August Rush 2008

Somehow I ended up in finance. Sitting here with seven other people hacking through ticker symbols and price/earnings rations wasn't what I always had in mind. What I ever had in mind. A far cry from Swift and Shelley, I am trudging through the sludge that is the twenty-first century financial market, looking for a way to pass a test I am not prepared for, get a raise, and get my name on a list of registered representatives. When I think of a list of names I think of two things: 1)Santa Claus; 2) St. Peter. Either way you look at it, it is judgement day. 

During our ten minute breaks I don't go sit outside and smoke, I indulge my caffeine addiction with Coke or Dr. Pepper, and my need to have something to chew on with Skittles. Taste the rainbow. The bathroom breaks get me through the day. I'm staying at the Embassy Suites and from 5:00-7:00 p.m. the managers host complimentary cocktails and chips, queso, and pico. After making friends with the bartender, an older gentleman who kindly makes me new drinks and is determined to help me find "my" drink, I decompress, watch the other happy hour guests and conquer "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" 

I'm not sure what I'm doing working for corporate America, aka "the man." I have yet to meet this man. I'm muddling through, wishing for the kind of focus I see in other people, or worse, read about in human-interest pieces on MSNBC. Some people have the career path mapped out, and some people are realizing they picked up a map for the wrong state, each looking for the toiling that will feed the mind, soul, and the much less idealistic pocketbook. The getting to that place isn't always easy, but knowing where you want to be seems like a nice idea. 

Regardless, it is day five and I'm attempting to wrap my already jam-packed brain around variable annuities. I don't hate my job. I have hated a job before, and this is not it. I hardly understand my job, so I'm not sure I can hate it at this point. Their are ridiculous amounts of paperwork: sign here, sign this for your other signature here, sign this too...no, there is no reason, we just need you to sign. Delusions of corporate financial grandeur are possible, but I'm not really the type. 

run it

So remember that whole recreational writing thing? Due to some unforeseen circumstances I took a break again, but I'm back and better than ever. A quick run down, then on to the new. 

-it is now March which means we've been through lots of holidays including my favorite-St. Patrick's Day

-I moved with the help of Kylie and Eric and Eric's student, Nathan. Turns out that if you get to the UHaul place early enough they will let you pick your truck. We chose the Venus Flytrap truck. She treated us well. 

-The market has gone to crap and since I work in finance that means the 8-5 hours can be pretty heinous. 

-Decorating of the new place is happening. More decorating happened in 3 weeks than 3 years at my old place. Starting fresh is nice. 

-I've read "I was Told There'd Be Cake" and laughed out loud. 

-I bought Twilight and have watched it 4 times. 

Those are the high points. Moving on. 

Kylie decided she wanted to run. Long distances. She asked me if I would be interested, and I said yes. She is much more dedicated that I am as it took me about two months to really convince myself that yes, I need to do this, not just so that Kylie will have a running buddy, though that is a noble cause. I need to do this for me. For more reasons than I know. Brief sentimental moment: the past year has been trying. It is time for serious change. Watch out, world. Big things ahead. 

We have discussed the idea of making this a traveling hobby. First we will we travel to the Redbud Classic in Nichols Hill, OKC, for the 5K. Not a long drive really. (Note: Kylie did complete the Deer Creek Classic...solo! She is awesome, and told me to get my butt in gear.) Some other races we would like to attend, in no particular order: OKC Memorial Marathon (OKC), The Midnight Streak (OKC), Turkey Trot (Dallas), Midnight Sun Fun Run (Alaska), Rock n Roll Marathon (Las Vegas), Capital 10K (Austin). Yes, we know we may not make those all in one year, but it would be pretty awesome if we made it to all the local and at least one out of town. Watch for us in a city near you.

That said, my training started today. With the help of "The Non-Runners Marathon Guide for Women" by Dawn Dais I'm getting on track (no pun intended). She recommends journaling, so I figured I might as well recreational write about it. Here I will keep running songs, thoughts, meals (hopefully I only talk about them going down, not coming back up), exciting runs, photos, horror stories, and more. It may be boring. No one may read it, but at least I will be able to look back and appreciate the work three months from now. If you do read this, feel free to comment, lend your gazelle-like advice, donate your frequent flyer miles, or laugh along with me as I try this out. 

Day one. I went for two miles. I say "went" because there is no way in hell I was going to make it running the entire time. My maltipoo did better than I did. She only stopped to go number twosies (and yes, I am a responsible pet owner).  I did the run/walk and my calves hate me. But I looked cute in my new shoes. They did me well--Asics, I don't remember the style off the top of my head. More on equipment later. I attempted to stretch post run, and my muscles still hated me. I'm afraid this is a preview of the joy to come, but that's cool. I'm into it right now, I'm motivated. I like my dri-fit Nike socks so far. As I'm sitting on the floor (my desk is not spray painted yet) I see that they are labeled L and R. I didn't know it mattered...maybe the kind people at Nike test drove these socks on a group of novice runners and found that they were so blinded by a) disillusionment that they would be awesome runners the first go round, b) pain, c) throwing up on their feet, that all runners needed their socks labeled. Fabric is not ambidextrous . 

