I've already got one. Ummmm, I think thats it. Everybody's working for the weekend, yet it looks like I'll be working during the weekend. That is okay though, I will stay occupied, and that will be good. Wondered about you today. Don't know why. Eh.

I hope we are all keeping up with the Madness. Some last minute wins last night leave us with eight. I'm not going to lie, I was disappointed with the Duke loss. What can you do though? I guess we'll all be watching to see if Texas can pull it off. And Memphis! Look at you. It should be good.

Maybe this will be more interesting tomorrow. Oh yeah, I dropped a can of Coke on my foot earlier this evening. Ouch. BIG ouch. I'm pretty sure I have a bruise.

Watching: The Constant Gardner (duh)

with a little come on, come on

another day another dime. or two.
things have been good for me i think, i don't know why, maybe it is that i have a better attitude towards life in general.
i have at least been satisfied with the day to day. it has been a long time since that has happened.
there are things i think i want to say to you, and things i think i want to share, but i'm not for sure, and i'm not sure you are either.
i don't know what to think of you, but i'm okay with all of this again. which is bothersome.
i'm a little apprehensive about being okay with all of this again, i just don't want it to be yucky, i don't like that, and i hope you don't either.
i want to know the "deal," i want to know exactly where i stand. but it is okay, you don't have to tell me right now.
i don't know what you want to say to me, or what you want to share, or what you want; i won't have expectations if you won't, let's just keep going okay?
i need (or maybe want) to get something out of my system. i know exactly what it is, but i don't know why i feel the need (or want) after all that has happened.
if you ask me what it is, i will tell you, then maybe everything will be totally "normal," no matter what happens or doesn't happen.
though i know from circumstance that some things disappoint me.
but i like where we are at anyways, don't get me wrong. please.
thanks for whatever it is you are doing even though i don't totally understand. that is probably the way it should be. lets just not understand.
yeeeeaaaahhhh.
this is the way it should have been before, then maybe it wouldn't have been the way it was.
but thats okay too.
let's dance. yeah you heard me.
not being able to get enough would be great, thats a fun feeling.
then things will be happy, so happy.
thanks.

i'm done being vague now, those are just my thoughts in the order that they came out of my head, i'm not even sure i know what it is all about. say another little prayer for me please, and i will do the same. it works well that way i think. give me conviction. it'll be less vague next time. i need some time with eyes unopened, but i have to fold some laundry first.

Listening: Monkey Business-Black-Eyed Peas (yeah thats right, i'm throwing myself a dance party, you should be here. sweet.)

pack it up, pack it in

Well I went on a cleaning tirade this evening for about two hours, and it was refreshing actually. I'm no where near finished though, which is disheartening, but I've got all weekend I suppose. I needed to clean for a few reasons. 1) my house was a mess, 2) another loveseat will temporarily call my apartment home beginning tomorrow and I had to rearrange a few things. Not that I don't already have too much furniture, but it will be ridiculous tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it will reside next to the kitchen table which is now up against the wall, becuase that is about the only place it might fit and I had to move the already present loveseat more into the "living area" so that there is a bigger walk way. So we'll see. It will be fun to have another place to sit, or nap.

Um, as for anything else, I don't know. It has been cold, goodness. Have you ever noticed how it is perfectly acceptable for person A to ask you a specific question, but if person B or C asks you the same one it might irritate you? Not becuase you were asked the question multiple times, but becuase of the person doing the asking? Maybe its just me. Maybe its just my weirdo mood today. Eh. What can you do?

Interesting developments. Or no developments.
Sweet smiles and sweet thoughts.
Wednesdays are good again.
New OC tomorrow.
Yay.

My house will be spotless in no time, just you wait and see.

you can change your mind

I have a hole in my head. It is true, Dr. Bourland drilled into my head this morning, but it is okay now. I have one less hole in my head, the taste of rubber gloves and dental sealant in my mouth, and one more cavity to be filled. My face was numb for HOURS today. HOURS. It was crazy, but completely funny, you'd have though they had given me laughing gas too, but no, just novicane.

Guess what movie I am watching? Yeah. You're right. How did you guess?

I worked part of the day today at the Arrangement. I don't believe I have any sort of work tomorrow. Maybe I will go to the driving range. That might be nice. What an idea!

Tonight I saw V for Vendetta. Very good. Loved it. (Buuum, bum-bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum, buuum, buuum, buuuuuuuum). That was my bad rendition of Tchaikovsky. I also filled out two job applications and made a to-do list. Sooo ambitious, I know. But it is something right?

Brrrrrrrrrr. I keep getting chills. Last night I had this horrible dream during which I was chased by a lion. I don't often have scary dreams, but this one was one of those that you jump awake from and your heart is beating fast and you can't hardly close your eyes again.

I would truly like to reflect on a few things right now, but I don't know what to say. I have spoken before of feeling that I have lost something, but it is proves difficult to lose something you never had in the first place, doesn't it? Maybe it is the recognition of the knowledge that what you thought you had was simply an elaborate fiction made up by and bought into by you or some other party for instant gratification. Sudden fulfillment. The quick fix. But the fix established to be the most untrustworthy. I guess I am now thinking it was all a silly game. That is all. Which makes me sad; I guess I thought it was bigger than that. And maybe it is. I would like that, please. But we will see. Yes.

Tomorrow is a Wednesday. But I like Wednesdays again, remember? If you have a chance tomorrow, say a little prayer for me, doesn't have to be anything big, I promise, something small, just a little thought will suffice. I feel as if I'm needing some extra support. I'll say a little prayer for you too. And I will think of you. I always do.

Have you ever had a whole scenario recorded in your head and you play it out the way you think it might happen, and it either never happens at all or it happens nothing like the way you pictured, and then you think of your scenario and feel completely silly? I have.

A girl likes to get crossed in love now and then. It gives her something to think of. A sort of distinction amongst her companions...You're free to go off and get jilted.

Reading: A Purpose Driven Life

tell me what you want, what you really really want

I started GRE prep course tonight. We took a practice test and I sucked it up. Ha. Well I guess, I don't even know what "average" scores are. Anyways.

Then I paid a late visit to a friend. A friend who feels like an old friend though we have only known each other a short time. She and I are kindred spirits. I had not seen her since January and it was great to catch up. When I left her house I got pulled over for not using my turn signal. I'm usually pretty psycho about using my turn signal, and the one time I don't...it is alright though, he didn't give me a ticket. Although I got a bit worried and frustrated.

Now I am watching Pride and Prejudice for what seems like the jillionth time. I have put in the DVD as my final action of the day, every day for the past two weeks. I'm not sure why, but it is beautiful to look at and the music is peaceful. Although I do love the story. Always have. Myself and millions of others, I know, but still. I think I always thought I would have a romance like that. I suppose I imagined a Darcy of my own, a bit socially awkward, stubborn like me, with whom I could verbally spar. I know that is not all there was to their love, but they keep each other on their toes. A story of miscommunications, assumptions, and preconcieved notions--a story for the ages I guess. Who hasn't heard it a thousand times over?

I'm getting a filling tomorrow. The first of two. I'm a bit nervous.

Watching: Pride and Prejudice

what are you changing

back in abilene.
it poured while i drove back and it was windy, which was scary at times.
soooo cloudy all day today, but we ate at chuy's anyways-elvis lives.
went to the drag, ohhhh, i love the drag.
this week is looking fairly uneventful right now, but i am determined to be productive, despite.
worked another wedding last night, their last name is Itz; it was pretty but a little chilly.
i like weddings, it makes me feel happy to see love.
i guess it is all a bit romanticized sometimes, but it is still quite nice.
tonight driving through abilene i saw friends reunite, it made me miss my friends.
i wanted to run and hug a friend.
i felt "wistful" in my car.
maybe i will find someone to hug this week.
ha.
for some reason i want to watch Romeo + Juliet who knows why; i like the aquarium scene.
another week begins.
i don't feel like sharing much via blog right now. so that'll be it.

Watching: 10 Things I Hate About You

come on with the rain

It is Saturday morning and Austin, Texas, is raaaaaaiiiiiny. It is peaceful though, not really a thunderstorm, just rain. I got here yesterday and went to the mall and killed about 3.5 hours before it was time for me to go down to SXSW. The mall on a Friday night was completely interesting. Oh man. Who knew all those kinds of people could co-exist in one mall?