Today's music: Savage, Fall Out Boy (always favorite exercise tunes), Pussycat Dolls, Janet Jackson, Flo-Rida. I needed serious beats. 

out of here

Well. It has been quite some time. I imagine anyone who used to frequent this blog no longer does. AI'm getting back to my roots and resuming my recreational writing. You know, the whole new year thing applies change across the board, so I might as well pick up some of the old habits. 

I've spent the past 48 hours attempting to pack up my apartment. The apartment I've lived in since I moved here two and a half years ago. Nearly to the day. Why the change? To quote Rafiki, "It is time." 2008 was a whirlwind--up and down, back and forth, circles, circles, circles--and a change in environment is necessary. I've found a rent house, and I'm really excited. I will be making the transition from apartment to rent house in about 3 weeks, and I couldn't be more ready. Minus the whole being packed thing. 

Packing is a trip. I'm a pack rat and keep things for years and years and years. I found journals from my freshman year of college. Wow.  I read through them last night and it was interesting (to say the very least) to see how my life has progressed, the people who have moved through it, the people who remain, and the way I've changed. The past year has been a difficult one. Reading my journals reminded me that I've had difficult times before (duh, who hasn't?), but it was enlightening to see how I've changing in regards to handling the stresses of life. It is the beginning of a new year, so of course change and progression is on the brain, maybe even more so with the changes we experience on a national scale (the election, new president, economic turmoil, in case you've been living under a rock). I have reached a crossroads. Again. And I'm finally okay with it. It has taken me a few months of questions and sudden changes and slow changes and reminders, but I'm here. Ready. 

Life is uncertain. Each day is a new one. We retain the memories of the one before, but we have the opportunity to make new ones. In the past few weeks so many things have become more clear. I've had a few of those lightbulb moments that I'm anxious to seek out, anxious to share, but satisfied in the waiting. I am just becoming comfortable in my skin again and it is nice. I missed me. So, back to packing, back to the trip, back to change. 

It has been awhile, but you didn't think I'd come back with something light and airy, did you? 

punctuation, she has a degree in that, you know

It is almost three. Hooray. Well but sort of not hooray. Depends on how you look at it. I have dance rehearsal tonight beginning at 5:30. I'm hoping we won't be there until all hours of the night, but I'm also assuming that is wishful thinking. Apparently I'm going to help make calls on lighting. Should be interesting, my portfolio of skiiiillllls is growing daily.

So I was watching the History Channel last night and saw some interesting things.
April 29, 1975, the signal was given for the U.S. to evacuate Saigon.
-Americans began marrying Vietnamese women just to get them out of the country, and the cost to marry went from $20 to $2,000.
-1373 Americans were evacuated
-5595 Vietnamese were evacuated and taken to U.S. aircraft carriers
-During the operation, the aircraft carriers were filled with people, and helicopters were no longer able to land; to make room 45 helicopters were pushed off the carriers or landed in the ocean.
-Following the operation $3.6 million dollars in American currency was burned at the Embassy in Saigon to prevent the North Vietnamese government from accessing it.

Interesting, huh? I just thought it was bizarre to see the footage of helicopters being dumped into the ocean. Meatloaf hosted this special, which was followed by a special on the history of illegeal drugs in America (See posts from June of last year, it's the same special. Really interesting though.)

oh, but if you only knew, but i'm finally convinced you don't care

I had a nice weekend. The sun wasn't out as much as I would have liked, but it came out when it mattered. I spent about eighteen hours in the car, but it was worth it. I got to be at the wedding of a dear friend, and spend time in a place I love. One funny thing about the weekend: I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because it took me six hours to drive from Dallas to Austin; I cried when I saw my "summer family;" I cried when I talked to adults I love and respect about what I'm doing with my life and what I'm not; I cried when I talked about a love lost; I cried during the wedding vows and I cried during the first dance and I feel like crying now. I guess the tears are supposed to be cleansing. Hot drops of relief, with no place else to go. They just bubbly up and make the world blurry for a few seconds, then fall allowing you to refocus and maybe see the world a little differently.