So I was about to leave to go downtown and I start hearing all these bangs and pops, I'm not kidding it totally sounded like guns and cannons. Then dogs started barking and you could hear people going in and out of their houses, and I'm not going to lie, my heart was beating about a million miles a minute. I had no idea what was going on. And it didn't just last a short time, it lasted for at least 25 minutes. So I went outside to my car and just see a orange-ish reddish glow from above the trees and the sounds are getting louder and more frequent and at that point I was pretty sure this was what it is like to live in the Middle East. I see someone else, just as the sky goes green (yeah like night vision) and asked him what was going on, and he said "Ummm, St. Patty's Day maybe? I just figured that out that, I was pretty sure something was going down until I remembered that." Yeah. Needless to say I felt kinda goofy. Ha.

So SXSW. I don't have a wristband or music badge, but a friend was working the back door at one of the venues so I stood around back there. The bands weren't my first pick, but I got to see some really interesting stuff and didn't have to pay, so I wasn't complaining. Lots of middle-agers rocking out. This was their night. With the Dead Kennedy's Jello (sp?) V. as MC, I don't see why not.

The bands I saw:
So the first group, I don't remember their name I'll get back to you on that one, was 5 middle-aged guys playing hardcore punk. The lead singer was bald and wore a red zoot suit with white loafers, and the keyboard player also played the trumpet, to which he attached some thing that made it sound like a guitar. You could totally see these guys practicing in one of their garages after they get off of their 9 to 5's. They weren't half bad though.

Zolar X. Yeah. I need to post pictures, that says it all. These guys have been together since the 70s, and have quite the cult following. They say they are from Plutonia, Pluto, and have their own little language they speak to the audience. Dressed in black unitards with silver sequin belts and silver boots, these three also wore blond wigs and eye-liner. I'm pretty sure I have the same wig from Sing Song two years ago. I didn't care for them much, honestly. But they were funny.

Last, but certainly not least, Ex-Girl, the Japanese trio. These girls were pretty solid, and had quite the entrance. Wearing orange plasitc dresses, lobster claws and headpieces that had three, 2 foot plush cones, they did Sing Song-esque choreography too some very electronic sounding music.When they actually played and sang (in Japanese) they were pretty talented, their drummer went freaking crazy. Once the guitarist threw a stuffed frog at the bassist, and the bassist opened one song by asking the audience "Do you want to go to the moon together?????" and striking a pose.

Yeah, it was a colorful night to say the very least. Well, thats about all I have to report. I have some things to do today, and may be heading out for some more SXSW tonight if possible. I might try to some of the shows that I really would like to see, if I can get in that is.

Listening: Rabbit Fur Coat--Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins

ladies and gentlemen, the eighth wonder of the world

drove in about an hour ago, and i'm putting off unpacking and repacking.
so i'm unpacking and repacking and getting up early (sorta) to drive to austin in the morning.
sigh-i love austin, and since i couldn't go out of state for a cool spring break trip, i will go there.
plus, it is south by southwest week (awesome) so hopefully (cross your fingers for me) i will be
able to see some shows tomorrow night and saturday night although i need to find someone to go with becuase of right now i'll be going alone, and walking downtown at night, alone could be scary.
i'll figure something out or be really brave.
i would like to buy a good book to read.
it is pretty remarkable that kanye west recorded while his mouth was wired shut. crazy.
i thought while i was driving today that i should take some pictures of my trip, they are mostly
brown and dry looking, though i drove on a cool two-lane road today that just made me smile for some reason.
i liked today, even though it was a little weird at times, there were a couple small things that made me smile and just added to my day. thanks.
that is it. fare thee well. spring break is a pretty nice one.

Watching: Pride and Prejudice

show me, show me, show me

Poor West Texas and the Panhandle. Burning, burning, burning. I drove up to Lubbock today to visit my Grandmother. Though the fires haven't really reached Lubbock (still a bit north of here), there just seemed to be a heaviness in the sky. On the news they were talking about thousands of livestock burning (if I were feeling distasteful I might insert a joke about cooking meat right here, but that seems a little mean-spirited and a bit too easy. Poor cows.)

There was a show on the History Channel last night about how the chariots of fire that carried Elijah to heaven might have been UFOs. Imagine a priest saying that. Oh and how the pillar of fire that led Moses and the Israelites through the desert at night was also a form of alien activity.

Went to the driving range today. Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn had it been 40 ft. away. Well, okay so it wasn't that bad. Really, I promise, it wasn't, but I felt like it a few times. Just call me Captain Hook (get it??). Bad joke I'm sorry, but that really more true. I would like to watch Hook. Can I borrow it from you? I got better though, and I didn't think it was really half bad considering I hadn't picked up a club in about a year and a half. So I got to break in my new clubs a little, and now I have a new hobby. Anyone fore a trip to the driving range with me?

I'm thirsty and I need a band-aid.

The Big Dance begins tomorrow. Make your picks.

Paramecium brain.
Near-sighted gynecologist.
Hemorrhodial suck naval.

sweet dreams to moonbeams find you

I have bangs. Not like I didn't have them before, becuase I did, but those were bangs, these are BANGS. You've probably already figured out that I got a haircut. Since it had been 3.5 months since my last one she had to cut off a bit on the ends (a bit meaning more than just a little). Then I have these bangs. It is different to say the very least, and the whole thing feels a bit Twiggy-ish or something. But Twiggy was totally awesome so thats okay. My mom said "shaggy." So there you go. It is new and different, and easy to fix. Works for me.

I'm at my parents' and its pretty good to be here. Just did some running around today, golf tomorrow with the dad, then to Lubbock in the afternoon until Thursday sometime...then who knows. Austin? Abilene? Timbuktu? The possibilities are endless. Sort of. I hardly packed any "cold weather" clothes and it is cold here. Go figure.

The wildfires here are bad. Well not HERE as in Andrews, but here as in West Texas and the Panhandle. There are about 5 towns that evacuated last week and authorities still aren't letting them go back. Apparently last week the electricity went out at our house because one of the fires blew a transformer or something. I didn't realize they were a) that close, b) so severe still. Scary.

My little sister is dealing with prom date crisis. It isn't that she doesn't have one it is just that she has a couple of invitations and isn't sure how to go about the whole thing. I think we got it figured out. Prom is made such a big deal, or maybe it is just the suburban myth factor. Then you go to college. Either way I laughed to myself and remembered how "stressful" it was. I had another funny high school flashback, but I'll share that another time, becuase it would make this really long.

We are t-minus 7 days to my first filling appointment at the dentist. I feel like such a wuss.

Watching: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

later will be better

I have nothing to report. I worked at the Arrangement yesterday, we cleaned and organized and cleaned some more. The past few times I have worked there have seemed neverending. I look at the clock and I think "Seriously????" The day just seems to drag.

Today I'm cleaning and organizing in my house and running a few errands. I'm wishing I could figure out how to put pictures on this thing. I know there is a program or something you use, but I've not figured that out yet. Ha. Oh well. I would like to see V for Vendetta. It looks intense.

Listening to: From a Basement on the Hill--Elliott Smith

one way or another

This will be short. I want to go to bed I think. I want to go to bed because I'm tired of sitting here. I didn't go to March of the Penguins, I couldn't find anyone to go with me and I wasn't secure enough to go alone. I've gone to other things alone, but I didn't want to be brave today.

Come on courage, help me to be shy.

I worked at The Arrangement today. It was busy, people in and out. Seemed like a lot of people bought baby gifts today. It is springtime, I guess there is something in the air, or there was 7 months ago. So tomorrow Spring Break starts, SPRING BREAK, WHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! I'm done. I really have no plans, but that makes sense seeing as how I technically am no longer a part of the world of academia defined by semesters and holiday breaks, though I'm not sure I'll ever outgrow that mentality. Ha. Lite Brite was probably one of the coolest toys ever. I remember the inevitable buring plastic smell. Takes me back to my childhood. Awesome. Back to "Spring Break": looks like I'm staying here through the weekend, then possibly going to the homestead for the first part of the week to play some golf y visitar la familia (excuse my POOR conjugation), then quite possibly moving in the direction of Austin to catch some SXSW. Maybe, possibly--I would really like to get out of town. I would like to find someone to ride in the car with me. Any takers? It is always good to have someone to sing and dance with in the car. Come on, you know you want to.

I pretty much love teddy bears. I just want to be your teddy bear.