I kept getting these waves of enlightenment, like little calls to action, but the actions that feel necessary, well, I feel like they will achieve nothing. That's where my confusion lies. Do I take an action, to just take it, and hope it makes a difference, or do I bide my time, waiting it out, hoping for the best case scenario? Tough call, especially when you feel fully convinced that your action will do nothing, move no one, cause no change. It is action take too late. What is it that people say? "Too little, too late." Only this isn't too little. I'm afraid it's too big. Much too big. It's scary, really, thinking that taking that chance, jumping off that bridge, won't matter. Maybe that is why I cried. Because I was afriad it would be pointless. I considered that virtue I do so poorly with--patience--but then wondered about the fine line between having patience and missing your window of opportunity. I know we don't get countless opportunities to make job changes, make friends, say what we're thinking, give our opinion, share something with another person or whatever Sometimes we only get one "big chance," sometimes we are presented with several "small chances." The trouble lies in discerning between the two, and understanding exactly what it is the other side needs or wants. But what if you think your chance is already gone and you have action you feel you must take?

What do you do? Wait? Or jump? Wait? Jump?

I'm finding that in some areas of my life I need to jump. Now. In others though, I think I have to wait. I've already kind of missed my turn to jump, so I have to wait for it to come back around, if it comes back around. I wish I could just butt in line and jump and hope for the best, but I'm not even sure that is an option.

For now, I have to finish reading my goal for the day, for the month. Then maybe I can figure out a way to prepare myself to jump. To make myself known.

tollway ends in 2 miles, all traffic must exit

This link is to an entry on a blog I read pretty frequently. I am completely guilty of this and just really enjoyed her point of view on it. So take a look. We all know the people who do this, most of us do it ourselves, or at least we want to, but just get nervous and don't follow through at all--forget making it an afterthought.

http://stephanieklein.blogs.com/greek_tragedy/2007/05/the_oh_by_the_w.html

That's really all for today, I just thought I'd share. Enjoy. I'm leaving for Dallas after work and Austin tomorrow sometime. I sure hope I packed everything. The rain is torrential this morning and my pants are irrevocably wrinkled. But they're seersucker so you can't tell too much. I hope.

a four-part harmony for you and me

First: Happy graduation to Becca! Aloha and buneos dias to the traveler!

I am scrolling through the music available on the network here at the office and am finding nothing to suit my ears today. That seems to be the trend lately. I can't find any melody, any lyric, any bridge or any note to hum. What is the deal? Here are some options:
CRASH: a playlist of Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, and Silverchair. Oh and don't forget George Strait.
Carol's MuZak: highlights including Johnny Cash: Unearthed I-V alongside the Pussycat Dolls
Traci's Tunes: of the bubblegum variety, featuring Britney, Christina, and Ashley Parker Angel
Wordless Chorus: aptly named for the apperance of My Morning Jacket, this list also includes personal favorites, Jeff Buckley and Explosions in the Sky, and golden oldie Miles Davis

Nothing is doing it for me these days. I need some new music. The Maroon 5 album is out today, maybe that will be a good alternative. Since I haven't been able to be satisfied through muisc, I've started watching back episodes of TV shows online while I work; this way I have background noise and I can catch up on whatever I've missed. I watched The Bachelor this morning, and since I'm on Carol's MuZak, looks like Rascal Flatts is my poison until the shuffle setting settles on something else. I hardly listen to my own playlist anymore, it just makes me restless and usually annoyed. But I sure miss listening to Elvis.

This week I am preparing to go to Austin for a wedding. I couldn't be more excited. I'm so happy for Joanna and Tanner, and I can't wait to be a part of the celebration.

I'll be staying with Lindsay Thursday night, then trekking down to an awesome city that I love on Friday. A six hour drive from OKC, I think it will be more tolerable in two doses, with one big haul made back north on Sunday. I do have reservations about my trip though. How strange it will feel to be there again. I haven't been there since January when I waved goodbye to a dear friend, leaving to chase the life he's always wanted. Different things in our lives often absorb different meanings for us. To me, Austin is one of those things, which may sound completely ridiculous to you, reader, but it is a city close to my heart. It represents a new horizon, open doors, open minds, open hearts. Big defining moments of my life have managed to occur in and around Austin, and I don't just mean something I was involved in, I mean things said, things done, people met.

I've gained friends that are like family, a "summer family'' I would do anything for, a mentor; I've been to court there, seen friends fall apart there, fallen apart myself; I have memories of friends who have drifted away; some of the most kind words I've heard have been spoken there; I've cried there for my losses, I experienced the suprise of another chance at something I thought was long gone, something that has now taken another turn. I don't have a single bad memory of the place, and I've experienced quite a few different things there with different friends and different circumstances; and the opportunity for bad memories has most definately been present, but all I've ever found myself leaving with is a new opportunity, a new outlook, a new thought, and the need to act. I'm not sure if it is fair that I've so many happy, growing memories there. Something about being there makes me brave. Nerves have begun to surface about the visit, for reasons I'm not quite sure of, becuase I sure don't have anything to be nrevous about except for traffic on I-35, but I look forward to the peace that I think will come with absorbing whatever love affair I have with the place. Just for a little while at least.