Speaking of toys, I could use some old school Nintendo (Linds!). That would pretty much rock my world, maybe just some good Mario Bros. (I hope you are all making Nintendo noises.....bawlllliiinnng, ba da da dada DA) or Duck Hunt. Maybe I will start looking for one of those so I can have all that fun at my own house.

Okay, I'm done. I don't want to get into it tonight. Let's just keep it like this. Yeeeeeaaaah. Although, please inform me of the terms. Eskimo kisses.

Watching: I love toys ( and loving it....yeah like you hadn't figured that out already)

it's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate

I have been more social in the past 48 hours than I have in the past 48 days. Go figure. I wonder why that is. Beats me. I don't think I've changed, but maybe I have, 48 days is a long time. Last night I had dinner company and tonight I again had dinner company, and it was great. I have gotten used to spending so much time alone, but being with these friends was an excellent change for me. Surely I can find some balance in the near future. That is what I will work on.

Around 9:30 this evening I decided to take my headphones and go to the park and swing. It was so nice outside and it there was lightning so I went to Cal Young Park and sat on the swings and listened to Damien Rice for about 45 minutes. That might have been the best thing I've done for my soul in a while. Granted it probably wasn't the safest place to be alone at night, but I parked close and kept a watchful eye out. I saw two disc golfers leave the park and watched a homeless man build a fire and sit and watch the lightning. But then I came home and felt all kinds of sick all over. I don't know why. So I layed on my floor then took a hot shower, that helped. I guess I steamed it out of me. Ha.

Today I didn't do much, it is the one day this week I didn't have to work, and that was a blessing and a burden all in one. But I got some things done and still felt fairly productive and rested. Tomorrow I'm working downtown, and tomorrow is Artwalk. March of the Penguins is showing at the Paramount and I am thinking about going. You should come too.

In some situations with some people I know exactly how to be a friend. In other situations I don't. I've encountered one of the latter and I just don't know how to act. So I try to just "be" and I guess it is working okay. There are just a lot of factors involved and it is silly and sensitive at the same time. I should probably not think about it and then it will be fine.

Today I wanted to ask a few questions, but I bit my tongue. It just didn't feel right or appropriate and I believe me, they were just sitting there perched on the end of my tongue and at the front of my brain, so it isn't like I didn't know what to say. It was like when you are going to go off the high-dive for the first time and you run to the end and stop and the very last minute and have to wave your arms to keep from plunging 15 down. These questions ran to the end of my mental diving board a few times, but never got up the courage to jump. I think I was concerned that they were self-serving, or just plain selfish; that they were questions that didn't matter in the big scheme of things--as most generally don't, but they still wanted to be asked. Most definately. I guess I just couldn't decide if it would be selfish of me to ask them, and so I didn't, though now I kind of wish I had. I don't know why either. Well, that isn't entirely true, I have an idea of the motivation behind the questions, and I think it is pure and well-intentioned, but when it all boils down to it I was just plain scared. Not in the screaming/shaking sense, but more in the anxious/apprehensive sense. Just didn't feel right. Wouldn't it make things easier if you just asked me what was on my mind and then I would tell you, that is if you were really interested; then I could ask you and you could tell me, becuase I am interested. That would be awesome.

I think I will start something new on my blogs, since a lot of other sites have it set up where you can put what you are listening to or reading or watching, but blogspot doesn't seem to...or if it does I haven't figured it out, and I think it is fun to know what people are listening to and reading and watching. I got jealous of other sites so here we go and we'll see if I can keep this up with any sort of variation (I have 2 today):

Listening: 0-Damien Rice
Reading: Hebrews 10-13

in this dark so dense

Hvae you ever finished a Rubix cube?

Oh today. I'm not sure what to do with it exactly. It is Tuesday but it feels like no day. I went to the chiropractor this morning, and I feel a lot better. I think I will be able to sleep tonight. Thank goodness. Today I think I was pretty cheery. I think it is the weather that does this to me, or maybe somewhere along the way I changed my attitude about things and it wasn't too obvious. Either way, I like smiling.

Okay so today at work we did a mass mailing. It took forever. We started on it yesterday, sticking these "special" bookmarks into the latest issue of ACU Today. But this was only after we heaved three boxes of the said magazine from the bowels of the Vanderpool building. So today, we printed off labels, labeled the envelopes, and stuffed the envelopes with letters and the magazine. We just tally the paper cuts when we do mailings. I got a severe one and I was pretty sure that I hit an artery in my pinkie finger.

So I had some silly conversations today. They were just funny in a little way, that is all. ha. I think I did a lot of smiling and laughing today and that was nice. I had people say funny things to me and I laughed. I had no idea I was thought to be so conniving. So wiley, like the coyote. If only.

we talk so soft

So I also today nearly said a few things that I probably could have regretted. Not becuase I would have hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that, I don't think they were bad things, not in the negative sense. Maybe I should have just said it. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt anything, I possibly would have just been stating the blatently obvious. But sometimes it is better to be discreet, yes? Yes. Eh. Oh well, I suppose the occasion will arise again and if I feel it is important I suppose I will say it. It was like one of those pink suede elephants in the room, well to me anyways, maybe not to anyone else. Ha.

Sometimes I'm not cheery, but not grumpy, but I could be cheerier, but I could also be much more grumpy, but I think I know what it is. Which is ridiculous. But it must be. Yeah. I think you can help me out with it too. Yeah. I know you can, but the question is will you? Let's do some research.

i've hid myself away from this

Sometimes I'm so vague. Sorry. I'm kind of sleepy, and just talking about nothing. I've not been able to provide you with my deep ramblings like before, but I'm sure you're survivng. Actually, I've probably said nothing today. Nothing and everything, right? A few things have sparked my interest, but I'm not going to say anything about them today. Let's wait until tomorrow.

Too bad I didn't go to Walla Walla University. Let's play a game.

let's go, time's a wastin'

in no particular order:

went to work (half day, to which i was not late...).
beautiful hot day.
a part of me missed you, a part of me missed me.
took a nice walk across campus.
laughed.
looked.
yeah you know what i mean.
did a load of laundry.
called the chiropractor, made an appointment, thank goodness.
smiled, got smiled at.
took a run.
got that look..mmmhmmm, you know what i mean.
drank hawaiian punch.
watched abc family.
ate leftovers: turkey artichoke from panera bread and potato salad from sharon allen's.
watched "i love toys" on vh1.
laughed out loud all alone in my house.
picked up some junk around my house so i wouldn't trip and fall.
added pictures.
thought "oh come on. lets just make it happen."
yawned.

oh what a _________ (insert adjective) night.

pull me out from inside

Well, the weekend has come and nearly gone. I left Thursday to visit Becca in College Station. The drive was less than thrilling. I bebopped my way down highway 6 without incident for the first 3 hours and 15 minutes or so, but it was the last hour that nearly killed me. Maybe becuase it was dark, or maybe I was just getting restless, but I changed CDs, drank Red Bull (ugh, I can't handle that stuff), sang, danced, and asked Elton to help me make it to Aggieland. I made it. Being there was pretty fun. Although Thursday night when we were out I thought it was funny how every girl that walked by any guy got sized up and eyed, and the funnier thing was the 35+ something men sitting in places full of college kids trying to sample the buffet or whatever.

Yesterday I went to Rachael and Stephen's wedding in Arlington. It was a really sweet wedding, and it was fun to be there. I saw one of my best friends from high school that I hadn't seen in a long time and got to talk to her for awhile, so that was really fun too. Then I drove back after the reception, which was funny becuase it didn't seem to take long at all. My plan was to stop in Weathford to get something to eat, but somehow I ended up in Eastland and thought "Wait, I didn't even go through Weatherford." Show how much attention I was paying, which is a bit disturbing, especially after I discoverd (on my drive to Arlington from College Station) that I could eat a sandwich from Panera Bread (YUM) and drive 80, I mean 70, on I-35. Ha. I did have my seatbelt on....

Hmmm, what else? It seems like the popular question to ask me as of late is "So, who do you hang out with?" Odd and a bit disconcerting (especially when I give a truthful answer). Eh. What can you do? So "Spring Break" is coming up. I don't think I get official Spring Break anymore. I am currently a "substitute" at my ACU job, just sort of filling in occasionally, I have been officially phased out as of last Friday, and am working at The Arrangement and am looking for a job. Hopefully by the end of this week I will have resumes out to the leads I have found so far and keep on trucking. I have zero plans for "Spring Break." I'll probably just work some and play golf.

As for right now, I am going to get a small snack and hit the hay, my neck is killing me. Apparently I was exhausted last night becuase I fell asleep on my couch. And stayed there. Even when I woke up at 3, then again at 6. I finally moved to my bed at some point when I woke up and couldn't move my head to the right.

Ouch.

but you misread my meaning when i met you

Its Thursday. I wish I could make up a Thursday song to entertain you, but as of right now I've got nothing.

Let me reflect on Wednesday for a few lines. It was hot, and glorious. So it was a bit hot for March 1, but still, something about it just gave me a little boost, a little more life. (The guy in the office next to me is listening to some serious orchestra music, oh just kidding, its a choir with orchestra accompaniement, oh plus his whistling...yeah) So yesterday. The past few Wednesdays I have absolutely despised, for several reasons: the cold, moody people, rain, the mess in my house (which wasn't exclusive to Wednesdays, but was obliterated Tuesday night anyways), Mize leaving, sad silence, losing friends, missing people. So that brings us to yesterday (please insert the Beatles here).

I started off the morning by going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned...and guess what. TWO cavities. Not just one, but TWO. SICK. I am not going to lie I almost teared up, who the heck knows why. Thats what I get for not flossing all the way in the back of my mouth where I can't reach anyways and drinking too much coke. Karma is a bitch. A painful, dental drill, anesthetic, needles in my mouth bitch. Ha. It probably won't be that bad, but people are always mellodramatic about the dentist so I thought I should do what I could. When the dental hygenist was cleaning my teeth, she was so slow and my mouth was killing me, and she kept scraping my gums, it kind of hurt. Geez. And I don't really care for the noise the tooth scraper makes inside your mouth, its like fingernails on a chalkboard only you can feel the reverberations inside your head. Yeck. I got cinnamon flouride polish. Nice. So I scheduled myself for the first of two fillings, one of which the dentist (who looks a little like and talks exactly like Matthew McCaunghey--I know I didn't spell that right but I'm too lazy to google it right now) said he could probably do without numbing me. I said its okay, I'll make two appointments, really.

So I left the dentist a bit distraught, but rebounded well all things considered. I came to work (where I am now) and got some things done. I actually enjoyed being at work yesterday, I had some great company and some funny things happened so I got a lot of giggling in (only it was the silent kind because of circumstances). So anyways, I left work still pretty happy and ran a few errands and then ran a few miles. So I haven't run in 2.5 weeks and I could definately tell, but it felt good anyways. The air cleared out my head I think, and it was great to sweat. As gross as that might be. I needed to sweat off the pizza I had eaten the night before. Then Lost was on and it was intense, and I packed and went to bed. The only yuck part of my day was toward the end of last night I got a really bad headache and just wanted to go to bed, but had to finish packing so I did. When I finally went to bed I layed there for about 25 minutes and woke up to the dull aching in my neck and shoulders and head. So I rearranged, took some more medicine and tried to go back to sleep. Today it is better, but I'm a little sore in my neck still. Weird.

For the rest of today, I don't have much. Work for about 45 minutes more, then a few errands, then driving to College Station to visit Becca. I'm excited to be going, we'll have a fun couple of days. Saturday I will be driving to Arlington to go to a wedding, then driving back to Abilene after the wedding. I'll probably get back here around 9 so that will give me time to put stuff up and still just take it easy before the week begins again. So if you get a chance, think about me this weekend during all my driving, wish me safe travels and all of that.

Its March and I'm in denial.

I haven't been overlyanalytical of my feelings lately. I guess that is a good thing. It is a bit exhausting on occasion. I mean don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into a block of sandpaper or anything. I have thought a lot of things and felt a lot of things, things I really wish that I could say out loud more than think about them. But the opportunity has not arisen, nor may it ever. I'm not sure where that leaves me. Maybe I'll get brave one day and just blurt everything out to the different people. It would be interesting to say the very least. Ha. Yeah, so I don't know. My mindset has been changing some and I have tried to consider some things and reconsider others. I have made some conclusions, but not set them in stone. Hm. I'll have to think about the things some more before I say anything else.

On that note, I think I will leave you. My foot is dead asleep and so is half my leg. Hwy 6, here I come.